Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. Short and sweet.
Author's Note: Okay, let's see here. I've been told I was evil and you all hate me here. So I'm done. No more writing. Goodbye forever. No more chapters for you!
Hehe
Okay, I apologize for my goofiness…it's been a weird day.
Shout outs: Jen: you are the coolest! You always reply right away…thanks so much for that! Hope you like this chappie! skyler: Its so awesome to see people "looking forward" to my next chapter! Thanks! adpi24: you left out the hot fudge and marshmallow topping, but I'll give you the next chapter anyways…here ya go. Teehee cRaZyPiXiE: Ahhh! Don't die! It's just a story! :o) Thanks! Lilly: You see, I leave chapters hanging for a reason…its all part of the BIG PLAN! *grins* =): I love your reviews! They are great! Thanks for your encouraging, enthusiastic, thought out comments! It means much..really! MissyJane: Poor Sara, and poor Nick(he was the victim here!)well, kind of…thanks for the reply! oceanwave: yeah, you always got to have a little shake up here and there…we'll see what happens with this one. Thanks! A Bloom: yikes, was that you I saw marching down the road towards my house with flamed torches? Heehee…thanks for your replys! They are great! Diana: was that you marching along with A Bloom? heehee, I'm so glad you like it thus far! PassionatePapist: YaY! Your review brought a chuckle or two to my life! I smile every time I read it! Thanks! pdhtgal: That Heather and her paws…she's a nasty one! Thanks for your comments! drvvh: DUDE! (Laughs) Your excitement in the review motivated me to get on with my story…this was posted sooner than I had expected! Thanks!
Dealing: Chapter Nine
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"What are you doing?!" Nick broke himself away from Heather's forced kiss, blinking in disbelief at what just took place between them. She giggled and bit her lip, looking down with a purposeful coyness, and gently tucked a strand of golden curl behind her ear, a move that, ten years before, would have made Nick swoon, yet now he found terribly annoying.
"Nick, I think you know what I'm doing." The velvety seductiveness in her voice that she was blatantly trying to emit was not lost on Nick. He pushed the chair back, creating distance.
"This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come here with you." Nick heaved a rigid sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt embarrassed. Had he given Heather the wrong impression? No, Nick, she came here for one thing only. She knew what she was doing even before I had arrived.
"Nick," Her voice pleaded as she inched towards him. She placed one hand on his chest. "We make sense. You and me together. We just make sense."
"No." Nick's voice was firm and low. He removed her hand from his chest. "Maybe we made sense ten years ago, but things have changed. I've moved on, Heather. Its time you do too." He shook his head at his own foolishness for thinking he and Heather could meet solely to "talk and catch up" as her invite had suggested. "This is not something I want." He added, then quickly stood up and pulled a five out from his billfold, tossing the money on their table. He looked at her face one last time, a face expressing defeat with a twinge of sadness. She nodded with her head down, accepting his rejection.
"Goodbye, Heather." And with that he turned and walked out of the café, feeling perfectly content would he never see Heather again.
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Sara had never driven this fast before. As soon as she exited the café where the scene before her was that of Nick kissing another woman, a more attractive, elegant woman at that, the detached numbness that she had immediately experienced gave way to anger, revulsion, frustration, and a host of other unpleasant emotions.
As if to taunt her, images of her and Nick together at her apartment where they had shared what seemed like the most intimate kiss of each other's life, came flooding through her mind. Fragmented sentences from last night, spoken from Nick, echoed in her thoughts.
I admire you.
Sara, you make me crazy.
This couldn't feel more right.
Lies, Sara thought, nothing more than lies.
Buckets of tears threatened to spill from her eyes as she stared at the unfamiliar road ahead of her. She had been crushed, her very heart felt as if it were bleeding from a torn wound. It was amazing to her how fast she had gone from being absorbed in idyllic happiness earlier that day, to now, wishing Nick Stokes had never stepped foot into her life.
She had never been so ashamed of herself. Why had she assumed it was okay to open herself, to give so much of herself to someone in so little a time? Why did she fall for him?
When have you known Nick to be anything other than a womanizer? Has he ever been in a serious relationship? What exactly made you think he'd change for you, YOU, Sara Sidle, among all people?
Boy, Nick, did you make a fool out of me, she thought. The fact that she had been so excited, so anxious, to see Nick to tell him about her day made her nothing less than nauseous.
The strong memory of the night before with Nick, however, would not escape her thoughts.
He had watched her so intently, staring at her, kissing her with his eyes, as he sat next to her in her apartment. Sara, he had whispered her name so longingly. She believed that he wanted to kiss her, that he ached for it as much she did at that moment. When their lips had met, all the doubts and fears had melted away in the contentment and desire that surrounded her. Nick had been intoxicating.
And then her thoughts were immediately overshadowed by the scene at the café that she just witnessed. Nick's soft lips kissing another woman. She released a loud angry sob that had been building up in her throat.
Entrusting so much to Nick that night was a simple act of faith, and it had been so easy. If it's too good to be true, the popular saying went, it probably is. She had known that all along, she even felt it very strongly earlier that day, yet she nevertheless refused to believe it.
In less than twenty-four hours her world had crashed down around her…again.
As if she wasn't already going through enough…
Why? Sara yearned for answers. Why?
***********
Why do I feel so guilty, Nick wondered for the billionth time as he drove back to his house. I didn't do anything wrong…I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.
Maybe it was because somewhere deep down he knew that Heather harbored ulterior intentions for wanting to meet up with him. It was the first thing that crossed his mind when he heard her recorded voice message.
He couldn't brush off the guilty tinge, as if he could have prevented the whole uncomfortable mess. On second thought, he knew he probably could have. He shouldn't have been there in the first place…he recognized that.
Within seconds, beaded perspiration formed on his upper brow, as he thought of Sara.
Sara…
Just her name made Nick's heart palpate with desire.
Should he tell her that an ex-girlfriend of his came on to him; that this girl actually planted a "big one" on him? No way, Nick answered himself, I * cannot* tell her what happened. What she didn't know about Heather, the better. That kiss was purely a mistake…no need to go pouring salt in an open wound. She was already going through a mass of emotions with the explosion, the awkwardness with Grissom, the new case, and now with this developing thing with him…why add to that mess? There was no way he would take a chance blowing this new thing with Sara. The thought of losing Sara so soon to something so trivial was terrifying to Nick. What if she couldn't see past the fact that he didn't even kiss Heather back, that it was merely one-sided? Nope, can't tell her, he repeated. With a satisfied nod, he reminded himself: What she doesn't know can't hurt her.
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The weatherman was on his side today, Nick thought, as he hopped out of his car and headed up to his front door. He took a second to peer up at a cloudless sky and mused at how dramatically different the day before had been.
Then as Nick's gaze dropped back down his eyes focused on a box sitting on a chair in front of his threshold. He squinted in curiosity and jogged up the three steps leading up to his front door. He shook his head and laughed softly as he picked up a box of assorted cookies, reading the note.
Sorry I missed you. Thought you'd be home. Here's a little something to let you know I've been thinking about you. Call me when you get home! I've got so much to tell you. –Sara
Nick's heart did that palpating thing again.
As Nick opened the box and popped a delicious cookie into his mouth he couldn't help but think about how lucky he was to have Sara in his life, thinking about him. As soon as he stepped in his house he went right for the phone, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His expression was that of a man, a man who had fallen hard and was loving every second of it.
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Her phone rang a ridiculous amount of times that night. Sara curled herself up on her couch, unwilling to budge, for fear she would throw the phone through the window, thus creating an unwelcome and preventable expense.
She knew it was probably Nick who was calling her. Pretty convinced that he had not in fact seen her at the café earlier that day, she figured he was calling her because she had asked him to in her note left on his front porch.
Those stupid cookies, she thought and cringed. A mental picture crept into her head displaying Nick as he walked around his house, popping one cookie after another in his mouth saying, That poor naïve Sara…man do I have her wrapped around my finger.
Stop doing this to yourself, Sara. He's not that intentionally evil, she admitted. Sara flipped through the channels on her television, not acutely aware of the programs showing.
She finally dozed off at two in the morning, and this time, when she was jolted out of her sleep, twenty minutes into her nightmare, she was determined, not scared, but determined. She was determined to, once and for all, rid herself of this nightmare, of this anxiety. She had to prove to herself that she was fine on her own, that she didn't need Nick to be her night in shining armor.
So as the moonlight spilled through her sheer curtains, casting dark shadows across her living room floor, she vowed she would deal with her demons, that she didn't need anyone, especially Nick, to hold her hand through it, and that despite any obstacles in her way, she'd make it out better than ever. And hopefully nightmare free.
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The dream started out the same as the other ones. Blasts of light. Screams. Shattering glass. But instead of being alone in this dream like the other night, she had heard another voice. It was Nick's; she knew it from the way he called to her.
"Sara!" His panicked voice had echoed through the lab, yet she couldn't exactly see him there. She lied there on the floor, her chest aching from the blow, and searched frantically with her eyes, barely lifting her head off the ground. Broken walls of glass surrounded her. Yet for some unknown reason, the glass was gusting about, like leaves scattering in the wind, around her. She finally, not finding any more strength left within her body, gave up to the darkness.
A few hours after awakening, sleep obviously no longer seeming a pleasant option, Sara went for a jog. It was then that she realized that she needed to talk to someone. That although she needed to rely on herself to get her through this, with the help of a friend, it might just work out.
Sara arrived at the Las Vegas Crime Lab an hour early that day hoping to bump into Catherine. Although she and Catherine had never been real close, she knew of Catherine's honesty and genuineness. During her early morning jog, Catherine was the first person that came to mind for her to talk to. Maybe she'd be able to help, maybe not. Sara just had an inkling, and sharing with Catherine was something she needed to try.
Good, she's here, Sara thought as she peeked inside an office where Catherine sat, head buried in a file work. She tapped lightly on the window outside, making known her presence.
"Hey, Catherine." She said sheepishly, and then found her voice. "You got a minute?"
Catherine peered up from her papers, and studied her unusually reserved partner.
Narrowing her eyes, she knew immediately that something was up, yet decided to play it cool.
"I've got more than a minute…thanks for rescuing me." She said in a lighthearted tone and waited for Sara to speak. She noticed Sara's lethargic nature and watched as Sara struggled to smile.
"I, uh…" Sara debated how to start the conversation. Becoming aware of Catherine's watchful eyes on her, she settled back in her chair. "I must look like crap, huh?" The fact that she, once again, had a terrible night of sleeplessness added with the fact that Nick consumed her every thought, she was juggling anger, and confused grogginess. She knew she must have appeared the way she felt.
"Nah, we all have our bad mornings. You just look like, you know, you could use a little sleep."
"Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about." Sara searched through her mind. "I don't know if you can be of any help with this but I was wondering, um, if you might know something about reoccurring nightmares…" She ended her sentence with a lingering question mark.
"Reoccurring nightmares? Honey, what are you dreaming about?" Catherine took on a motherly concerned tone.
Sara laughed, yet found none of this funny. "Well, I mean it all started with the explosion. Ever since then, with all the added pressures of Grissom, this new case, and then with N—," She cut herself off before she revealed too much. She had already decided that she needn't bring up anything about what happened with her and Nick. She herself, wanted to forget all about it. "It's just that everything combined has made this past week really hard for me. And when I say really hard, that's nothing short of an understatement."
Catherine was nodding in thought. "So, you've been dreaming about what exactly?"
"The explosion. Well, it started off as the explosion and has molded and taken off from that. Last night I heard the blast, but I didn't think I was still in the lab when I landed…my surroundings were totally different." Sara paused to reflect on her dreams. "And Catherine, I've been having these images haunt my waking hours as well. I mean, one minute I'll be fine and the next it overcomes me, to the point where I feel like I can't even breathe."
Catherine sighed heavily, pondering Sara's words. "Honey, it sounds to me like, well, like you've got anxiety disorder."
Sara cringed. "What, you mean like, panic attacks?"
"When Eddie died, I couldn't think straight, you know? I worried about Lindsey, about what would happen next. The whole thing was just totally….unexpected. It left me vexed from the moment I woke up to the second I fell asleep. Like you, I was still having nightmares about it, and my nightmares transcended into my fears, like what would've happened if I had not found Lindsey that night in the lake. Everything built up inside me and I found myself from time to time, being unable to function. I would stop dead in my tracks, sweating, my head spinning, not being able to breathe…just like you said."
"How did it all stop?" Sara wondered.
Catherine breathed in and then let out her breath with a shrug. "To be honest with you, I still feel them sometimes. But, I've for the most part, managed to control them. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be." Catherine leaned forward as if to share a secret. "The thing is, a lot of it has to do with time management. And when you're working all day everyday, more than half your life, it's hard to relax and just take a breath, you know? Sara, I know you, and I know you, probably more so than any of us here, are a world class workaholic. Just slow down; once you give yourself time to take a break, to get away from it all, that's when you begin to appreciate the things around you, rather than dread them. And they'll fade….slowly but surely." She reached over and squeezed Sara's shoulder. "I'm sorry it's affected you so much…the explosion. I didn't have any idea."
"Yeah, I don't know, I just wish I could shut everything down, just turn things off around me. It'd be nice to make everything disappear." Sara spoke with a weak smile.
"Girl, don't I know it." Catherine remarked, leaning back in her seat, crossing one leg over the other.
A soft rap sounded on the window door behind Sara, startling her. She turned around and then her breath caught.
"Good afternoon, Catherine," Nick nodded in her direction. "Sara." The side of his mouth turned upwards into a half smile. Sara quickly turned back around, feeling foolish that she hadn't properly prepared herself for running into Nick. Of course she knew she'd see him that day, she was his partner, yet she felt it easier just to not give it much thought, to push him out of her head altogether. Catherine noticed Sara's complexion turn a waxy pale.
"Uh, hi Nicky. You're here a little early aren't ya?" Catherine asked.
Nick nodded, looking curiously at the back of Sara's head.
"So, how's the case coming?" Catherine's eyes flicked from Sara to Nick.
"Good." Sara's voice was short and she immediately stood up, wiping her sweaty palms across her jeans. She made brief eye contact with Nick and brushed past him at the door. She left him there, his smile fading into a deep, confused frown.
"Oookay." He turned to follow Sara. Catherine shrugged and went about her case.
"Hey…" Nick caught up with Sara's stride. "Um, hi." He cocked his head sideways at her, vowing for her attention.
"Hey." She said with no emotion. Or at least tried to.
"How are you?"
"Great." She glanced at him with a phony smile and then stepped into a room and began searching for the Connie Trevorson murder case file. Her nerves were doing crazy things at that minute. She tried to make it look as if it was just any other day, but wondered if Nick could see right through that.
"Sara, are you alright?" There was concern in his voice. Sara swore there was, but then remembered his magnificent acting skills from the other night. He doesn't care about you, Sara. He doesn't really care. She continued repeating this in her head, hoping to convince herself.
"Great." She answered again, flipping open the file and paging through the information. She then began reading off the newest leads, which weren't many, as if nothing was wrong. Her tone with him was short and choppy, strictly professional and insincere. She took a brief moment to steal a glance in his direction after going through the light information from the case. He looked utterly lost.
"Ok then." He said, confusion evident in his voice.
Is she pretending like nothing happened between us? Nick wondered, full of panic. When he looked up at her, she was staring at him and then immediately, after meeting his eyes, turned her head around.
The silence was unnerving.
Nick slowly made his way over to her, as her back was turned to him, and watched with mystification as she thumbed through papers in a tall filing cabinet, seemingly unconcerned with him.
"Hey," He whispered, right behind her. He brought his hand up to rest on her arm and she immediately retracted back at his touch. She stood rigid. "Why didn't you answer your phone yesterday? I called you, like, a million times." His voice seemed so soft. Sara's arms hung at her sides now, fists clenching into balls. Don't fall for it, Sara. He doesn't really care. He inched up to her so that she was now facing him, however, she stood there, eyes closed, trying her hardest not to lose herself to her emotion.
"Hey…" His voice was just above a whisper, and it begged for Sara to look at him. She slowly opened her eyes, and for a second, swore she saw concern and bewilderment in his eyes, even sadness. She gazed back at him, and almost found her eyes tearing up. However, she snapped to. Her head caught up with the rest of her body and she turned back around, very stiffly. He has no affect on you, Sara. Don't let him think he does. It took every part of her to portray the mask of indifference on her face.
"Thank you for the cookies, Sara. I loved them." He was quiet as he spoke, wishing she would do or say something to put his mind at ease. She shivered, and then moved away from him, a different file folder in her hand.
"Sara!" He called out, pleading with her. "What is going on?"
She stopped and turned to him. He looked so helpless standing there, as if he honestly didn't know why she was being callous towards him. Did he think he could just get away with it? Sara wondered. Finally, feeling as if she would burst, she strode towards him.
Just inches away from him now, she whispered to the side of his face. "Nick, I saw you."
The words didn't quite register as Nick's brow wrinkled in puzzlement. She continued, shaking her head. "I saw you at the café..."
Nick's heart caught in his throat and he stood there motionless.
"I saw you kiss her."
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Author's Note: Wow, there is a lot to digest in this chapter…sorry it was so long. Anyways, I'd like to hear your comments, as always. So purdy please reply. Thanks again to everyone who gave my fiction a chance and remain faithful on reading and commenting on each chapter. You guys are the coolest! And, as always, more of the drama and angst and nail biting frustration to come! (Haha)
