Chapter 1.

In which there is a feline flag raising, Hobbit weed and McGonagall's underwear.

Diagon Alley was always a bustling metropolis of wizarding life. People bustled from shop to shop, waving or scowling as spruikers shouted sales pitches into the already noisy mob scene. It was hot, it was sweaty, and Hermione Granger was glad she was getting her supplies early. Sure, she could wait and buy them when she met up with her friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley in two weeks time, but then she'd miss a fortnights worth of reading time. And Hermione Granger didn't like missing her reading time. So she'd do what she did every single year; go and buy her books a bit early, then come back to meet her friends and help them find the books they needed. The perfect solution. A solution that had the added advantage of hiding her ever growing extra-curricular reading section from the two people who thought she already read too much. Not that they objected when someone was trying to kill them, of course. Sighing and pushing such useless thoughts aside, she continued her search for the ever elusive Herbs of the World and How to Brew Them by I. Cantwriteforshit. It was a rare tome, one she had searched for three long years for. And now. she gasped in rapture. There it was. Almost shining majestically in a patch of bright morning light. Her delicate hand reached lovingly for the book, only to be slapped aside roughly. She squeaked, not her most brave response, but it hurt! Scowling, she looked into the eyes of the rude bastard that slapped her, and tried hard not to faint in terror. Just her bloody luck, the rude bastard was the greasy git himself: Severus Snape.

"Miss Granger, is there something I can reach for you?" He loomed threateningly, and she gulped, suddenly wishing she'd never wanted to read I. Cantwriteforshit. Maybe she should have stuck with more common writers, like I. Suckasahumanbeing. Good author, a bit. mentally deficient sometimes, but who could complain? She only returned her thoughts to the present in time to see the potions master glide effortlessly through the crowd, her book in his greasy, inhuman hands. 'Bastard!'

Being a Granger, and a curious one at that, she took the only option open to her. She stalked him. No matter where he shopped, she followed him, glaring nervously at him whenever she was sure he couldn't see her. It was only when he entered what looked suspiciously like an underwear shop that she gave up. For about twenty seconds. Then, she followed him inside, smirking at the women's garments strewn around the store. 'For the love of all things shiny let him be a drag queen.' she was seriously disappointed when she heard the voices. "Yes, Professor Snape, Professor Dumbledore did owl us to say you were picking up a parcel for a sick member of staff." 'Dammit!' "Yes, yes just get on with it. With all due respect to your fine establishment, it does my reputation no good to be haunting a women's underwear store. People might talk, especially if said people are stalking me. Isn't that right, Miss Granger?" Suddenly turning a previously undiscovered shade of red, Hermione emerged from behind a rack of wonder bras and faced him. "Why, yes sir. People might think you wear women's underwear under all that black. maybe a nice red would be suitable?" She gulped, wondering where the hell that gem of stupidity came from. He smirked. "Indeed, Miss Granger, I wouldn't be caught dead in any colour besides that of the house I loathe. It's not nearly as enjoyable in the subtle hues of Slytherin." "Oh, silver wouldn't suit you, sir; it'd make you look more like a drag. er. nevermind." "Oh, do continue, Miss Granger. Your babbled speech is the highlight of my day, and the very reason I ventured into the light." "Fine, sir, I was just going to say you stole my damn book!" He rolled his eyes. The git actually rolled his eyes at her! What a.git. She sighed, she really needed better insults, this was getting embarrassing. "Miss Granger, I assure you that the book was not your property. You see, we have this magnificent thing called commerce. To own something, you actually have to pay for it. Now, if you could show me the receipt issued to you when you purchased this text, I will gladly hand it over. well, hurry up, girl, or have you realised your blathering is wasted on me?" She sighed. "You're such a bastard." He paused, raising an eyebrow quizzically. "Excuse me?" "I said, and I'll slow it down because you're obviously having issues with the language. You. Are. A. Bastard." He laughed. "You know, I could take points off for such vile behaviour." "Dumbledore wouldn't let you. I could kick you in the balls while on holidays and you couldn't do a thing against me at Hogwarts." He laughed harder, and actually, god forbid, looked. happy. Amused. Young. Kinda.sexy, too. She almost gagged at her last thought, but bit back a look of abject horror. He smiled, not smirked, but actually smiled. "In all my years of teaching, no one has ever had the balls to say what you just did. Not even a Slytherin. I'm impressed." "Then can I at least read the book?" He nodded, handed her the parcel of underwear (she giggled softly and tried not to imagine a Rocky Horror Snape) and the pair wandered towards the Leaky Cauldron .

Snape almost threw up his lunch when he realised, actually realised, that he had laughed in front of the know it all brat of Gryffindor. The princess of pain-in-the-ass, she had made his life miserable for six years. Well, not miserable, really. After all, she was the only intelligent mind in a school of gods only knew how many inbred abominations. Muggleborn or no, she was good. And she knew her shit about potions. Why else would she be hunting an old, out of print volume of near forgotten potion lore? Actually, that had him curious. Why would a teenage girl give up drunken make out sessions with some unnamed cretin to read up on three hundred ear old herbs and how to mash them? He cleared his throat, an almost feline curiosity sweeping over him. "Miss Granger, I must ask, why were you looking for this book?" She blushed. Goddamn it, the kid blushed. "I.er." he quirked an eyebrow and smirked in amusement. "I. because, sir, I'm well advanced of the practical potions we do in class, I thought if I could find some light reading on more advanced work, you might. er. you might let me do my final studies on potion making." He blanched. This was light reading? It weighed damn near ten kilos! He has been under the impression that he was alone in such anal retentive quests for knowledge. It was almost heartbreaking to know the little brat shared his love. Almost. The hidden, secret, sentimental side of his brain screamed the phrase 'soul mate' in a sing song voice as it threw flowers and picked up a furry little kitten. The real Snape quickly beat him for such. vulgar stupidity. Until then he hadn't realised multiple personalities came with chainsaws. Today was obviously starting to get better.

Unfortunately, that sentimental side was Snape's very own Energiser bunny. Even in a thousand bloody pieces, it still continued its hauntingly evocative rendition of 'Snape and Granger sitting in a tree. k.i.s.s.i.n.g.first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes.' Snape interjected with 'the threat of major carnage', and the voice fell silent. If only he realised he'd actually said it aloud. Then the stunned, nervous, and almost. worried frown etched on his student's face wouldn't have seemed so. confusing. Oh well. "Professor, are you having a psychotic episode? My aunt had one once, she tried to use my cat as a flag, tied it to the flagpole and everything." He blinked as she continued on about her relative singing the anthem to an airborne feline. He could almost see the old bint saluting, tears of pride trickling down her face. It was about then he fell from his seat, laughing hysterically. Well, wouldn't you if you were imagining a fat old Granger saluting a flying pussy? Moments later, she too fell from her perch, giggling insanely as the image entered her own mind. Patrons were understandably nervous, wondering with some dread if the child had gotten the professor stoned. Surely, it had to be some good old fashioned Hobbit-weed? For hours to come the pair giggled and retold stories, pausing only to try and breathe through gut-wrenching whoops of mirth.

Hours passed in amused conversation, until in one god granted moment, Snape realised Hermione's sick, erotic, lustful fetish. Swearing in foreign languages. It was almost sexy the way her mouth curved around the pronunciation as she verbally attacked him, not expecting him to understand. It had been just after he had politely, ever so Snapishly, too, called her an idiot. Without thinking, she responded with a hearty "Go gcreime na gráinneoga cealgrúnacha do chuid fo-éadaigh." He had laughed loudly. "May the malevolent hedgehogs gnaw at your underwear?" he had gasped through raucous laughter, eyes watering at the visual image. She giggled and grinned at him. "Ron and Harry never realise what I'm saying, it's always good for a laugh to see them sneak into the library to try and research what I had said." He laughed, knowing full well the pair likely attempted to use them on other people, and likely screwed it up royally. She had smiled curiously at him then, her eyes wide in smirking amazement. "Hey, how'd you know what it meant, anyway?" He returned the smirk habitually, and winked. "Been spending too much time in the restricted section for my own good. There's a reason most of the school isn't allowed to read those books." She laughed, "Yes, I must admit I was shocked to find the Karma Sutra there on the shelves, with pages missing." "Yes, I must return those sometime." the pair laughed again, the idea of Snape styled booty call too much to bear without giggles. When the giggle fit subsided, he turned to her, serious for a moment. "People are giving us strange looks, Miss Granger. I do believe they think we're having a. what did you call it? Feline flagpole incident? Perhaps we should continue this discussion away from prying eyes? Both our reputations seem in jeopardy." She nodded mutely, and the pair wandered slowly, inconspicuously, into the Leaky Cauldron, never knowing what awaited them.

The pair sat in reverential silence, awed into monastery like servitude at the hands of their beloved book. She was awesome, filled with all the good bits both had fantasised about. "Look, Professor! I hadn't known there was a cure for blondeness using nightshade, mandrake and arsenic!" He had chuckled. "I'm not sure if it's a remedy or a mercy killing, Hermione." She grinned. "Yes, but imagine the blondes at Hogwarts." he laughed at that, visions of fallen cherubs, blonde and blue, dancing in his head. "I never knew you had.issues. with blondes, Hermione. I'd have thought someone so enamoured with that Lockhart git would be more sympathetic to their plight." "It's that moron that makes me hate blondes, sir. He ruined it for me, him and Malfoy." "Ah, Malfoy, the educational bane of my existence. Losing my job would almost be worth that mercy killing." she smirked. "And here I was thinking you loved the little twerp." "Who? The ferret? Never! I'd rather wear McGonagall's underwear than show him any form of decency. Speaking of, it was her illness that led me to that store, and I'll deny it's existence if forced to." "Your secret's safe with me, sir. Otherwise I'd have to admit to stalking you, sir." "Severus, please. As you so eloquently informed me earlier, we're not in class now, Hermione." Before the conversation could continue, he gasped in ecstasy. "Look, here, Hermione! I've been searching for this!" "A spell to reverse. Severus, is this why you bought the book?" He nodded. "Again, if necessary, I will deny it." "That's possibly the sweetest thing I've ever heard. but.er. that's why I was looking for the book. I figured I could use this potion as my final piece, and if it worked." "Remus would no longer be a werewolf." He finished for her, smiling softly. "I thought you hated him, Severus." "In a way, I do. On the other hand, though, I owe him a debt of gratitude. He's helped me in the past, though under duress, and if I can give him this, maybe he will one day be able to forgive my sins." "Then why were you such an ass to him while he was teaching?" "Had I done anything else, the school's death eaters in training would have cried to their parents. It would have been worse had I not played the part of the bastard, Hermione." She nodded. "I never thought I'd say this, but you're not the greasy, evil, bastard git from hell I thought you were." "And you're not the prissy, stuck up little know it all I assumed." "You're so sweet, Severus." "If anyone but you called me that, I'd hex them into oblivion." "Aww, I'm honoured." He scowled, but only for a moment. She could have sworn he blushed.