But I can see you -

Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair pulled back
And sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you -
My love for you will still be strong,
After the boys of summer have gone

Defeated but Determined

I lost.

After three days of wandering in circles around the countryside, I still hadn't figured out what was wrong with me. Three days with nothing but my thoughts, and I had nothing to show for it.

Big heap of nothing.

I had forgotten to take my phone out of my bag when I left. By day two, I was getting a dozen calls an hour, each one sounding oddly more desperate than the next, even though the ring's tone never changed.

It was beginning to get on my nerves, but I didn't answer until mid-morning of my third day free.

"Yes?" I answered calmly, even though I felt like growling.

"Squall? Squall, you're alive!" Quistis' voice was tinny and sounded as far away as she was.

I turned the radio down and frowned. "I am alive, yes."

"I was worried." And she sure as hell sounded it - she usually kept her emotions almost as disguised as I did.

I said nothing in reply, letting her comment hang in the empty air. I heard her take a deep breath.

"I'm so glad. Ir- We were all worried about you. Your note wasn't exactly explicit." Her voice held a questioning lilt at the end, silently asking me everything all at once.

I answered with more silence. Anyone else would have questioned my presence at my end of the phone, but Quistis knew me too well. She plowed on:

"When do you plan on coming back?"

"Sometime."

"This Garden doesn't run itself, Leonhart."

I stepped on the gas, eyes glued to the spance of road in front of me. ".Maybe it would be better if it did."

"I think you'll find many a body around here ready to beg differently. Squall, we need you."

Shaking my head, I said, "Whatever."

Quistis' voice echoed my word back at me, same time, same tone. Damn, she even had my timing down perfectly.

She laughed lightly, emotion thick in her voice as she repeated, "We need you. Come back home, okay?"

"I still have something I have to do."

Quistis took the tone of the helpful friend, "Do you need something, Squall? Someone? I'm not totally sure what's going on, but I want to help y- "

I pressed the off button with my thumb and threw the phone down on the seat.

These were my demons. And I couldn't handle them.

But I had to regain control. On my own. I didn't need anyone's help, thank you.

This thought as I pulled up to a little Mom-and-Pop diner to learn of my current location. Yah.

I'm totally the king of self-reliance.

Over a cup of slightly grainy coffee, I learned that I was just a few hundred miles from Balamb. Thought I'd be further away, but going in circles really doesn't get you very far, I suppose.

I took off as the sun began its decent in the evening sky, heading for the coastline. I'd follow that back to home. I was the only sign of life on the road.

Bad sign for the road, 'cause I wasn't feeling too full of life at the moment.

It always surprises me how tired I get from merely driving. It's not exertion, just a deep-set exhaustion settled over the whole of me.

And I don't think my exhaustion was just from the driving.

I kept to the road until I saw a small strip of beach next to the highway. Before, the coastline had been rough and rocky. The sand was an inviting sight. As was the moonlight glinting gently on the cusps of tiny ocean waves.

I pulled over to the side of the road and hiked down to the beach, removing my boots as I hit the sand. I left them in the last little patch of beach grass and wandered down to the rolling surf. The heat was almost surprising after getting out of the air-conditioned car.

The night's stagnant heat was blown away by the gentle breeze that only an ocean could offer. It whipped my hair around my face as I wadded barefoot into the shallows. I bent over to roll my pant legs up as far as they would go, which wasn't much. I watched the ocean curiously for a while as it nipped at my ankles. My feet grew numb, and the feeling quickly spread up my entire body.

I succumbed eagerly to the feeling of emptiness. I breathed the cool air deep, closing my eyes. Hands in my pocket, I stood back, reveling in my void.

I was so caught up in reveling that I almost fell asleep. I snapped back to reality when a particularly insistent little wave soaked the bottom of my rolled-up leathers. The tide was coming in for the night.

I retired back to my car with a yawn. I sat down on the hood, engine making little pops and ticks under me as it cooled from the day's trip. I leaned back, watching the stars blink into nocturnal existence.

I concentrated on them, trying to fill my mind with anything except Irvine.

It was easier that I thought it would be, 'cause I fell asleep immediately.

I woke up to the reddish light of the sun beating down through my eyelids. Yawning and blinking into the dark of the crook of my arm, I rolled of the hood of my car. The metal was starting to heat up; my shirt was sticking to it.

I just woke up and it was already hot enough to be sweating.

And people wonder why I'm a winter person.

I took off my shirt and wandered lazily down to the beach to collect my boots. Footwear in hand, I continued to the shore again.

The water was tinted orange with morning light at the cusps of the waves, which were growing stronger and more violent with each roll of the water.

It was weird, waking up alone. I couldn't shake the feeling of loneliness. It rested upon me like a weight every morning.

Shaking myself, I walked back up the hill to the car, shoeing away the seagulls flocking around the vehicle. They fluttered back into place as I shut myself in.

I revved the engine, scattering the gulls in a flock of annoyed squawks and loose feathers.

I fiddled with the radio dial, trying to find anything loud and pissed off.

Like me.

I wished I had brought some CDs.

As I cursed the local stations, each one bent on pumping bubble-gum sap or oldies into my car, an idiot light on the dash popped on, warning me that I was running practically on fumes.

Shit.

I barely rolled into a gas station some thirty miles on. I felt the engine stressing to press on. It heaved what seemed to be a sigh of relief as I pulled up next to a pump. I shoved the nozzle into the gas tank (Hyne, this never seemed to sexual before - I'm going crazy) and turned in to the convenience store. I grabbed a box of donuts and some dried fruit and headed to the freezer cases in the back for a cold can of coffee. The tired- looking lady at the counter rang me up. Damn. Gas was expensive out here.

I left with my pockets considerably lighter and a donut between my teeth. I drove nonstop until I reached Balamb a few hours later. It was mid- afternoon when I returned the car to the man running the rental lot. He tried to make small talk, all "How was your trip?" and "Did you have a bit of fun away from home?"

I shrugged, not to be rude, but I wasn't exactly in a people mood at the moment. He sighed and gave up, printing out my bill. I paid and left, shoving the receipt in the trashcan outside.

I sauntered slowly through the streets toward Garden. It was just before dinner; the scent of lovingly prepared meals permeated the thick air. Kids were playing in their yards and racing up and down the sidewalk.

I dodged a couple of young boys, about eight years old, barreling haphazardly down the walkway. I decided to go home the less-populated back route.

The air finally began to cool as a gentle breeze fluttered the leaves over my head and brushed my hair into my eyes. I couldn't figure out where the wind was coming from; it seemed to be surrounding me, engulfing me in its welcoming, cool embrace.

The wind lightened to a bare brush against my skin. I stopped at the side of the road for a moment, soaking up its caress.

Looking around, I saw mothers calling kids one by one into the house to wash up, men out for a walk with their dogs and old friends.

Out near Garden, I could see a group of people out at the baseball diamond. I'd forgotten we had a team - I never was much into sports. Besides training, I never knew what was happening until I was forced to write up the paperwork on it.

Curios about how practice was going, I wandered down to the back fields of the campus.

I stood behind the backstop, some way off as to not disturb anyone, and looked over the team.

Oh.

Out of all the players, only one was wearing a hat.

Figures it was a big black Stetson. Hyne, he never took the thing off.

I started to turn around, to back up a few steps, but I stopped.

What can I say - I wanted to ogle. For some reason, it was so much easier from a distance.

I watched Irvine run backwards and reach for the ball soaring toward him. He had his head tilted way up to follow the ball's path under the brim of his hat.

He caught the plummeting ball and threw it cleanly to second base. Donno if the baseman caught it or not - I was rather distracted.

The thin light accented Irvine's tan, turning it a glowing shade of orangey- brown. Light red streaks shone in his ponytail as it swung around his shoulders. He turned to talk to the outfielder standing closest to him.

Back to me, I watched as he cocked his thin hips, hands curled in casual fists on either side of them. The light reflected on the sunglasses he wore, despite the shade his hat gave him.

I watched him jog back to his spot between first and second. He clapped his hands once, bending down in preparation to dart to the next ball lobbed his way.

I chuckled softly to myself. Irvine's always eager for anything.

The next batter struck out twice and finally hit the ball, right into the pitcher's hands.

Groans rose from the batters. They jogged out to take their places on the field.

I watched Irvine jog up the dugout off to my right. He clapped his hand on the shoulder of the boy who struck out as they met on the diamond. "Hey, Salas - better luck next time!" he said with an encouraging grin.

Salas held the conversation a bit longer; Irvine's eyes wandered and suddenly found mine. He pulled his shades down with one finger and peered over the rims at me.

He grinned a little, almost shyly, and gave me a little wave.

I blushed a little, I know.

Why do I always do that?

I grinned back at Irvine - couldn't help it, the cowboy had the most infective smile I've ever seen. I turned my head to the side. From the corner of my eye, I saw Salas playfully punch Irvine's arm.

In return, Irvine smacked the retreating boy on the ass.

I missed that being my ass .

Hmm .

I really miss him. I miss everything about him, and as soon as I clear my head, I'll see if he wants me back in his life.

Really hope he will.

I swung my bag back over my shoulder and hazarded one last glance back at Irvine. The cowboy was looking back at me, hand tangled casually in the hair at the base of his ponytail. I could feel his eyes follow me all the way back to Garden.

Okay. I'm really stuck on the next chapter. I know how I want it to go, but I just have the basic feeling, you know? No actions, no words are coming to my mind. I think I'll rewrite it. It could take a while, though. (The real problem is that I have the whole end planned out - I just lack the middle!) Arg!