Temptation
See Part 1 for Disclaimers, etc.
Calleigh sighed and looked into his eyes but didn't say another word.
"What makes you say that, Calleigh?"
"Well, most people our age are starting to settle down and have children and if they haven't yet it just means they haven't found the right person. I know it's going to be hard to find a man who's looking for the same things I am."
"What exactly, is that?" Speed was curious to know and hoped Calleigh would be straight with him.
"I just want someone to grow old with and enjoy life with. Just the two of us."
"Why is that so difficult?" Speed couldn't imagine any man not wanting share a life with Calleigh.
"I told you I don't want children and that doesn't seem to fit into the life plans of most of the guys I've gone out with. They pretty much all want to have children someday and can't accept the fact that I don't."
"Maybe it's your reasoning they can't accept." Speed told her and she looked away from him, studying her hands instead. He had been totally floored the other night, knowing there had to be more to it than what she would admit. Calleigh seemed like a natural with children and was such a loving person he couldn't imagine her not wanting to experience motherhood.
"I know it sounds lame but it's hard for me to really explain my why I feel the way I do. Rather than dragging up the past, it's sometimes just easier for me to say that it's a cruel, cruel world and I don't want to bring any children into it. Who can argue with me there?"
"No one can argue with that but most people can overlook it when they think about having kids. I think having children is kind of like becoming immortal. Our children and their children's children are a legacy I think most people want to leave on this earth. At least, that's how I feel." Calleigh looked at him in surprise.
"I can't believe how much thought you've put into it, Tim."
"I have. I really want to have kids someday, for so many reasons. I just think it would be so great to have children with someone I love."
"It would be." Calleigh agreed quietly, looking hesitantly into Speed's eyes. "I wasn't totally honest with you the other night, Tim. But there's something I want to tell you so you'll know where I'm coming from..." She seemed torn over what to say next but biting her bottom lip before she spoke, she continued. "I always thought I would have children and couldn't wait to find the right guy and get married. I was looking forward to having a career but wanted a family too. I actually fooled myself into thinking I could have both." She said, dabbing at fresh tears with her tissue.
Speed wanted to hear the rest of it but it hurt him to see her talk about something that obviously caused her so much pain.
"When I was twenty-one I was in university and dating a guy who was a couple years older than me. Things were going pretty great between Jeff and I when I discovered I was pregnant." Calleigh looked at Tim for a reaction and he tried not to let the shock he felt show on his face. He hadn't been expecting a bombshell like this. He put a reassuring hand on hers and urged her to continue.
"I was pretty devastated at first because I was eager to earn my degree before I thought about starting a family but Jeff got excited when I told him and his excitement was contagious. He proposed marriage and although I wasn't thrilled about following in my parents' footsteps of having a shotgun wedding, I accepted. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him."
Calleigh was silent for a moment before her face crumpled and she choked back a sob. Speed's heart went out to her and he put an arm around her as she took a deep breath and continued in a shaky voice.
"I was about four months pregnant and we were a week away from our wedding when I lost the baby." Calleigh said, letting the tears fall as Speed held onto her shaking body and stroked her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Cal. What went wrong?" Speed asked, when the sobs quieted down. He hadn't been expecting such an emotional confession from Calleigh but was glad to finally know what she had been hiding all this time.
"I don't know. I had tried to be so careful, doing everything I could to have a healthy baby but the doctor said that sometimes it just isn't meant to be. What kind of a reason is that?" Calleigh asked, in frustrated sadness.
"Sometimes there is no reason." Speed said gently.
"I was working in the lab in class one day when I started having awful cramps. I knew something wasn't right and I was so scared when I realized I was bleeding. An ambulance was called and Jeff met me at the hospital. They did an ultrasound and discovered the baby had already died so they performed a D & C to remove the fetus." Calleigh said, looking at Tim with tear-filled eyes.
"I never got to meet my baby and didn't know if it was a boy or a girl but I have thought about that child so many times. I sometimes imagine that it was a little girl and she was so beautiful, Tim. I loved that baby so much and losing her was the most painful thing I've ever had to go through. I decided that I was never going to put myself through that again."
"There's no reason to think it would happen again, Calleigh." Speed said, not wanting to upset her more but wishing she wouldn't deny herself the joy of children just because she'd lost one once.
"There's no reason to think it wouldn't, either." Calleigh insisted.
"Did you get checked out by a doctor to make sure you were okay?"
"Of course. And they found nothing wrong, no reason why I couldn't carry a child to term. But it doesn't matter. Losing a child before birth hurt so badly that I couldn't imagine what it would be like give birth to a child and then have some tragedy take her from you. I couldn't handle it."
"It would be awful." Tim agreed. "But so many women have miscarriages and if they all decided not to have children then the human race would be in jeopardy." He said reasonably.
"I guess I'm selfish then." Calleigh said to him. "Jeff thought so. He refused to understand why I wouldn't marry him and get pregnant again."
"So you broke up."
"We did. I know that I was partly responsible for pushing him away but he was a constant reminder of what I'd lost and I just didn't want to think about it anymore. Jeff was out of my life within three months and I buried myself in school, trying to forget what had happened. I had been so happy for awhile but I should have known it was too good to last."
"You'll be happy again someday, Calleigh." She looked at him doubtfully but he pulled her into a hug and she hugged him back with all her might. She might not ever find happiness with him but the fact that she had confided in him gave him a hope that hadn't been there before. "You deserve happiness more than anyone." Calleigh pulled out of his embrace and smiled at him.
"You're just too good to me, Tim. I don't know what I'd do without you." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood up, as he tried to control his response to the kiss. It had just been a peck on the cheek but his heart was racing and all he wanted to do was pull Calleigh into his arms and feel her lips on his.
"I'm really glad you told me this, Calleigh." He said, standing beside her and holding both her hands in his own. He had forgotten where they were and what they were doing there. All that mattered was Calleigh.
"I am too. I don't talk about it enough, really. I went to see a grief counselor after it happened and it's been seven years but there are times when the feelings are still so raw...I don't know if they'll ever heal." She looked so vulnerable right now and Speed couldn't resist pulling her into his arms again. Calleigh came to him willingly and he kissed the top of her head.
"The feelings will probably always be there, Calleigh but don't be afraid to talk about them if you need to. I'm here for you, okay?"
"Thanks Tim." Calleigh said, her voice muffled by his chest. Speed wished he could hold her like this forever but he knew that Eric and Cathy were inside, probably wondering what was taking them so long. Calleigh's admission tonight hadn't made him feel any differently about her, if anything, it just made his feelings for her even stronger.
"Anytime, Calleigh. How are you feeling now? Are you ready to go back inside to hear the last set?" He asked her, as she pulled away from him and straightened her dress.
"Sure. I'm feeling better but I think I'll get some water when we get back inside. No more booze for me tonight." She answered, smiling at him. She linked her arm through his and they walked back into Silver's.
The four of them spent the rest of the night dancing and before they knew it, the bartenders were announcing last call and the band was playing their final song. The final song turned out to be a dedication to some newly engaged friends of one of the band members and as Speed watched Eric put his arms around Cathy, who willingly came closer he wondered if he would be so lucky to dance this song with Calleigh.
Before he could contemplate any further Calleigh was in his arms, her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder. He slid his arms around her waist, his hands lingering on the small of her back and he realized that this was what he had been wanting all night. Just to feel Calleigh's body close to his, not in sorrow or even happiness but just there because they both wanted it to be.
They didn't speak at all during that last song, Speed didn't know what was going through Calleigh's mind as their bodies moved to the music but it was taking all of his willpower not to crush her against him and finally kiss her lips. Doing that was out of the question right now though because of where they were and also because of Calleigh's tearful confession earlier. He would bide his time until she was in a more peaceful state of mind and they were both sober. It would be harder to work up the nerve then but it would also be easier to say what was on his mind when it wasn't clouded by alcohol.
When the music stopped and everyone was applauding the band, Calleigh didn't pull away. Instead she kept her arms around his neck and looked Speed in the eye, giving him a small smile. She was absolutely killing him and he was almost sure, by the way she was looking at him, that she must have some inkling as to her effect on him.
"Are you okay?" She asked him when he didn't smile back. He had tried but he was so distracted by her that he could only think of one thing right now.
"Calleigh, you're driving me crazy, do you know that?" He said, resulting in a confused look from his dance partner.
"What do you mean?" Speed was saved from trying to come up with a coherent response when Cathy and Eric came over to the two of them.
"Hey you two." Eric said, with his eyebrows raised at their lingering embrace. Calleigh pulled away from Speed then and he could see a blush forming on her cheeks. "Are you ready to head out?"
"Sure." Speed answered. I just want to say hi to Nick first though." Nick was already approaching them and Speed congratulated his friend on a great show. He introduced Nick to his friends then and after he did Calleigh and Cathy excused themselves for a moment to go to the ladies room. Speed would have loved to be a fly on the wall in that room and from the look on Eric's face as he watched them walk away he felt the same way.
He and Nick made small talk for a few minutes and then he left to mingle in the crowd before everyone took off to various after-parties.
"So what's up with you and Calleigh? And don't say nothing because I know that's something's going on."
"I wish I knew." Speed said, knowing that wasn't what Delko wanted to hear but not feeling up to explaining everything that was going through his mind right now.
"She's into you, Speed. Don't have any doubts about that." Delko said, causing Speed to look at him in surprise. "Haven't you seen the way she looks at you? I think it's pretty obvious. To the rest of us anyhow. I don't know what happened with that guy tonight but you seem to be the one on Calleigh's mind right now."
"Calleigh definitely wasn't interested in that guy. Her feelings for me, I don't know. Nothing's clear to me when it comes to Calleigh." Speed admitted, as he spotted the two women coming out of the restroom. It was true, being around Calleigh left him unable to judge anything. One moment he was sure she had feelings for him and the next he was sure she didn't and that he had just been imagining things. It was a relief to hear that Delko thought Calleigh was interested in him too.
"So, are you guys ready to go?" Cathy asked. "I can give you a ride home if you want since I haven't had a drop of alcohol all night." She said, a bit regretfully.
"How come?" Speed asked. He knew she had been drinking and had assumed it had been alcohol. It just proved how distracted he'd been all evening.
"One of the joys of motherhood, I guess." Cathy said with a smile. "I'm still breast-feeding so alcohol is a no-no, I'm afraid."
"It's good for us though because we don't have to cab home now." Calleigh said. "So how has it been, hanging out with a bunch of drunk people, Cath?"
"Actually, it's been great and I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime." She answered, with a glance Eric's way. He smiled at her and his gaze held hers for a moment.
"Soon, I hope." He said.
"I hope so too. It's just a matter of finding a babysitter." Cathy said, as the four of them headed for the exit. "I can't leave her with Alex all the time."
"Cathy, I wasn't kidding when I said I would baby sit so if you ever want to go out on a date or something...." Calleigh said with a teasing grin.
"Thanks, Calleigh. I may take you up on that." Cathy said, shaking her head as Calleigh laughed at the expression on Delko's face. If it was obvious to Delko that Speed had feelings for Calleigh than it was even more obvious that after only one night together, Eric had a bit of a crush on the southern redheaded beauty walking arm and arm with Calleigh.
TBC...
As always, please leave feedback...I'd love to know what you all think of this one
See Part 1 for Disclaimers, etc.
Calleigh sighed and looked into his eyes but didn't say another word.
"What makes you say that, Calleigh?"
"Well, most people our age are starting to settle down and have children and if they haven't yet it just means they haven't found the right person. I know it's going to be hard to find a man who's looking for the same things I am."
"What exactly, is that?" Speed was curious to know and hoped Calleigh would be straight with him.
"I just want someone to grow old with and enjoy life with. Just the two of us."
"Why is that so difficult?" Speed couldn't imagine any man not wanting share a life with Calleigh.
"I told you I don't want children and that doesn't seem to fit into the life plans of most of the guys I've gone out with. They pretty much all want to have children someday and can't accept the fact that I don't."
"Maybe it's your reasoning they can't accept." Speed told her and she looked away from him, studying her hands instead. He had been totally floored the other night, knowing there had to be more to it than what she would admit. Calleigh seemed like a natural with children and was such a loving person he couldn't imagine her not wanting to experience motherhood.
"I know it sounds lame but it's hard for me to really explain my why I feel the way I do. Rather than dragging up the past, it's sometimes just easier for me to say that it's a cruel, cruel world and I don't want to bring any children into it. Who can argue with me there?"
"No one can argue with that but most people can overlook it when they think about having kids. I think having children is kind of like becoming immortal. Our children and their children's children are a legacy I think most people want to leave on this earth. At least, that's how I feel." Calleigh looked at him in surprise.
"I can't believe how much thought you've put into it, Tim."
"I have. I really want to have kids someday, for so many reasons. I just think it would be so great to have children with someone I love."
"It would be." Calleigh agreed quietly, looking hesitantly into Speed's eyes. "I wasn't totally honest with you the other night, Tim. But there's something I want to tell you so you'll know where I'm coming from..." She seemed torn over what to say next but biting her bottom lip before she spoke, she continued. "I always thought I would have children and couldn't wait to find the right guy and get married. I was looking forward to having a career but wanted a family too. I actually fooled myself into thinking I could have both." She said, dabbing at fresh tears with her tissue.
Speed wanted to hear the rest of it but it hurt him to see her talk about something that obviously caused her so much pain.
"When I was twenty-one I was in university and dating a guy who was a couple years older than me. Things were going pretty great between Jeff and I when I discovered I was pregnant." Calleigh looked at Tim for a reaction and he tried not to let the shock he felt show on his face. He hadn't been expecting a bombshell like this. He put a reassuring hand on hers and urged her to continue.
"I was pretty devastated at first because I was eager to earn my degree before I thought about starting a family but Jeff got excited when I told him and his excitement was contagious. He proposed marriage and although I wasn't thrilled about following in my parents' footsteps of having a shotgun wedding, I accepted. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him."
Calleigh was silent for a moment before her face crumpled and she choked back a sob. Speed's heart went out to her and he put an arm around her as she took a deep breath and continued in a shaky voice.
"I was about four months pregnant and we were a week away from our wedding when I lost the baby." Calleigh said, letting the tears fall as Speed held onto her shaking body and stroked her hair.
"I'm so sorry, Cal. What went wrong?" Speed asked, when the sobs quieted down. He hadn't been expecting such an emotional confession from Calleigh but was glad to finally know what she had been hiding all this time.
"I don't know. I had tried to be so careful, doing everything I could to have a healthy baby but the doctor said that sometimes it just isn't meant to be. What kind of a reason is that?" Calleigh asked, in frustrated sadness.
"Sometimes there is no reason." Speed said gently.
"I was working in the lab in class one day when I started having awful cramps. I knew something wasn't right and I was so scared when I realized I was bleeding. An ambulance was called and Jeff met me at the hospital. They did an ultrasound and discovered the baby had already died so they performed a D & C to remove the fetus." Calleigh said, looking at Tim with tear-filled eyes.
"I never got to meet my baby and didn't know if it was a boy or a girl but I have thought about that child so many times. I sometimes imagine that it was a little girl and she was so beautiful, Tim. I loved that baby so much and losing her was the most painful thing I've ever had to go through. I decided that I was never going to put myself through that again."
"There's no reason to think it would happen again, Calleigh." Speed said, not wanting to upset her more but wishing she wouldn't deny herself the joy of children just because she'd lost one once.
"There's no reason to think it wouldn't, either." Calleigh insisted.
"Did you get checked out by a doctor to make sure you were okay?"
"Of course. And they found nothing wrong, no reason why I couldn't carry a child to term. But it doesn't matter. Losing a child before birth hurt so badly that I couldn't imagine what it would be like give birth to a child and then have some tragedy take her from you. I couldn't handle it."
"It would be awful." Tim agreed. "But so many women have miscarriages and if they all decided not to have children then the human race would be in jeopardy." He said reasonably.
"I guess I'm selfish then." Calleigh said to him. "Jeff thought so. He refused to understand why I wouldn't marry him and get pregnant again."
"So you broke up."
"We did. I know that I was partly responsible for pushing him away but he was a constant reminder of what I'd lost and I just didn't want to think about it anymore. Jeff was out of my life within three months and I buried myself in school, trying to forget what had happened. I had been so happy for awhile but I should have known it was too good to last."
"You'll be happy again someday, Calleigh." She looked at him doubtfully but he pulled her into a hug and she hugged him back with all her might. She might not ever find happiness with him but the fact that she had confided in him gave him a hope that hadn't been there before. "You deserve happiness more than anyone." Calleigh pulled out of his embrace and smiled at him.
"You're just too good to me, Tim. I don't know what I'd do without you." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood up, as he tried to control his response to the kiss. It had just been a peck on the cheek but his heart was racing and all he wanted to do was pull Calleigh into his arms and feel her lips on his.
"I'm really glad you told me this, Calleigh." He said, standing beside her and holding both her hands in his own. He had forgotten where they were and what they were doing there. All that mattered was Calleigh.
"I am too. I don't talk about it enough, really. I went to see a grief counselor after it happened and it's been seven years but there are times when the feelings are still so raw...I don't know if they'll ever heal." She looked so vulnerable right now and Speed couldn't resist pulling her into his arms again. Calleigh came to him willingly and he kissed the top of her head.
"The feelings will probably always be there, Calleigh but don't be afraid to talk about them if you need to. I'm here for you, okay?"
"Thanks Tim." Calleigh said, her voice muffled by his chest. Speed wished he could hold her like this forever but he knew that Eric and Cathy were inside, probably wondering what was taking them so long. Calleigh's admission tonight hadn't made him feel any differently about her, if anything, it just made his feelings for her even stronger.
"Anytime, Calleigh. How are you feeling now? Are you ready to go back inside to hear the last set?" He asked her, as she pulled away from him and straightened her dress.
"Sure. I'm feeling better but I think I'll get some water when we get back inside. No more booze for me tonight." She answered, smiling at him. She linked her arm through his and they walked back into Silver's.
The four of them spent the rest of the night dancing and before they knew it, the bartenders were announcing last call and the band was playing their final song. The final song turned out to be a dedication to some newly engaged friends of one of the band members and as Speed watched Eric put his arms around Cathy, who willingly came closer he wondered if he would be so lucky to dance this song with Calleigh.
Before he could contemplate any further Calleigh was in his arms, her arms around his neck and her head on his shoulder. He slid his arms around her waist, his hands lingering on the small of her back and he realized that this was what he had been wanting all night. Just to feel Calleigh's body close to his, not in sorrow or even happiness but just there because they both wanted it to be.
They didn't speak at all during that last song, Speed didn't know what was going through Calleigh's mind as their bodies moved to the music but it was taking all of his willpower not to crush her against him and finally kiss her lips. Doing that was out of the question right now though because of where they were and also because of Calleigh's tearful confession earlier. He would bide his time until she was in a more peaceful state of mind and they were both sober. It would be harder to work up the nerve then but it would also be easier to say what was on his mind when it wasn't clouded by alcohol.
When the music stopped and everyone was applauding the band, Calleigh didn't pull away. Instead she kept her arms around his neck and looked Speed in the eye, giving him a small smile. She was absolutely killing him and he was almost sure, by the way she was looking at him, that she must have some inkling as to her effect on him.
"Are you okay?" She asked him when he didn't smile back. He had tried but he was so distracted by her that he could only think of one thing right now.
"Calleigh, you're driving me crazy, do you know that?" He said, resulting in a confused look from his dance partner.
"What do you mean?" Speed was saved from trying to come up with a coherent response when Cathy and Eric came over to the two of them.
"Hey you two." Eric said, with his eyebrows raised at their lingering embrace. Calleigh pulled away from Speed then and he could see a blush forming on her cheeks. "Are you ready to head out?"
"Sure." Speed answered. I just want to say hi to Nick first though." Nick was already approaching them and Speed congratulated his friend on a great show. He introduced Nick to his friends then and after he did Calleigh and Cathy excused themselves for a moment to go to the ladies room. Speed would have loved to be a fly on the wall in that room and from the look on Eric's face as he watched them walk away he felt the same way.
He and Nick made small talk for a few minutes and then he left to mingle in the crowd before everyone took off to various after-parties.
"So what's up with you and Calleigh? And don't say nothing because I know that's something's going on."
"I wish I knew." Speed said, knowing that wasn't what Delko wanted to hear but not feeling up to explaining everything that was going through his mind right now.
"She's into you, Speed. Don't have any doubts about that." Delko said, causing Speed to look at him in surprise. "Haven't you seen the way she looks at you? I think it's pretty obvious. To the rest of us anyhow. I don't know what happened with that guy tonight but you seem to be the one on Calleigh's mind right now."
"Calleigh definitely wasn't interested in that guy. Her feelings for me, I don't know. Nothing's clear to me when it comes to Calleigh." Speed admitted, as he spotted the two women coming out of the restroom. It was true, being around Calleigh left him unable to judge anything. One moment he was sure she had feelings for him and the next he was sure she didn't and that he had just been imagining things. It was a relief to hear that Delko thought Calleigh was interested in him too.
"So, are you guys ready to go?" Cathy asked. "I can give you a ride home if you want since I haven't had a drop of alcohol all night." She said, a bit regretfully.
"How come?" Speed asked. He knew she had been drinking and had assumed it had been alcohol. It just proved how distracted he'd been all evening.
"One of the joys of motherhood, I guess." Cathy said with a smile. "I'm still breast-feeding so alcohol is a no-no, I'm afraid."
"It's good for us though because we don't have to cab home now." Calleigh said. "So how has it been, hanging out with a bunch of drunk people, Cath?"
"Actually, it's been great and I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime." She answered, with a glance Eric's way. He smiled at her and his gaze held hers for a moment.
"Soon, I hope." He said.
"I hope so too. It's just a matter of finding a babysitter." Cathy said, as the four of them headed for the exit. "I can't leave her with Alex all the time."
"Cathy, I wasn't kidding when I said I would baby sit so if you ever want to go out on a date or something...." Calleigh said with a teasing grin.
"Thanks, Calleigh. I may take you up on that." Cathy said, shaking her head as Calleigh laughed at the expression on Delko's face. If it was obvious to Delko that Speed had feelings for Calleigh than it was even more obvious that after only one night together, Eric had a bit of a crush on the southern redheaded beauty walking arm and arm with Calleigh.
TBC...
As always, please leave feedback...I'd love to know what you all think of this one
