Once again, we join Combeferre and Enjolras in the Café Musain, debating the ever-constant topic around these parts…
Combeferre: No, you.
Enjolras: No, you!
Combeferre: No, you!
Enjolras: Okay, let's make a truce and say Grantaire has cooties.
Combeferre: All right.
Enjolras: Yay! Truce!
Enjolras: I'm Enjolras so you all must listen to me.
Combeferre: NOO! I AM BEING OPRESSED!
Enjolras: No, you aren't! How are you being oppressed?
Combeferre: I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU!
Enjolras: You voted for me!
Combeferre: I voted for Courfeyrac!
Enjolras: No you didn't!
Combeferre: All right.
Enjolras: You didn't vote for him!
Enjolras: He wasn't on the ballot.
Combeferre: But I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!
Enjolras: That's odd, how can you vote for someone who isn't on the ballot?
Combeferre: Err...
Enjolras: Did Joly call you in the early morning screaming on how he's got the plague?
Combeferre: Didn't he call everybody?
Enjolras: He must have. Then everyone called ME to complain.
Enjolras: What was I supposed to do about it?
Combeferre: I think something should be done about Joly. He's such a nuisance!
Enjolras: I agree! I can barely use a fellytone in the day, let alone in the middle of the night!
Combeferre: It's not that complicated, Enjolras. You just push the 3 button, then the 8 button, then any combination of buttons until you get the number you want.
Enjolras: Why do you press 3 and 8?
Combeferre: Not sure, exactly.
Enjolras: Okay, let's see if I can ring you...
Enjolras: Is your fellytone ringing?
Combeferre: *shakes head*
Enjolras: Why, Combeferre? You know Chinese?
Enjolras: But, Combeferre...
Enjolras: Why don't you speak French so I can understand you? I don't know Chinese!!
Combeferre: Er, Enjolras? I only know French. I think- I think you pressed the wrong numbers.
Enjolras: But, I like nine so very much.
Enjolras: *presses random nines*
Combeferre: *presses random fives*
Enjolras: Um, Combeferre, I attempted to order a pizza last night but a whole lot of women showed up on my doorstep...
Enjolras: I was less than pleased.
Combeferre: Er, er, er... Enjolras? Would you, um, mind giving me that, uh, number?
Enjolras: No!
Combeferre: Dang.
Combeferre: But... but... BUT!
Enjolras: Are you running a secret bordello?? I'm shocked!
Enjolras: And awed!
Combeferre: I- I...
Combeferre: I am NOT!
Enjolras: Well, then, what went wrong?
Enjolras: Oh, wait, wasn't R staying at your place for a couple of days last week?
Combeferre: Yes... and I guess that would explain all the empty bottles I've been finding... was wondering about those.
Enjolras: Unless you drink in your sleep.
Combeferre: Is that possible?
Enjolras: I watched a Dateline special on it, of course it's possible!
Combeferre: *gasp* But what if I-
Enjolras: Combeferre, there is a higher call!
Combeferre: *fastens phone to ceiling*
Enjolras: Take your fellytone down, how will you reach it?
Combeferre: Do I ever get any calls?
Enjolras: Yes, don't you get many from Joly?
Combeferre: In that case, I think I'll leave it up there.
Enjolras: And didn't I call you once?
Combeferre: Did you?
Enjolras: I think I did...but I couldn't understand you.
Enjolras: You were yelling into the receiver in English.
Combeferre: How many times have I told you, I only speak French!
Enjolras: Well, whenever I try to call you I get anything but French.
Enjolras: Oh, wait. Some random girl just programmed you into my speed dial, under 'police'.
Combeferre: Yay!
Enjolras: No, that higher call I'm talking about is...*drumroll* Courfeyrac's surprise birthday party at the Cafe tomorrow, in lieu of the meeting.
Combeferre: Yay for Courfeyrac! *coughwhowouldmakeabetterleaderforsurecough*
Enjolras: No, I haven't planned it yet, that's the problem.
Enjolras: You need to help me.
Enjolras: Hmm...does he eat cake?
Combeferre: Well, I've never planned a birthday party... But if it's anything like yours, we'd better watch everybody so that none of them jump off a balcony.
Combeferre: Chocolate or vanilla?
Enjolras: I don't know, should I call him and ask which he likes better?
Enjolras: And, for your information, my birthday was a huge success!
Combeferre: I think you'd better.
Enjolras: But then wouldn't he know about the party?
Combeferre: Ahh, a huge success. Flight and planes, I don't think so!
Combeferre: Hmm, well, I'm pretty sure he likes chocolate cake more... But maybe not.
Enjolras: Let's do marble.
Combeferre: All right.
Enjolras: Um, do you think he should get any presents?
Combeferre: Like what?
Enjolras: Um, I got him a...a... I can't think of its name...
Combeferre: I think I'll buy him one of those waffle irons. They're quite nifty.
Enjolras: Um, I'm trying to remember what I got him...let's see...
Enjolras: Um, it's flat and round, and when you put it into a thing it makes noises.
Combeferre: Flat AND round?
Enjolras: It's circular.
Combeferre: Ahh. I think he'd be better off with a goldfish.
Enjolras: I put it into one of those things and it sounded like a bunch of people yelling at me (with a nice beat in the background)...
Enjolras: Ah! I remember!
Enjolras: A CD!
Combeferre: I heard one once. The guy thought he was you, Enjolras!
Enjolras: He did?
Combeferre: He was stealing your lines!
Enjolras: Oh, no! Why??
Combeferre: I don't know!
Enjolras: Did he rally the people, call them to arms, and bring them in line?
Combeferre: He attempted to, but he just wasn't a good leader like Courfeyrac- I mean, like you.
Enjolras: Did he *looks sad* win the insurrection?
Combeferre: He… he stole your death scene, too!
Enjolras: WHAT??
Enjolras: Should I sue? I hear Pontmercy's a lawyer.
Combeferre: I don't think we can trust him. The eye shadow, remember? However, this fellow, Billy Flynn...
Enjolras: Hmm...
Enjolras: I don't see what Cosette sees in Marius.
Enjolras: I mean, what's so great about him?
Combeferre: I guess that maybe she thinks under all the concealer there's some sort of *shudder* man.
Enjolras: Really?
Enjolras: She's dumber than we thought.
Combeferre: I agree.
Enjolras: Joly just called me again!
Combeferre: About what?
Enjolras: Ah, no tragic illness. Courfey's birthday.
Enjolras: He got him a waffle iron.
Combeferre: BUT-
Combeferre: BUT-
Combeferre: BUT-
Combeferre: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HIM?
Enjolras: A trucker hat?
Combeferre: Maybe I'll steal Eponine's hat and give it to him. They're all the rage, you know. (Author's note: Are we the only people who have noticed Eponine-style hats being sold ALL OVER? At least they are in the Mall of America.)
Enjolras: Jehan says that the newest fad is not taking a shower.
Combeferre: Does he, now?
Enjolras: Yes, and he could certainly use one.
Enjolras: I mean, he's going to get Grantaire germs, for heavens sake!
Combeferre: Grantaire isn't THAT bad!
Enjolras: Yes, he is!
Combeferre: What did he ever do to you?
Enjolras: He hovers around me all the time, and invades my personal space.
Combeferre: Besides that...
Enjolras: *shifty eyes*
Enjolras: He stole my girlfriend. *suspicious*
Combeferre:...YOU had a GIRLFRIEND? Ahh, Marius, I suppose.
Enjolras: No, I didn't.
Enjolras: Hey, be quiet!
Enjolras: It was one-sided, I assure you.
Combeferre: I would never sink that low.
Enjolras: Hey, I didn't do anything!
Combeferre: Eye shadow, yes. Blush, yes. But never... never Marius!!
Enjolras: It was one sided, heavens to Lamarque!
Enjolras: He was in love with me, and I pushed him off a cliff (like I'm planning to do with Courfeyrac tomorrow)
Combeferre: I doubt that!
Enjolras: I wasn't in love with him!
Enjolras: Did he tell the whole blasted Cafe these lies?
Combeferre: I'm sure you weren't! *holds up a love letter with a poem on it* "Dear Marius... ... ... Love, Enjolras." *scoffs*
Enjolras: I so did not write that!
Combeferre: It's in your handwriting! In red and black ink!
Enjolras: What's the poem say?
Enjolras: No, no, no!
Enjolras: I didn't do it...I didn't do it...I'd rather...Grantaire than Marius...HELP ME, LOST SOUL OF LAMARAQUE!
Combeferre: Stop lying, Enjolras!
Enjolras: *cries* It wasn't me, I swear...*boo hoo*
Combeferre: *hands him the letter* How can you say you never wrote this? Marius must be HEARTBROKEN to hear that!
Enjolras: Hey wait!
Enjolras: The poem reads:
Se Ceasar M'avait donne la gloire et le guerre
et qu'ill me fallut quitter l'amour de ma MARIUS
Je dirais au Grande Ceasar
reprends ton septre et ton char
J'aime meux MARIUS o gue!
J'aime meux ma MARIUS
Enjolras: And it's written in PURPLE!
Combeferre: WHAT? I'VE BEEN FRAMED!!
Combeferre: And what can I say? I'm colorblind!
Enjolras: Don't you have glasses for that?
Combeferre: *hits head* Yes, Enjolras, my glasses for colorblindness.
Enjolras: Hey...this is Cosette's handwriting.
Combeferre: Cosette thinks she's Enjolras? *scratches head*
Enjolras: No, she thinks YOU'RE Enjolras.
Enjolras: She's not bright.
Combeferre: Apparently not.
Enjolras: Okay, that was a pintless argument, as Grantaire is inclined to say.
Enjolras: Hey, I think I got your number right!
Enjolras: Is your fellytone ringing?
Combeferre: *shakes head again*
Enjolras: Crap.
Enjolras: Um, I've gotten a hold of...some girl.
Enjolras: She's yelling into the phone about how great I am.
Combeferre: Why do YOU always manage to get the girls??
Enjolras: Look, you want to talk to her?
Combeferre: Well, if she likes you... no. NOBODY LIKES ME! *cries*
Enjolras: *hands receiver magically to Combeferre* Here, talk!
Combeferre: POIVRE! **
Enjolras: Poivre?
Combeferre: Yes.
Combeferre: *shrugs* I just felt like saying pepper.
Enjolras: Give the phone back.
Combeferre: If you insist.
**Poivre: pepper.
