Chapter 10 – Neville's Woes
Harry looked up from the book and rubbed his eyes; after reading for so long the letters were starting to become blurred and none of it seemed to be entering his mind anymore. He opened the window and poked his head out into the cold night air, taking deep breaths to try and refresh himself. Ever since the holidays had ended and school had resumed, the solitude from last summer had returned, albeit in a subdued form. Cho was the one person who could make him forget it all, but since she was in her final year and had upcoming NEWTs, she was unable to spend as much time with him as before. He had grudgingly accepted that she had to work harder and improve her grades, but that didn't stop him from feeling lonely without her. Ron and Hermione kept inviting him along with them, but since they couldn't keep their hands of each other it would only make him feel awkward. On top of that there had been a nagging voice in the back of his head reminding him of the inevitable task ahead. Being with Cho had dissolved all his motivation, but now that he was alone again for most of the week his angst had reappeared. He found himself thinking about Sirius again, and the only way not to despair was to bury himself in reading. He missed his godfather, more than words could have ever described.
Focus! his anger yelled inside his mind. He had relentlessly pushed himself the entire month of January, having finished the book from the library and speeding his way through the biography of the all-time best duelers.
One of the more interesting parts so far had been the biography of Filius Flitwick. Harry had heard that he'd once been a dueling champion when he was younger, but he had no idea that his charms teacher had been the last winner ever before the tournament was officially stopped. He felt a new sense of awe for the emotional little man who always stood on a pile of books to see over his desk.
His classes these days were still incredibly easy. Not only did he already know all the material for every single course, but he always did his homework right after every class. The spare time he had coupled with the incentive of impending doom made for a lot of highly motivated studying time.
Dumbledore's private lessons were always a highlight of the week. Those few hours under the careful tutelage of the greatest wizard of this age surpassed anything he learnt spending a whole month with his nose in books. He realized it was unfair to the other students, but he wished he could just study all day under the Headmaster.
The only other thing he would do besides going to class and studying was quidditch practice. It helped him release the tension of those long hours when he was on his broom, and it kept his reflexes in shape too.
By early February he finished the book that Lupin had given him, and he decided to use his newly acquired privilege to go and browse through the restricted section. It was obvious Madam Pince was extremely displeased that he had the freedom to take whatever he wanted, but there was nothing she could do to stop him. The fact that Dumbledore trusted him was a source of great pride.
He browsed through the shelves for anything related to dueling that might help him, and found an interesting book in the transfiguration section.
The use of conjured items in duels by Alberta Toothill
He opened it up and examined its contents.
…It is often prudent to conjure animals to your defense so that they may serve either as distractions or directly involve themselves in your duel…
Voldemort had used a snake to attack he thought to himself, and it had been very effective. Pleased with his find he grabbed the book and left for his room, much to the chagrin of Madam Pince who glared after him.
He arrived at his favorite study spot only to find Neville sitting there by the window and staring out into the grounds.
'Hi Neville.'
'Harry … how … how are you?'
Neville's face was filled with misery, but he was trying to conceal it and feigned a smile.
'Everything ok Neville?'
'Oh yes, fine' he said in a very unconvincing tone.
'You don't sound ok Neville' he said kindly, 'mind if I sit down?'
Neville nodded, and Harry sat down next to him. He suddenly felt guilty about neglecting Neville so much this year. He really liked Neville, and felt sorry that his grandmother was always putting him down. He had shown that he had talent last year at the DA, and he had always been a loyal friend, it was just a matter of confidence.
'I think I understand how you feel Neville …'
Neville turned his head at Harry and looked at him with sad eyes, then turned away again.
'My parents don't even remember me Harry, they haven't in ten years.'
'I know. And I know how it feels that the person who did it to them is free again. I lost both my parents and Sirius, and the people who did it are still roaming free.'
'There's one difference' he said miserably, 'You can avenge them, you have the talent. Me, I'm almost a squib. That's what really makes me angry you know, that there's nothing I can do about it.'
'What?!' Harry exclaimed, 'that's ridiculous. I was there at the ministry Neville, you were just as good as anyone else!'
'I wish the DA still existed. I'll never be as good as the people who tortured my parents, but when I was in the DA I felt like I was doing something at least.'
Harry knew how he felt. He had buried himself in work after Sirius' death; it made him despair less when he was working towards a goal, towards vengeance…'
'Then let's start it up again Neville.'
'Are you serious? I mean, you're really busy with that good-looking girl and everything.'
'I'll make the time Neville, don't worry. We're not so different, you and I. We have to stick together.'
For the first time in their conversation there was a glimmer of hope in Neville's eyes, and he looked at Harry thankfully.
'Let's just keep it between the two of us for now, maybe we can start this Wednesday. I've got to go now Neville, see you later.
Neville seemed to be a lot happier after, but as he walked away he couldn't help feeling bad for him.
On the first Tuesday of February he walked to Dumbledore's office for his usual weekly lesson with a sense of anticipation. They had finished practicing apparation during duels last week, and he could now displace himself almost at will.
'Hello Harry, please come in and sit down. I will be done in just a moment and then we can begin our lesson.'
Harry sat quietly and looked around the room while Dumbledore scribbled away with his quill, and saw the sorting hat looking at him again.
'May I sir?' he asked
Dumbledore looked up and then smiled and nodded.
'Of course.'
He took the hat and placed it on his head.
'Yes, everything is still there. Bravery, ambition, and you still have a keen mind. No surprises there, people's minds don't really change you know; only their choices do.'
'Do you still think I could have gone into Slytherin?'
'You could have been great in any house with your mind, but you chose the path of righteousness. Though your house will greatly influence the rest of your life, it's never too late to change your choices.'
'Would I have been more powerful in Slytherin?' he asked slowly
'Slytherin may have sped your growth up, or it may not have; it's hard to say. You'll awaken your true potential sooner or later.'
'…My true potential …?' he asked with a shocked tone.
'It's all there, just waiting to be discovered. When the time is right, I'm sure you'll tap into it.'
'Shall we begin our lesson now Harry?'
'Oh - of course sir.'
He took off the hat and put it back on the shelf, feeling more confused now than ever before.
'Today we will not need to take a portkey; Professor Binns' classroom should be large enough for our purposes. Follow me please.'
He followed Dumbledore down the stairs and through the corridor to his old history of magic classroom.
'Now Harry, I'm sure you have realized that different wizards have different amounts of magical power.'
'Right - at the ministry, when you sent a spell at Voldemort, it felt so powerful that all my hair stood on end.'
Dumbledore nodded
'And when you cast a patronus, it is harder and harder to drive off more of them. The patronus you cast in your third year must have been very powerful indeed to drive of so many dementors.'
'But … I was just thinking of a particularly happy thought at the time …'
'Exactly, remember what I said about your emotions? You must learn to use them in your spells; they are your greatest ally. Why don't we try the patronus charm, it would be perfect as a demonstration. Please cast your patronus now.'
Harry tried to recall a happy memory; and focused on that day by the lake with Cho as he said the spell. The silver stag shot out of his wand and flew around the room.
'Very good, a remarkable achievement, and the key to casting that spell was to put your happiness behind it. It is no different with many other spells; you just need to apply the appropriate emotion to be more effective.'
'How do I know what emotion I should focus on for a spell?'
'It is usually quite logical which one to use. Many curses require anger for example, while many charms require more positive emotions, but this is just a general rule of thumb. You will have to relearn many spells, and get used to putting your emotional strength into it as you do with the patronus. With much practice it will eventually be second nature to you. Now why don't we start off with a simple stunning spell?'
Harry spent hours that day trying to do as Dumbledore said, but try as he might he could not make any progress. It frustrated him to no end that he was unable to figure out the key to pouring his emotions into his spells, and by the end he was losing focus and Dumbledore called the evening to a halt.
'Perhaps the time simply hasn't come yet Harry; we'll hold off on this and learn something new next week.'
He fell asleep that night into terrible nightmares of all his friends being murdered because he was too weak to stop it, and woke up the next morning feeling utterly lousy.
