I feel so helpless.

I've been bedridden for seven months, two weeks, thirteen days,

ten hours, fifty-two minutes, and forty-one seconds.

But, who's counting, really?

My pillow feels so soft and my comforter is filled with feathers.

But, staring at the T.V. is driving me crazy.

Ever since my illness, I've always felt so weak.

My husband has ignored me since then.

Then again, he's always ignored me for a long time.

And it's been weeks since I moved back in with my father.

He's so happy to see me and Rei.

He's always praying for my health to improve.

But I know that it'll never improve.

I guess that you can call me a skeptic.

I used to be such an active woman.

But now, the only thing I do is watch T.V.

I hate T.V.

I find that it can warp the minds of the youth.

I've always strived to inspire Rei's mind without the use of that

metal box.

She always loved it whenever I read a couple of fairytales to

her.

I hate feeling this weak.

I hate missing out on Rei's life now.

I know that Rei is taking this the hardest.

Before my illness, she and I have always played together.

She and I would go to the beach and make sand castles.

We would always stop whatever we are doing and watch the sunset

together.

But now, things have changed.

She now prays with my father for my health to improve.

The praying will never help at this point.

Ever since the illness, she's always been helpful.

She's always brushing my hair and bringing me my food.

But she never plays outside anymore.

I always tell her to go outside and play.

But she doesn't listen.

She comes home from school.

And she sneaks in my room.

It's routine for us now.

She tells me of her day at school.

I tell her to go outside and play.

And she looks at me with sad eyes.

She looked like she was ready to cry for me.

And I was about to die of heartache.

I can't stand seeing Rei so sad.

She finally leaves.

But not before giving me a kiss on my forehead.

Three hours have past now.

My eyes felt so tired and heavy.

I feel as though I can't keep them open.

Rei comes in now.

She brings me a bowl of daikon miso soup with a toothy smile on

her face.

Her front tooth was taken out recently.

I missed the chance to remove her tooth when it was dangling

loose.

I'm missing the chance to watch my daughter grow up.

Even though she's only eight.

She doesn't deserve to see me like this.

I want her to always be happy in no matter what she does.

Is there really a higher deity in this universe?

I doubt it.

But, in case there is, I ask for only one thing.

For Rei to be happy, no matter what.

Though, I seriously have my doubts that there's something greater

than humans in this universe.

But, I guess that I'll never know.

Maybe I'll have the answers to all of life's questions in death?

Nah...

That's just stupid talk that my father always says.

I shake my head in doubt, laughing for the first time since I was

diagnosed with my condition.

I refuse to name it because I fear it.

I fear the illness within me.

Eating away at my very soul.

I should stop thinking like this.

It's just killing me, that's all.

Why in the world am I starting to go spiritual now?

It won't save me in the end.