AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I hope this is too disjuncted. It's been a very long and emotional draining week, that has included, grades, an uncooperative and unsupportive vice-principal, an unexpected funeral that was very emotionally draining, that included a five hour round trip drive and getting hit by a car. (Not seriously injurred, Thank the Gods.") However, here is the next chapter in Dragonkin. I want to thak everyone for the kind feedback, and I hope I can live up to your expectations. A special thanks to my roommate and best friend, Kim aka here as Wolfkitten.
"Well, do you think this will do any good, or do you think maybe we've made things worse?" Trini asked, her arms crossed in front of her as if she were trying to hold herself. Behind her, Zack had both his arms wrapped around her, as if lending her his strength as Tommy came up to join them and Kim.
"We have to get them to do something. It's been too long since they've even talked as friends, much less as Bros' or something more," Zack replied.
Kim smiled, "Sometimes you have to badger Billy for a long time before you can get him to talk about his feelings. You know, he just bottles it up or throws himself into his work to avoid thinking about them, or do something about how he feels. This is at least a start."
"How'd you convince him to come talk to Jase?" Tommy asked.
"I didn't," Kim told him. "I just saw him heading this way, with that look he gets when he finally has had enough something." Kim told him. "I figured he'd finally decided to talk to Jase."
"In other words, they could be in there discussing the latest Spider-man movie," Zack teased.
Tommy shook his head, "I don't think so. Billy looked rather irritated at Jason when he came in."
"What were you doing there Bro?" Zack asked.
"Being nosey," Tommy replied
"And?..." Kim asked. "Did you get him to tell you what they were fighting about?"
"Yep," Tommy replied.
After a long moment of Kim bouncing as if expecting more, she asked, "And?..."
"Not my place to tell," Tommy smiled. "If they want you to know, they'll tell you."
"Let me guess," Zack smiled. "Billy never returned Jase's Uncanny X-Men Number 341?"
Tommy laughed, "No, nothing THAT serious." He grinned at Zack, "After all, that's the kind of thing that you shoot people over."
Zack grinned, "You got a point there."
Trini and Kim just looked at each other before Kim said, "Would you two grow up? This is serious."
Zack smiled at her, "So are we? Do you have any idea what happened in that issue?"
Kim put her hands on her hips, "No and I don't care."
"That's a critical story. Go look up it up." He continued.
Kim just stared at Tommy, "Seriously Tommy, at least tell us if what we've all suspected about their relationship is true."
"Sure," Tommy said. "As soon as you tell us, who it was you lost your virginity to."
Zack and Trini and looked at each other confused. If Tommy had asked something like that, then evidently his and Kim's original romance had taken some strange twists.
"Tommy!" Kim protested. "How dare you?"
"How dare you ask me to tell you something that Jason told me in confidence."
"All right, all right," she said. "I won't ask you again."
Tommy smiled, "Good. If you want to know, ask Jase or Billy, or better yet, both. After all, what you're asking involves both of them."
Kim stuck her tongue out at him and said, "You know, sometimes you're so noble it makes my hair hurt."
Zack seemed to stare off at the door to Jase's quarters for long moments, as if he were listening to something. Finally, he said resigned, "At least they're not shouting at each other."
Trini snorted, "As far as we can tell. After all, I get the feeling that these walls are pretty well sound proofed."
"Well, are we going to wait here all night to see if Billy comes out, or are we going to go back to our rooms and sleep?" Tommy asked.
The other three just looked at each other. Finally, Kim said, "Well, I don't know about you three, but I'm going to bed. It's been a long day, and I haven't seen that much of my husband lately."
"I think I'll join you," Tommy said.
All three turned and looked him in astonishment. Zack asked, "Don't you think you should discuss that with Adam first?"
Tommy just blushed, "You know what I mean. I think I'll turn in myself."
"We just wanted to make sure," Zack replied. "After all, you do have a certain reputation when it comes to Pink Rangers."
"Uh, guys," Kim said menacingly, "I AM right here. I can guarantee you, that any Pink Ranger he joins in bed tonight won't be this one."
Trini teased her old friend, "I don't know, I thought you and Kat may have decided to trade off for the night or something."
"No," Kim said. "Tommy's nice and all, but I don't think he can live up to my standards."
"Hey!" Tommy protested.
Kim just fixed him with a stare, "That's what you get for that question. Things said in private should stay there."
Tommy stared at her and said, "That was my point, Kim."
She looked down at her nails, "Yeah, but I'm the one who likes to make those kinds of points."
Tommy looked at Zack, "Did that make any sense to you?"
Zack looked over at Kim and asked, "If answer that truthfully, will you hut me?"
"Yes."
Zack smiled at Tommy, "Made perfect sense Bro."
Tommy looked at his old friend, "Coward."
"Maybe, but at least I haven't managed to tick off Kimberly. You do remember how good she is at getting even don't you."
Tommy stopped and considered what Zack said. A particular nasty memory of honey, sand, and his sunscreen came to mind. "Come to think of it; you're right." He looked at Kimberly, "I apologize Mrs. Park. I hadn't meant anything other than I was going to my OWN bed, and I wouldn't want anyone else to get the wrong idea."
Kim just smiled and turned on her heel. "Apology accepted," she said as she went down the hall.
*********************************************
Rocky's calm serene dream of fishing with Adam in the mountains was suddenly interrupted by a flash of light and blinding pain in his face quickly followed by the sounds of Aisha screaming, "No! No! No! No! Nooooooooo!"
Rocky sat bolt upright next to his flailing wife. Reaching out gently he shook her, "Wake up 'Sha, you're having a nightmare." Shaking her again, he repeated, "'Sha, Aisha, wake up."
Her chocolate brown eyes flew open, and Rocky could see the stark terror in them, as she fought against her dream-assailants. For long seconds she lay there beside him, trembling in fear, as she slowly, realized where she was, and who was beside her. Reaching up she gently touched her fingers to his lips and brought them away to reveal the blood from where she'd struck him in her sleep. "Rocky, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He could see the terror slowly turn to guilt in her eyes.
"Hey, don't worry about it, "Sha. I always enjoy being pummeled by a beautiful woman." He grinned down at her, "Don't tell my wife though, she's insanely jealous." Then with a child-like conspiratorial grin, he said, "Wait, on second thought, tell her. I love opportunities to show her how much I love her."
Rocky could see the fear and guilt slowly dissipate from her eyes as she grinned at his silliness. "You're incorrigible, you know that?" she said.
"Hey, I don't even know what that means." Rocky protested.
Snuggling in close to him, she said, "It means that I love you very much, Rocky." Sighing she added, "And that I'm a very lucky woman, to have you."
"Hey, what are Red Rangers for?" she smiled, purposefully calling up the memory of his color when they were on the same team.
"For rescuing damsels in distress?" she asked.
Giving her a slight bow- not an easy task while sitting in bed- he said, "That's me, the monkey of your dreams." Then with a more serious note he said, "You're upset about Billy not telling us he was in the Army." With the possible exception of Adam, the other Rangers would have been surprised at the depth of his insight. He knew that most of his friends considered him somewhat a goof-ball, but he also knew he could be quite perceptive at times. He figured, it came from all the siblings.
He felt her nod against his side. "Why didn't he tell us?"
Rocky shrugged, "I don't know. I've heard Trini described as being inscrutable, but I really think Billy is the one, who is. I mean, you never know what he's feeling." Pulling his wife closer to him he added, "I guess, he didn't want to disturb you with it."
"But why didn't he tell the others? I mean I may have my own irrational fears, but he didn't mention it to anyone for years. Before he ever even knew about my… uh…," she searched for a word vainly.
Rocky just shrugged, "I guess it's just the Cranston way." Then sighing deeply he shook his head, "I'm not really sure, but I think somebody hurt him pretty badly. He's always had something of a haunted look about him, and I know from talking to Kim, and Zack that his life has been one tragedy after another, and that his friendship with Jason and the others was one of the few bright spots in it. I guess that sort of makes him clam up and keep things to himself. If he doesn't share, then he doesn't have to worry about getting hurt again." He looked down at her, "Does that make sense?"
Aisha smiled up at him, "Oddly enough, yes."
"I know he didn't tell us out of any desire to hurt you 'Sha."
She smiled at him, "I know Rocky. It was just something of a shock."
He nodded as she snuggled against him closely, "Rocky?"
He leaned back against the pillow holding her in his arms gently- glad to have taken her mind off the nightmares. "Uh huh?" he replied.
He felt her hands begin to roam along his body, "I just thought of something else Red Rangers are good for." She pulled him over on top of her and kissed him rather seriously.
****************************************************************
"About what?" Billy asked keeping his voice neutral.
Jason fidgeted in his chair, 'I lied when I told you that I didn't care for you in "that way". He made little quotation marks with his hands. Finally, admitting that Billy after al these years was one of the most difficult things he'd ever done.
"Oh, then exactly what DID you mean by what you said?" Billy asked, his voice still neutral.
"I guess what I was trying to say at that time is that this scares the hell out of me, because then, I was just beginning to realize that I did care for you as more than just a Bro." Jason forced himself to look Billy in the eye as he answered. "I was scared, and I lied, and then ran. I'm sorry about that. I was just having trouble coming to grips with the idea of what that meant."
"And now?" Billy's voice remained analytical. Jason could hear resentment and hurt in the former Blue Ranger's tone.
"And now," Jason said, "My feelings haven't really changed- except maybe to become stronger. I just don't know how what to do about them." He tried to force some humor into the situation, hoping to defuse Billy's anger. "You see, I'm sort of stuck on this guy, and nobody I've ever been around can come to close to setting off this kind of feeling in me." Billy stood, and walked to the back of the room, seeming to study the patterns in the paneled walls. For long moments, he remained silent. "Billy, I didn't mean to hurt you. That was the last thing I'd ever want to do."
Billy sighed, and then finally said, "Jase you did. I won't lie to you. When you walked out that door, it was like a part of me died. I've only ever felt that low one other time in my life." Jason knew what Billy was talking about. He didn't normally discuss his mother's death, but Jason knew that it had been so painful that even to this day Billy found it hard to talk about her. Not because he didn't love her, but because he'd loved her so much that the thought of all these years without her, still caused him pain. The idea that Jason had hurt Billy that deeply was like knife in his own soul.
"Billy, I'm sorry." Jason said. "I know that's not enough, but I don't know what else I can do." He felt his own tears rising in eyes, "I wasn't ready for it yet. I didn't understand it, and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me. It scared me more than anything in this world ever has. Not only because I found myself caring for another guy like that, but because it was you, because you obviously cared about me that way too, and I hadn't come to grips with it yet. It was so much so fast, that I needed time to think."
"Jason," Billy still didn't turn to face him, "Did you think I wouldn't have given you time. I would have given you all of eternity, just to know that there was a chance." Billy's voice was low, and deep with emotion. "But you told me there was NO chance." He shook his head, and Jason could see his shoulders begin to shake with repressed sobs. Finally turning, Jason could see the conflict in his oldest friend's face, "You left me Jase. I could have handled being just friends, but you took yourself completely out of my life. You left me just like…" Billy brought himself up short.
He didn't have to finish the sentence though. Jason knew what he meant. He'd left Billy just like his mother had. "Billy, I'm sorry. I won't leave you now." He looked down, "Not unless you want me to."
"I don't know Jase," Billy told him. "It's taken me a long time to get where I can trust anyone again." He crossed his arms, "What do you want from me Jase? Friendship? Loyalty? Love? Sex?"
Jason found himself shocked by the last suggestion. Did Billy think that he would really use him that way? He felt his anger boil at the suggestion. There was no way he'd ever use his friends like that. He started to tell Billy just what he thought of that implication when a tiny voice in the back of his head said, It's a fair question. YOU walked out on him. Now you come back and tell him you lied and that you really do care about him after all. You can't have it both way's Jason: you hurt him, now you've got to prove that you do love him. He took a deep breath and thought about it, before relying, "I want my Billy back, I want my Little Bro. I've never doubted our friendship and your loyalty, that has always been the rock solid constant of my life. Love? that's more than I dare ask for. Sex? Not without the love," he told him. "I've had enough of that for a lifetime."
Billy smiled at him, looked down, and studied his boots. He'd been hurt by Jason before, and he didn't want to hurt like that again. However, another small part of his brain kept saying, This is Jase. He won't hurt you.
He mentally told the voice, But he already did once.
But, he wasn't ready to deal with that just yet. You can't expect him to come to grips with what this meant back then in one easy night. Each person deals with it in their own time. Aloud, he said to Jason, "Jason, I honestly don't know. I know what I want, but now I'm scared- not that I'm gay. I came to grips with that a long time ago. I'm scared to let myself care about you like that again." He looked up, "How do I know you won't suddenly decide this just a phase and that you've worked your way through it? That you're just experimenting?"
Jason got the feeling that that might have happened to him in the past. He sighed, walked over and put a hand on Billy's shoulder. With the other, he gently forced Billy's chin up to look at him, "Look, I know what I am Billy. I've dealt with that." He decided that if he was going to win Billy's trust, he would have to be completely honest with him. He told him the truth, "I know what I want. I know what I've had. I won't lie to you. I've been with other men before- and women- not many, but enough to know what I like and don't like. The only thing is that without fail, there was always something missing from the relationship. It took me a while to realize that what was missing was you. You were missing from my life. If I can't have the kind of relationship with you that I want, I'll settle for friendship. It doesn't matter if we're twenty-two back then or closing in on thirty now, what I'm missing, what I want is you." Billy just stood there quietly looking at him. Jason sighed and added, "Look, it may not work out, but at least we can say we gave it a shot, and part as friends. But, something inside me says that it will- that this is right."
"What about our careers? They may have repealed DADT, but the brass still doesn't like the idea of same gender relationships in the ranks."
Jason put his hands on his side. He'd hadn't had to work this hard at convincing Billy he was sincere since that first day they'd met so long ago. Then brownies and milk had helped calm the scared little boy. Unfortunately, he was fresh out of brownies, milk and even little boys. Now he was facing a scared grown man, and had to depend on the tools he had at hand. Reaching out, he gently pulled Billy to him, and kissed him soundly on the lips.
I hope this is too disjuncted. It's been a very long and emotional draining week, that has included, grades, an uncooperative and unsupportive vice-principal, an unexpected funeral that was very emotionally draining, that included a five hour round trip drive and getting hit by a car. (Not seriously injurred, Thank the Gods.") However, here is the next chapter in Dragonkin. I want to thak everyone for the kind feedback, and I hope I can live up to your expectations. A special thanks to my roommate and best friend, Kim aka here as Wolfkitten.
"Well, do you think this will do any good, or do you think maybe we've made things worse?" Trini asked, her arms crossed in front of her as if she were trying to hold herself. Behind her, Zack had both his arms wrapped around her, as if lending her his strength as Tommy came up to join them and Kim.
"We have to get them to do something. It's been too long since they've even talked as friends, much less as Bros' or something more," Zack replied.
Kim smiled, "Sometimes you have to badger Billy for a long time before you can get him to talk about his feelings. You know, he just bottles it up or throws himself into his work to avoid thinking about them, or do something about how he feels. This is at least a start."
"How'd you convince him to come talk to Jase?" Tommy asked.
"I didn't," Kim told him. "I just saw him heading this way, with that look he gets when he finally has had enough something." Kim told him. "I figured he'd finally decided to talk to Jase."
"In other words, they could be in there discussing the latest Spider-man movie," Zack teased.
Tommy shook his head, "I don't think so. Billy looked rather irritated at Jason when he came in."
"What were you doing there Bro?" Zack asked.
"Being nosey," Tommy replied
"And?..." Kim asked. "Did you get him to tell you what they were fighting about?"
"Yep," Tommy replied.
After a long moment of Kim bouncing as if expecting more, she asked, "And?..."
"Not my place to tell," Tommy smiled. "If they want you to know, they'll tell you."
"Let me guess," Zack smiled. "Billy never returned Jase's Uncanny X-Men Number 341?"
Tommy laughed, "No, nothing THAT serious." He grinned at Zack, "After all, that's the kind of thing that you shoot people over."
Zack grinned, "You got a point there."
Trini and Kim just looked at each other before Kim said, "Would you two grow up? This is serious."
Zack smiled at her, "So are we? Do you have any idea what happened in that issue?"
Kim put her hands on her hips, "No and I don't care."
"That's a critical story. Go look up it up." He continued.
Kim just stared at Tommy, "Seriously Tommy, at least tell us if what we've all suspected about their relationship is true."
"Sure," Tommy said. "As soon as you tell us, who it was you lost your virginity to."
Zack and Trini and looked at each other confused. If Tommy had asked something like that, then evidently his and Kim's original romance had taken some strange twists.
"Tommy!" Kim protested. "How dare you?"
"How dare you ask me to tell you something that Jason told me in confidence."
"All right, all right," she said. "I won't ask you again."
Tommy smiled, "Good. If you want to know, ask Jase or Billy, or better yet, both. After all, what you're asking involves both of them."
Kim stuck her tongue out at him and said, "You know, sometimes you're so noble it makes my hair hurt."
Zack seemed to stare off at the door to Jase's quarters for long moments, as if he were listening to something. Finally, he said resigned, "At least they're not shouting at each other."
Trini snorted, "As far as we can tell. After all, I get the feeling that these walls are pretty well sound proofed."
"Well, are we going to wait here all night to see if Billy comes out, or are we going to go back to our rooms and sleep?" Tommy asked.
The other three just looked at each other. Finally, Kim said, "Well, I don't know about you three, but I'm going to bed. It's been a long day, and I haven't seen that much of my husband lately."
"I think I'll join you," Tommy said.
All three turned and looked him in astonishment. Zack asked, "Don't you think you should discuss that with Adam first?"
Tommy just blushed, "You know what I mean. I think I'll turn in myself."
"We just wanted to make sure," Zack replied. "After all, you do have a certain reputation when it comes to Pink Rangers."
"Uh, guys," Kim said menacingly, "I AM right here. I can guarantee you, that any Pink Ranger he joins in bed tonight won't be this one."
Trini teased her old friend, "I don't know, I thought you and Kat may have decided to trade off for the night or something."
"No," Kim said. "Tommy's nice and all, but I don't think he can live up to my standards."
"Hey!" Tommy protested.
Kim just fixed him with a stare, "That's what you get for that question. Things said in private should stay there."
Tommy stared at her and said, "That was my point, Kim."
She looked down at her nails, "Yeah, but I'm the one who likes to make those kinds of points."
Tommy looked at Zack, "Did that make any sense to you?"
Zack looked over at Kim and asked, "If answer that truthfully, will you hut me?"
"Yes."
Zack smiled at Tommy, "Made perfect sense Bro."
Tommy looked at his old friend, "Coward."
"Maybe, but at least I haven't managed to tick off Kimberly. You do remember how good she is at getting even don't you."
Tommy stopped and considered what Zack said. A particular nasty memory of honey, sand, and his sunscreen came to mind. "Come to think of it; you're right." He looked at Kimberly, "I apologize Mrs. Park. I hadn't meant anything other than I was going to my OWN bed, and I wouldn't want anyone else to get the wrong idea."
Kim just smiled and turned on her heel. "Apology accepted," she said as she went down the hall.
*********************************************
Rocky's calm serene dream of fishing with Adam in the mountains was suddenly interrupted by a flash of light and blinding pain in his face quickly followed by the sounds of Aisha screaming, "No! No! No! No! Nooooooooo!"
Rocky sat bolt upright next to his flailing wife. Reaching out gently he shook her, "Wake up 'Sha, you're having a nightmare." Shaking her again, he repeated, "'Sha, Aisha, wake up."
Her chocolate brown eyes flew open, and Rocky could see the stark terror in them, as she fought against her dream-assailants. For long seconds she lay there beside him, trembling in fear, as she slowly, realized where she was, and who was beside her. Reaching up she gently touched her fingers to his lips and brought them away to reveal the blood from where she'd struck him in her sleep. "Rocky, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He could see the terror slowly turn to guilt in her eyes.
"Hey, don't worry about it, "Sha. I always enjoy being pummeled by a beautiful woman." He grinned down at her, "Don't tell my wife though, she's insanely jealous." Then with a child-like conspiratorial grin, he said, "Wait, on second thought, tell her. I love opportunities to show her how much I love her."
Rocky could see the fear and guilt slowly dissipate from her eyes as she grinned at his silliness. "You're incorrigible, you know that?" she said.
"Hey, I don't even know what that means." Rocky protested.
Snuggling in close to him, she said, "It means that I love you very much, Rocky." Sighing she added, "And that I'm a very lucky woman, to have you."
"Hey, what are Red Rangers for?" she smiled, purposefully calling up the memory of his color when they were on the same team.
"For rescuing damsels in distress?" she asked.
Giving her a slight bow- not an easy task while sitting in bed- he said, "That's me, the monkey of your dreams." Then with a more serious note he said, "You're upset about Billy not telling us he was in the Army." With the possible exception of Adam, the other Rangers would have been surprised at the depth of his insight. He knew that most of his friends considered him somewhat a goof-ball, but he also knew he could be quite perceptive at times. He figured, it came from all the siblings.
He felt her nod against his side. "Why didn't he tell us?"
Rocky shrugged, "I don't know. I've heard Trini described as being inscrutable, but I really think Billy is the one, who is. I mean, you never know what he's feeling." Pulling his wife closer to him he added, "I guess, he didn't want to disturb you with it."
"But why didn't he tell the others? I mean I may have my own irrational fears, but he didn't mention it to anyone for years. Before he ever even knew about my… uh…," she searched for a word vainly.
Rocky just shrugged, "I guess it's just the Cranston way." Then sighing deeply he shook his head, "I'm not really sure, but I think somebody hurt him pretty badly. He's always had something of a haunted look about him, and I know from talking to Kim, and Zack that his life has been one tragedy after another, and that his friendship with Jason and the others was one of the few bright spots in it. I guess that sort of makes him clam up and keep things to himself. If he doesn't share, then he doesn't have to worry about getting hurt again." He looked down at her, "Does that make sense?"
Aisha smiled up at him, "Oddly enough, yes."
"I know he didn't tell us out of any desire to hurt you 'Sha."
She smiled at him, "I know Rocky. It was just something of a shock."
He nodded as she snuggled against him closely, "Rocky?"
He leaned back against the pillow holding her in his arms gently- glad to have taken her mind off the nightmares. "Uh huh?" he replied.
He felt her hands begin to roam along his body, "I just thought of something else Red Rangers are good for." She pulled him over on top of her and kissed him rather seriously.
****************************************************************
"About what?" Billy asked keeping his voice neutral.
Jason fidgeted in his chair, 'I lied when I told you that I didn't care for you in "that way". He made little quotation marks with his hands. Finally, admitting that Billy after al these years was one of the most difficult things he'd ever done.
"Oh, then exactly what DID you mean by what you said?" Billy asked, his voice still neutral.
"I guess what I was trying to say at that time is that this scares the hell out of me, because then, I was just beginning to realize that I did care for you as more than just a Bro." Jason forced himself to look Billy in the eye as he answered. "I was scared, and I lied, and then ran. I'm sorry about that. I was just having trouble coming to grips with the idea of what that meant."
"And now?" Billy's voice remained analytical. Jason could hear resentment and hurt in the former Blue Ranger's tone.
"And now," Jason said, "My feelings haven't really changed- except maybe to become stronger. I just don't know how what to do about them." He tried to force some humor into the situation, hoping to defuse Billy's anger. "You see, I'm sort of stuck on this guy, and nobody I've ever been around can come to close to setting off this kind of feeling in me." Billy stood, and walked to the back of the room, seeming to study the patterns in the paneled walls. For long moments, he remained silent. "Billy, I didn't mean to hurt you. That was the last thing I'd ever want to do."
Billy sighed, and then finally said, "Jase you did. I won't lie to you. When you walked out that door, it was like a part of me died. I've only ever felt that low one other time in my life." Jason knew what Billy was talking about. He didn't normally discuss his mother's death, but Jason knew that it had been so painful that even to this day Billy found it hard to talk about her. Not because he didn't love her, but because he'd loved her so much that the thought of all these years without her, still caused him pain. The idea that Jason had hurt Billy that deeply was like knife in his own soul.
"Billy, I'm sorry." Jason said. "I know that's not enough, but I don't know what else I can do." He felt his own tears rising in eyes, "I wasn't ready for it yet. I didn't understand it, and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me. It scared me more than anything in this world ever has. Not only because I found myself caring for another guy like that, but because it was you, because you obviously cared about me that way too, and I hadn't come to grips with it yet. It was so much so fast, that I needed time to think."
"Jason," Billy still didn't turn to face him, "Did you think I wouldn't have given you time. I would have given you all of eternity, just to know that there was a chance." Billy's voice was low, and deep with emotion. "But you told me there was NO chance." He shook his head, and Jason could see his shoulders begin to shake with repressed sobs. Finally turning, Jason could see the conflict in his oldest friend's face, "You left me Jase. I could have handled being just friends, but you took yourself completely out of my life. You left me just like…" Billy brought himself up short.
He didn't have to finish the sentence though. Jason knew what he meant. He'd left Billy just like his mother had. "Billy, I'm sorry. I won't leave you now." He looked down, "Not unless you want me to."
"I don't know Jase," Billy told him. "It's taken me a long time to get where I can trust anyone again." He crossed his arms, "What do you want from me Jase? Friendship? Loyalty? Love? Sex?"
Jason found himself shocked by the last suggestion. Did Billy think that he would really use him that way? He felt his anger boil at the suggestion. There was no way he'd ever use his friends like that. He started to tell Billy just what he thought of that implication when a tiny voice in the back of his head said, It's a fair question. YOU walked out on him. Now you come back and tell him you lied and that you really do care about him after all. You can't have it both way's Jason: you hurt him, now you've got to prove that you do love him. He took a deep breath and thought about it, before relying, "I want my Billy back, I want my Little Bro. I've never doubted our friendship and your loyalty, that has always been the rock solid constant of my life. Love? that's more than I dare ask for. Sex? Not without the love," he told him. "I've had enough of that for a lifetime."
Billy smiled at him, looked down, and studied his boots. He'd been hurt by Jason before, and he didn't want to hurt like that again. However, another small part of his brain kept saying, This is Jase. He won't hurt you.
He mentally told the voice, But he already did once.
But, he wasn't ready to deal with that just yet. You can't expect him to come to grips with what this meant back then in one easy night. Each person deals with it in their own time. Aloud, he said to Jason, "Jason, I honestly don't know. I know what I want, but now I'm scared- not that I'm gay. I came to grips with that a long time ago. I'm scared to let myself care about you like that again." He looked up, "How do I know you won't suddenly decide this just a phase and that you've worked your way through it? That you're just experimenting?"
Jason got the feeling that that might have happened to him in the past. He sighed, walked over and put a hand on Billy's shoulder. With the other, he gently forced Billy's chin up to look at him, "Look, I know what I am Billy. I've dealt with that." He decided that if he was going to win Billy's trust, he would have to be completely honest with him. He told him the truth, "I know what I want. I know what I've had. I won't lie to you. I've been with other men before- and women- not many, but enough to know what I like and don't like. The only thing is that without fail, there was always something missing from the relationship. It took me a while to realize that what was missing was you. You were missing from my life. If I can't have the kind of relationship with you that I want, I'll settle for friendship. It doesn't matter if we're twenty-two back then or closing in on thirty now, what I'm missing, what I want is you." Billy just stood there quietly looking at him. Jason sighed and added, "Look, it may not work out, but at least we can say we gave it a shot, and part as friends. But, something inside me says that it will- that this is right."
"What about our careers? They may have repealed DADT, but the brass still doesn't like the idea of same gender relationships in the ranks."
Jason put his hands on his side. He'd hadn't had to work this hard at convincing Billy he was sincere since that first day they'd met so long ago. Then brownies and milk had helped calm the scared little boy. Unfortunately, he was fresh out of brownies, milk and even little boys. Now he was facing a scared grown man, and had to depend on the tools he had at hand. Reaching out, he gently pulled Billy to him, and kissed him soundly on the lips.
