Notes from Columbine Purple

First of all, thanks for getting through a long and confusing hall. Not to mention depressing. ^_^;;;

When I started this, it was mostly a practicing exercise. I wanted to write in a new style that I still couldn't get the hang of, and this is what turned out-- a dreamy, awkward sort of style that paid little attention to action, mostly to subtle implication. The entire thing's full of symbolic bullshit. *coughs* Eheh. Two o'clock in the morning piece again, trust me.

Well, here's some stuff that I wanted to clear up (just in case):

--- The entire fic switches between Jalil's memories/dreams and to the present, where Christopher was caught in a small skirmish with the Sennites and/or Hetwan. Mostly it's a reflection of Jalil's grieving stages, as he discovers things he had only glimpsed in himself previously.

--- The first dream, with Kid!Jalil and the kitty? Mostly to get a kitty response in there. ^^;; But Jalil's very young at the time-- did I say how young?-- and I wanted his first reaction to death. Which was ignorance. That's how it always is for the young, and even Jalil, as serious as he is, I think, would not understand it at first. As for those who wonder what a little kid was doing wandering aimlessly around? His preschool was only a few blocks away, and on Tuesdays Mom couldn't make it. It's a safe enough neighborhood-- we've seen it in the books-- and I think it was fine.

--- At first, I think Jalil would rationalize death. But being faced with someone he's grown to know intimately as a friend, I think that'd be something new for him to face. At first, it seems like he can't get a grip on it. Then it progresses to denial, then to guilt, and to true grieving. In the end, he's just lost. I guess that was where I wanted to show the reality of grieving-- it doesn't always just "get better" in the world.

--- All of Jalil's memories are combined with a dream sequence-- some of it's real, some of it's not. His discussion with Christopher is completely real, although he noticed more details in it.

--- The short memory, when Jalil's making ripples in the water… I focused slightly on the idea that he enjoyed creating pathways for himself, different choices and instances. It's mostly symbolic of the later "parallel universe" thing. Whatever.

--- The old woman? Could be anyone. I purposefully made her so she resembled Etain, an older and wiser version. This can be taken in many ways. Does Etain exist in the real world? Was it just a mirage of Jalil's mind? Coincidence? Pick your own conclusions. She can be seen as a real person, a goddess, anything really.

--- The SLASH. *smirks* Been waiting for this. Does Jalil know how deeply he cares about Christopher? No way. Not until near the ending of the story, and even then not completely, does he get a glimpse of what he feels. From the flashback scene with the "seven washings" and the mirror, we see that his homosexuality has been hinted at, but he's only calling himself names because of the implication. Not because he knows he IS attracted to Jack Whats-His-Name. Even in the end, Jalil remains confused and rebuking of what's starting to show inside of himself-- his attraction for Christopher finally ventures forth in the light of his passing, leaving him lost and bedridden of the choice to explore his love. Perhaps that's the REAL tragedy.

--- The SLASHY LIME scene! *squeals* Wasn't that fun? Really, it was the inner-gayness of Jalil manifesting itself. Mwahahaa. No, just kidding. Really, I mostly wanted a scene where Jalil subconsciously admits to himself that he's attracted to Christopher… but at the moment? All he wants is for him to stay. It's a word play, a twist on meanings, a inner desire to not just have the physical aspects. Go for it. And it was sexy, admit it. Heh.

--- In the end, it all comes down to choices. The choices everyone chooses to make. What April chose to do, how David chose to deal with it, how Etain chose to either let go or hold on. How Jalil has many choices, and he makes many of them, and they're neither right or wrong. Should he have given into a hope, however irrational? Was it compassion? Was it ultimately more tragic for him, or would having the decision cleanse him slightly-- because he DOES need that decision. What were the things he did that were right, and which were morally wrong? Are any?

--- The twenty year old Jalil. Okay. This is dipping into the parallel universe thing, sorry to confuse everyone. I always wondered what'd happen if they remained in the real world that day. So let's say everything branches off. Jalil is seeing himself in a limbo where he's got this life, and then the life he's got in Everworld. Despite this, he's not given a choice… because how could you possibly choose that? But we get a glimpse of a happier, mysterious lifestyle. Was the mysterious "him" Christopher? That guy, Jack? Anyone else? His dad, even, not some lover? That's up to you to decide.

--- The acorns. Acorns represent immortality, a Nordic meaning given to them. Earlier, Jalil expresses a desire to live under acorn trees with the cat that should have died. This represents his secret desire to not die, I guess, if you want to put it that way. No matter how human we are, we rarely TRULY want to die. Later, Jalil also has references to his godlike nature, and his obsession with acorns and immortality. At the end of the fic, when he tells Etain that no one is immortal, he's finally letting go of this sentiment. Finally realizing, in the inner part of himself that wouldn't give up, he doesn't want that. Go figure. Take what you can of it, I guess. It's confusing, huh?

--- The ending: Okay, I had misgivings about the ending. I added an ending dream scene with Christopher to end my own guilt. ^^;;; Eheh. And then resisted adding another scene to make myself feel better. I don't like the ending. But it's reality, and it's sad and true, and well… yeah. Not closure, but something. Something to tell you that, yes, Jalil will wake up and life will go on. He may not want it to, but it will. Again, this is his choice: do you let it, or not? His reaction's also up to you. I did a lot of "up to you" stuff in this fic, which is also part of the new style.

Okay, just wanted to clear up some confusing crap. Whew. I'm exhausted. X_x Hell. Hope you liked it, as sappy and stupid and OOC and depressing as it was. Gah. Okay. Bedtime.

*snuggles* Sankyuu, Everyone!

... I am never writing one of these again. Whew. x_x Back to the old style for me, thank you...

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