AN: Thanx again for the reviews. Hope you enjoy this chapter, hope it explains a few things. I had to branch out my soundtrack to include the original inspiration "On and On" by Jack Johnson as well as the new Third Eye Blind Album "Out of the Vein". I can i.d. the lyrics to songs if anyone wants them. Thanx to the reviewers, I found out I made up a new word in the last chapter: PARALYZATION. Sounded real good to me when I wrote it though, so I hope you guys can overlook it. What's writing without invention and creation of new ideas?

"…But a short time's just a long time then your mind just won't let it go…"

--jack johnson

"…Believe in me and this lie
Tell me everything will be all right
Cause it's so good to believe
But don't turn my hope into a weapon…"

--third eye blind


"Wes, hey, wait up," Xander calls, several days after his arrival in L.A. He has moved into the house on Sunset with her and because of Wes' questionable sanity, Wes stays there as well. The house has six bedrooms and four bathrooms so Fred and Angel have guestrooms that they stay in frequently after patrol. Wes has started training with Xander, Fred, and some of the people from Gunn's old gang.

Xander catches up with Wes at the top of the stairs leading from the basement training room.

Faith, Xander and Wes get along unbelievably well. Faith and Xander have a rapport like siblings, close and open. She is determined to help him deal with the loss of Anya and he, in return, is helping her deal with Robin's desertion. Wesley is becoming close with both of them, he can complete Faith's sentences and they work together like they fight, fluidly as one unit. Wes and Xander's relationship is developing into a great friendship. Xander hasn't had a 'real' male friend since Jesse, the first vampire he ever staked.

"Everything okay, Xander?" Wes asks, his eyes slightly glazed as he turns to face Xander.

"Yeah…" Xander hesitates, seeing a hint of madness in Wes' eyes that usually comes before he loses touch with reality.

"You're really coming along, Xander. I thought it'd take you a lot longer to compensate for your eyesight, but you're holding your own with the boys down there," Wes says.

"Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again. 7 years in Sunnydale and no one decided to teach me to fight…" Xander says, quietly.

"You're part of our team now," Wes replies. "We need all the help we can get…" His gaze drifts past Xander.

"Wes? You okay? You're looking a little shaky right now…" Xander says, steadying the swaying man.

"I need a drink…" Wes says, starting past the younger man.

"It's too early, Wes, remember?" Xander says, following him into the large sitting room. Fred and Faith are sitting on the couch drinking Gatorade after their workout. Xander and Faith know that Wes is still drinking a lot so they've been trying to convince him to stop.

"Never too early…Always too late…" Wes mutters, pouring himself a large glass of scotch from the decanter in the room.

Faith glances at Fred and both ladies stand up and approach Wesley.

"Where are you today, Wes?" Faith asks, quietly, trying to gauge Wes' mood.

"What? Faith, what the hell are you doing here?" Wes asks, his eyes clouded with confusion.

"I live here. Remember? Snap out of it, Wes. Come on, you were having such a good day!" Faith urges, hating to see the blank look in her friend's eyes.

"What?" Wes asks, still out of it. He forgets who he's talking to and turns away, drinking the whiskey down in a gulp.

"Xander, didn't he zone out earlier today? He doesn't usually do this twice in one day…" Fred asks, watching Wesley pour himself another drink.

"Yeah, he thought he was in Pylea or something…" Xander replies.

"Wesley. Look at me…" Faith goes to stand in front of Wesley, but his gaze looks through her.

"I'm very sorry that I couldn't make your funeral," Wes says, quietly, reaching out to touch Faith's face. Faith blanches.

"I was just out of the hospital when I heard," Wes continues. "I know I should have come to you…say my goodbyes but I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to England…I'm sorry…" Wes continues, sadly.

"Wesley…" Fred says, seeing Faith's stricken expression. Xander pulls Faith from Wes' line of sight.

"I never was a good brother to you…now I've lost my chance…" Wes mutters, wandering from the room.

"Wes has a sister?" Fred asks, surprised.

"Sounded like he 'had' a sister. Past tense," Faith whispers, still affected by Wes' mistaken identity.

Something shatters in the other room and the three rush after Wesley.

Wesley is standing at the foot of the stairs in the hallway, his eyes are clear and locked on his bloody hands. The glass he was carrying is lying in shards on the floor.

"I guess I spaced out again?" Wes asks, looking to his friends. "I'll just go get cleaned up," He says, walking toward the bathroom. Fred leaves for a moment to go get a dustpan to sweep up the glass.

"You think he's getting worse?" Faith asks them, quietly.

"I'll call Willow. See what she thinks. Maybe someone should go talk to him," Xander suggests.

"I guess…I'll go," Faith sighs, seeing Fred's worried expression.

"It'd probably be better. I'd get all flustered and you seem to be better at dealing with him when he puts on his 'brick wall Wes' face," Fred agrees.

Faith follows the blood trail toward the open bathroom door. Wes is pulling a shard of glass out of the palm of his hand, unflinching.

"Wes?"

"I'm here, Faith," Wes replies, his voice tired. He glances at her and sees the disturbed look on her face. "Did I say something to you? You look upset."

"You thought I was someone else. Do you have a sister?" Faith asks, quickly, never taking her eyes off his face.

Wes flinches for an instant but his face remains placid.

"You were talking to her. She's dead?" Faith asks.

"Yes. I'm sorry about that," Wes says, slowly. He returns his attention to the water where he is washing the blood from his hands.

"You need stitches," Faith notices, stepping into the bathroom.

"Bloody hospitals. I'll get one of the Wolfram and Hart techs to sew it up for me…" Wes replies, calmly.

"What's your problem, Wes?" Faith snaps, suddenly. "Ten minutes ago you were on top of everything, you were teaching those kids like a pro and then you bug the hell out, start talking to your dead sister and now you're acting like everything is fine! What's your fucking issue?"

Wes doesn't reply, he examines her with cool blue eyes.

"Well?" Faith demands, her anger growing at Wes' unresponsiveness.

Wes opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again, turning away.

"Wes," Faith calls, quieter.

"I'll have to think about that, Faith. I don't really have anything to say right now," He replies coolly.

"Goddammit, Wes!" She shoves him against the wall.

"As refreshing as physical violence may be for you, Faith, it isn't going to make me talk to you," Wes replies, his voice serious. Faith lets go, stepping back.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," Wes says, his face blank. He walks past her, his hands still dripping blood, and out of the house.

"Wes, wait…" Faith bolts after him and grabs his shoulder, spinning him around to face her.

"Faith. Take your fucking hands off me," He says, his voice low. She stands close to him, but removes her hand from his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you…" Faith apologizes.

"Then stop. If it upsets you this much, just stop," Wes shrugs, walking away from her again.

"No. Talk to me, Wes, I thought we were friends…" Faith says, following him to the street where his SUV is parked.

"We are. Or we were trying to be," Wes responds.

"So talk to me, Wes, what…"

Wes surprises Faith by balling up his bleeding fist and slamming it into the side of his truck, denting it, slightly. "Dammit, Faith, what do you want me to say? What's my issue? I'm losing my bloody mind that's my issue. I can't really describe what it's like to you, Faith, and I'm tired of worrying about it. Surprise, Faith, I don't have it all together, I've never had it all together and there's only so much that I can fucking handle. I'm sorry you're upset, I'm sorry that I have issues but I'm doing my motherfucking best to hold what I can together…" Wes snaps. In an instant, his face is blank again, his eyes cold. He unlocks the door to his SUV with his swelling hand and steps inside. "I'll be home later."

"Where are you going, Wes?" Faith asks before he slams the door.

"Out. I'll be back in time for patrol." He drives away.

Xander and Fred join Faith on the street.

"They say 'motherfucking' in England?" Fred asks, her face pale.

"You guys heard all that?" Faith whispers.

"Yeah. You were kind of…yelling at him in the bathroom…and then he said 'motherfucking' and…Fred's got a good question there. I'll have to ask Giles if he knows that word," Xander replies.

The three friends are silent.

"I think Wes had the right idea earlier. Let's get drunk. We don't have any apocalypses on the schedule, do we Fred?" Faith sighs. "Let's take the night off."

*****

Xander is entertaining Fred with tales of his Sunnydale dating career. Faith is stacking up the many empty beer cans from the two cases they have been working on all afternoon. Everyone is quite drunk.

"What the hell did I miss?" Angel's voice startles all three people. Faith's pyramid collapses.

"Damn, Angel, I worked really hard on that," Faith slurs.

"You're drunk…you're all drunk. Where's Wes?" Angel demands, surprised.

"I don't know, but he's probably drunk, too. You want a beer?" Fred offers.

"No thanks. Did something happen?"

"Wes went out. He's pissed off because Faith snapped on him. We're taking the night off," Xander explains, finishing the beer in his hand.

"We should go out. Take some shots," Fred suggests.

"No. You guys need to sober up and explain…" Angel protests.

"Xander just explained," Faith replies. "Come on, we deserve a night of drunken mayhem, don't we?"

"You don't know where Wes is?" Angel asks, seeing that the three people are too drunk to do anything else except continue drinking or passing out.

"Out. He said he'd be back before it was time for patrol," Faith replies.

"It's eleven, you guys. He's late. I'm going to look for him," Angel sighs, turning away.

"Wes is fine, he can take care of himself. You should just leave him be…" Faith calls, but Angel is already gone.

"Deadboy never knew how to have a good time," Xander remarks.

"Angel never has been one with the jollies," Fred agrees.

"So, Fred, we've been hanging out all this time and you haven't told us the scoop. Where's your boyfriend? Bald, black and beautiful?" Faith asks, staggering over and sitting in the floor in front of the couch where Xander and Fred are sitting.

"Gunn…he's still around. We don't see him that often. He's all weird now…" Fred hesitates.

"Weird how? Weird after the breakup?" Xander probes.

"No. We all took these jobs at Wolfram and Hart and he got all weird. His eyes are…"

"Weird?" Faith offers.

"Yeah. He's not the Gunn we used to know. He stays in the white room…that's this room where an evil little girl used to live that you can't reach without the special elevator code…anyway. We don't fully trust him anymore. He's all wise but we don't know where the wisdom came from," Fred explains.

"Weird…" Faith agrees, surprised.

"Do I smell beer? Gracious, I do! What are you kiddies getting into in here?" Lorne laughs, walking in with a drink in his hand.

"Lorne!" Fred, Faith and Xander yell in unison. "You here to drink with us?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" Lorne grins, settling in quickly with the drunken friends.

*****

Angel is surprised to find Wesley's SUV parked outside Wolfram and Hart. He inquires at the desk and the receptionist says that Wes is in a meeting. In the white room. Angel is immediately concerned. No one has spoken with Gunn for weeks now.

Angel manages to remember the code and reaches the white room. When he materializes in the room, no one is there.

"Gunn? Are you here?"

"Angel. Surprise," Gunn remarks, materializing in a leather armchair.

"Where's Wes?"

Gunn shakes his head. "I thought you were taking better care of your friends, Angel."

"Gunn. Is he here?" Angel asks, uncomfortable and increasingly concerned. Gunn nods and Angel sees Wesley sitting down a few feet away, a pensive look on his face.

"He can't hear you unless I want him to," Gunn says, slowly, standing up and walking over to Angel.

"What are you doing to him?" Angel demands.

"Nothing. It's quiet here. He doesn't have all that damage floating around in his head in here. He comes here to chill out. He's the only friend I have left," Gunn says, placidly.

"Gunn has friends. You're not Gunn," Angel replies.

"Did you ever wonder where he is, though? Is he okay? Is he alive? What happened to him, Angel?" Gunn asks, his eyes dead as he speaks. "Wes, he's a good man. He tries to hide it under all that angst, but he actually cares for people. He remembers everything, Angel and he keeps going. He comes to see me every day, after Cordelia, of course. We didn't get along for so long, but he still worries about what's happened to me."

"What has happened to you, Gunn?" Angel asks, guilt for abandoning his friend assaulting him.

"It's not your fault. I made a choice," Gunn shrugs. He returns his gaze to Wesley. "He's getting worse. He actually believes that he's losing his mind."

"Isn't he?" Angel questions.

"Probably. He's still fighting, though, Angel. Taking care of the boy and the girl, it's helping him. He trusts them more than he's trusted anyone in a long time." Gunn turns to Angel. "He trusts you, too, Angel. He's not going to ask you for help but if you're his friend…he shouldn't have to." Gunn disappears. Angel walks over to Wes.

"Wes?" Angel reaches out to try and stir the ex-watcher.

Wes flinches when he hears his name. "Angel? What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. Let's go home," Angel says, reaching out his hand to help Wes off the floor. Then he smells the blood. Wes doesn't accept his offered hand and pushes himself upright with his damaged hands.

"I need to get cleaned up. Goodbye, Gunn," Wes calls, and they find themselves in the elevator.

"You had a bad day?" Angel asks, quietly, still pondering Gunn's words.

"Nothing more than usual. Cut my hands on a glass," Wes remarks.

"Will you hit me if I ask if you're okay?" Angel asks, quietly.

"No. I'm fine. How's Faith? I think I was a little hard on her," Wes replies.

"Drunk. Fred, Faith and Xander are drunk," Angel answers.

"Good. They deserve a little down time," Wes nods. He glances at Angel. "Why are you here, Angel?"

"I was worried about you," Angel answers after a beat.

"Really. Why the sudden concern?" Wes asks.

"Because I don't believe you, either. You're wearing the same indifferent mask that I invented. But it's getting to you," Angel says.

"You're right, I'm sure," Wes replies. "But if you are, then you know that I can't just let it go. The façade, or whatever, it serves its purpose well. Now. Are you going to make me go home to that house of drunken youngsters or am I free to go?" They step off the elevator into the nearly deserted lobby of the law firm.

"Where are you going?"

"To my other apartment. Follow me if you want, I just…I don't really feel like facing the others right now," Wes admits. Exhaustion flashes on his face for a moment, but it's gone too fast for Angel to believe it.

"Okay. I trust you, Wes. Get some sleep," Angel nods.

"I'll try," Wes responds. He turns to leave.

"You visit Gunn every day, Wes?" Angel asks, catching up to the Englishman.

"I try to," Wes answers, quietly.

"And Cordelia," Angel adds.

"Yes," Wes says.

"And you never said anything…" Angel starts.

"Why would I? I don't want to guilt trip you or the others. I just…" Wes doesn't meet the vampire's eyes. "I know what it's like to feel abandoned. Cordelia…she doesn't deserve that. Gunn doesn't either. No matter what they are now, what they've become…I won't believe we've lost them." He turns, leaving Angel stunned. "I'll see you tomorrow."

*****

Days later:

Wesley blocks three vamps attacking him from all sides while Faith flies through the air with the battleaxe, going for the huge green demon's head.

"Down!" Xander yells and Wes ducks, letting Xander's swords slice off two of the vampires' heads. Wes stakes the last one, both men out of breath.

"Xander, I've got the next wave, go help Faith!" Wes yells, swinging up a crossbow with one hand as four more vampires charge.

Faith is hacking at the demon with the axe. Xander takes advantage of the distraction and shoves his sword into the back of the demon's head. It falls dead.

"Sweet, Xander. Nice one," Faith grins.

"Thanks. Shit, Wes…" Xander remembers him suddenly.

Faith and Xander turn and see three piles of dust and a huge vampire holding Wesley against the wall by his throat. Wes is gasping for breath but before Faith and Xander can get to him, Wes' arm comes up and punches the vamp in the face, stunning it into releasing him. Wes starts to attack the vamp viciously, until he is crouched over the vampire's bloody body, pounding his fist into its face. He doesn't stake it, he just keeps hitting it.

"Wes!" Faith calls, as Angel and Fred rush up, breathless.

"Wes, man, chill…" Xander attempts.

Wes continues to pound the vampire. Faith and Angel manage to restrain Wesley long enough for Fred and Xander to mercifully stake the vampire. Finally, Wes stops struggling.

"Wesley? Are you okay?" Faith asks, quietly, worried about her friend. They were warned that Lilah's spellcasting would have residual effects, such as temporary lapses of 'sanity', but Wes' rage has startled her. She realizes why he is so frightened of his dark side.

Wes doesn't reply. He is trembling and his blue eyes are blank.

"Wes. Look at me." Faith shakes him, looking into his eyes.

They clear suddenly. "What?"

"Are you back with us?" Angel asks.

"Where else would I be?" Wes shakes off their hands, shuddering. His hands are bloody.

"Okay then. Mission accomplished. Let's go home." Xander breaks the tense silence, putting an arm around Fred and starting from the alley.

"I'm…I'm going to take a walk…" Wes mutters, turning away from Angel and Faith. Angel sighs, but follows Xander and Fred toward the street.

"Wes. Wait up," Faith calls, after a beat, running to catch up.

"I don't need a babysitter, Faith," Wes says, tiredly.

"I know. But I'm worried. So we take care of each other, right?" Faith asks, knowing that Wes will respond to her argument.

Wes sighs. "Okay."

Faith hears something after they walk several minutes in silence. Wes senses her tension and glances around.

"Who's back there?" Faith bolts behind a dumpster and Wes reacts instinctively and takes the opposite side. Wes catches the fleeing man by the arm, swinging him around to face him and Faith.

Faith grabs his free arm. "What are you doing back here, you should be at a shelter or…" She glances down and sees a metal hook where his hand should be. "Whoa."

Wes is staring at the man. His hair is shaggy, curtaining his thickly bearded face. Wes however, is looking at his eyes.

"Hey, bum, what are you looking at?" Faith says, disturbed by the intensity of the men's stare.

"Got rid of the evil hand, I see," Wes says quietly.

"You know this guys?" Faith asks. "Wes?"

"Call Angel. Now," Wes replies.

"I see you guys haven't been doing so well. Ended world peace…" The man says, his voice hoarse. Faith is speaking into her phone.

"I hear you've found your dark side, Mr. Wyndham-Pryce. I was really surprised to hear about you and Lilah…"

Before Faith can react, Wes has the man pinned against the wall with a knife to his throat.

"Wes. Chill. Angel's on his way," Faith urges, worried.

Wes is shaking but he doesn't loosen his grip. "What else do you have to say?"

"I'm all done, man. Sorry…"

"What is it?" Angel appears out of the shadows.

"We found this guy…" Faith points.

Angel stops beside Wesley. "Let him down, Wes."

Wes hesitates but releases the man. He takes a step back beside Faith.

"I thought you left town for good. Why are you back?" Angel asks.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"Your friend. She doesn't have the visions anymore. Coma, right?"

"Get to the point, Lindsey," Angel growls.

Faith recognizes the ex-lawyer now. Thinner, more scarred and hairier, but still Lindsey McDonald.