She realized he was speaking and turned to him, not saying a word. "…damn foolish! What in the hell were you thinking?"
She raised her eyes to meet his furiously blazing black ones. "Please, sir," she said, the words rasping oddly, "I only wanted to help…"
"Do you realize that had that happened at a less opportune time you'd have gotten both of us killed? That you deceived me into jeopardizing the safety of one of my own students?"
"Yes, sir." She bit her lip and decided to have out with it. There was no use holding it back. "I--I thought that this was my chance to be more than 'that ugly Mudblood Granger' or 'that bitch that broke the grade curve'. I wanted to prove that I could do something…" She swallowed hard.
"Damn Gryffindors," he swore, stalking over to her and roughly thrusting a mug of hot tea in her hands. "Drink it. You're not getting away from this by freezing to death," he said grimly. "You wanted some glory. That's it. Much as you decry us, at least a Slytherin would be honest about that ambition instead of trying to make it seem altruistic like you noble," here he sneered, "Gryffindors. So please, Miss Granger, no games. Admit it. You wanted glory, correct?"
"Yes," she admitted faintly, feeling warm again from the tea and the fire.
"You stupid girl! What the hell did you think spying was? What do you think Death Eater meetings entailed--milling around reading bits of awful, twee poetry we wrote?" he snapped. In other circumstances she might have laughed at that idea. She noticed he included himself as a Death Eater still. Has he ever forgiven himself? she wondered dully. "Don't you realize--damn you, Granger! The last spy Voldemort caught was sent to her father in pieces a week later! You'll never earn glory as a spy, but you're very likely to earn an awful death." He paused for a moment.
"I saw it," he went on in almost a trance. "There was no time to call for you or Tosca--she was out hunting, and of course I did not know where to find you. Do you realize how powerless you are as a spy, Miss Granger?" Here he paced the room almost nervously, perhaps from the recollection. His voice lowered to a near whisper. "You may only observe--never act. You must weigh your actions--let the victims they've captured die so that you will not be killed in a foolhardy and futile attempt to save them, so that the information to save other lives is still open to you. But it tears at you no less to sit there so powerless, able only to report who they were, if they died well, how much they betrayed…" He sighed. "You play God, Miss Granger, in deciding who must be sacrificed for the good of all, and that is an assuredly heavy and awkward burden." His eyes met hers, looking almost gentle for a moment. "But you know that now, don't you?" he asked quietly.
She nodded slowly. "But sir," she said, her voice slowly gaining strength, "I--I know how it is now. I'll be prepared for the next time."
"There will be no next time!" The eyes turned to blazing fury again. "You will not risk your life--"
Now she dared oppose him. "I have every bit as much right to risk my life to fight that--that monster as you!"
"I risk my life," he said slowly, "to pay a debt, Miss Granger. Not out of some misguided sentiment." Lies, she thought. He does this because he knows it's right. The debt was paid long ago for any mistakes he made. The fire burns every bit as bright in him, if not brighter; for he's seen the darkness, and knows it. It's not just a distant shadow to him.
"Sir," she pleaded, "I did well. You said so yourself…"
"That was before I knew you were an Animagus out of control! Good God, girl, how long have you been one?"
"Two months, sir. It--well, I just had never seen such a thing," she explained.
"You'd see much more, and worse," he said flatly, half-turning as if to hide some memory written openly across his face. "I do not think there is a level they would not sink to." She realized that even in attempting to discipline her, the habit cultivated in the laboratory and on missions of treating her more as an equal stayed with him. "That reminds me," he frowned. "Tosca!" he shouted. "If you're near, get in here!"
The white gyrfalcon lazily glided in the window. Evening, Sev, she said cheerfully.
"Tosca," he said, almost pleasantly. "Would you care to explain your little part in facilitating Miss Granger to act as a spy? She quite easily could have gotten us killed, so I am quite interested to know what you had to do with this!"
Tosca turned and saw her. Got caught, did you? she said with a sigh. Gryffindors don't know how to deceive worth a damn, I swear. Very well, Severus; I heard her bemoaning to that cat of hers how useless and lonely she was. Spying gave you a purpose, so I figured she was a bright enough girl to try the same. Made her find your notes, she took a copy of them--
"You did what!" Snape said, turning to Hermione.
"Somewhat Slytherin of me," she offered a feeble joke, "don't you think?"
Tosca continued. She found her way through, I taught her to act falcon-like, and she said she wanted to help you. I figured she'd be a much better partner than I would, and so I introduced her to you.
"Musetta," Snape said, with a wry twist of the lips. "Quite the misnomer."
She probably intended that, you lackwit, Tosca said dryly. All right, so the little passager has made a mistake; so did you in joining them years and years ago. Really, Severus, you need to learn to forgive and move on, especially for yourself. She's damn good; you said so yourself.
"I will not risk the life of a child under my care for some delusions of grandeur!" he said through gritted teeth.
"I am eighteen, Professor," she said, trying to gather a little dignity. "So I am hardly a child. I can make my own decisions."
"You are still a ward of this school, Miss Granger, and subject to its rules. I could have you expelled with ease. All I need do is visit the Headmaster." Her cheeks drained of blood as she considered whether he was serious. Perhaps he was.
"If so," she said, lifting her chin and trying to sound brave, "knowing I helped save lives is worth it."
"Gryffindors," he muttered, making it sound like a foul word.
"Sir, you think me capable of a complex Memory Erasing Potion. Why do you doubt that if I work on my skills, I could be an equally good spy? After all, drinking a failed potion to test it could as easily cost me my life as a failed mission," she said reasonably.
"A little less at stake with the potion," Snape said wryly. "This is not a game, Miss Granger. It is very real, very foul, and very dangerous."
"And I know that now. I know what they're capable of. I--didn't know before. I thought you only…killed the enemy, not…"
Rather like you in that aspect, hmm? Tosca nearly purred. You didn't think they did that sort of thing either when you first knew them, did you, Severus? Something within her was relieved to hear that. Did that mean he hadn't committed such atrocities? He had killed. That she was certain of. But perhaps he hadn't done such things as she had witnessed.
"Enough, Tosca," he said warningly.
"Sir?" she asked quietly. "What will happen to Draco? He didn't look like he wanted to…but he did."
"That will be between Mister Malfoy and myself," he replied with a dismissive tone. "You are not to mention it to him."
She decided to use another gambit. "If you go spying, I swear I will fly after you," she said grimly. "You need a partner, and I know Tosca will not do it any longer." Tosca nodded. "My motives were foolish, but I genuinely wanted to lend aid. Why should Harry be the only young person capable of anything in this war?"
"You have not seen the worst, and if you cracked at that, I cannot trust you to maintain yourself in even darker situations."
She took a deep breath and gave him a challenging look. Gryffindor courage, Granger, she thought. "Then show me the worst, Severus." She unconsciously called him by his first name, as she was used to it from her masquerade as Musetta. "Show me the worst," she repeated, her gaze not wavering from his, "and if I can handle it, you'll keep me on and teach me so that I am capable. If I crack," she swallowed hard, "you'll go straight to Dumbledore. Is that agreed?"
"Miss Granger…"
"Come now, you Slytherins are fond of bargains. Either way, you win. You either retain the partner you need or you remove me as a risk entirely," she said, rising to her feet, feeling bolder by the moment. "Show me."
Brown eyes bored into his with no hint of retreat. It was the most insane thing he had ever heard, and somehow also the most sensible. Once again he thought with regret she'd have made a fine Slytherin. "Very well," he said smoothly. One glimpse of the things Death Eaters were capable of would have her shouting and running. He had no intention of going to Dumbledore. She had punished herself quite well enough by knowing the danger she had put them in, and seeing what she had.
With a resigned sigh, he performed a Summoning Charm, catching the Hypnos Potion as it came flying towards him. After ordering her to drink some, and taking a few swigs of the fiery stuff himself, he reached for her hand. He would not use a Pensieve so that she could accuse him of editing or omitting memories. She gave him a puzzled look as he took her hand in his, noticing idly the calluses of Potions work. She's not screaming at me touching her at least, he noticed with something close to relief. After what had happened, he would not be surprised if she automatically assumed he had been involved in such activities. Tosca's running interjections had dispelled that notion; at least.
He thought of Draco Malfoy for a moment. The boy had done something terrible, indeed, but so too had he when he was little more than a boy. And Malfoy obviously had no taste for a Death Eater's games. Perhaps he was redeemable still. He somehow hoped Draco would seek him out, because he could hardly talk to the boy without revealing his spying role and possibly betraying himself into Voldemort's hands if Draco had no intent of reform. Still, that could be dealt with later; but he had the feeling that Dumbledore had gained a powerful ally in Draco Malfoy this night.
"Sir?" she asked softly, and he stupidly realized he was still holding her hand in his. Feeling a slight flush in his cheeks of embarrassment, he brought her hand to his forehead and murmured the words of the Binding Spell. Combined with the Hypnos Potion, this would allow her to see into his mind and find the memories. Foolishness, he thought again, just as he felt the odd flowing sensation of the Mind-Meld.
