Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 2

Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author

EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com

Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.

Spoilers: Anything goes

Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful

incarnations of the Scooby Gang have been gathered to

battle the Ultimate Evil. But first, they have to get

along with each other.

Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their

owners who I'm too lazy to list.

"Oops?" Cordelia echoed. "What do you mean, 'oops'?"

"Well, um, I'm kinda new at this y'know," Dawn began to

explain.

"Dawn, what did you do?"

"I just... misplaced them," Dawn told her.

"Misplaced them?" Cordelia yelped.

"Don't worry, I'll fix it right now."

"Wait, we've already used up our Deus Ex Machina," the

junior Power cautioned the Key. "Doing any more will give

the Bad Guys a freebie."

"Is this freebie limited by scale?" Dawn asked. "Y'know,

I do a big thing, they do a big thing? Or I do a small

thing and they get to do a small thing?"

"I don't know." Cordelia thought about that for a moment.

"Hmm, everything I've seen and heard seems to support the

idea."

"Cool. Then I just need to do a little itty bitty thing

to fix this," Dawn reassured her.

"Fine, but I don't think my bosses are going to be happy

with this," Cordelia agreed reluctantly. "What are you

going to do?"

"Well, first I gotta find out where I sent them."

Cordelia just groaned, foreseeing this as not going well.

***

"Horrible? What do you mean horrible?" Daphne said

indignantly. "I'll have you know that purple is a royal

color."

"In my experience," the Daphne look-a-like - she said her

name was Buffy - retorted, "royalty is royally overrated.

And that look is sooo sixties anyway."

"Oh, and the white skin-tight leather from neck to toe

is really classy, right?" Daphne replied, giving Buffy a

skeptical eye up and down to emphasize her point. "You

look like a complete skank. Am I right, Freddie?

Freddie?"

Freddie had tuned out the fashion argument, which he

found completely yawn-worthy. Instead, his entire

attention was taken up admiring how Buffy's outfit seemed

to show off every curve of her body without displaying a

square inch of skin. He wondered what Daphne would look

like in...

"FREDDIE!"

Freddie attention snapped back to the present. He found

himself with an irate Daphne glaring at him.

"Freddie, what are you..." Daphne began.

Freddie was saved by a pair of familiar screams. An

instant later, Shaggy and Scooby came racing around a

corner behind Buffy towards them. They came to a

screeching stop when Buffy spun to face them, her axe

held at the ready. Freddie found it odd that he had

forgotten that she was carrying the thing, especially

considering that she had been holding it in one hand the

entire time since she had appeared.

"Whoa, Daph! It's us!" Shaggy exclaimed to Buffy. Then he

spotted Daphne over Buffy's shoulder. "Uh, Daphne, why

are there two of you?"

"Hey! I'm Daphne," Daphne told him. "That's Buffy."

"Hey," Buffy greeted, taking her axe from the ready

position and resting it's head on her shoulder.

"What's going on, guys?" Freddie asked. Given all the

screaming they were doing, he already had a fair idea,

but he had to ask anyway. "What was all the screaming

about?"

"We ran into the Ghost!" Shaggy said.

"Reah! The Rhost!" Scooby echoed.

"The Rhost, I mean Ghost?" Buffy repeated. She perked up,

seemingly interested. "What Ghost?"

"Like, the Ghost of El Rapier!" Shaggy explained, "He's

right behind us." As if to prove his point, spooky

moaining filled the corridor they were in. A glowing

figure wielding a sword stepped around the same corner

that Shaggy and Scooby came from.

Freddie felt a chill. Rationally, he knew that this guy

was probably just another crook in a mask. But

undermining rationality was that there were a couple

occaisions where he and the gang had run into genuine

spooks.

If nothing else, that sword looked really sharp.

"Ooooooh, leave mortals," the Ghost of El Rapier moaned,

"or prepare to face eternal da..."

"I'm so not impressed," Buffy interupted. Barging her

way past Shaggy and Scooby, she approached El Rapier. "Is

this Zorro wannabe supposed to be scary?"

El Rapier waved his luminescent sword at Buffy as she

stalked - there was no other description for it - toward

him. "Beware, mortal, the blade of El Rapier!"

In a blur of motion, Buffy replied with a one-handed

swing of her axe. El Rapier's blade fell to the floor,

severed neatly at the hilt.

"I will make your torment eternal!" El Rapier moaned. He

might have sounded more impressive if he didn't sound so

nervous, or wasn't backing away from Buffy.

"Ha! I'd like to see you try," Buffy taunted back.

As if in reply, there was a brilliant green flash and

Buffy was suddenly gone. The Scooby gang's response was

understandable.

"YOINKS!" They ran.

***

"That's your 'little thing'?" Cordelia asked.

"Hey, hey, I'm still working on it," Dawn said quickly.

"At least I'm getting better at this."

"The other Powers are sooo going to kill me."

***

"Okay, I think we lost them," Willow said to Alice.

"How can you be sure?" Alice asked. "This place twists

and turns about so. It makes no sense." She sounded

amazingly like Buffy did during that Halloween night when

they all turned into their costumes, complete with bad

English accent. Of course, that shouldn't have surprised

Willow since Alice looked like Buffy, too.

"Now that's not true," Willow disagreed. "Now admittedly

the rules of this world are way different from the one we

came from, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. To

figure them out, be observant and sees what works and

what doesn't."

"Have you figured out what these rules are?" Alice asked.

"Um, no," Willow admitted. This world was monkeying with

her magical senses. The few bits of Lewis Carrol that she

could remember was barely helping.

"Hmph!" Alice folded her arms and looked all haughty.

Any reply Willow might have made was put on hold by a

brilliant green flash. Suddenly, Willow was looking at

two Alices. Or was that two Buffies? The newcomer was

dressed head to toe in white skin-tight leather and

carrying the Scythe.

The newcomer took one look at Alice and groaned. "Aw, not

again!"

"Buffy?" Willow said.

"Willow?" the newcomer replied, her head turning to

Willow. That was all the confirmation Willow needed.

"You're alive!" they exclaimed at the same time and fell

into each others' arms.

"What's with the hair and hospital gown?" Buffy asked

after a moment.

"Oh, I got these after blowing up Sunnydale," Willow told

her friend.

"After you what?" Buffy replied, baffled. "Sunnydale was

still there last I looked."

"Making sense indeed," Alice sniffed. "I'm better off on

my own." Unnoticed by the reunited friends, she wandered

off on her own.

***

"I'm not sure if that helps," Cordelia said.

"I know what I'm doing," Dawn reassured her. "Trust me on

this."

"Like I got a choice?"

***

"So... what do we know about our guest?" General Jack

O'Neil, CO of Stargate Command, asked. He was seated at

the head of table in the SGC's briefing room. Seated

around the table was SG-1, or SG-1b as he liked to think

of it since Carter had taken it over. On the briefing

room table was a surprisingly huge array of weapons and

gadgetry that their "guest" had hidden on his person.

"Sir, I think Lieutenant Harris should answer that,"

Carter replied. "Since our guest is his duplicate after

all, I had him interview our guest."

"Harris?" O'Neil prompted.

"Well, sir, he's a handsome guy who has some funny ideas

about which service is better," Harris groused. "He

claimed that I should have gone with Marines or Army

instead of the - and I quote - 'namby pamby' Air Force.

Considering he never joined up himse... OW!"

That last came from Lieutenant Emily Francisco kicking

Harris under the table. O'Neil decided to ignore it.

Harris was too much like himself as it was. "Get to the

point, Harris," O'Neil prodded.

"Yes, sir," Harris winced. His Tectonese squad member

must have kicked him pretty hard. "As near as we can

tell, he's from a parallel reality."

"Oh, one of those," O'Neil groaned. "Lemme guess... his

world's been over run by the Goa'uld and he's here to

warn us of impending doom. Am I right?"

"Actually, no sir," Harris replied. "Our guest has never

heard of the Goa'uld, his world is just fine, and he has

no idea how he wound up here."

"Well, that's a change," O'Neil said relieved.

"Although he did mention that in his world," Harris

continued, "my... his hometown of Sunnydale had fallen

into the world's biggest pothole. I'm glad that hasn't

happened here."

O'Neil's face suddenly froze as he remembered a bit of

news he saw while SG-1 had been offworld. Until now, he

hadn't made the connection. And SG-1 hadn't had a chance

yet to catch up on the news...

"Sir? Is something wrong?" Carter asked, concerned.

***

"Hey, I found Xander," Cordelia announced.

"That's great," Dawn replied absently, busy with another

task. "Hold on a sec."

"What are you doing?"

"Recruiting."

"Recuiting who? There are only supposed to be three of

them," Cordelia looked at what Dawn was doing. "Him? Why

him?"

"What, it's not obvious?"

***

"You're not my Buffy."

"And you're not my Willow."

"Wow, this is depressing," Willow sighed. It took some

note comparing, but they figured out pretty quickly that

they weren't quite from the same universe. That meant all

their friends were still dead including their versions of

each other.

"Tell me about it," Buffy agreed.

"Okay," Willow said. "What appears to have happened is

that our timelines diverged after I came back from the

Dark Side. It's not like we haven't met people from

divergent timelines before. There was the vamp me."

"Is that possible?" Buffy mused. "I always thought that

time was linear. Linear like a ball of yarn maybe, but

still linear. Things like your vampire double I just

chalked up Wish-induced detours. Heck, I just escaped

from a twenty thousand year long time loop."

"Twenty thousand years?" Willow echoed in confusion.

"Well, it's kind of hard to put an exact date on things,"

Buffy began. Seeing that Willow's confusion was not

alleviated, Buffy sighed. "I suppose I should start at

the..."

Buffy was interupted by wooping noise. As they watched,

a phone booth with blacked out windows appeared in front

of them. Smoke was emanating from various nooks and

crannies.

"Funny, I don't recall Lewis Carrol ever mentioning any

cheshire phone booths," Willow commented.

The door of the phone booth opened and a coughing figure

stumbled out. "Oh dear, oh dear," the man said, regarding

the smoking phone booth. He was immediately familiar.

"This will not do. Won't do at all." He took notice of

the two girls staring at him, "I say, young ladies,

perhaps you could help me. I am..."

"GILES?" Buffy and Willow chorused.

***

"You've got to be kidding," Cordelia said doubtfully.

"That's not even really Giles. ANY version of Giles."

"Hey, if it walks like Giles and talks like Giles and

acts like Giles..." Dawn shrugged. "Now, where's Xander?"

***

"I thought you might like to know that I made a few phone

calls," Harris told his double. "Willow and the others

are just fine, even if Sunnydale has still turned into a

giant pothole."

"I'm glad for you," Xander replied. He flicked a piece of

his lunch at Harris. It hit one of the lasers criss-

crossing his cell bars and was promptly annihilated. "Can

I get out now?"

"The General says I can let you out," Harris replied as

he shut off the lasers. "You'll still be restricted to a

couple levels here, though."

"Fine. Can I get my stuff back?"

"You mean your portable armory?" Harris snorted as he

opened the cell door. "Don't push your luck. How'd you

get all that stuff under your coat anyway?"

"Call it a trade secret," Xander the immortal told his

mortal alternate as the former stepped out of the cell.

"By the way, who's your girlfriend?"

"Lieutenant Francisco is my teammate, not my girlfriend,"

Harris replied irratibly. "Why does everybody assume

that?"

"Because she's pretty, female, and not human?" Xander

suggested. "Not to mention the same rank you are."

"Harris, he has a point," Francisco said, speaking for

the first time. "You do seem to attract those types."

"Name one, Francisco," Harris challenged.

"Well, there was that one time with Osiris..."

"But not in front of the guy who doesn't have clearance,"

Harris added quickly, nodding to Xander.

"So... are you available?" Xander asked Francisco.

"Pardon?" Francisco asked in confusion.

"For a date I mean," Xander explained. "When this all

settles down, maybe we could go for a coffee together or

something."

"Oh, now wait a..." Harris began to interupt. Francisco

elbowed him. "Oof!"

"I might be available," Francisco said slowly. "But how

do I know you won't disappear into another dimension

again? You don't even know how you got here,"

"Hey, for all I know, I could be whisked home right now,"

Xander replied.

There was a lull in the conversation as if all three were

waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. After some

time, Harris finally broke the silence.

"Man, that usually works."

***

"Hey, you're not going to 'port Xander to the others?"

Cordelia asked in confusion.

"Nope." Dawn replied.

"Why not?"

"Just watch."

***

"So, if you're not Rupert Giles, who are you?" Buffy

asked slowly.

"I am a Time Lord called the Watcher," the Giles double

said.

"The Watcher," Buffy repeated. "Of course."

"You're a Time Lord?" Willow asked. "Like the Doctor?"

"Doctor who?" Buffy asked in confusion.

"Exactly," Willow said absently.

"Ah yes, the Doctor," the Watcher said bemused. "I take

it you've met my errant nephew?"

"Yes, he visited Sunnydale once," Willow told him.

"Hey, I never met any doctor!" Buffy said indignantly.

"Oh, I guess that's another divergence between your

timeline and mine," Willow soothed Buffy.

"I take it you young ladies are from parallel timelines?"

the Watcher inquired.

"Yeah, but we don't know how we got here," Willow told

the Time Lord. "Hey, since you're here, could you give

us a lift home in your TARDIS?" She patted the phone

booth's side.

"What's a Tardy? Turdee?" Buffy asked, still confused.

"Absolutely not!" the Watcher said indignantly, ignoring

Buffy.

"Why not?" Willow asked. "The Doctor takes passengers."

"Unlike the Doctor," the Watcher said slowly, as if to a

little child, "I do not take passengers. I do not

interfere. I watch, which is how I got my name."

"Oh..." Willow said, downcast.

"Besides," the Watcher continued. "My TARDIS was damaged

by a chance encounter with a filament of anti-dimensional

energy. It's not going anywhere."

***

"Um, oops?" Dawn repeated.