Title: The Ultimate Scooby Gang, Part 4

Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka the Evil Author

EMail Address: EvilAuthor@aol.com

Archive: Anywhere and everywhere. Just tell me if you do.

Spoilers: Anything goes

Summary: From across the multiverse, the most powerful incarnations of

the Scooby Gang have been gathered to battle the Ultimate Evil. But

first, they have to get along with each other.

Disclaimer: Characters and concepts belong to their owners who I'm too

lazy to list.

"Cordelia, we have to get Xander to them!"

"I know, I know! But we're way overdrawn on the deus ex machinas

as it is."

"So what do we do?"

"Let me think for minute, Dawn."

***

"Okay, Watcher, what are we up against?" Buffy asked. The three

of them strolled down a wide open street that led straight to the base of

the Eiffel Tower. They made no attempt to sneak at all. They had reached

a quick consensus that sneaking through the shadows would only slow them

down for no good reason. This way, they could at least see any attackers

come at them.

"A god," the Watcher said simply.

"Okay, a god," Willow repeated, nodding her head. "Not a problem,

we've fought a god before and won when we were less... talented than we

are now. Details would be kinda nice though."

"I'm not sure I should provide details," the Watcher told them.

"It is my mandate to observe and record, not to get involved."

"Okay, if you feel that way, fine," Buffy said, seemingly amused.

She pointed with the Scythe at a dragon flying by. It was swerving in

their direction. "You stay right here and observe all you like." The

dragon swept low in what looked suspiciously like a strafing run. "I'm

sure all these nice demons will be happy to keep you company."

The dragon spat fire.

SHIELD.

The fire bounced off an invisible dome over their heads.

"Buffy..." Willow began.

"Or you could go back to the your Turdness," Buffy continued

cheerfully. "It's only, what, two blocks?" Back the way they had come,

something vaguely snake like and ten feet thick slithered around a

corner. A gang of tentacled somethings rounded the opposite corner. Both

were headed in their direction.

"Oh, dear," the Watcher said nervously, He looked as if he might

have been wringing both hands, but they were busy holding on to a "book"

that was probably some Time Lord equivalent of a PDA.

More fire bathed their protective dome. "Alright, that's enough,"

Willow said, annoyed.

FREEZE.

The dragon fell out of the sky like a stone... or a block of ice.

It hit the already cracked pavement and shattered into a million pieces.

"Or you can stay with us and explain what the hell we're facing,"

Buffy concluded.

"Very well," the Watcher sighed, opening his book. "I suppose it

would be best to start from the beginning.

"Look on the bright side," Buffy added. "You get to watch from up

close."

Tentacles burst through the pavement under their feet.

***

"You're a god?" Xander said. "What? How?"

"I suppose it would be best to start at the beginning," Connor

MacLeod replied. He paused for a second, considering. "Once upon a time,

demons ruled the Earth... ah, you know this part. Okay, we'll skip ahead

to the emergence of early humanity."

"That'd be great."

"Anyway," Connor continued, "one of the ruling gods looked upon

this newly born humanity that was neither god nor demon and became

fascinated with them. He took them under His wing so to speak, taught

them the things they needed to survive against the competing demons, and

commanded His subordinate gods and demons to do the same. "He came to

care for them and love them in His own abstract way." Connor paused a

moment.

"But He didn't understand them."

***

"How could a god understand mortal human beings?" the Watcher

lectured. The three of them were walking towards the Tower again and

encountering some resistance.

Buffy impaled a classic looking devil on its own pitchfork.

"After all, humans had such short lifespans," the Watcher

continued, trying not to take any notice of the surounding mayhem. He

was starting to stutter here and there. "This god was for all intents and

purposes immortal compared to them."

A flock of infernal pigeons attempted to divebomb them. Willow

took care of them with some chain lightning that bounced between them.

"And of course, humans were incredibly frail next to the average

demon, never mind the god," the Watcher said, pressing his nose into his

book to avoid looking at the monstrosities coming at them. "And let's not

forget..."

Buffy brained a yellow ball-like thing that was all mouth and

teeth with its own lower jaw. "We get the point," she grunted. The demons

were coming at them in dribs and drabs, not all at once. It was a walk in

the park... or down the street in this case.

"Ah, yes, of course," the Watcher said. "So, one day, the god

came upon one of his pet humans who was somewhat disgruntled with him."

Willow freaked at the sight of a monstrous frog. The frog

promptly exploded. So did its companions, a humanoid pig with long blonde

hair and a humaoid bear wearing a tie.

"The god asked this man why he was disgruntled. The man replied

it was because that the god did not know humanity. He had no empathy for

them. So why should this god continue to rule over humanity?"

Buffy broke something blue, furry, and reasonably humanoid over

her knee. For some reason, it was wearing tacky yellow speedos with some

kind of "X" symbol where a belt buckle would be.

"So, of course, the god struck the man dead for his insolence."

Willow called down lightning on a gang of humanoid turtles.

***

"Nice guy," Xander said sourly.

"Compared to some of His peers, yes he was," Connor told him.

"After all, the others were exceedingly fond of torture while He was

not."

"Hmm, good point."

"Anyway, even though the god had struck the man down," Connor

continued, "the man's question continued to plague him. How could he

continue to rule humanity if he didn't understand their needs? He thought

about it so much that he consulted his closest advisors. He asked them

for advice on what to do. After much debate and argument and lots of

proposals, the god chose the one suggested by his chief lieutenant."

"So what proposal was it?" Xander asked.

"He would become human."

"Oh, is that all?"

"It wasn't quite so simple as that, Xander. A god can't just be

stuffed into a human form and still pull off a convincing act as a human.

Aside from His mind and memories, there was His sheer power to deal

with."

"So what was his solution?" Xander was beginning to have a

suspicion where this fable was leading.

"He divided Himself up or had His subordinates divide Him up -

the details are kind of obscure here - and scattered His fragments across

the world. The fragments would then take the form of human babies to be

raised by humans and live among them, unaware of what they truly were.

This wouldn't happen all at once, mind you. The fragments would take

human form over a long period of time, millenia in fact."

"Why not do it all at once?" Xander asked, feeling a little

queasy.

"So He didn't become a signifigant percentage of the human

population," Connor answered. "There weren't that many at the time. He

also wanted to experience every aspect of humanity, living every possible

kind of life that humans lived. Good and evil. Prince and peasant. Hero

and villain..."

"Okay, I get it," Xander interupted. "I'm a fragment of a god.

But why the immortality? Why the Game? Why the hell do we run around

trying to cut each other's heads off?"

"The immortality is a byproduct of the god's power. Even in their

reduced state, the fragments will instinctively use their power to keep

themselves alive. But there are limits to how well a fragment can heal

its physical form."

"Like beheading."

Connor nodded. "Exactly. If the fragment's physical vessel is

damaged beyond repair, it will immediately seek out the nearest other

fragment with an intact body to combine with. In spite of His divided

state, the god is instinctively trying to reassemble itself. And the last

fragment's personality will be the defining personality of the god once

He has been reassembled. And he would have his full powers again.

"Hence the Game."

"Wow," Xander breathed. He wondered what would if happen if a bad

guy won the Prize.

***

"Great, so we're dealing with a god gone bad, huh?" Buffy asked

as she chopped her way through a crowd of garden variety vampires. There

was no sun to fry them because of the cloud cover swirling around the

Tower.

"Essentially, yes," the Watcher confirmed.

"But he's freshly reassembled, right?" Willow asked as she fire

bombed a pack of hellhounds. "That means he should be rusty on using his

powers."

"One would assume so," the Watcher said doubtfully.

A few more steps, and it was like they crossed an invisible

barrier. Buffy and Willow couldn't see it, but they suddenly felt it. It

was like static electicity crawling across their skin. The power was

immense, like walking into a wall.

The demons liked it even less. They came up against it... and

stopped. They could all see the demons flocking to the Tower, but they

all stopped at the border of an invisible circle centered on the Eiffel

Tower.

"Y'know, I kinda assumed that all these demons were being sent

at us by this Duncan MacLeod," Willow mused aloud. "Funny how they don't

want to get too near him though."

"Darn. And I was having fun too," Buffy pouted.

Willow eyed Buffy strangely. "I think it's his natural aura

that's holding them back. If it this had been an intentional ward, I

think he's got enough power here to at least slow us down."

"Maybe he doesn't know we're coming," Buffy guessed. "After all,

who'd be expecting us? We didn't exactly come from this reality after

all."

"I suppose..." Willow broke off and looked around. "Hey, where'd

our Giles inpersonator go?"

"There he is," Buffy said, spotting the errant Time Lord. He was

at the base of the Tower, studying what appeared to be a severed human

head stuck on an improvised pike. The "pike" had apparently been made

from a chunk of the Tower's structural steel. The head was the first

piece of any human remains they had seen on this world.

"Oh dear, oh dear..." the Watcher was muttering to himself as the

girls approached.

"Gee, morbid much?" Buffy asked, bemused. She seemed completely

unaffected by the gruesome trophy.

Willow just stared at the head like she was going to be sick.

"Buffy, how can you be so callous?" Willow asked.

"It's just a severed head, Willow," Buffy replied casually.

"Nothing that we haven't seen before."

"This isn't just any head," the Watcher disagreed. "This is the

head of Duncan MacLeod."

***

"There's something that's bugging me," Xander commented as he

gathered up his gear. Connor had given him permission to gather up his

things after telling him the origin of immortals. There was alot of junk

here. Picking up all these items and putting them in their assigned

hiding spaces was taking some time.

"You're wondering what became of the god's...my...our advisors,"

Connor stated.

"Geez, would you stop with the mind reading?"

"Can't help it," Connor replied with a shrug.

"Okay, so what happened to them? Are they still around?"

"Yes, actually, they are." Connor grinned. "They were charged

with keeping humanity safe from the demons while I was... indisposed. I

believe you call them the Powers that Be."

***

"Whoa, is that true, Cordelia?"

"I... have no idea. I never bothered to ask the bosses about

their origins. I just assumed they'd always been there." Codelia thought

for a moment. "Y'know, I think we can pull just one more Deus ex

Machina."

"Cool! I'll..."

"Not you, Dawn. I'm doing this one."

"Awww..."

***

"Sir, no disrespect intended," General O'Neill said slowly, "but

are you out of your mind?!"

"General, please," Connor said soothingly. "Mr. Harris, has

satisfied me as to his intentions. He poses no threat to the SGC or any

of its personel. In fact he may even be a valuable asset to your

operations if he decides to join up."

Once Xander had put all his stuff away, hidden inside the depths

of his black long coat, Connor had called the General and SG-1 back to

the briefing room.

"But we don't know the first thing about him," O'Neill argued.

"Sure you do," Xander broke in. "You already got a version of me

working here. What's one..." He was interupted my tinny music.

"Where's that coming from?" O'Neill asked. The tinny music

sounded again. Everyone looked at Xander.

Somewhat abashed, Xander reached into his coat and pulled out a

cell phone. It rung again.

"Okay, now that's impossible," Samantha Carter said finally.

"Even assuming that there's an identical cell phone like that in this

reality, we're nearly half a mile underground. There is no way it can get

a satelite signal down here."

The cell phone rung again.

"Ma'am, I don't think the phone agrees with you," Lieutenant

Harris commented.

"Hey, that's my line," O'Neill said.

"Sorry, sir," Harris said quickly.

The phone sang out again.

"Are you going to answer that?" the General asked Xander.

"Oh, right." Hesitantly, Xander unfolded his cell phone and put

it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Xander?" came a familiar voice.

"Cordy? Is that you?" Xander asked.

"Cordy?" Harris echoed in surprise.

***

From where he had sheared the top off the Eiffel Tower, the god

watched the three mortals below. They fascinated him. The man was

knowledgable in things he shouldn't be. But by himself, he was hardly a

threat, more a bug to be squashed on a whim.

The blonde woman was powerful for a mortal. She felt almost as

old as the god was. Her power derived from the darkness, but somehow

kept it from tainting her soul. She would make an excellent servant.

The white haired one was even more powerful. She drew her power

from the earth itself. Her soul was bright, with just enough taint of

darkness to accent its beauty. But she was young and fragile as most

mortals were. She would be sweet... while she lasted.

And they had been sent here by his... servants. There purpose was

to destroy Him. His servants would have to be punished when he got around

to them. But first...

"The portal is ready. Aren't you going to go through?" his chief

lieutenant asked him, somewhat puzzled by the delay. His servant had

taken the form of a pretty woman in a uniform. A pity that she was

insubstantial. But the god wasn't ready to give her solid form yet. He

was sure the promise of a physical body was all that was holding her

loyalty.

"No, I wish to play with these mortals," the god replied, He

glanced at the Stargate floating just above the floor nearby. It was

there on his whim. "That can wait."

"So what do you want to do with these mortals?"

The god grinned savagely at his lieutenant. "I believe you have

some Deus ex Machinas to cash in?"

"Oh, yes. Thank you, master," the First Evil grinned back. "This

will be so much fun."

***

"Uh, Cordelia?"

"Not now, Dawn. I'm on the phone."

"But Cordy..."

"Not now, I said."

Dawn pouted. She was now one of the principle underlying cosmic

forces in the multiverse and she still got treated like a kid. Life - or

whatever this was - was just not fair!

***

"Okay Cordy, we're here. Now what?" Xander asked.

They had all assembled in the Gate Control room at Cordy's

request.

"Put the phone on the dialing computer," Cordy told him. "I'll

do the rest."

"What's the dialing computer?" Xander asked the locals.

"Why do you want to know?" O'Neill asked, suspicious.

Xander told him what Cordy had said.

"Sir, I think his friend wants to program the dialing computer

through the cell phone," Carter said.

"What? Let a complete unknown access to our computers?" O'Niell

objected. "Hell, no!"

"Cordy? Program a computer?" Harris asked skeptically as the

General objected to the procedure.

"Xander, let me talk to your twin," Cordy told Xander.

"Here," Xander said, handing the cell to his counterpart. "She

wants to talk to you."

Frowning, Harris put the phone to his here. Immediately, he

winced and jerked the phone from his ear. Although faint, the stream of

invective from the phone was plainly audible to everyone.

"Sir, that's definitely Cordelia Chase," Harris told O'Neill. "We

used to date in high school," he added quickly when his superior officer

looked hard at him. He held the phone out to his superior officer. "She

wants to talk to you now."

"That must have been some high school," Francisco murmured to

Harris as O'Neill took the phone.

The General gingerly put the phone to his own ear. Instead of

jerking the phone away as Harris had done, he listened for a few minutes.

"Okay, you convinced me," he said finally. With that, the General placed

the cell phone on a monitor that had a technician was sitting in from of.

The screen flickered, then code began streaming across it.

"Sir? What did she say to convince you?" Carter asked.

"I get him" O'Niell jerked a thumb at Xander, "out of my hair."

"Hey!" Xander and Harris excalimed at the same time.

***

The elevators in the Eiffel Tower was out. That is to say, they

weren't out of service because there was no power or the lift mechanisms

were broken. They were out because someone or something had literally

ripped the elevator cars out of their shafts and strewn them carelessly

on the ground. Luckily one set of stairs were intact.

Or maybe not. They could be walking into a trap.

"Clear, no baddies on this level," Buffy called. She had been

going ahead, her superior physique allowing her to fairly sprint up these

endless stairs. She was checking out each floor before Willow and the

Watcher could catch up, looking for any critters that their supernatural

senses might fail to detect.

"Buffy, wait for us," Willow told her. "We're going up against

something that could kill a god. What if you run into something you can't

handle by yourself?"

"Oh, please," Buffy sniffed. "The whatever it is hasn't moved

since we got here. What else could we possibly run into that I can't

handle by myself?"

Famous last words.

Something green moving so fast that it was a blur blasted through

the ceiling right above Buffy. It struck Buffy like an oversized cannon

ball and carried her through the floor below. Although she could see it,

Willow could feel Buffy come to a stop... at ground level.

***

"Chevron Six encoded," the technician counted off.

"Yeah, it's very pretty," Xander commented as another triangle

on the big ring thingy lit up.

"Chevron Seven encoded."

"Where's the wormhole?" O'Neill asked Carter.

"The what?" Xander interjected.

"Chevron Eight encoded!" The techncian sounded excited now.

"Maybe he's going to another galaxy?" Carter guessed.

"Chevron Nine encoded!" The tech was sounding almost hysterical

now.

"What the hell needs nine Chevrons?!" O'Neill asked.

"Chevron TEN encoded!"

The Stargate burst to life.

"Considering where our visitor hails from, perhaps another

reality?" Connor MacLeod mused.

***

Buffy had just enough time to get a mental snapshot of her newest

sparring partner. Big. Green. Humanoid. Purple cutoff shorts. Fangs. The

all too familiar game face.

"HULK SMASH!!!"

Then its fist pounded Buffy's head into the ground and everything

went black.

***

"We gotta go help Buffy!"

"A-are you sure?" the Watcher asked nervously. "She said she

could handle herself."

"Not this time, I think," Willow replied resolutely. "I'm not

going to lose her again!" She turned back toward the stairs. She took not

a step forward. A middle-aged looking man with a balding head and wearing

a cloak made of what looked like feathers was barring her way.

"Going so soon?" the man asked. No, he wasn't a man. Willow

could sense it was something evil and not human and... insubstantial. She

knew of exactly one creature like that.

"Who...?" the Watcher began.

"The First Evil," Willow growled.

"Hardly," the man laughed. "Call me Maldis."

***

The first thing Xander noticed on the other side of the Stargate

was the Buzz. It had that same cacophony as Connor MacLeod's. He was

being greeted by another Prize winner. Great.

Then he saw the Prize winner himself. A big man dressed like some

biker with a friggin' huge sword in hand. Connor didn't carry a sword

any more because he didn't need it. So why would this guy be carrying

one? Xander had a bad feeling about this one. The guy practically

radiated bad vibes.

"I'm Xander Harris of Sunnydale," he said, reciting the standard

challenge as he slipped his enchanted katana out of his coat.

"I am God," the other man said. "You may call me Kurgan."

"I thought you guys didn't need quickenings anymore," Xander

said, stalling for time while he tried to figure out how to beat a god.

Kurgan glanced over Xander's head at the still open Stargate. His

grin was pure evil. "I do not. But since you have led me to the next

Prize I wish to take, I will let you live."

***

"We led him to the next Prize?" Dawn asked, surprised.

"Oh, yeah," Cordelia replied, aghast that this possibility hadn't

even occured to her. "Oops."