Chapter 4
I sit by the hospital bed, trying to keep myself from crying. I don't know how to break it to her, how to tell her that he's gone. That that coward left her with all the problems after he hurt her so badly. If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him myself.
Abby's going to be so devastated when she finds out. I know how much she loved Eric. I know how much he meant to her. She practically raised him. How could he do this to her?
And now she's all alone. She doesn't want a relationship with Maggie, so Eric is the only family she has. Well, had.
I look at her, resting peacefully. What will I do when she wakes up? How will I tell her that her brother is dead?
I would give anything to bring him back. We could've forced him to get some help. I should've make Abby press charges. Why didn't I hire a PI as soon as I found out? There are so many regrets.
I look at Abby once more. For the first time in days, she looks happy. And now, I have to shatter that happiness. I have to ruin her life.
I decide that she will not be alone in this. I will stay with her no matter what. I love her. I know how hard this is going to be for her. She'll probably try to push me away. She'll hurt me to try and make me abandon her. But I won't. No matter how much she hurts me, I won't leave her. She's going to need a friend.
Abby's moving. Her eyes are opening. It's time to tell her.
____________________________________________________________________________
When Maggie got the letter, she wasn't sitting down. After she read the letter, she sat down. Actually, she fell down, onto the floor. She sat there for a while, not believing her eyes. Tears blurred her eyes, and they fell onto the paper. She wiped them away and gazed at the letter again. It couldn't be true, could it? This had to be some kind of sick joke.
With shaking hands, Maggie picked up the phone. She already had the number, and she dialed it with trembling hands.
"County General," said a man's voice.
"Um, is Abby Lockhart there?" Maggie asked hesitantly. She feared what his answer would be.
"She's gone." Frank said quietly. He had had a throat infection last week, so for once he was saying everything quietly.
"Oh. Okay. I understand." Maggie said tearfully. She knew what he meant.
"Do you want me to tell her to call you when she gets back in?" Frank asked. A pause, then, "Hello?"
But Maggie had already hung up the phone.
____________________________________________________________________________ __
"What's wrong?" Abby asked. She had been feeling alright when she woke up, but as soon as she saw Carter's face she knew that something was terribly wrong.
Carter took her hand in his and looked into her eyes. This was not going to be easy.
"Is it Eric? Did you find him?" Carter nodded his head slowly. "Well, where is he? Is he alright?"
Carter solemnly shook his head. "He's gone, Abby," he said quietly.
"What?" Abby stammered. "What do you mean, he's gone? Where is he?" She knew what Carter meant, but she wanted to pretend for just one more moment that it wasn't true.
"He's dead, Abby."
"No. No. He- he can't be dead. He can't be dead!"
"I'm sorry, Abby."
"NO! Eric can't be dead!" Her face was frozen, a mask of horror. Eric had been fine just two days ago; he couldn't be dead!
Carter took her in his arms. "He is," he whispered. "I'm sorry." He held Abby tightly in his arms.
"No...no," Abby whispered mournfully, clutching Carter's shirt. She needed something to hold onto. She felt like she was falling off the edge of the earth. How could Eric be dead? She had just seen him yesterday!
She thought of the smiling little boy that she had sent off to school, the nervous teenager who had asked for her advice on girls. She would never see him again. Her mind couldn't seem to grasp that. How could he be gone?
She wished she hadn't made him mad. She should have just accepted the way he was, and tried more discreetly to get him into treatment. Instead, she had confronted him head-on, made him mad, made him cut her and panic. She had killed him, in a way. If she hadn't antagonized him, he would still be alive.
Carter was murmuring comforting words in her ears, but she couldn't hear them. She felt like she would never be happy again. How could the world to continue to go on when Eric was dead? Abby had a feeling that if she looked out the window, she would see everything frozen, exactly the way it was when Eric had taken his last breath.
"I want him back," Abby whimpered into Carter's shoulder. She couldn't imagine how she could live without Eric. Even though she hadn't seen him as much once they were adults, she had always known she could check up on him, make sure he was okay. Now, she would never talk to him again. She couldn't bear the thought of him not being there anymore.
But he was gone. Gone forever. And she would never see him again.
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Susan walked up to the figure sitting on the hospital bench. "How're you doing?" she asked, sitting down next to him.
Carter sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know. I really- I could just kill Eric." He paused, then added, "Well, I guess it's a little late for that." He turned to look at Susan. "It's so selfish, you know? He killed himself because he felt bad about what he did to Abby. So now he's dead and he doesn't have to worry about her, but she's worrying about him. She's crying for him, and losing sleep for him, and feeling sad about him. And he didn't care about her enough to just stay alive. He knew how much this would hurt her, but all he cared about was what he was feeling."
"He was probably depressed," Susan reminded him.
Carter sighed. "I know, but that doesn't make it any easier. He's still gone."
Susan nodded. "How's Abby?" she asked.
"Really upset. She hasn't eaten, or slept, or done much of anything since she found out." Carter stood up. "It's so unfair. He's the one who did this, but she's left feeling guilty."
"What's she gonna do?"
"I dunno. She hasn't talked to Maggie yet. Maybe she'll be able to help. I know they don't have the greatest relationship, but Abby needs family right now."
"You should call her. They should be together right now."
Carter nodded. "You're right. I'm gonna go and call her right now."
____________________________________________________________________
Carter walked into the darkened room and was relieved to see that Abby was asleep. She hadn't gotten any rest in the past day; it would do her good. He sat down by the bed quietly, hoping not to wake her up.
Her eyes flew open as soon as he sat down. "Hi," she said quietly.
"Hi. How're you doing?"
Abby sighed. "Okay, I guess." She paused. "Carter, how did he die?"
Carter looked down. He assumed she knew; he didn't want to have to tell her. "He killed himself."
Abby closed her eyes. "How?" she whispered.
"Are you sure you want to know?"
She nodded. Carter took a deep breath. "He slit his wrists."
Abby squeezed her eyes shut, but a tear leaked out before she could stop it. "Was it the same knife?"
"I don't know," Carter lied. It was the same one, but he didn't want to burden her with any extra guilt.
"It probably was," Abby said, her voice shaking. "He killed himself with my knife."
Carter put his hand on her arm. "Abby, this isn't your fault," he said, but he knew that she blamed herself.
Abby looked up at him, her face etched with sorrow. "Yes it is. I pushed him into this. I was trying to make him go into treatment, and I was just pushing too hard. He cut me before he could even think about it, then killed himself because he felt guilty."
"That still doesn't make it your fault," Carter said.
Abby sat up in bed and looked him straight in the eye. "Would he be dead if he hadn't come here?" Abby said. Carter didn't know what to say. He knew that Eric would probably still be alive if he hadn't come here, but he didn't want to make Abby feel any worse.
When he didn't answer, she said, "That's what I thought."
"Abby, you were trying to help him. If you hadn't confronted him, he would have ended up getting into trouble sooner or later. Manic people can get out of control. Who knows what he would have done. You were trying to stop him before he did something serious."
"If I hadn't said anything, he would still be alive," Abby repeated stubbornly.
"Yeah, but what kind of life would he have? He would be living on the brink, and one day he would do something crazy and get himself killed, and you would wonder why you hadn't confronted him."
Abby was silent for a while, then she said, "I guess this was just a lose-lose situation."
"You did the best you could, Abby."
"But it wasn't enough," she said sadly.
"You did what anyone would have done." She stared down at the sheets glumly. "Look at me," he said, tilting her chin up so that her eyes met his. "You did the best thing you could have done. You tried to help him. It isn't your fault that he didn't want your help."
"I wish I could have saved him," Abby said hoarsely, fighting back tears.
"I do too," Carter said sadly.
_________________________________________________________________________
Abby's teeth started chattering as soon as they left the airplane. "God, it's freezing out here," she said, pulling her hat down over her ears.
Carter shrugged. "After all these years living in Chicago, I think I'm immune to cold."
"Well, I'm not. Give me Hawaii any day."
I sit by the hospital bed, trying to keep myself from crying. I don't know how to break it to her, how to tell her that he's gone. That that coward left her with all the problems after he hurt her so badly. If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him myself.
Abby's going to be so devastated when she finds out. I know how much she loved Eric. I know how much he meant to her. She practically raised him. How could he do this to her?
And now she's all alone. She doesn't want a relationship with Maggie, so Eric is the only family she has. Well, had.
I look at her, resting peacefully. What will I do when she wakes up? How will I tell her that her brother is dead?
I would give anything to bring him back. We could've forced him to get some help. I should've make Abby press charges. Why didn't I hire a PI as soon as I found out? There are so many regrets.
I look at Abby once more. For the first time in days, she looks happy. And now, I have to shatter that happiness. I have to ruin her life.
I decide that she will not be alone in this. I will stay with her no matter what. I love her. I know how hard this is going to be for her. She'll probably try to push me away. She'll hurt me to try and make me abandon her. But I won't. No matter how much she hurts me, I won't leave her. She's going to need a friend.
Abby's moving. Her eyes are opening. It's time to tell her.
____________________________________________________________________________
When Maggie got the letter, she wasn't sitting down. After she read the letter, she sat down. Actually, she fell down, onto the floor. She sat there for a while, not believing her eyes. Tears blurred her eyes, and they fell onto the paper. She wiped them away and gazed at the letter again. It couldn't be true, could it? This had to be some kind of sick joke.
With shaking hands, Maggie picked up the phone. She already had the number, and she dialed it with trembling hands.
"County General," said a man's voice.
"Um, is Abby Lockhart there?" Maggie asked hesitantly. She feared what his answer would be.
"She's gone." Frank said quietly. He had had a throat infection last week, so for once he was saying everything quietly.
"Oh. Okay. I understand." Maggie said tearfully. She knew what he meant.
"Do you want me to tell her to call you when she gets back in?" Frank asked. A pause, then, "Hello?"
But Maggie had already hung up the phone.
____________________________________________________________________________ __
"What's wrong?" Abby asked. She had been feeling alright when she woke up, but as soon as she saw Carter's face she knew that something was terribly wrong.
Carter took her hand in his and looked into her eyes. This was not going to be easy.
"Is it Eric? Did you find him?" Carter nodded his head slowly. "Well, where is he? Is he alright?"
Carter solemnly shook his head. "He's gone, Abby," he said quietly.
"What?" Abby stammered. "What do you mean, he's gone? Where is he?" She knew what Carter meant, but she wanted to pretend for just one more moment that it wasn't true.
"He's dead, Abby."
"No. No. He- he can't be dead. He can't be dead!"
"I'm sorry, Abby."
"NO! Eric can't be dead!" Her face was frozen, a mask of horror. Eric had been fine just two days ago; he couldn't be dead!
Carter took her in his arms. "He is," he whispered. "I'm sorry." He held Abby tightly in his arms.
"No...no," Abby whispered mournfully, clutching Carter's shirt. She needed something to hold onto. She felt like she was falling off the edge of the earth. How could Eric be dead? She had just seen him yesterday!
She thought of the smiling little boy that she had sent off to school, the nervous teenager who had asked for her advice on girls. She would never see him again. Her mind couldn't seem to grasp that. How could he be gone?
She wished she hadn't made him mad. She should have just accepted the way he was, and tried more discreetly to get him into treatment. Instead, she had confronted him head-on, made him mad, made him cut her and panic. She had killed him, in a way. If she hadn't antagonized him, he would still be alive.
Carter was murmuring comforting words in her ears, but she couldn't hear them. She felt like she would never be happy again. How could the world to continue to go on when Eric was dead? Abby had a feeling that if she looked out the window, she would see everything frozen, exactly the way it was when Eric had taken his last breath.
"I want him back," Abby whimpered into Carter's shoulder. She couldn't imagine how she could live without Eric. Even though she hadn't seen him as much once they were adults, she had always known she could check up on him, make sure he was okay. Now, she would never talk to him again. She couldn't bear the thought of him not being there anymore.
But he was gone. Gone forever. And she would never see him again.
_________________________________________________________________________
Susan walked up to the figure sitting on the hospital bench. "How're you doing?" she asked, sitting down next to him.
Carter sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know. I really- I could just kill Eric." He paused, then added, "Well, I guess it's a little late for that." He turned to look at Susan. "It's so selfish, you know? He killed himself because he felt bad about what he did to Abby. So now he's dead and he doesn't have to worry about her, but she's worrying about him. She's crying for him, and losing sleep for him, and feeling sad about him. And he didn't care about her enough to just stay alive. He knew how much this would hurt her, but all he cared about was what he was feeling."
"He was probably depressed," Susan reminded him.
Carter sighed. "I know, but that doesn't make it any easier. He's still gone."
Susan nodded. "How's Abby?" she asked.
"Really upset. She hasn't eaten, or slept, or done much of anything since she found out." Carter stood up. "It's so unfair. He's the one who did this, but she's left feeling guilty."
"What's she gonna do?"
"I dunno. She hasn't talked to Maggie yet. Maybe she'll be able to help. I know they don't have the greatest relationship, but Abby needs family right now."
"You should call her. They should be together right now."
Carter nodded. "You're right. I'm gonna go and call her right now."
____________________________________________________________________
Carter walked into the darkened room and was relieved to see that Abby was asleep. She hadn't gotten any rest in the past day; it would do her good. He sat down by the bed quietly, hoping not to wake her up.
Her eyes flew open as soon as he sat down. "Hi," she said quietly.
"Hi. How're you doing?"
Abby sighed. "Okay, I guess." She paused. "Carter, how did he die?"
Carter looked down. He assumed she knew; he didn't want to have to tell her. "He killed himself."
Abby closed her eyes. "How?" she whispered.
"Are you sure you want to know?"
She nodded. Carter took a deep breath. "He slit his wrists."
Abby squeezed her eyes shut, but a tear leaked out before she could stop it. "Was it the same knife?"
"I don't know," Carter lied. It was the same one, but he didn't want to burden her with any extra guilt.
"It probably was," Abby said, her voice shaking. "He killed himself with my knife."
Carter put his hand on her arm. "Abby, this isn't your fault," he said, but he knew that she blamed herself.
Abby looked up at him, her face etched with sorrow. "Yes it is. I pushed him into this. I was trying to make him go into treatment, and I was just pushing too hard. He cut me before he could even think about it, then killed himself because he felt guilty."
"That still doesn't make it your fault," Carter said.
Abby sat up in bed and looked him straight in the eye. "Would he be dead if he hadn't come here?" Abby said. Carter didn't know what to say. He knew that Eric would probably still be alive if he hadn't come here, but he didn't want to make Abby feel any worse.
When he didn't answer, she said, "That's what I thought."
"Abby, you were trying to help him. If you hadn't confronted him, he would have ended up getting into trouble sooner or later. Manic people can get out of control. Who knows what he would have done. You were trying to stop him before he did something serious."
"If I hadn't said anything, he would still be alive," Abby repeated stubbornly.
"Yeah, but what kind of life would he have? He would be living on the brink, and one day he would do something crazy and get himself killed, and you would wonder why you hadn't confronted him."
Abby was silent for a while, then she said, "I guess this was just a lose-lose situation."
"You did the best you could, Abby."
"But it wasn't enough," she said sadly.
"You did what anyone would have done." She stared down at the sheets glumly. "Look at me," he said, tilting her chin up so that her eyes met his. "You did the best thing you could have done. You tried to help him. It isn't your fault that he didn't want your help."
"I wish I could have saved him," Abby said hoarsely, fighting back tears.
"I do too," Carter said sadly.
_________________________________________________________________________
Abby's teeth started chattering as soon as they left the airplane. "God, it's freezing out here," she said, pulling her hat down over her ears.
Carter shrugged. "After all these years living in Chicago, I think I'm immune to cold."
"Well, I'm not. Give me Hawaii any day."
