Chapter 10
"Carter?" Abby said, mocking him.
"Wha-what are you doing out here?" Carter asked, approaching her slowly.
Abby rolled her eyes. Could he possibly be that dense? "What does it look like I'm doing, Carter?" she asked, looking over the edge. Just one little push...
Carter was panicked. Was she about to jump? He didn't know what to do. "Come down from there, Abby. You could get hurt," he said, praying this was all just a big misunderstanding.
Abby gave a short, harsh laugh. "Really? I could get hurt? You mean the kind of hurt that Maggie and Eric got? Wow, I hadn't considered that," she murmured thoughtfully. She pressed her finger to the side of her face as if she was in deep thought.
And she was. She was wondering why Carter didn't just leave her alone. She didn't want to jump with him right here!
But he would leave, just like he had before. She was sure of it. Then, she would be free to jump.
Carter took another step towards her. "Stop! Don't come any closer. I don't want you near me." She prayed that these words would be enough to send him flouncing back down the stairs in a pout. Then, she would be alone again.
Carter stopped in his tracks. Would she really jump? He had no idea. He wished he had tried harder to talk to her earlier. She had been silent, but he thought that was her way of dealing with it. Now, he realized that she was just building up to this. "Please, don't jump, Abby," he said, a worried expression on his face.
"Oh, spare me the false compassion," she said. "Don't try to pretend you care now."
"I do care, Abby. I don't want you to do this. I love you."
"Oh, so now you love me," she retorted.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Carter asked, confused. What was Abby talking about?
"You didn't love me when you LEFT me, when you ran off to Africa to play jungle doctor. You showed me then what was really important. Well, there's no one around, Carter. You can drop the caring boyfriend act now, and just be yourself."
Carter remembered at the hospital, when he had promised himself that he would talk to her about their relationship as soon as she woke up. What had happened? How had he put it off for so long?
He had hoped that maybe she had forgotten, but she had not. Now, it was staring him right in the face, and they had to talk about it- now.
He started to move toward her, but then remembered what she had said. So he stood there awkwardly in the middle of the roof, trying to figure out what words he could say that would keep her from jumping. "Abby, when Gamma died, I just felt...so messed up and confused, I knew I just had to get out of here, get away from everything. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but...you know how it feels now. You know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, how it makes you just want to push everyone away from you. I've tried to be here for you now, throughout this whole thing. I'm sorry for leaving. I just needed some time to sort things out." He paused, not sure of how to continue.
Abby shook her head. "No," she said. "No. You're not just going to come up with some little neat explanation, and now I'm just supposed to happily go on with my life. NO! You LEFT me, Carter! You left me just like everyone else!" Abby stopped for a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. When she continued, her voice was thick with crying. "So just go ahead and leave me now."
"I'm not leaving, Abby. I want to help you."
Abby looked into his eyes. "Then give me a push."
"No, Abby. I'm not going to push you, and you're not going to push yourself. You don't have to do this."
Abby nodded her head rapidly. "Yes, I do. This is the only way. Eric killed himself, and when Maggie found out, she killed herself. I found out about Maggie, and now it's my turn. It's a chain reaction, Carter. That's the way we Wyczenskis do things." Abby slipped one foot off the flat surface of the roof. What would it feel like to slip both off, to feel the air flying by her, to know that she would only exist for a few seconds longer?
"It doesn't have to be that way, Abby. YOU can break the chain."
"I've never been much of a trendsetter," Abby said quietly. "I think I'll just follow the crowd on this one."
Carter stepped towards her. "Do you know how terrible I'd feel if you jumped right now, and I'd have to wonder for the rest of my life if I could've saved you?"
"Don't try and guilt me out of this, Carter; don't you dare. I've had enough guilt put on me by everyone else without you doing it too." Abby crept closer to the edge. Just a little bit further...
Carter decided to try a different tactic. "Abby, please. I need you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I can't imagine what I would do if you weren't in my life." And that was true. Already, horrible images were flashing through his mind: attending Abby's funeral, Abby's broken, bloody body on the street below, Abby's screams as she hit the pavement. He imagined sitting alone by her grave, wondering what he could have done to save her. He couldn't let that happen; he had to stop her.
Abby stopped at the sound of his last words. He loved her. She hadn't heard him say that in so long. "I love you too, Carter. But I can't deal with this. I- I can't do this," Abby said softly, blinking back tears.
"Let me help you, Abby. I know this is hard, but we can work through it together." Carter took another step towards her. They were less than three feet apart now. Close enough that he could grab her and drag her over the railing, if need be.
"I just- how am I supposed to live with this, knowing that I killed them? How can I have a normal life with that thought shadowing everything I do?"
"Abby, you didn't kill them; they killed themselves. No matter what you may think, you are not responsible for this." Abby didn't respond, and he could tell that she didn't believe him. "Abby. Look at me." She raised her tear-stained face to meet his. "I know that all this guilt and pain seems like too much to bear right now, but it will get easier as time passes, I promise. You still have so much of your life left; you can't just give up like this."
Abby burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. She heard Carter approaching her, but was too consumed by her tears to do anything to try and stop him. She was vaguely aware of Carter lifting her over the railing and wrapping his arms around her. "It's okay, baby," he said, rubbing her back as she cried.
Abby felt like a dam had burst inside her, and all of her feelings came gushing out. It felt so good to be crying, to feel Carter's arms encircling her. She had kept everything bottled up inside of her for so long, and now it came spewing out.
She felt Carter rubbing her back, and wished she could stay in his arms forever. It was a safe place, one where she didn't have to worry about what she was going to do about all of her problems.
"Thank you," she whispered into his shirt once she had finished crying.
"I love you," he responded.
"I think you're supposed to say you're welcome," she said, and they laughed. It was the first laugh they had shared in weeks.
"Ready to go back to your apartment?" Carter asked her. She nodded and leaned against his shoulder. As Carter led her downstairs, she had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.
"Carter?" Abby said, mocking him.
"Wha-what are you doing out here?" Carter asked, approaching her slowly.
Abby rolled her eyes. Could he possibly be that dense? "What does it look like I'm doing, Carter?" she asked, looking over the edge. Just one little push...
Carter was panicked. Was she about to jump? He didn't know what to do. "Come down from there, Abby. You could get hurt," he said, praying this was all just a big misunderstanding.
Abby gave a short, harsh laugh. "Really? I could get hurt? You mean the kind of hurt that Maggie and Eric got? Wow, I hadn't considered that," she murmured thoughtfully. She pressed her finger to the side of her face as if she was in deep thought.
And she was. She was wondering why Carter didn't just leave her alone. She didn't want to jump with him right here!
But he would leave, just like he had before. She was sure of it. Then, she would be free to jump.
Carter took another step towards her. "Stop! Don't come any closer. I don't want you near me." She prayed that these words would be enough to send him flouncing back down the stairs in a pout. Then, she would be alone again.
Carter stopped in his tracks. Would she really jump? He had no idea. He wished he had tried harder to talk to her earlier. She had been silent, but he thought that was her way of dealing with it. Now, he realized that she was just building up to this. "Please, don't jump, Abby," he said, a worried expression on his face.
"Oh, spare me the false compassion," she said. "Don't try to pretend you care now."
"I do care, Abby. I don't want you to do this. I love you."
"Oh, so now you love me," she retorted.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Carter asked, confused. What was Abby talking about?
"You didn't love me when you LEFT me, when you ran off to Africa to play jungle doctor. You showed me then what was really important. Well, there's no one around, Carter. You can drop the caring boyfriend act now, and just be yourself."
Carter remembered at the hospital, when he had promised himself that he would talk to her about their relationship as soon as she woke up. What had happened? How had he put it off for so long?
He had hoped that maybe she had forgotten, but she had not. Now, it was staring him right in the face, and they had to talk about it- now.
He started to move toward her, but then remembered what she had said. So he stood there awkwardly in the middle of the roof, trying to figure out what words he could say that would keep her from jumping. "Abby, when Gamma died, I just felt...so messed up and confused, I knew I just had to get out of here, get away from everything. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but...you know how it feels now. You know how much it hurts to lose someone you love, how it makes you just want to push everyone away from you. I've tried to be here for you now, throughout this whole thing. I'm sorry for leaving. I just needed some time to sort things out." He paused, not sure of how to continue.
Abby shook her head. "No," she said. "No. You're not just going to come up with some little neat explanation, and now I'm just supposed to happily go on with my life. NO! You LEFT me, Carter! You left me just like everyone else!" Abby stopped for a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. When she continued, her voice was thick with crying. "So just go ahead and leave me now."
"I'm not leaving, Abby. I want to help you."
Abby looked into his eyes. "Then give me a push."
"No, Abby. I'm not going to push you, and you're not going to push yourself. You don't have to do this."
Abby nodded her head rapidly. "Yes, I do. This is the only way. Eric killed himself, and when Maggie found out, she killed herself. I found out about Maggie, and now it's my turn. It's a chain reaction, Carter. That's the way we Wyczenskis do things." Abby slipped one foot off the flat surface of the roof. What would it feel like to slip both off, to feel the air flying by her, to know that she would only exist for a few seconds longer?
"It doesn't have to be that way, Abby. YOU can break the chain."
"I've never been much of a trendsetter," Abby said quietly. "I think I'll just follow the crowd on this one."
Carter stepped towards her. "Do you know how terrible I'd feel if you jumped right now, and I'd have to wonder for the rest of my life if I could've saved you?"
"Don't try and guilt me out of this, Carter; don't you dare. I've had enough guilt put on me by everyone else without you doing it too." Abby crept closer to the edge. Just a little bit further...
Carter decided to try a different tactic. "Abby, please. I need you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I can't imagine what I would do if you weren't in my life." And that was true. Already, horrible images were flashing through his mind: attending Abby's funeral, Abby's broken, bloody body on the street below, Abby's screams as she hit the pavement. He imagined sitting alone by her grave, wondering what he could have done to save her. He couldn't let that happen; he had to stop her.
Abby stopped at the sound of his last words. He loved her. She hadn't heard him say that in so long. "I love you too, Carter. But I can't deal with this. I- I can't do this," Abby said softly, blinking back tears.
"Let me help you, Abby. I know this is hard, but we can work through it together." Carter took another step towards her. They were less than three feet apart now. Close enough that he could grab her and drag her over the railing, if need be.
"I just- how am I supposed to live with this, knowing that I killed them? How can I have a normal life with that thought shadowing everything I do?"
"Abby, you didn't kill them; they killed themselves. No matter what you may think, you are not responsible for this." Abby didn't respond, and he could tell that she didn't believe him. "Abby. Look at me." She raised her tear-stained face to meet his. "I know that all this guilt and pain seems like too much to bear right now, but it will get easier as time passes, I promise. You still have so much of your life left; you can't just give up like this."
Abby burst into tears and covered her face with her hands. She heard Carter approaching her, but was too consumed by her tears to do anything to try and stop him. She was vaguely aware of Carter lifting her over the railing and wrapping his arms around her. "It's okay, baby," he said, rubbing her back as she cried.
Abby felt like a dam had burst inside her, and all of her feelings came gushing out. It felt so good to be crying, to feel Carter's arms encircling her. She had kept everything bottled up inside of her for so long, and now it came spewing out.
She felt Carter rubbing her back, and wished she could stay in his arms forever. It was a safe place, one where she didn't have to worry about what she was going to do about all of her problems.
"Thank you," she whispered into his shirt once she had finished crying.
"I love you," he responded.
"I think you're supposed to say you're welcome," she said, and they laughed. It was the first laugh they had shared in weeks.
"Ready to go back to your apartment?" Carter asked her. She nodded and leaned against his shoulder. As Carter led her downstairs, she had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.
