Chapter Four
Her head grew foggy, blocking her mind. In a minute, she couldn't see. Everything became blurry, and she felt as if she was going to collapse. She felt lightheaded. Quickly but carefully she ran – faster than she ever had before. Tears fell, but she didn't even notice. A knife tore through her heart – her emotions. She was wounded for life.
Finally, Monica couldn't take it anymore. She collapsed. She collapsed on the hard, cold sidewalk, not even caring. She sobbed, putting her hands to her face. She should be happy for Chandler. She really should. But she couldn't. As hard as she tried, it seemed impossible. Suddenly, Monica stood up, trembling. She'd told herself that she wanted Chandler to be happy, even if it were with someone else. And she was going to stay that way. She wanted Chandler to be happy. She'd rather him live his life to the fullest and be content than her. And that was the truth. Although Monica didn't like the truth.
It must have been 3:00 in the morning when Monica finally reached the hotel. All through her way there she would look back every once in a while, hoping to see Chandler run after her, telling her to be with him. That she was the one he wanted. But that was just a dream – hope. She didn't exactly expect it to happen, she just wished it would. Monica collapsed onto the bed and sighed. Why had she agreed to come in the first place? No, she knew why. Because she loved Chandler and wanted him to be happy either way.
"That's right, Chandler. I love you," Monica said, looking to her right where Chandler should have been. "I love you with all of my heart. I can't sleep, I can't think of anything else but you. I love you so much it hurts. So much it makes me cry. So much – so much I'm willing to be unhappy the rest of my life to make you happy. I need you. I want you. But I can't have you." She looked out the window and felt another salty tear drip down her cheek. It was all she ever did these days – cry. And it wasn't ever going to change. Because Chandler had someone else. Monica laid down her head and buried it in her pillow. Before she got to lift her head up, Monica heard Chandler come into the room.
Chandler looked content. He felt content. Finally, he had his soulmate. And it wasn't at all hard to get her. It must have been only one week, and already. He already had her. Things were finally looking up for him – finally. He silently looked at Monica and smiled. And it was all thanks to her. He couldn't have done it without her. He went over to her and kissed her hair.
"Thanks, Mon," he whispered. "You set my life right."
Monica shut her eyes tightly, but she didn't say anything. She just pretended she was asleep. Chandler changed and lay down on the bed next to Monica. He fell asleep right away, but Monica remained awake. Things would never be the same again. Never. It was her own fault, she finally decided. It was her own fault that she never told him how she felt. But even if she did – what then? Would he have listened? Would he have cared? Monica shook her head. But she didn't even get the chance to find out – because she ran. She ran from it all. When she was sure Chandler was asleep, Monica got up and went over to the window, just like she did every other night. Only this time instead of looking out towards the sky, she looked down – down towards the ground. They must have been on the top floor, and everybody walking on the sidewalks looked like diminutive ants. She closed her eyes and debated her two options.
One: she could end it all. End it all right now and die. Jump from the window, let herself fall, and hit the hard concrete below.
Or two: she could suffer. She could suffer, watch Chandler be with someone else, and hate herself throughout life.
She decided on one. It was the easy way out, and she didn't have the strength to take the hard way out – if there even was a way out. Monica walked over to the small table and took out a piece of paper and a pen. Then she began to write:
My dear Chandler,
I know this shouldn't be the way to tell you what I'm about to. But I've come to learn that it's the only way. I'm a coward, I know I am. I just wish that I took my chance when I could. But I didn't. I waited too long. By the time you get this note, I'll be long gone. Not back in New York, not in another city in California. Not anywhere in the world. I'll be dead. But please, don't grieve for me. Be happy with Rachel, your soulmate. I want you to be. I truly do. That's why I came with you, why I stuck with you, why I pretended to be your girlfriend. I want you to be so happy, Chandler. And don't tell the others what I'm about to tell you. Nobody knew, and that was my own fault.
I wrote this note to tell you that I love you, Chandler. I love you so much it hurts. You were the one that I was talking to you about that night on the plane. You were the one. I can't – or should I say couldn't, since by the time you read this I'll be dead- live without you. You were my life, my destiny. I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you. I don't know how to explain it, I just did. And I stayed by your side, I consoled you whenever you broke up with a girlfriend, I was your friend – I came with you on this trip. And year by year, it tore me apart piece by piece. That's why; right now, I have to say good-bye in the worst way possible. Good-bye, Chandler, my love, my destiny, my hero. I just wish we could've had a chance. But either way, you'd have ended up with Rachel. She is, in fact, your soulmate, right?
All of my love,
Monica
P.S. Don't be sad that I'm gone.
Monica dried her tears and folded the note. Should she be doing this? She wasn't sure. No, she had to do this. She couldn't live with all of the suffering, all of the pain, the heartache. Monica took the note and left it on her pillow. She climbed out the window, looked down, and took a deep breath.
"Good-bye, Chandler. I love you," she whispered. Then she looked back at Chandler. For a few minutes, she just sat there on the windowsill, watching Chandler breathe in and out in a rhythmical motion. She watched a smile creep up on his face, lighting it up. She looked at him as he shivered as a breeze flew from the window to him. Then she frowned.
What was she doing? Why was she giving up so easily? How could she do this to Chandler?
She couldn't. She wasn't going to. It would hurt Chandler too much – even if they were only friends. But they were best friends – closer than anyone could imagine. They told all of their secrets, crushes, gossip – everything – to each other. And Monica couldn't even bare to think of the fact that she'd be the one to ruin Chandler's life. Monica slowly climbed back into the room and went over to the bed. She took the note and sighed.
"If only I could just give this to you, Chandler. Then you'd know how I feel." But she shredded the paper and left it there on the floor – too exhausted, tired, and depressed to even care that the clean carpet was littered with shreds of paper. She just collapsed on the bed and hugged Chandler. "I was about to do something so stupid, Chandler. So stupid." Wet, hot tears stung her eyes, and for the first time, she actually bothered to wipe them away. "So stupid." By now, she was sobbing into his chest. "I was about to tear your world down."
"Mon. Mon, wake up!" Chandler whispered to her while shaking her. Monica slowly opened her eyes, rubbing them to clear her vision. Immediately she saw Chandler's blithe face. He was grinning from ear to ear. Monica sat up and smiled.
"Wow. What's going on? You look like you just won a million dollars," she smiled.
"I feel like I have!"
"Okay, Chandler… are you going to tell me why you're grinning like a fool?" But she knew exactly why he was so happy.
"She kissed me!"
"What?" Monica said, trying to keep her voice from not being too shocked but glad at the same time, "Really?"
Chandler bobbed his head up and down, attempting to nod.
"Rachel kissed you!" She threw her arms around him. "I'm so happy for you, Chandler," she whispered.
"Thanks, Mon. And I don't mean for just saying that, I mean for everything. I'd never even have found her if it weren't for you."
Monica shook her head. "No, now that's not true. It's destiny, remember?"
"Chandler squeezed Monica tighter. "Yeah, that's right."
"Hey, what do you say we go to Charlie Brown's, my treat?" Monica offered, "To celebrate."
"I don't know, Mon…"
"Come on, it's your favorite place!"
"Yeah, but it's so expensive, and we don't have the money…"
"Correction, Chandler. You don't have the money. Besides for food and drinks, I haven't even spent my money. The reason you don't have any is because you spent a lot of it on tuxedoes, remember? My treat, to celebrate."
Chandler's smile grew wider. "Thanks, Mon. You truly are the greatest."
Monica shook her head. "No…"
"Really, you are."
"What about Rachel?" she asked, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice.
"Now now, Mon. Don't make me choose between you two!" He smiled. "Besides, You're the best friend. She's the best girlfriend."
"Chandler, how could you know? You've only known her for about two weeks."
"I just do, Mon. She's my soulmate, remember?"
"I remember." Her voice was barely a whisper now. Chandler stopped smiling.
"Is there something wrong?"
"No. No, I'm just so happy for you. I wish you a lifetime of happiness, Chandler. I mean it." She hugged him again, tighter this time. "And I know that now you will be. You have her. Rachel.
The walk to the restaurant was short. Monica and Chandler talked about anything that came to their mind, arguing about whose favorite movie was better, talking about the past, and just anything that they thought of at the moment. For a while it seemed like old times. They just talked, and Monica almost forgot about why they were even walking. Then he mentioned her again.
"Mon, you have no idea how incredible Rachel is," he told her. Monica's face fell.
"I don't?"
"No. You'll never meet anyone as wonderful as her."
"I already have," she murmured.
"Who?" he asked, apparently interested.
'You,' she wanted to say. Instead, she said, "You don't know the person." It was like that night on the plane.
"Oh, I remember. The one you've loved for so long?" he asked in barely a whisper. Monica nodded her head.
"Yeah. That's the one." She knew tears were about to follow, even before she felt them. Chandler stopped walking and hugged Monica.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it."
"No, Chandler. It's not your fault. I should be over him. But – it's so hard. I don't think I ever will. He's just so wonderful, Chandler," she sobbed into his chest.
"It'll be okay…"
"But you don't know that. It's not going to be okay. He's already with someone else."
"Does he love her?"
"I – I don't know yet. This may seem selfish, but I sure hope he doesn't." Suddenly Monica pulled away and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying like this…"
Chandler put his finger to her lips. "Shhh. It's okay. It's okay to cry, you should," he soothed her. Monica shook her head.
"I've been doing enough crying. By the way, why are we focusing on me? We should be celebrating the fact that you're with Rachel!" she choked out the words.
"No, we don't have to…"
"I insist." Monica forced a smile on her face and took both of his hands in hers. "I'm so happy for you."
Chandler smiled. "Thanks."
They sat at a booth, sipping hot chocolate, although it was above seventy degrees outside. It was Chandler's favorite drink. They sat in a silence that Monica couldn't define, couldn't put words to. It wasn't comfortable for her, but Chandler seemed easeful. She interrupted the utter stillness.
"So what happens if Rachel sees us together?" she asked, playing with her fingers.
"I'll tell her when I see her today that we're still going to be friends…"
"Chandler, you said we were dating for how long? Over a year? Wouldn't it be awkward for someone who's been dating for a year to see each other and not be together in that way?"
Chandler considered it for a moment. "Then we just can't let her see us together."
"What? Hey, I never suggested that…"
"Mon, I can't let her think I'm cheating on her!"
"Fine," she uttered, keeping her gaze away from his. "I'll pretend to not know you anymore, how's that?" Monica pushed her mug away from her, instead dropping it to the floor. It broke in a shatter and a piece got cut into Monica's ankle. She didn't even notice the physical pain. She stood up and walked away, not even alert that she was limping. Chandler went after her.
"Mon…"
But Monica just kept on walking, pretending she didn't hear him.
"Mon!" he tried again, but got the same response. "Mon!" he yelled, pulling her back. "What the hell was that? What's the matter?"
Monica tried to keep the tears from falling. "I don't know what you're talking about!" She tried to walk away again, but Chandler held her back.
"Tell me," he said sternly. Monica tightly shut her eyes.
"It's bad enough to have to go through what I am, but to pretend that I hate you?" she yelled right back at him.
"What are you talking about? What are you going through!?"
"What if she's not even your soulmate, Chandler? What then?" she asked, ignoring his last question.
"Why all of a sudden the change of heart?"
"Chandler, you will never know what I'm going through right now."
"Oh, is it just too hard for you to support your friend? Is it? Is it so hard to accept that finally I'm happy?"
"You don't even know what you're talking about!"
"I know more than you do. I know now that you don't support me anymore. You probably think this is just some kind of silly, childish game I'm playing, don't you? You- "
"Chandler, I want more than anyone for you to be happy. Believe me! I have gone through so much to make sure you end up happy! I – you know what? To hell with all that I'm feeling, okay? To hell with it! I'll just swallow up all I could, keep everything bottled up, and end it all for good and swallow a bottle of Tylenol! I would have done that a long time ago, Chandler. But you know the reason I never did? You, my best friend of ten years. So don't even try to tell me I don't want you to be happy!" She limped away, trying to wipe her tears.
And this time Chandler didn't follow.
To Be Continued…
Sorry this took SO long to post… I've been busy. Please review and tell me if you like it – I won't continue until I get some reviews!
