Chapter 11
A/N: I'd like to thank Emily(CarbyLuv) for heckling, badgering, and
generally harassing me into finishing this chapter. I couldn't have done it
without you ;).
"She was a wonderful woman. She knew how to make people smile, and she always had something nice to say about everyone. She was-"
"You know, I'm not dead yet, Carter," Weaver observed, and everyone burst into laughter.
Carter smiled good-naturedly. "I know, but we'll all miss you."
"And you're dead to us at County!" Susan remarked cheerfully, which sparked another round of laughter.
"Yup, dead as a doornail," Jerry agreed.
Abby entered the room. "What's so funny, guys?" she asked, looking at the "We'll Miss You Weaver" banner strung across the lounge.
"Um, nothing," Susan said. Everyone else was looking at the walls, the ceiling, anywhere but Abby.
"Okay people, until tomorrow I'm still in charge of this ER, so let's get back to work," Weaver said. The crowd quickly disbanded. In less than thirty seconds, the lounge was empty.
Abby sighed. "This is worse than when Eric was missing," she observed grimly. "Every time I come into a room, everybody stops talking."
"Well, everyone's worried about you. You know that."
"I know. But everyone's treating me like I'm made of glass. It's like they think if they tell a joke in my presence I'll self-destruct."
Carter smiled. "It'll get better, I promise. In a few months somebody else'll die and everybody will forget all about you." Then Carter realized how rude his comment was, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay," Abby said, attempting a smile. "When are you off?"
"In an hour. You?"
"Now. I just came in here to get my stuff." Abby walked over to her locker.
"I guess that means you won't wait for me?" Carter asked pitifully.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" Carter asked innocently.
"Make that sad little face, so I feel like Satan's accomplice if I don't wait for you."
Carter shrugged. "Well, if you wait for me, I'll take you out to lunch," he enticed.
Abby laughed. "How generous of you."
"So you'll wait for me?"
Abby shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not making any promises."
Chuny poked her head in the lounge. "Carter, Abby, we've got multiple MVA's coming in," she said.
"I'm off," Abby announced, snatching off her I.D. tag to prove her point. "But Carter isn't," she added smiling sweetly.
Carter pretended to be mad at her. "Thanks a lot, Abby," he said, trying to scowl. He got halfway out the door, then, "I'll buy you ice cream if you wait for me. Deal?"
Abby shrugged once again. Sighing loudly, Carter left the lounge.
Abby flopped down on the couch and thought about the words she had heard right before she entered the lounge. Dead as a doornail. What had they been talking about? She had no idea, but it was strange how even hearing the phrase brought tears to her eyes.
Dead as a doornail. Just like Maggie and Eric.
She had thought it would get easier. Everyone had said so, even the grief counselor Carter had forced her to see. "Over time, the pain will become less acute," the woman had said.
At the time, Abby had sardonically thought, Is she trying to impress me with her medical jargon? Abby had barely listened to the stream of words that seemed to flow out of the woman's mouth faster than water. Of course, that had been the very day after what Abby had come to think of as The Rooftop Encounter.
Abby's face burned with shame when she remembered the day. Had she really swung her legs off the edge of the roof and wondered how it would feel to fall? Had she really wished Carter would push her?
As hard to believe as it was, she knew it had happened, because she remembered it. That had been such a sad day. Everything had hurt so much; she just wanted the pain to stop.
She remembered how panicked Carter had been when they got back to her apartment. She thought he was annoying before; after that, he wouldn't even leave her side. He had practically dragged her to meetings with the grief counselor, the first of which had been spent in stony silence on Abby's part.
Had things gotten better? She really couldn't tell. It still hurt so bad to think about them, her family members who had thrown their lives away so carelessly. It was almost a physical pain, she was so conscious of their absence. And she couldn't look at an old family picture without crying. She missed them so much. She hadn't realized how much they meant to her until they were gone.
I guess it is a little easier now, she finally decided. At least now I don't want to throw myself off a roof. She shuddered when she imagined what would have happened to her if Carter hadn't followed her up to the roof.
I wouldn't be here right now, she realized. I would be with Maggie and Eric, wherever they are.
And I would be no better than them, she thought. In fact, I would be just like them. Selfish, not thinking about anyone but myself. Not caring how Carter would feel when he heard the sirens, when he saw the body. Not thinking about how everyone would feel when they found out I was dead, when they thought about what they could have done to help me. They would feel exactly like I felt when I read the letter: terribly, horribly guilty.
Would things ever be the same again? Abby didn't think they would. No matter how much time went by, she would always remember how much Maggie and Eric had meant to her, how much it hurt her when their lives were ripped away. She would never forget the happy times she had had with them, even Maggie.
But now, she could think about them without crying, as long as she didn't think about them for too long. They would always have a special place in her heart, but over the past few weeks, Abby had come to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could live without them.
"Ready to go?"
The voice jolted Abby out of her reverie. "What?" she asked, startled, looking up at Carter, who was standing over her.
"I didn't expect you to be waiting after all this time. I guess you really wanted that ice cream, huh?"
"I guess so," Abby said. Then, remembering his question, she said, "Yeah, I'm ready."
"Okay, let's go," Carter said, extending his hand. Abby took it, and she felt almost happy as they walked out of the ER doors arm in arm. Yep, she thought, things are gonna be okay.
THE END
A/N: Okay, enough Mr. Nice Guy. GET YOUR BUTT DOWN THERE AND HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON!!! Oh, and if you already did, ignore that last statement
"She was a wonderful woman. She knew how to make people smile, and she always had something nice to say about everyone. She was-"
"You know, I'm not dead yet, Carter," Weaver observed, and everyone burst into laughter.
Carter smiled good-naturedly. "I know, but we'll all miss you."
"And you're dead to us at County!" Susan remarked cheerfully, which sparked another round of laughter.
"Yup, dead as a doornail," Jerry agreed.
Abby entered the room. "What's so funny, guys?" she asked, looking at the "We'll Miss You Weaver" banner strung across the lounge.
"Um, nothing," Susan said. Everyone else was looking at the walls, the ceiling, anywhere but Abby.
"Okay people, until tomorrow I'm still in charge of this ER, so let's get back to work," Weaver said. The crowd quickly disbanded. In less than thirty seconds, the lounge was empty.
Abby sighed. "This is worse than when Eric was missing," she observed grimly. "Every time I come into a room, everybody stops talking."
"Well, everyone's worried about you. You know that."
"I know. But everyone's treating me like I'm made of glass. It's like they think if they tell a joke in my presence I'll self-destruct."
Carter smiled. "It'll get better, I promise. In a few months somebody else'll die and everybody will forget all about you." Then Carter realized how rude his comment was, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay," Abby said, attempting a smile. "When are you off?"
"In an hour. You?"
"Now. I just came in here to get my stuff." Abby walked over to her locker.
"I guess that means you won't wait for me?" Carter asked pitifully.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" Carter asked innocently.
"Make that sad little face, so I feel like Satan's accomplice if I don't wait for you."
Carter shrugged. "Well, if you wait for me, I'll take you out to lunch," he enticed.
Abby laughed. "How generous of you."
"So you'll wait for me?"
Abby shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not making any promises."
Chuny poked her head in the lounge. "Carter, Abby, we've got multiple MVA's coming in," she said.
"I'm off," Abby announced, snatching off her I.D. tag to prove her point. "But Carter isn't," she added smiling sweetly.
Carter pretended to be mad at her. "Thanks a lot, Abby," he said, trying to scowl. He got halfway out the door, then, "I'll buy you ice cream if you wait for me. Deal?"
Abby shrugged once again. Sighing loudly, Carter left the lounge.
Abby flopped down on the couch and thought about the words she had heard right before she entered the lounge. Dead as a doornail. What had they been talking about? She had no idea, but it was strange how even hearing the phrase brought tears to her eyes.
Dead as a doornail. Just like Maggie and Eric.
She had thought it would get easier. Everyone had said so, even the grief counselor Carter had forced her to see. "Over time, the pain will become less acute," the woman had said.
At the time, Abby had sardonically thought, Is she trying to impress me with her medical jargon? Abby had barely listened to the stream of words that seemed to flow out of the woman's mouth faster than water. Of course, that had been the very day after what Abby had come to think of as The Rooftop Encounter.
Abby's face burned with shame when she remembered the day. Had she really swung her legs off the edge of the roof and wondered how it would feel to fall? Had she really wished Carter would push her?
As hard to believe as it was, she knew it had happened, because she remembered it. That had been such a sad day. Everything had hurt so much; she just wanted the pain to stop.
She remembered how panicked Carter had been when they got back to her apartment. She thought he was annoying before; after that, he wouldn't even leave her side. He had practically dragged her to meetings with the grief counselor, the first of which had been spent in stony silence on Abby's part.
Had things gotten better? She really couldn't tell. It still hurt so bad to think about them, her family members who had thrown their lives away so carelessly. It was almost a physical pain, she was so conscious of their absence. And she couldn't look at an old family picture without crying. She missed them so much. She hadn't realized how much they meant to her until they were gone.
I guess it is a little easier now, she finally decided. At least now I don't want to throw myself off a roof. She shuddered when she imagined what would have happened to her if Carter hadn't followed her up to the roof.
I wouldn't be here right now, she realized. I would be with Maggie and Eric, wherever they are.
And I would be no better than them, she thought. In fact, I would be just like them. Selfish, not thinking about anyone but myself. Not caring how Carter would feel when he heard the sirens, when he saw the body. Not thinking about how everyone would feel when they found out I was dead, when they thought about what they could have done to help me. They would feel exactly like I felt when I read the letter: terribly, horribly guilty.
Would things ever be the same again? Abby didn't think they would. No matter how much time went by, she would always remember how much Maggie and Eric had meant to her, how much it hurt her when their lives were ripped away. She would never forget the happy times she had had with them, even Maggie.
But now, she could think about them without crying, as long as she didn't think about them for too long. They would always have a special place in her heart, but over the past few weeks, Abby had come to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could live without them.
"Ready to go?"
The voice jolted Abby out of her reverie. "What?" she asked, startled, looking up at Carter, who was standing over her.
"I didn't expect you to be waiting after all this time. I guess you really wanted that ice cream, huh?"
"I guess so," Abby said. Then, remembering his question, she said, "Yeah, I'm ready."
"Okay, let's go," Carter said, extending his hand. Abby took it, and she felt almost happy as they walked out of the ER doors arm in arm. Yep, she thought, things are gonna be okay.
THE END
A/N: Okay, enough Mr. Nice Guy. GET YOUR BUTT DOWN THERE AND HIT THE REVIEW BUTTON!!! Oh, and if you already did, ignore that last statement
