Chapter Eleven

Chandler shivered, looking around the dark room. Phoebe, Joey, and Ross were asleep, but the images in his mind kept him from joining them. He stirred, and sighed when he saw Phoebe wake up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Chandler whispered. Phoebe shook her head and sat up.

"No, it wasn't you." She stopped, then looked at Chandler sadly. "Why are you still up?"

"I can't fall asleep, no matter what." Chandler looked down to the floor.

"Why?"

"Whenever I close my eyes, I see what me and Monica used to be," he replied, tears in his eyes. "I see it, and I'm happy, right? Then I wake up, and I realize I'm in the hospital and she's dying. I hate that rush of reality."

Phoebe looked at Chandler and took his hand. He looked at her strangely, but she ignored the stare. "I know it's hard, Chandler. But we can only wait… nothing else."

Chandler stared ahead. "I know… but what if she does die?"

Phoebe shook her head. "Don't talk about that, Chandler. Don't even think it. We won't save her by thinking like that. We won't help ourselves, either."

"I know, I know. But… I just can't help the thought. What if I lose her? What then?" Chandler averted his eyes to Monica's door. "I can't lose her… I'll lose my best friend… my once in a lifetime friend." Chandler sighed and closed his eyes. "And you only find you once in a lifetime friend… once in a lifetime."

* * *

When Chandler was sure all three were fast asleep, he quietly stood up and went into Monica's room. He slowly walked over to her bed and gently kissed her forehead, making sure as not to hurt her. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and softly put her hand in his, gently stroking it.

"You used to sing to me when I couldn't sleep," Chandler whispered to Monica. "You have the most beautiful voice ever, and I loved hearing you sing. It lulled me to sleep right away." Chandler looked around, then back at Monica. "What was that song we used to sing?" Chandler slightly tightened his grip around Monica's hands. Chandler began humming.

"I'll – I'll reach out… my hand to you. I'll have faith in… all you do. Just - call my name, and I'll be there." Chandler's voice was light, in a whisper. "I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you. You know I'm so glad I found you. I'll be your strength, you wanna keep holding on…" Chandler stopped singing and bowed down his head.

"I sure miss doing that, Mon. But I'd never forget that song, not in a million years. And let me tell you, when I sang that with you, I meant it." Chandler let go of Monica's hand and stood up. He walked over to the small window and stood by it. He looked outside and down at the cabs and cars driving along the street.

"I thought you knew," he whispered. "I thought you knew."

Chandler walked back to Monica and took her hand once more. When he looked down at their intertwined fingers, he smiled. "Everything you are is everything to me."

He leaned his head and looked up at the ceiling, not once letting go of Monica's hand. Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * *

Just seeing her so fragile made him go weak in the knees. It was his first time seeing her – the only reason they let Chandler in was because he was desperate, and he didn't want to be more of a burden for the doctors. But he did want to see Monica… more than he ever thought he would.

Ross walked over to Monica and sat down in the one seat in the room. He hesitantly took her hand and looked at her.

"How'd this happen, little sis?" he whispered, tears welling in his eyes. He patted her hand and let out a shaky laugh. "How?"

He remembered all the times he wished Monica would just die. Either it was because she was too much of a neat freak, or she told him not to do something he wanted because she said it was best for him, or because she brought up something from the past that he just didn't want to remember.

But he didn't want her to die.

There were so many things he never told her – like how she was the best sister anyone could ask for, or how he knew that she really did mean the best for him, or how much he loved her.

She didn't know anything he wanted to tell her, because he was so stupid in thinking she'd always be around.

"Don't let us down," Ross continued. "Don't let us down, not now, not when we need you the most."

Ross played with her fingers for a few minutes, deep in thought.

"I'm supposed to protect you… I'm you're big brother." Ross sighed. "I guess I really failed at that, huh?" He looked out the window, trying to think clearly. "Mom and dad favored me… I won't deny it. But I don't know why. You were always the better one. While I was whining about something, you were looking at the bright side. While I was fooling around, you were getting the job done. While I did nothing for you, you did everything for me." Ross's eyes fell to the floor. "And I'm sorry. I know you can't hear me, but I'm sorry."

"Don't die."

* * *

The days went by slowly. Not one day did it rain, but the four didn't notice. To them, the skies were gray and there was no sun. People came in and out of the ER, but the same people didn't stay longer than a day. Here they were, staying there for two weeks, and nothing changed. There was no sign of recovery for Monica, and she still hasn't woken up. Instead of 24 hours, it felt like each day held 250 hours. The minutes just dragged by, and no one knew what to do next. There wasn't anything they could do.

Just knowing that at any minute Monica could die sent shivers up Chandler's spine. He never thought of the fact that he'd have to live without her, and now that reality towed in, he didn't want to. Life without Monica wouldn't be living…

And it wasn't fair that Monica was being taken her life… before she ever really started living.

* * *

"This food tastes like cardboard," Chandler heard a nearby woman complain. "And this juice is sour."

Chandler shook his head, looking at Ross, Joey, and Phoebe. They just shrugged and rolled their eyes, so Chandler began picking at the hospital food again. No one said anything. No had anything to say. All of them were thinking of Monica, but no one wanted to bring her up. Chandler looked over at the people sitting next to them again.

"I'm not eating this junk. I'm going to die if I have another bite," the same woman said, standing up and throwing away her food. Chandler stood up and followed the woman, clenching his fists. When the woman tried to pass him, Chandler stood in her way.

"Excuse me," the woman said, trying to be polite, but annoyance dripping from her voice.

"No, excuse me," Chandler replied, his voice brimmed with hatred. "Can you just – for a second, open your mind?"

The woman stood back, looking offended, but Chandler didn't care. "Here you are, complaining about your food, while, for two weeks, the reason I'm living is dying. So just shut up and see just how much you have in life."

Chandler walked away and out of the hospital cafeteria, his body stiff. He walked over to Monica's room, walked in, and kneeled beside Monica's bed. He put his head to the bed, reaching for Monica's hand. He heard his friends walk into the room, but he didn't lift his head or even acknowledge them.

"What's up, Chandler? What was that about?" Phoebe asked, breaking the silence. Chandler slowly lifted his head, looking tiredly at Phoebe.

"What?" He heard the splatter of rain begin, and he heard the drum of the thunder. But he ignored it, trying to feel Monica.

"Why did you just snap at that lady?" Ross asked, asking the question for Phoebe. Chandler's eyes looked empty – dead. There was no life to them… all of that was sucked away from him the minute Monica got hurt.

"You don't get it, do you?" Chandler whispered, trembling.

"Get what?"

"I did this to her." He averted his eyes back to Monica's bloody, cut-up body and stroked her hair. "And for the past two weeks, I can't stop thinking of that. If I never let her go, or if I was a better friend, or if I came sooner-"

"Don't blame yourself. Don't you dare blame yourself, Chandler," Ross said, his voice hard.

"It's my fault, and we all know it!" Chandler yelled. He stood up and looked at them. "You guys can't deny it anymore! Monica's going to die because of me! She did this because of me! Me, her best friend! I did this to her!" Chandler looked at the floor, ignoring anything that came to his mind. He looked back up with tears in his eyes. "And I can't live knowing I did this to her. She would have been better off if she never met me. I can't live with that fact."

Chandler walked out of the room, and the three followed closely behind. Chandler sat in a chair, and so did the other three. None of them said anything… mostly because every single one of them thought what Chandler said in the first place.

They blamed Chandler, too.

* * *

The pelting, pouring rain soaked Chandler, but he didn't move. He stared ahead, no bothering to notice the strange looks he received when people passed by. A crack of thunder was heard, and a blot of lighting shot through the sky, but Chandler stood still.

"Kill me," he muttered under his breath, looking up at the skies. "Just kill me." He put his hands up to the skies, and looked up, swallowing any water that went into his mouth. "Kill me!" he yelled once more, tears mixing in with the rain. He broke down to the floor and let the mud beneath him cover his jeans. "I did this to her, I don't deserve to live." Chandler shook his head, knowing he was doing nothing to help himself or Monica.

But that didn't stop his mind from thinking it, or the heart from feeling it.

Slowly, Chandler stood from his spot and walked over to the door. When he walked into the ER with muddy jeans, soaked clothes, and disheveled hair, people turned their heads and looked at him. He shrugged them off and walked over to Monica's room, falling into a chair in front of the door. He buried his head in his hands and quivered. No one was around him, and he was glad for that.

You bastard, he thought to himself, how could you do this to her? You're selfish. You're hateful. You're cynical. You're malicious.

Chandler shook his head, trying to think of more important things than listing the reasons Monica would be better off without him. He looked up and saw Phoebe come over to him. When she sat down next to him, Chandler looked away, avoiding eye contact. Phoebe took Chandler's hand and squeezed it.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, her voice low. Chandler simply shrugged, still looking away from her. Without saying anything, Chandler stood up and walked down the hall and to the elevator. Without a second glance, he walked into the elevator, looking at Phoebe as the doors close.

"I'm not holding up, I'm falling apart."

* * *

The pain was immense. It felt as if her wrists burned a hole through her flesh, her chest was ripping apart, and her arms were falling off. Her mouth was so dry, she felt dehydrated. Her eyes could barely open, but the heavy, lead-like eyelids finally opened. For an unknown reason, her head furiously pounded, preventing her from thinking clearly.

But she was alive. With all of her strength and energy, Monica took a deep breath.

"Cha… nd… ler?"

* * *

The buzz of doctors and nurses going from inside and outside of Monica's room caused Joey and Ross to speed up. When they reached Phoebe, they saw that her face was upbeat.

"What's going on?" Ross asked, practically yelling above all the noise. Phoebe skipped up and down, a wide grin lighting her face.

"Monica woke up!" she yelled, throwing her hands into the air. Ross and Joey instantly cracked a grin. The three walked inside the room and tried to catch a glimpse of Monica, but doctors surrounded her. But they didn't care, as long as she was awake.

It was all going so quickly and it was all so surreal that they didn't even notice Chandler wasn't there.

* * *

Chandler walked into the empty room and looked around it. An empty bed lie in the left corner, and unhooked wires and turned-off machines lie around it. Chandler sat on the hard, uncomfortable bed and sighed. He stood up and walked over to the one window in the room, looking down at the concrete below. He was at the highest floor, and there was barely anyone up that high. He slowly opened the window and sat on the edge of it, dangling one foot outside the window.

You did this to her… so you pay.

Chandler lifted both legs so they were dangling outside the window. He lifted his hands, ready to jump.

To be continued…

I'm so, so, so sorry it took so long! I've still been very busy, so I didn't have much time to write. I'm also sorry if you were disappointed by the chapter… I tried to make it the best that I could. I also realize that it took a while for Monica to wake up, but I didn't want to rush it all and cram it in one chapter. Well, if you liked it, review and tell me. If you didn't, review and tell me. If you want me to continue, you need to tell me to continue!