Armageddon was upon them. They could see the portal opening to the maw of chaos and expected slow and painful dismemberment (that's unlike pleasant dismemberment, you know) to come at any moment. It was time to go to school.
"I don't wannnnnnaaaaa goooo!" Dante wailed.
Saori pulled on his arm. "MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY FREAKIN' DAY?!!"
Kenta stood in the corner, dutifully ignoring them. He massaged a bruise on his chest.
They had spent the better part of Sunday night with their new obsession. Cue the flashback.
"Why is the room spinning like that?" Dante asked.
Begin flashback.
They had started the second level, and Kenta looked fearful. "Query: what is that dreadful moaning?" he asked, voice shaking.
Saori, caught in the throes of evil, could do nothing more than cackle maniacally.
Enter the zombie.
"OH MY SWEET JESUS!" Kenta shrieked. He froze, his eyes bulging halfway out of their sockets and his hands morphed into grotesque claws.
"Uh-oh, I think he's dead," Dante said. He made imaginary defibrillators with his fists. "Clear!" he yelled, punching Kenta in the chest.
Kenta, gasping and sweating, clutched his chest. "I—you—what?"
End flashback.
"I hesitate to interrupt, but we will be tardy if we delay any longer," Kenta said, maintaining eye contact with the wall.
With one final yank Saori managed to pull Dante from his hiding spot underneath the couch. "There!" she said, panting, hands on her knees. She straightened, assuming a superhero (or is that supervillain?) pose. "Ha ha! You are nothing compared to me! Bow down before my ultimate superiority!"
Dante gulped. "On second thought, I do want to leave now!" He grabbed Kenta by the hand and pulled him out the door.
Saori stopped her evil-overlord laughter when she realized she was alone in Dante's living room. "Hey, you will wait for me!" she yelled, flying out the door.
The bell for first period rang as the trio ran through the halls of the high school. "Shoot! We're late!" Saori said, carefully avoiding words that would land her in detention. "This is all your fault, you idiot!"
Dante had a crafty smile on his face. "Don't worry, I've got a foolproof plan." He strode gallantly into the classroom, the other two following him.
Ms. Maro, the English teacher, looked at them expectantly. "So you finally decided to join us, I take it?"
Dante cleared his throat. "You see," he began earnestly, "we were saving an infant from a burning building using nothing but a pencil and a pair of underpants."
"Dante, I didn't believe you the first time you tried that excuse."
"But you believe me this time, right?"
"Um, no."
Dante snapped his fingers. "Walnuts! I knew I should have said it was aliens!"
The three sat down in their usual seats, Saori behind Dante and Kenta to Dante's right.
"Here are your Hamlet tests," Maro said, rustling a stack of papers. "Most were pretty good, but some of you disappointed me. And just for reference," she said, glancing at Dante, "the main character in Hamlet is not Othello. Oh, why do I even bother?"
Dante turned, giving Saori a sharp look. When she opened her mouth to laugh, Dante was half-expecting—no, fully expecting—to see a pair of fangs. (A/N: That's some wicked metanoia, ho ho! Woo! All these narrative devices are making me dizzy.) "But you said—"
"Try reading it yourself next time," she said, shrugging.
Maro gave them their tests.
Saori jabbed Dante in the back with her pencil. "I got an A. What did you get, Othello?"
Dante flipped his paper over. "Humph. You're a meanie."
"Boo hoo. Go cry me a river."
Next to them, Kenta briefly admired his A+ before hiding the paper from their view.
"Now that that's over," the teacher said, "we begin the exciting world of review for the Advanced Placement exam!"
The class groaned in unison…except for Kenta, who was quietly fiddling with some paper clips. There was something about them that was just so curved…and silver…and bendy.
"The first section entails close reading of several passages, followed by multiple choice questions. I'll give you a handout of the narrative devices you'll need to know. You should try not to spend too much time on any one question…"
Dante blinked slowly. It was sooo boring. He felt his head start to nod. He jerked it back up, blinking. He had to stay awake. Maro had never given anyone a detention before, but if she were to give one it would be for him. He had to focus. His mind ran through a list of fun things to think about, finally settling on Thief. Garrett, Keepers, swords. I only wish real life was this interesting…wait, I think I'm getting a light bulb here…I'll pretend I'm Garrett! Hee hee. He waved his pencil around. Fear my mighty sword! Swish swish, goes the sword. The wheels on the bus go—no! Mustn't get sidetracked. Okay. I live in the City. I am a master thief. Hey, thieves don't go to school! Hmm…but Garrett went to the Keeper's Compound! Oh, but I am good.
"Dante!" the teacher said, making her student jump. "Well?" She narrowed her eyes.
Uh-oh, Spaghettios. She asked me something. About the test, probably. Hmm…Advanced Placement…AP…ape…Planet of the Apes…Statue of Liberty…torch…fire…glow…rhymes with— "No."
Maro blinked. "Right, you shouldn't guess. You lose 1/4 of a point for every wrong answer. And here I thought you weren't listening."
"Heh heh," he chuckled weakly.
Saori was also thinking about Thief, but she had the presence of mind to not stare dreamily into space like Dante the Airhead. She was running the levels through her gamer's mind, plotting the most efficient course.
Kenta always stared dreamily into space, so Maro paid him no heed.
After precisely 42 minutes of relentless torture (that's French for torture!), the prisoners—er, students—were set free to roam the halls.
A rogue elbow hit Saori in the side. A skinny, terrified freshman stepped on her foot. Shoulders rigid, Saori grabbed the little freshman by the collar. She brought his trembling face close to her own. "You wanna get out of my way?" she breathed with more power than if she had shouted.
"Eee," the freshman squeaked.
Dante looked around, nervous. "Come on now, don't kill the little one. Not in public, anyway."
Saori set the dizzy, half-fainting boy on his way, and everything would have been fine, if not for the football player and cheerleader tongue-wrestling right in front of her. She tightened her grip on a chunk of concrete that she had been carrying around for no good reason, crumbling it into dust.
Dante covered Kenta's eyes. "Don't watch, this won't be pretty."
Saori sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. She let it back out in a hiss. She tapped the two offenders on the shoulder and smiled at them benevolently. "Get the HELL out of my way, dickheads! The LAST thing I want to see is you two swapping spit! Get a freakin' room!"
The two lovebirds stared at her, not comprehending.
"Hello?! Stop the PDA's ere I take my sword to you!"
Kenta tugged on Dante's sleeve. "What is a PDA, if you please?"
"A Personal Digital Assistant."
"Ah."
The couple threw Saori a few weird looks before retreating.
Saori relaxed. She turned, flashing her teeth at Dante and Kenta. "Victory is mine!"
"Hurrah," Dante said.
"You possess an interesting method of persuasion," Kenta noted.
"I have cleared the way. Now, to second period," Saori said.
"But I wanna go hoooommmmme," Dante cried pitifully.
A vein in Saori's forehead started throbbing.
Kenta sighed.
There were eight periods left.
Author's Notes:
Metanoia: qualifies a statement by recalling it (or part of it) and expressing it in a better, milder, or stronger way.
If any of you have seen the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Doctor Tinker Tenor Spy," you'll know what's going to happen to Dante. [insert evil laughter]
Advanced Placement tests, as Dante would say, suck like a vacuum. Ah, the joy of torturing characters. They deserve it.
I have a limited time offer: review and I'll give you a chunk of concrete and a paperclip. Mmm…paperclip…I dunno, I got nothin'.
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