A few periods later our heroes want to computer class. It was Dante's favorite class, for as he often said, "Paper is not made for writing on! Paper is made for wiping asscracks!"

Right…anyway, everyone was supposed to be working on the assignment. Kenta, like the timid sheep that he was, was dutifully working away. Saori and Dante, like the bad-@$$ punks that they were, were instead surfing the internet and instant messaging each other.

Randomosity (Dante): i tink we shoudl brring in theif dan play it duting thi sclass

Katana (Saori): dare you to do it!

Randomosity: umm.....nevar mind

Katana: WEENIE!

Randomosity: :'(

Randomosity: looku maked me cry

Katana: :) my work here is done

Randomosity: sooo....whatcha doin/?

Katana: looking for thief cheats

Randomosity: mmm....chaets.......

Katana: go away, i'm busy

And Dante did go away. For a while. Only knowing that he didn't want to do work, he wandered aimlessly around the internet, looking for anything exciting about Thief. And boy did he find something.

Randomosity: omg i fownd teh best thimg evar!!1!

Katana: what the hell do you want now?

Randomosity: theres thi sthief site w/alll this mews an shtuff amit taslk abuot dis cunnvension in los vegges!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!11111 isnt taht so sweeeeet??????

Katana: fer chrissakes, i can't dundersntand anything youd jsut said/!!! fsck, now you geot me doin it!!

Very carefully, Dante typed: I am at a site with much Thief news, and it talks about a convention in Las Vegas. A Thief convention. In VEGAS!

Katana: when?

Randomosity: SPRING BREAK WOOOOO!!!11!!!

Katana: we are going. period. get kenta, wouldja?

Dante threw erasers at Kenta until Kenta turned around. Dante mimed instant messaging (how, I don't know) until Kenta got the point.

Kenta (Kenta): Hello.

Katana: what an original screen name.....

Kenta: Have you two already finished the assignment? You must be efficient workers.

Katana: forget it, would you! dante, tell him

Randomosity: ROAD TRIP WOOOOOT!

Kenta: I beg your pardon?

Katana: we're going to a thief convention during spring break

Randomosity: its in VEGAS, baby, YEAH!

Kenta: I was unaware Thief had a sufficient following to warrant a fan convention.

Randomosity: live is fun ny that whay

Katana: and you're going too, so......

Randomosity: pack yo bags, crickee1!

Kenta: I will ask my parents for permission. During what days does the convention take place?

Randomosity: looking

Randomosity: teh fryday and wekend rite be4 break ends

Katana: good, it'll take us most of the week just to drive out there

I should mention that our heroes lived in an obscure part of Ohio.

Randomosity: ROAD TRIP!!

Katana: we get it, shut up

Kenta: Very well. That sounds like it could be a pleasurable excursion. I will make arrangements for accommodations.

The conversation continued, Kenta and Saori making plans and Dante periodically interjecting "ROAD TRIP, WOO!" With all the excitement in the air, Kenta was the only one of the three to get the work done.

* * *

A few more periods later, during archaeology class, our intrepid heroes were sitting at a table along with one of those so-called "normal kids." The teacher, Mr. Yukaguro, was giving them instruction sheets on their next project. "As you can see," he said, "everyone at your table will be working together to invent a new civilization. Each person will be responsible for a certain aspect of the culture. One person will focus on religion, another on language, another on government…"

Our heroes, of course, weren't paying any attention at all to what he was saying. What Yukaguro said next, though, snapped them from their stupor. "This assignment will be due the Monday after spring break."

Dante's work-avoidance system kicked into gear. "But I can't do work over spring break!"

"You don't do work anyway," Saori said under her breath.

Mr. Yukaguro frowned. He didn't have Ms. Maro's sense of humor. Or patience. "Do what you like, but know this: you will be graded as a team. If one of you does not do the work, all of you will pay the price."

"Can I switch tables?" the "normal" kid, Jim, asked.

"No. You have the rest of the week to start working, so get busy." He went back to his desk, the cue for everyone to start talking (and working…theoretically).

Saori angrily drummed her fingers on the table. "This sucks!" she said.

"Like a black hole," Dante chimed in.

"Shut up."

"Shutting up."

"The situation is not hopeless," Kenta said. "We do have a total of two weeks to complete our objectives."

"But one of the weeks is SPRING BREAK!" Dante wailed. "Why me?" he cried, hugging Saori's arm.

"Because you deserve it," Saori said, peeling his hands off her arm. "And don't touch me."

Normal Guy Jim, with a healthy (and understandable) amount of amazement, watched them interact. He tapped his pen on the table. "So, uh, what should the basis for the civilization be?"

"Who the hell are you?" Saori asked, noticing he was there for the first time.

"I'm Nor—er, Jim."

"Hello, Jim. Shut up, Jim."

"The curvature of this paperclip is fascinating," Kenta said.

"This is too much friggin' work," Saori said, glaring at the offending assignment sheet. "Let's just copy stuff from something else."

Dante, for reasons unbeknownst to everyone, was humming the Ewok celebration song from the end of Return of the Jedi. "Hey, let's make a Star Wars civilization! Or Star Trek!"

"Yeah, but isn't it supposed to be an original culture?" poor, normal Jim asked.

Saori stroked her chin thoughtfully. "We need a more obscure model," she said, "or Yukaguro will know about it…bastard."

(A/N: In case you haven't yet figured it out—and please tell me that you have—they decided to model their civilization after Thief. Why? Because this is a Thief story. And because I say so. The latter reason is, naturally, way more important than the former. Fear my Mighty Powers of Narration!)

"Thief? What's Thief?" a bemused Jim asked.

"In accordance with my observations thus far, I have deduced that—" Kenta began.

"Ohit'sthisreallycoolgamewithzombiesandswordsandathiefofcourseandlotsofguardsthatchaseyouandiftheycatchyoutheyhackyouupintolittlepiecesbutwehaven'tfinishedthegameyetbecausewekeepgettingerrorssoIdon'tknowwhattherestislikebutI'llletyouknowifyouwantafterwedoormaybeyoucouldjustbuythegameyourselfbecauseIthinkyou'dlikeitandit'sreallysweet!" Dante speed-rapped before collapsing, tongue hanging out like that of a dog left in the sun too long.

Jim didn't know quite what to make of that. "Okay…" he said slowly. "But I don't know anything about that. Why don't we just make up our own society?"

Kenta shook his head. "Saori has decided what we are to do. To argue would be an exercise in futility."

"Indeed," Saori said, glaring and snapping a mechanical pencil into tiny pieces.

"You're gonna listen to what she says?" Jim said. "She's nuts!"

The incident that followed has been omitted by the Powers that Be for graphic violence, strong language, and maybe some nudity. In any case, the outcome was inevitable: Saori, Dante, Kenta, and Normal Guy Jim got their arses dragged out of the classroom by Mr. Yukaguro. Now they sat on a bench in front of the principal's office, nervously twiddling their thumbs and waiting for a summons to enter the Realm of Utter Evil (that's different from the Realm of Udder Evil, which is some kind of hell for cows).

Kenta looked at the others. "I currently possess a sense of unease."

"Maybe it's the 'Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!' sign above the door," Dante said.

"I see no such sign."

"Never mind."

Minutes passed. No one spoke. Dante could feel the pressure building from the silence. His heartbeat seemed painfully loud. He fidgeted. How can they just sit there? he wondered. The boringnessit's too much! It felt like his heart was pounding in his ears. Thud-THUMP, thud-THUMP. His palms were sweating. I have to break the silence! Say something! Anything! Thud-THUMP, thud-THUMP. My mouth's not working! Someone help me! Wait, they can't hear me. Or CAN they?! No. Ee-oo-ee-oo-waaaaa!!! Oh, maybe I should OPEN my mouth. That could help. Yes it could. Why won't anyone talk?? They're trying to drive me insane! It's not just paranoia this time! Imustbreaksilence! Here I go! He opened his mouth, still unsure of what to say. Say something say something say something SAY SOMETHING! "I'm gay with myself." Whoa, that wasn't what I was expecting.

Saori had been leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. "We knew it all along," she said without moving so much as an eyelid.

Jim held up his hands. "Hey, that's a little too much information there, buddy!"

Kenta, lost in the mystical world of paperclips and fluffy bunnies, hadn't heard Dante's announcement. He continued to play with his office supplies in ignorant bliss.

Dante relaxed, now that the monotony had been vanquished. All hands, this is the captain. The warp core breach has been successfully averted. Everyone report to the mess hall. Drinks are on the house! Or maybe I should say they're on the STARSHIP! Ahahahahaha! Oh, I crack myself up.

"This is all your fault, you know," Jim said to Saori.

That was the wrong thing to say. As Saori started to get up to go rip Jim's head off, Dante pulled on her arm. He waved a hand in front of her face. "You WILL sit down now."

Saori slapped his hand away. "Fool! Your mind tricks will not work on me!" But she sat back down, exhausted from the previous battle.

At that moment, the door to the office creaked open. Harsh, white light blinded them. "ENTER!" a voice boomed.

Eyes squinting and legs trembling, they obeyed.

Principal Rasark, a tall, thin man dressed entirely in black leather, sat in the throne behind his desk. "Sit down," he said in a voice way too deep for his slight frame. After they complied he said, "Now tell me what happened."

Dante spoke before the others could. "The dry-erase markers were making us hallucinate, not to mention—"

"I want the TRUTH!" Rasark said in his Darth Vader voice.

"You can't HANDLE—" Dante began before one look from Rasark assured him that the principal could indeed handle the truth. "Uh…I plead the fifth?"

"You don't pick things up easily, do you?"

"I really should lift with my knees, not my back."

"It's all her fault," Jim said, pointing at Saori. "She attacked me for no reason!"

Saori whipped her head toward him, hair flying. "WHAT! Dost thou prate, rogue?!" She lunged at him, going for the jugular.

Rasark was forced to separate them. He sat back down, frowning severely. "I will not tolerate insubordination, young lady. You will be serving a three-day in-school suspension starting tomorrow."

Saori was shooting daggers at the principal with her eyes. Her nails dug into the armrests until they tore the upholstery. She whispered death threats under her breath.

Rasark ignored her. "Jim and Dante, you will both serve three after-school detentions. As for you, Kenta, I'm not quite sure why you're even here."

"Guilt by association!" Dante said.

Rasark shrugged. "That's good enough for me. Three detentions for you, too. Now all of you, get out of my sight! You make me sick!"

The four left the office, the principal's sadistic laughter still ringing in their ears. At least our heroes had the convention to look forward to…


Author's Notes:

Note to self: have Dante take typing lessons…

Fun fact: Rasark's name rearranged is Karras. Oh, the humanity!

You've probably noticed already, but I really like the phrase "intrepid heroes." I don't know why…

¬__¬