They are the poster children. And yet, how I envy their simple joys, the way they don't let their issues interfere with happiness. Jamie and all her groupies are such DLA's-Daddy's Little Angels. Ha! Here I am, rambling in slang from one of my various former schools; sometimes I really am pathetic. In fact, I am quite pathetic by most people's standards. But they do not pity me because of what I really am, but because of the poor starving, light-deprived creature they think they see.

As we walked down to the Great Hall for the morning meal, I thought about Maedel. Why does she bother? What is her motivation? I can't understand her, her concern for others, for the environment, for me. What good does it do her? What does she gain? Nothing, she gets nothing from sticking her neck out for others' and others' business, except perhaps getting her head cut off. "I stick my neck out for no one," says the famous line from Casablanca. Not many here I've seen are interested in that type of film, but I've watched it many a time. It is one of the best of the genre in a classic sense. The line very much applies to me; I don't take risks for others' benefit unless there is something definite, tangible, and profitable in it for me. Why should I? Why should she? And what right does she have to do so?

At "brekkie" as the little British prep school girls call it, I made my final decision. Tonight, I would end it all-all the hopelessness, all the grief, all the concern over my mental heath and the thinking and the pills and the hardships, everything. It's almost as if I'm watching myself pretend to live, and I can't wait to see how it all ends.

I get a rush of anticipation and a thrill of adrenaline whenever I think about it. It's not at all surprising to me that I have no fear of death, even of my own. I never really saw any point to living, and it will all be over soon enough anyway. I don't want to have too many regrets in my life, and I will have many less if I simply go now. I could always relate to the title of a musical I once heard about, Stop the World-I Want to Get Off! I know I can't take this anymore, the loneliness, the guilt, the worries, the lies, the pain; tomorrow I won't be able to feel any of it. Will there be a tomorrow for me? Could it be one life means nothing at all? My escape tonight will be relieving. I plan to attempt to enjoy my last day of so- called life.

Classes began normally enough: Plant Sciences and History in the morning, Chemistry after dinner and then a study hall free period before supper. During Science we did nothing out of the ordinary, working with a couple of dangerous new crossbreeds of plants with medical powers.

My ability to work with demonic plants comes naturally, I rarely need help and do well on my own, feeding off the plants' energy as they feed off the sun coming through the greenhouse panels. History was mind-numbingly boring, a class lacking anything at all interesting or appealing sounding. Even carnage. Now I sit alone, eating a quick luncheon of veal before disappearing into the library to study more- what shall I say?-"exciting" chemistry before classes begin again.