Disclaimer: No characters present in this story – as of yet – are my own.  They all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien; as do place names.  This story takes place during the events of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I'm merely adding different elements…

Warnings: This is slash, and the relationship portrayed is between two cousins.  A relationship of this kind may or may not be legal or "right" in your beliefs or the legal system of your country/state.  If you are not comfortable with this, then please don't read it.  Worse, reading a piece of writing and then flaming it purely because of its theme or pairings is immature and pointless, and a waste of everybody's time.  If you are not comfortable with male/male relationships, please click the "back" button on your browser now.

Rating: This story is a PG-13.  There will be scenes of a passionate nature.  Nothing, however, shall be shown graphically; and there will be no sex scenes.  Kissing will be as much as will be shown, though more may be implied.  There is no objectionable language.  There may be slight violence later, but only against "bad guys" – i.e. orcs and goblins etc.  Again, there will be nothing graphic.

Thanks: I'd like to thank one or two people for their priceless help with this story: firstly Artemis Astralstar, who provided unwavering support and suggestions and went through each chapter with a fine-toothed comb to sort out my – many – grammatical mistakes and helped with the plot. If there are any more mistakes, they'll be my silly fiddling after the beta-reader's returned the work…  Secondly, thanks is deserved to all my reviewers on all my stories!  You really keep me posting here.  Lastly, I'd like to dedicate this story to a very special friend – Georgina, this is all for you.

Summary: "I love a boy.  I love an innocent who's barely older than a child.  I love my cousin…  I loathe myself, because of how wrong it is for me to love you like I do.  But when I'm with you, there's no right or wrong.  There's only you: Peregrine, Pippin, Pip, the one I'd die for and the one who through all the doubt and self-hatred keeps me alive."  Slash.  Can Merry finally admit his feelings?  And will Pippin ever be able to accept him for them?  The perception of what is right and wrong changes from person to person…

Now all that's done, on with the story!  Please read and review, constructive criticism welcomed!

Just A Child Chapter One

Sometimes there is no right.  And there is no wrong.

-----  You're so beautiful, so sweet, so kind and so dear.  We're best friends.  We have been for all our lives.  My life before you were born was empty.  Now, we're almost one person.  We can guess the other's thoughts; we can finish each other's sentences.  When you smile, everything's all right.  When you're sad, I would give up anything to make it all right.  When you're afraid, I'd fight anything in the world to make you safe again.

You trust me with all of your childish secrets, your innocent apprehensions and surprises.  I trust you with my heart and soul every time I lie alone at night and whisper a thousand times into the empty air, I love you, trying to make myself brave enough to tell you to your face.  I love a boy.  I love an innocent who's barely older than a child.  I love my cousin.

If they knew, they'd berate me with how wrong it is, ostracize me, hate me, and say I would harm you – as if I ever would hurt you whom I love more than life!  So I can't tell them, and I especially can't tell you.  I can't ruin our friendship.  When I'm on my own, I loathe myself, because of how wrong it is for me to love you like I do.

But when I'm with you, there's no right or wrong.  There's only you: Peregrine, Pippin, Pip, the one I'd die for and the one who through all the doubt and self-hatred keeps me alive.  -----

***

'You're too young, Pip; you stay here, look after the place with Freddy.'  Merry's eyes were kind, and filled with concern, and he laid a hand on the younger hobbit's shoulder comfortingly.  'It isn't all that great to go anyway, is it?  Traipsing off to Mordor, to do who knows what…'  Please don't argue.  Don't make it harder on me.

Pippin scowled, and shrugged his cousin's hands away.  'I want to go, Merry, and I will go!'  He hated how he sounded, petulant and spoilt, but maybe that was the only way to get his point of view across strongly enough for it to make any difference.  'I hate being told I'm too young.  I'm not that much younger than you!  Eight years, Merry, that's all.'

Meriadoc didn't look convinced, and hurt lingered in his eyes at the sharp words.  'Pippin, I know you hate me saying this, but you're only eighteen.  I can't let you come with us.  You're not of age.  I would hate myself forever if you came with us and then…' he gulped, and a shadow passed over his eyes, 'something happened to you and you got hurt, or even killed.'  He passed a hand over his eyes to clear the horrible images that played in his mind: Pippin, his beloved cousin, lying beaten and bruised on the ground…  Pippin, his life's blood seeping from some deep wound…  Peregrine Took died a thousand deaths in terrible detail behind his eyes.  Merry wanted to draw the young hobbit into a close embrace, but he could see that Pippin was bristling with anger.  Instead he settled for searching for the teenager's soul in his eyes.  Do you know how much you mean to me?  Why can't you understand that I leave you here for your own good, and that I myself do not wish to go, but must for Frodo's sake?  Can't you comprehend the fact that I love you so much more than I should?  And why can't my words make you realize?

Pippin's jaw trembled.  'But you're allowed to go and get yourself hurt?  It's just me who'll stay here, because I'm the youngest, the smallest, the weakest, the little child.'  His voice was made ugly by the sarcasm, and his eyes flamed with some terrible rage that was hard to incite in hobbits.  'Fine, Merry.  Tell you what; you go off on your Quest, if it's so important to you.  You run off with Frodo and Sam and have a great time together, just the three of you, and then for all I care you can go and get yourself killed in some battle somewhere, or die of starvation!'  The last comment was the most severe he could think of, and he regretted it as soon as it was said.  The idea of Merry dying horrified him, and at the nightmarish thought he instantly burst into tears.

Meriadoc's face creased with worry instantly, and without hesitating he moved forward, bare feet tickled by the grass, and drew Pippin into a close, stifling embrace.  He found that he was crying too, of hurt and grief and love all at once, and salt-water tears were falling down his face and into Pippin's fair hair.  The slim body in his arms was wracked by sobs.  Once again, Merry found himself thinking he wanted to hold his young friend all his life, and further, into eternity.

'I didn't mean it, Merry, I'm sorry,' choked Pippin into Merry's shirt, gasping for breath and clinging tight to the most comforting person in his life for support.  And Merry was always, always there when he needed help.  Pippin knew that Merry would die for him.  'I don't want you to die.  Please don't go, please, Merry, I don't want you to, don't leave me alone…'

'Hush, love.  Don't cry, Pip, please don't cry,' soothed Merry, his heart breaking to know that Pippin would never know he meant "love" in anything more than a brotherly way.  He reached up a hand to smooth the shorter hobbit's hair, turning the simple touch into a reassuring caress.  It was something he had done to the younger hobbit since he was just a little boy, and the affect on Pippin was nearly instant: his sobs quieted, and he became still, his chest rising and falling slowly.

There was silence for a while in the field just a little way from Bag End.  The pair of young lads did not speak a word to each other, merely enjoyed the feel of the other close and warm.  Pippin listened to the steady beating of Merry's heart in his chest, just as entranced as his older cousin who listened to Pippin's own breathing.  Merry's hand was still stroking Pippin's head and neck soothingly when he spoke again.  'I'm just worried for you, Pip.  And I don't want to leave you, either – I want to stay here by your side.  I'd like to think you need me, and I know for sure that I need you.'  You're so beautiful, he thought as he continued to caress the younger boy's head.  The most wonderful thing I have ever seen.

'Let me come with you, Merry,' begged Pippin, stepping back a little to look into the other hobbit's eyes pleadingly.  His own gaze was so open, so innocent that it nearly broke Meriadoc's heart.  'It's alright with my parents, you know they won't care.  Please.'  In his childish, naïve way he leaned forward, putting steadying hands on Merry's shoulder, and went up on tiptoes to gently brush a kiss on Merry's right cheek.  'Please.'

It was a decision which would haunt him for years to come.  Was his answer a kindness to Pippin, a kindness to Frodo, or merely his own selfish wish to not let Pippin from his side?  'You'd better come then, hadn't you, Pip?'

Wordless with happiness, Pippin threw himself into the other hobbit's arms.

***

-----  Merry decided to let me come!  I couldn't believe it when I heard, I was that shocked!  I never, ever thought he'd say "yes" in a thousand years, but he did.  I know he'll take care of me when we travel too.  Merry's the kindest person I know.  He's like my brother.  But recently he's been looking at me oddly – or more exactly, not looking at me.  He avoids me as if he's scared about what he'll see.  I don't think I've changed at all – I've asked Frodo if I'm taller, or if I'm different in any other way, but he says I'm just the same Pippin as I always have been.  And of course I can't talk to him about It, because he's not meant to know that we know.

I don't feel different at all.  Maybe Merry's not feeling very well.  Maybe he's nervous about the Quest.

Well, I'm not.  It'll be fun, me and him and Frodo and Sam – but mostly me and Merry – wandering off, away from the Shire, to have adventures of our own like Bilbo's!  That will cheer Merry up, and I'll try my hardest to find out what's wrong and make him feel better.  If that doesn't help, I don't know what will.  Merry says I always cheer him up anyway, so it'll be fine.

We're going on a Quest!  -----

***

To Be Continued…