The Day I Tried to Live

Chapter 3

By: DuJour

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any characters other than Tess – the rest belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em.  Quotes at the end are obviously blatantly ripped from Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  

A/N: This is the third and final chapter.  I'm especially proud of this one.  No more Tess for awhile.  Thanks to everyone for the feedback!  Enjoy!

We'd finished our tour of the Nebuchadnezzar and were now standing in a large room in the center of the ship that Trinity referred to as the core.  To our left was a console full of computer equipment with banks of monitors overhead; the top row displaying a strange green code that seemed to rain down onto the rows below.  

This is where the operator sits, she'd told me.  Ok… sure, I'd said, not having the slightest clue what an operator was or why he needed so many monitors displaying the odd code.  To our right was a circle of seven chairs that reminded me of something you might have found in a dentist's office in the days before Novocain.  I spun around wide-eyed, trying to take it all in.  Trinity must have noticed my bewilderment.

"Do you need to sit down?" she asked.

Do I ever, I think. But I don't.

     "What is all this?" I asked surveying the bizarre set up.

     "This is the equipment we use to enter the Matrix".

     "So this is how you… when you set me free, you…"  Words were beginning to fail me.

"Mmm-hmm. We hacked into the Matrix then just like we did when you first saw us in the alley.  We only go in when we need to."

"But why… why would you need to?  Other than to rescue someone?"  My wide eyes must have been positively gaping by this point. 

Trinity sighed and looked at me like a mother might look at her child when she has to tell her something that she may not want to hear – like that there really isn't a Santa Claus.

"Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

     I relented and took a seat in one of the reclining chairs.  The chair had a headrest, but I didn't lean back into it.  I sat tensely on the edge of the seat and watched as Trinity slid into the chair to the right of mine.  She leaned her head back, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and began to tell me all about the war with the machines.  She told me how she and the crew of the Neb were all part of the resistance – a group dedicated to one day defeating the machines and freeing everyone from the Matrix.  And she told me about Zion. 

     I sat and stared at her as she told her story. I tried to concentrate on her mouth as she spoke, taking notice of how her lips formed the words that she was speaking instead of letting the meaning of what she was saying sink in.  It was just so much to take in.  Too much.  After allowing me a few quiet minutes with my thoughts, Trinity sat up and broke the silence.

     "Tess, I know it's a lot to absorb, but you needed to know the truth.  All of it.  I figured I owed you that much."

"Trinity, there's something else I need to know," I asked looking up at her. 

"What is it?"  She returned my pleading gaze, comforting me with her big cerulean eyes.  I hesitated for a moment before asking my question, taking a deep breath to reassure myself that I really wanted to know the answer.

"What would have happened to me if I took the blue pill?"

It was now Trinity's turn to hesitate.  She broke her gaze from mine, to turn slowly in the direction of Morpheus, who was tending to a broken pipe on the other side of the cabin.  Morpheus stopped soldering the pipe as if he knew she had looked to him, even though he had his back to us. 

"You would have died," he said simply and without further acknowledgement, before going back to his repair.

His answer hit me like a swift kick to the stomach.  Even though this was the answer that I both suspected and feared, I didn't realize how it would actually feel to hear it.  All I could ask was, "Why?"  

Morpheus continued to speak without turning around.  "You knew too much, Tess.  You saw too much.  The agents would have killed you."

 "If we hadn't picked you up, you probably wouldn't have lasted through the night," Trinity admitted.  She returned her eyes to mine and took my hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze in an attempt to emphasize her point.   

"You were very lucky that we got to you before they did."

At this, I broke free of her hand and stood up.  Too fast.  I was still a little woozy and had to steady myself against the back of the chair.  Trinity followed me up and held onto my shoulders from behind, so I wouldn't fall.  I tried to push her off me, but she held on tightly and I was much too weak to fight her.

"You could have at least let me have the chance!" I yelled to Morpheus.  "Maybe they would have left me alone, you didn't know for sure that I would have been killed.  You left me no chance!"

"Tess, calm down, you'll make yourself sick," Trinity whispered in my ear, gently but forcefully trying to push me back down into the chair and again attempting to calm me with her soothing voice.  It may have worked had Morpheus not interrupted.  He set his tools down and finally turned to face me.

"There was no chance, Tess.  You must understand that agents do not leave anything to chance.  You'll realize that soon enough."

"But I don't even think they saw me.  I hid in the phone booth and…"

"Remember," Morpheus interrupted, "those weren't humans that you saw in that alley.  Believe me, our way is much less painful.  You would have simply fallen asleep and never known the difference."

I wasn't ready to accept Morpheus' explanation.  I turned to face Trinity as she released her grip on my shoulders.

"Does this happen often?  I mean, how many people choose the blue pill?"  I knew I should probably let it drop, but I had to ask.

"It doesn't happen often."

"But it does happen?"

"Yes."

"And when it happens, when someone takes the blue pill, you kill them?"

"Yes," she replied looking right into my eyes, her stare deep and solemn.

I felt sick to my stomach.  I probably would have thrown up, but I hadn't eaten anything since I arrived here.  I guess I haven't ever eaten anything, I thought.  This notion made my head spin even worse.  I sank further into the chair, leaned my head back and closed my eyes tight.  I couldn't take much more.

"So it really wasn't a choice at all?  It was all bullshit?"  I asked quietly, to no one in particular.  It was more or less a rhetorical question, but Morpheus chose to answer. 

"You made the choice long ago.  You just didn't realize it until now.  Why do you think you choked on the blue pill?"

 "You made the right decision Tess," Trinity said, kneeling beside me and taking my hand in hers again. "You'll see.  I promise.  Come on, let's get you back to bed.  It's been a long day and you still need more rest."

Trinity pulled me to my feet and led me through the core, back toward the sleeping cabins.  When we passed Morpheus he reached out and grabbed me by the elbow. 

"Tess," he began, "listen to Trinity.  She's been in your shoes.  We all have.  It will be okay.  But you must trust us."

I nodded my consent with defeat, and Morpheus actually returned my acknowledgement with a smile; something that until that moment I wouldn't have guessed he was capable of doing. 

"Pleasant dreams, Tess," he said as he returned to his work.

Trinity led me back to my room and I collapsed facedown onto the thin, worn mattress.  I felt Trinity's gentle weight as she sat on the edge of the cot beside me.  She placed her hand on the back of my neck and gently kneaded the tense muscles there with her fingertips.  My first instinct was to push her hand away but her touch felt so good that I let her continue for a moment, until I rolled over and sat up with another question.

"Morpheus said that the agents were moving the way they were because they weren't human, right?"

"That's right," Trinity answered matter-of-factly.

"But I saw you doing things too.  Things that just didn't seem…"

"Real?"

"Yeah."

"That's because the Matrix isn't real."

"Yeah, right, I get that.  I do.  But when I was in the Matrix, I could never do those things."

Trinity smiled warmly and choked back a laugh.

"That… takes practice."

Was she serious?  "You're kidding me, right?"

"With the right training, we can learn to manipulate the Matrix in small ways.  Some can do it much better than I can.  One day, you may be able to do things in there that you never would have believed possible before."

"I'm never going back in.  Not if everything that you've said is true.  Not if it isn't real.  It would just hurt too much."

With that my eyes began to cloud with liquid and I felt a single tear escape down my cheek.

"What can I do, Tess?" Trinity asked as she cupped my face in her hand and gently wiped away the tear with her thumb.  "I know it's hard, but is there anything I can do to make it easier?"

"It's just so much to digest.  Tell me.  How did you handle it?"

Trinity motioned for me to scoot over and I moved as far against the wall as I could on the tiny cot.  She swung her legs up and was now lying beside me on her back. I rolled over onto my side and propped myself up on my elbow to look at her as she spoke. 

She was truly stunning.  I admired her beauty from the moment I first laid eyes on her in the Matrix, covered in black vinyl.  She was even more beautiful here in the real world, even in her tattered ship's garb.  Her strong, angular features contrasted so nicely with her soft, nearly translucent skin and brilliant crystal blue eyes.  She was nearly perfect.

"Well," she began, as she settled in and helped herself to my pillow, "I was younger than you when I was unplugged.  Seventeen.  I had just finished high school - I graduated early just to get the hell out of there.  I didn't have many friends.  I had a boyfriend, but he wasn't very nice to me.  He was never violent, but he liked to play mind games.  Anyway, my mother died when I was very young and I was living with my father, but we were more like roommates than father and daughter.  He didn't bother me and I didn't bother him."

"So, I spent most of my time in my room, on my computer. Hacking.  Learning my way around cyberspace.  Finding backdoors.  That kind of thing.  I couldn't afford college, so I thought that hacking was a way to do something with my life.  To get out.  That's when I started learning about the Matrix.  When Morpheus found me, I was more than willing to go with him.  Even before I knew what I would have to give up, I somehow knew that Morpheus held the answers to all my questions.  Not just questions about the Matrix, but questions about my purpose."

I somehow had the feeling that Trinity didn't think about her past in the Matrix very often.  Something in the way she hesitated when she spoke, the slight catch in her voice.  The way her eyes darted back and forth as she stared at the ceiling.  I felt flattered that she shared it with me.

"Trinity, there's something else – I have a brother."

"No Tess, you don't."

"Yes, I do.  His name is Simon."

"No Tess."  She rolled over to look at me.  "You don't have a brother.  You may have had a brother in the Matrix, but this is the real world and we're your family now."

I understood her point, but didn't think she quite got mine.

"Right, I know.  Simon's in the Matrix.  But, what I wanted to know is, could we go save him?  You know, like you saved me?"

Trinity returned to her position on her back and shut her eyes. 

"That would be impossible."

"I know it would be a risk, but if you can go into the Matrix…"

"It would be impossible because Simon isn't real."

What? Did I hear her right?  I couldn't have...

"He was a computer simulation, Tess.  A program.  More specifically, a command - written into the code that dictated your virtual reality."

I stared down at Trinity, but she refused to open her eyes and return my gaze.  Simon wasn't real.  He was never real.  Just like everything else...

"Remember Tess, you were grown, not born.  Human eggs were harvested and randomly combined with human sperm.  The fertilized eggs were then planted in a pod.  That's how you were conceived.  It's very unlikely that you had any true brothers or sisters.  On the other hand, you may have had thousands of half-siblings."

I'm sure that what she said made sense, but I had stopped listening.  I just couldn't process any more new information.    

"So now that I'm unplugged, what happens to Simon?  I mean, what happens to the… program?"

Trinity opened her eyes.  "When a program is no longer needed, it's deleted."

Of all the things I'd learned since I woke up on this ship, that was the hardest for me to accept – the fact that Simon wasn't real.  I could accept the fact that I could never go back, that I would never see him again.  But I just couldn't get over the idea that if I did go back into the Matrix, Simon wouldn't be there waiting for me.  That he wasn't somewhere worrying about me, wondering where I was.  That I couldn't go back and force a red pill down his throat and bring him into the real world with me.  Because he never existed.  It was mind-blowing.

I lay back down, staring at the ceiling full of pipes and cables, trying to comprehend what I'd just heard.  Trinity rolled toward me and placed her hand on my forehead, gently stroking with her thumb the soft ridge where my eyebrows should have been.  She spoke in a near-whisper.

"The Matrix is a complex program.  It creates a unique 'reality' for everyone plugged into it.  Many of the people that you knew in the Matrix were composites generated from one very large database of actual human characteristics, but they were only composites."

I closed my eyes and let her continue to attempt to comfort me with her voice and with her touch, because I knew it would make her feel better to think she was helping me.  But deep down, I knew that nothing she said or did would be able to placate me at this point, so I continued to ask questions.

"So, everyone experiences a different Matrix?"

"Sort of.  There are some fundamental generalities in the program, obviously.  It's based on late 20th century reality, but personal experiences are quite unique."

She must have noticed the confusion that was surely evident in my face now.  Or felt the ball of tension that was forming between by eyes.

"Try not to think about it too much right now, Tess.  In time, it will become easier to accept."

"How long did it take you?"

"It took… awhile.  I couldn't say really.  You begin to accept things in stages.  And it helps if you didn't have anything to miss."

I can see how that would help, I thought.

"And there are some things that you never fully accept.  Those things you just have to put out of your mind and focus on the mission."

I sat up, more relaxed, but still not quite near sleep.  Trinity was trying her best to make me comfortable, but it seemed that every answer led to another question.  I fingered the plug on my left forearm.  It was still hard to believe that it was a part of me.

"Trinity, what is my mission?  I understand the ultimate goal of the resistance is to defeat the machines and destroy the Matrix, but what is my role in all of this?  I'm no soldier."

Trinity sat up as well and put her arm around my shoulders.  I leaned back into the crook of her arm and rested my head on her shoulder.  It felt so... natural.  I felt the tension in my back and neck begin to disappear.

"And you thought I was at 17?  I was a skinny, pale, naïve kid.  A computer geek.  But Morpheus helped to me see what I could become.  He showed me how important I could be to the resistance.  He trained me to be a soldier, but it took time, Tess.  It was a long road from the kid I was then to the woman I am now.  And I'm still learning.  Every day - I'm still training.  Morpheus says that soon he'll take me to see the Oracle and then I'll be even more focused."

"The Oracle?"

"The Oracle is a very old, very wise member of the resistance.  She lives in the Matrix and serves as a guide for us in our fight.  Morpheus has visited her several times.  On his last visit, she told him that he would find the One."

"The One?" I asked, settling deeper into the nook that she created for me.  My eyelids were finally beginning to get heavy.

"Morpheus believes that there is one man who is destined to end this war and destroy the Matrix, freeing everyone still trapped inside.  The Oracle told him he would find this person and he's made it his mission ever since."

"Do you believe him?"

"I'm not sure.  I trust Morpheus and I want to believe him. Maybe when I go see the Oracle myself... I'd like to think that one day someone will come along to end all this for us, but until then, I guess all we can do is fight."

I sighed, knowing that I was just minutes away from the dream world.  "I'm not much of a fighter...," I managed to mutter.

Trinity quieted her voice to a soothing whisper, realizing how near sleep I was.

"You may not be a soldier, Tess, but I do think there are great things in store for you.  I believe that there is a reason that you are here.  I wouldn't have pulled you out, if I didn't believe that."

  There was much to think about, much to contemplate, to come to terms with.  But all that would have to wait until the next morning, because before I knew it, I began to drift off. I felt Trinity gently slide her arm out from under me and lay me back on the pillow.

"Trinity, please stay with me," I muttered softly.

"Sure," she whispered, lightly stroking my cheek with the backs of her fingers as my consciousness began to slip away.  But just before it did, I heard the door to my cabin slowly creak open.

"Hey there.  How's the newbie?"

"Sleeping."

"Good. I'm heading down to the mess. Need anything?" 

"Stryker, I hate to ask, but do you mind taking my shift tonight?  I want to stay here with her."

"Anything for you, love.  It's good that you're staying with her.  I think she needs you.  How's she getting on - really?"

"She needs some time to adjust, but I think she'll be just fine."

With that reassurance from Trinity, I slept.

########

I dreamed of Simon that night. We were children again, playing in our parent's den on a rainy summer afternoon.  He was reading to me from my favorite book:

'Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!'

Simon continued to read as I sat and stared out at the rain streaming down the picture window, blissfully content, fully at peace.  I was entranced nearly as much by his voice as I was the rain, but it was the rain that was calling to me.  I suddenly felt the need to go outside, to walk in the rain, to feel it on my face. 

I crossed the room and kissed my brother on the cheek and whispered goodbye.  I walked out the front door and into the street where I let the rain drench me from head to toe.  When I turned around again, the house was gone.  But I could still hear Simon's voice, reading to me one last time. 

'Oh, I've had such a curious dream!' said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said, 'It was a curious dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it's getting late.' So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had been.