Chapter 4

Who has talent?

Fortunately, their sixth year of school started the very next day, so the trio posted flyers for the audition. Dumbledore thought Percy was better off as a pig and was appalled by the idea of tourists coming to Hogwarts, but agreed when Ron threw a tantrum and banged his head on the flagstone floor.

Nearly 100 students showed up for the audition. Harry decided not to try out because he preferred his new job as Percy's "keeper," a situation that terrified Percy because Harry would sit very close to him, scratch him slowly behind the ears, and say, "Daddy's gonna make you squeal like a pig."

While Harry entertained himself with Percy, the auditions began. Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville, and Luna went first because they are major characters and nobody really cares about the others. The five of them stood side by side on the stage while the others faded insignificantly into the background.

Dumbledore walked back and forth in front of them, reading from some applications they had filled out. "So, Mr. Weasley, you can play the musical saw and do sixty-second chainsaw sculptures?" he asked, deadpan.

Ron thrust out his chest and pointed at himself proudly. "I'm the best!"

"I'm sure you are. And Miss Granger, your stage act is simply described as 'Lil' Granger.' Could you elaborate?"

"Gangsta rap," Hermione replied. Dumbledore was too embarrassed to admit that he didn't know what that was, so he let it go.

"Gangster rap?" Draco sneered. "You are more pathetic than I realized."

Dumbledore cleared his throat he said, "And you, Mr. Malfoy, will be doing, let's see here. . . ."

"I *told* you not to read it aloud!" Draco cried.

Dumbledore looked at him over his glasses, then read, "'An interpretive modern art dance, theme: the anguish of father/son incest and having a cold, fucked-up whore of a mother in denial.'"

Hermione broke the exquisite silence. "Now who's pathetic?"

Draco punched her in the stomach, but she managed to produce a knife and lunged at him. He dodged out of the way, and the knife landed in the liver of a hapless second year, who was carted away in a hurry because he added nothing to the plot.

Dumbledore tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you two done?"

He turned to Neville. "Mr. Longbottom. Your description says 'Chris Rock impersonations--vanilla-flavored but still da shit.'"

"He does a mad Chris Rock," Harry agreed.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, then turned to Luna. "And you, Miss Lovegood--"

"--I, Miss Lovegood," she piped up, not noticing Draco's slack-jawed gaze, "will levitate without the use of a wand or spell, channel Adolf Hitler, and make the room shake with only the power of my chi."

The 95 other auditioners slowly backed off the stage and out of the auditorium.

"Ah, very nice," Dumbledore replied, deadpan. "Should be an excellent finale for a truly unique show."

Ende

PS: If you can tell me where the "squeal like a pig" line came from, your house wins 500 points.