Chapter 5

Finding judges

"But who will judge this wonderful spectacle?" Dumbledore asked, with the faintest hint of a smirk.

They wandered outside and saw something walking toward them. It was big, it was pink, and it was extremely erect. First it looked like an enormous llama head and neck. Then it looked like a huge penis on two legs. Finally, they recognized it as a nude Snape. He had only one testicle, and nobody wanted to ask what happened to the other one.

They asked him if he would judge the talent show. "No fucking way!" he cried.

"Draco will be dancing in it," Harry baited him.

"Oh. Well, then."

They used crowbars and cheap beer to convince the others: Hagrid, Dobby, and Winky. All three were, of course, secretly furious because the talent show was happening at the same time as their favorite reality TV show.

The tiebreaking judge, if that was needed, would be Sirius Black, exhumed from his grave at the Hogsbuttocks cemetery. He looked like hell and stunk worse, and he was constantly brushing off maggots.

Nobody used the same system to rate contestants. Dobby said he would use a five-sock rating system. Winky chose to compare each performer to her favorite drinks. Hagrid wanted to use Roman numerals even though he couldn't understand how they worked, and Snape would stomp his foot several times like a horse. Finally, Sirius would count off a number from one to 1,000 on his fingers.

"But that will take forever," Dumbledore complained.

Sirius giggled girlishly. "I'm dead, remember?"

Ende