A/N: Apologies to Scott McKenzie for using his lyrics.
Chapter 10
The sensual man
Then a terrible thing happened. Tom Felton took one look at this fanfiction script, said "I'm outta here," and completely quit the whole Harry Potter thing once and for all.
He had been offered a real part in Hollywood: Keanu Reeves's kid brother in The Matrix III. This fanfiction--this very one that you are reading right now--was the final insult that sent him packing to Hollywood.
"What is the point of wasting my life on a bunch of stupid kids' movies?" he thought. They were threatening to fire him for getting too tall anyway. He got out of Scotland so fast it made everyone's head spin.
So Filmdom!Draco was gone for good. And Fandom!Draco was busy having a threesome with two Ravenclaws (one of which was me--no joking). So there was no alternative but Canon!Draco.
Think about it: skinnier, whiter, shorter, no muscle tone, with an irritating voice that could kill cockroaches.
He pouted and curled his lip.
Then he whined, "I'm going to tell my father."
Dobby watched all that had transpired and stepped aside with Percy to figure out what to do. Percy had some leftover prescription narcotics from Noelle Bush's last trip to England, but that wouldn't help: they needed to get Draco on stage, not put him into an everlasting stupor just because he came from a fucked-up rich family and needed help.
"I have some Rohypnol," offered Percy, digging deeper into his trough. Dobby frowned disapprovingly, thinking back to the painful memory of when Draco had absconded with him. "Wait!" Percy cried, pulling out two small pills. "How about Ecstasy?"
"Here is a nice drink for Master Draco," Dobby said sweetly, handing him a glass of what looked like strawberry guava juice.
"My favorite. Thanks, Dobby."
About five minutes later, Draco went into a deeply loving state, decided there should be no more lies in the world, and pulled off his purple satin boxers under his robe before stepping onstage.
He stepped onto the stage in his robe (also purple satin) and white footies, with just one spotlight on him. "This is dedicated to my father." He let the robe fall and could hear the audience gasp at the sight of his skinny, pale nude body. "This dance is called 'I Love You, Daddy.'"
He cued the music, then started a lilting, half-ballet half-modern dance across the stage.
***
"If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there"
***
He spun around in his socks like he was ice skating, then started doing daring somersaults across the stage.
***
"For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair"
***
He did another row of somersaults, but his head got caught in the enormous gash in the floor that Ron had made with his chainsaw. With his ass sticking straight up in the air, he screamed in agony and tried to get his head free without decapitating himself. Finally, he pulled himself loose, sat on the stage, and wept freely.
***
"All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion"
***
He wiped his eyes, rose unsteadily to his feet, and started to spin gracefully again.
Of course, the tourists were all sobbing hysterically, and they applauded uproariously through their ridiculous tears.
***
"For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there"
***
He started spinning, over and over, as fast as he could. . . .
***
"If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there."
***
Now, for the finale, he was spinning madly, and he almost fell off the stage but kept going, his penis whipping around like crazy. Luna got so excited that she started rattling the chandeliers through telekinesis. Finally, he just collapsed in a heap on the stage.
In the audience, Lucius couldn't decide if he was aroused or humiliated. At the very least, the tourists seemed to love it--but that wasn't saying much. The thunderous applause shook the room.
Then Draco staggered off the stage, and once behind the curtains, he fainted into Luna's arms.
Dobby gave another standing ovation. "It's all true, he's not lying!" he cried, and gave him five socks.
Winky, however, was not impressed. "It's a Coors' Light--and I won't go any higher!" she slurred, belching, as Draco stood there looking disappointed. The audience started to boo her, and the Tony Blair-shaped pineapple hit her on the head with a wet splat.
Hagrid simply wrote "11" on a piece of paper. "Is that two or eleven?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Eleven, of course! Can'cher see what th'boy's goin' through?"
Snape stomped exactly ten times.
Ende
Chapter 10
The sensual man
Then a terrible thing happened. Tom Felton took one look at this fanfiction script, said "I'm outta here," and completely quit the whole Harry Potter thing once and for all.
He had been offered a real part in Hollywood: Keanu Reeves's kid brother in The Matrix III. This fanfiction--this very one that you are reading right now--was the final insult that sent him packing to Hollywood.
"What is the point of wasting my life on a bunch of stupid kids' movies?" he thought. They were threatening to fire him for getting too tall anyway. He got out of Scotland so fast it made everyone's head spin.
So Filmdom!Draco was gone for good. And Fandom!Draco was busy having a threesome with two Ravenclaws (one of which was me--no joking). So there was no alternative but Canon!Draco.
Think about it: skinnier, whiter, shorter, no muscle tone, with an irritating voice that could kill cockroaches.
He pouted and curled his lip.
Then he whined, "I'm going to tell my father."
Dobby watched all that had transpired and stepped aside with Percy to figure out what to do. Percy had some leftover prescription narcotics from Noelle Bush's last trip to England, but that wouldn't help: they needed to get Draco on stage, not put him into an everlasting stupor just because he came from a fucked-up rich family and needed help.
"I have some Rohypnol," offered Percy, digging deeper into his trough. Dobby frowned disapprovingly, thinking back to the painful memory of when Draco had absconded with him. "Wait!" Percy cried, pulling out two small pills. "How about Ecstasy?"
"Here is a nice drink for Master Draco," Dobby said sweetly, handing him a glass of what looked like strawberry guava juice.
"My favorite. Thanks, Dobby."
About five minutes later, Draco went into a deeply loving state, decided there should be no more lies in the world, and pulled off his purple satin boxers under his robe before stepping onstage.
He stepped onto the stage in his robe (also purple satin) and white footies, with just one spotlight on him. "This is dedicated to my father." He let the robe fall and could hear the audience gasp at the sight of his skinny, pale nude body. "This dance is called 'I Love You, Daddy.'"
He cued the music, then started a lilting, half-ballet half-modern dance across the stage.
***
"If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there"
***
He spun around in his socks like he was ice skating, then started doing daring somersaults across the stage.
***
"For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair"
***
He did another row of somersaults, but his head got caught in the enormous gash in the floor that Ron had made with his chainsaw. With his ass sticking straight up in the air, he screamed in agony and tried to get his head free without decapitating himself. Finally, he pulled himself loose, sat on the stage, and wept freely.
***
"All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion"
***
He wiped his eyes, rose unsteadily to his feet, and started to spin gracefully again.
Of course, the tourists were all sobbing hysterically, and they applauded uproariously through their ridiculous tears.
***
"For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there"
***
He started spinning, over and over, as fast as he could. . . .
***
"If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there."
***
Now, for the finale, he was spinning madly, and he almost fell off the stage but kept going, his penis whipping around like crazy. Luna got so excited that she started rattling the chandeliers through telekinesis. Finally, he just collapsed in a heap on the stage.
In the audience, Lucius couldn't decide if he was aroused or humiliated. At the very least, the tourists seemed to love it--but that wasn't saying much. The thunderous applause shook the room.
Then Draco staggered off the stage, and once behind the curtains, he fainted into Luna's arms.
Dobby gave another standing ovation. "It's all true, he's not lying!" he cried, and gave him five socks.
Winky, however, was not impressed. "It's a Coors' Light--and I won't go any higher!" she slurred, belching, as Draco stood there looking disappointed. The audience started to boo her, and the Tony Blair-shaped pineapple hit her on the head with a wet splat.
Hagrid simply wrote "11" on a piece of paper. "Is that two or eleven?" Dumbledore inquired.
"Eleven, of course! Can'cher see what th'boy's goin' through?"
Snape stomped exactly ten times.
Ende
