Obligatory Disclaimer: All Friends characters belong to Warner Bros. and Bright, Crane, and Kaufman Productions.
Living Situations:
Rachel and Ross live in his apartment with Emma.
Chandler and Monica live together in Monica's apartment.
Joey lives alone at his place across the hall.
Phoebe lives with Mike at her place.
The One With All The Conversations
TEASER
Central Perk (Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are sitting in their sofa and chairs, drinking coffee.)
Rachel: …And if you ever try to look at me naked across the street, I'll –
Joey: Okay, okay; I get the point. But if you don't want it to happen again, why can't you just close your curtains?
Ross: Yeah, I know; it's common courtesy to do that kind of stuff, especially when you're walking around nude.
Joey: Dude, that goes for you too; I think I lose a little bit more of my sight every time I see you with everything hanging out.
Phoebe (mimicking Ross): Yeah, I know; it's common courtesy to close your curtains, blah blah blah.
(Ross glares at Phoebe.)
[OPENING CREDITS]
Central Perk (continued from before; Chandler and Monica walk in.)
Chandler: Hello children. (Greetings are exchanged.)
Monica: Guys, I have such great news. Alessandro from the restaurant is planning to take a long break from working, so he wants me to take over the restaurant!
Phoebe: Oooh, yay!
Rachel: Yeah, that's so great honey; so is he's just going to give the restaurant to you?
Monica: No, he's offering half of the ownership to me, which would make me a equal partner in every aspect, not just the cooking.
Ross: We're all really happy for you, and I don't mean to sound like a pessimist –
Phoebe (interrupting): Too late.
Ross (pauses, then continues): But how are you going to pay for your share of the ownership?
Chandler: Well, we were thinking about it, and I thought it would be best if I became a bounty hunter.
Ross: You don't have to be mean about it.
Monica (giggling): As long as the restaurant keeps making money after he leaves, my part of the ownership is paid and secure. I'm just so happy right now. (turns to Chandler) Let's go back to our place.
Chandler: Mon, we just got here.
Monica: I want you now.
Chandler: And now we just got going; bye guys.
(Everyone says bye. Chandler and Monica run out.)
Ross (with sarcasm): I just love it when my sister makes sexual passes in public.
Joey: Oh I know; it's awesome. (The rest look at him in confusion.)
Chandler and Monica's Apartment (Chandler and Monica are in bed.)
Chandler: Wow that was amazing.
Monica: I know.
Chandler (holding Monica close): You know how much I love you, right?
Monica: Yeah I do. I love you too.
Chandler: So…you know what I was thinking about today?
Monica: What's that?
Chandler: Women.
Monica: I had better be one of them.
Chandler: Hear me out; why is it that some women use a separate shampoo and conditioner? I mean you can save so much time just getting one of those brands that has them already mixed together.
Monica: That's because you have to clean your hair with the shampoo before you make it smoother and stronger. That's where the conditioner comes in.
Chandler: But if you have them both, you're cleaning and conditioning at the same time.
Monica: Not necessarily; sometimes the conditioner part of it touches the hair before the shampoo can completely clean it. You don't want to condition dirty hair.
Chandler: But they're working at the same time!
Monica: Honey, why the hell are you getting so worked up for? Are you not getting enough work at your job?
Chandler: I just think it's a waste of time to do one thing after another just for your hair. And yeah, what is up with you all using these fancy, expensive shampoos? Soap is soap.
Monica (getting into a bathrobe): I have an idea to solve your little problem; go to the bathroom.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Monica: You are going to wash your hair using a separate Herbal Essences shampoo and a separate conditioner.
Chandler: Herbal Essences? Isn't that for girls?
(Monica nudges Chandler into the bathroom.)
Joey's Apartment (Joey is in the living room, practicing his Drake Ramoray lines for Days.)
Joey (looking at the script, then towards the TV): Mrs. DuBois, I have good news; the neurosurgery was a complete success and your daughter will be just fine.
(now playing Mrs. DuBois): Oh, thank you so much, Doctor; how can I ever thank you?
(Drake): Well, you already paid me the fee for the surgery, but I wouldn't mind…a kiss. (wraps his arms around himself and makes kissing noises)
(A series of "Oh Drake!" ensues as Phoebe and Mike enter.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe; were we interrupting your imaginary make out session?
Joey (notices and regains composure): Hey guys; um, I was just practicing my lines. What are you guys doing here?
Mike: Well, Phoebe was telling me how you wanted to find a girl.
Joey: I'm always looking for girls.
Mike: For a long term relationship.
Joey: Oh, yeah, right.
Phoebe: After we talked, we came up with a really good plan.
Joey: That's really considerate, guys; thanks. So what's the first thing you want me to do?
Mike: Don't have sex.
Joey: What!? Are you insane?
Phoebe (to Mike): Don't ever start a sentence like that when you're talking to Joey. (to Joey) What he meant to say was that if you started a relationship with a girl that wasn't based on sex, you would start to get to know her in a lot of meaningful ways.
Joey: I've had plenty of meaningful relationships.
Mike: Have you ever had a first date without sex?
Joey: No, but that's not the point. There's no way I'm starving the little general!
Phoebe: We're not asking you to do that; we're just saying that maybe you should let it go hungry for a little while.
Joey: But how will that solve my problem?
Mike: If you're not always looking for the sex, you'll be noticing other things about women like how smart or funny they may be.
Phoebe: And if you don't feel any connection, you can just end it and move on.
Joey: Can I still sleep with them if it doesn't work out?
Phoebe: That would be your call.
Ross and Rachel's Apartment (Rachel is feeding Emma in the living room; Ross is making a few drinks.)
Ross: So what do you when you're walking around here naked?
Rachel: You're still interested in that topic?
Ross: Talking about you walking around naked is always interesting, Rach. But seriously, what do you do?
Rachel: Regular stuff, I guess; you know, reading, listening to music. I should ask you the same question, (smiling) Ugly Naked Ross.
Ross: The same stuff, but I have to wash the dishes you leave behind every night (Rachel glares). I don't know, it just feels kind of liberating not having any clothes on.
Rachel: I feel the same way; every time you touch something, it's really direct. But I don't get to do it very much, what with work and you being around too –
Ross: Wait, I don't want to stop from doing something you want to do, especially that.
Rachel: What, I should just walk around nude in front of you?
(Ross smiles and raises his eyebrow.)
Rachel: Oh, grow up!
Ross: But what's stopping us from doing that in front of each other; it's not like we've never seen the other person naked before.
Rachel: I don't know; wouldn't it be weird?
Ross: Maybe at first, but if you think about it, we'd still doing regular things like talking and joking around, just without clothing. Hey, and you could shave precious seconds off breast feeding Emma since you wouldn't have any clothes on.
Rachel (laughing): Yeah, I can see how eager you are, because you get a treat every time. What do I get?
Ross: Hey, I may not be ultra buff or anything, but I look pretty darn good.
Rachel (laughing): Oh my God, that's the hardest I've laughed in a while.
Ross: Come on, Rach, what do you say?
(Scene changes suddenly; Rachel and Ross are now naked on the sofa, talking and drinking some beer.)
Rachel: You know; this doesn't feel uncomfortable. It's kind of nice.
Ross: It really is and if I may say, you look really good.
Rachel (smiling): Thank you.
Ross: My dreams will be great tonight.
Joey's Apartment (Joey, Phoebe, and Mike are there; continued from before)
Phoebe: Before you go off trying to find a girl, we should make a list of qualities that you like in a girl. What would your ideal woman be like?
Joey: Ok, um, she has to be hot.
Mike (writing): Ok, keep going.
Joey: She has to be pretty thin, nice legs, great butt, good boobs, did I mention hot?
Mike: Yeah, and I think the legs, butt, and boobs are pretty much implied when you say hot.
Phoebe: What about her personality? What kind of things do you look for in that?
Joey: Hmm, that's a good question. I guess I'd want her to be smart and funny, not boring. But when I think about it, she should be patient too, because I can do some pretty stupid stuff sometimes.
Phoebe (suddenly laughs, then stops): Sorry.
Joey: Actually, can we finish the list later? I gotta think about this for a while; until now, I never really considered all of that stuff.
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah, absolutely Joe.
Joey: Thanks guys; do you want anything to drink?
Mike: Yeah, I could use a beer.
Joey: Same here. (walks directly across the hall to Monica and Chandler's apartment)
Mike: He's a soap actor who makes thousands of dollars a day and he can't buy his own beer?
Phoebe (opening Joey's fridge, revealing a lot of beer): It's almost become a force of habit for him to eat Monica's and Chandler's food.
Monica and Chandler's Apartment (Joey enters and opens the fridge as Chandler and Monica leave their bedroom.)
Chandler (touching his hair): Oh…my…God! My hair feels like strands of ever so smooth silk!
Monica: See, that's what happens when you take the time to take care of your hair.
Joey (with a beer in his hand): Hey guys. What are you talking about?
Monica: Chandler used Herbal Essences to wash his hair.
Joey: Oh I love that; it's great!
Chandler: You use Herbal Essences?
Joey: Yeah! (pauses) Wait, are you talking about the shampoo or the commercial?
[ENDING CREDITS]
Monica and Chandler's Apartment (Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Mike, and Joey are in the living room talking.)
Mike (looking out the window): Oh my gosh! Guys, come here!
(The rest head to the window and see Ross and Rachel talking in their apartment naked.)
Joey: Oh man, Ross is blocking Rachel; get out of the way, dude!
Chandler: My eyes, they're burning, but they're compelled to keep looking! (Monica slaps him on the arm.)
Ross and Rachel's Apartment (They've now realized what's going on.)
Rachel: Damn it, not again! (runs over and closes the curtain)
Ross: Why do we keep forgetting to do that?
