Obligatory Disclaimer: All Friends characters belong to Warner Bros. and Bright, Crane, and Kaufman Productions.

Living Situations:

Rachel and Ross live in his apartment with Emma.

Chandler and Monica live together in Monica's apartment.

Joey lives alone at his place across the hall.

Phoebe lives with Mike at her place.

The One With Chandler's Pre Mid-Life Crisis

TEASER

Central Perk (Joey has just finished talking to a girl at the coffee counter; she is leaving as Phoebe and Mike enter.)

Phoebe: Hey, Joe, who was that girl?

Joey (smiling): That was Miranda; we're going on a date tonight.

Mike: Cool, but remember what we talked about; get to know her first.

Joey: Hey, you can trust me.

Phoebe: Oh, I almost forgot; did you ever finish that list?

Joey (pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket): Yeah, I did, actually.  I even used Chandler's computer to make it look nice.

Mike (nodding and taking the paper): Impressive.  So do you think Miranda has all of these qualities?

Joey: I'm not sure yet; I'll find out during the date.

Phoebe: Well, let's read them out loud and you can agree or disagree.  Number 1: She must like sandwiches.

Joey: We're going to this nice deli for our date.

Phoebe: Number 2: She's must be hot.

Joey & Mike: Yeah she is.  (Phoebe looks at Mike.)

Mike: Hey, I have eyes; I'm not blind. (Phoebe continues to glare at him.)  I love you.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Monica and Chandler's Apartment (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast; Monica is in the living room with Emma and her stroller; she's trying to feed her.)

Monica: Where's the spoon?  (moves the spoon in front of Emma)  There's the spoon!  (feeds her)  Good girl.  Do you know who I am?  It's Monica.  Can you say Monica?  Mo-nee-ca?  I'll give you some ice cream if you say Monica.

Rachel: Mon, she's like five months old; she can barely make happy noises.  Although I could use some ice cream right now, Mo-nee-ca.

(The door suddenly flies open; Chandler quickly enters with two mirrors in his hands.)

Monica: Honey, what are you doing?

Chandler: What am I doing?  What do you think I'm doing? (continues to move his mirrors over his head)

Ross: Are you trying to use the mirrors so sunlight will burn your hair?

Chandler: This morning, while I was in the bathroom, I was combing my hair when I noticed this. (points to a random spot on his head.  The others move in closer.)

Ross: I don't see anything.

Chandler: You can't tell?  It's so obvious!

Rachel: But everybody gets a few split ends.

Chandler: No, this.

Ross: You mean that little gray hair?

(Joey enters.)

Joey: I could hear Chandler all the way from my apartment; what's going on?

Ross: Chandler's freaking out because he found a gray hair on his head.

Chandler: Oh no, my friend, it is not just a gray hair; it's like some kind of gray follicle that's mocking me and my old age.

Monica: You are anything but old, Chandler.

Rachel: Yeah, what is the big deal?  So you got a gray hair; it's probably from all the stress at work.

Chandler: I do spend a lot of time on my WENUS.

(Joey starts giggling.)

Chandler: Oh come on, man, I've already explained what it is hundreds of times.

Monica: Why don't you just pull it out or something?

Joey: No, you can't do that; you know what they say: when you pull out one gray hair, two more grow in its place.

Chandler (even more panicked): What?  It reproduces?!

Ross: Whoa, calm down, man.

Chandler: I can't calm down; I'm only thirty years old, this kind of stuff shouldn't be happening to me yet.

Ross: If it's that important, you can dye that one little hair to your normal color.

Chandler: That's what I thought, but then it'd be like admitting defeat you know?  All the gray hairs of the world would laugh in my face.

Monica: But what can you do?  You can't cut it and you can't dye it since you have some kind of really weird perception of gray hairs mocking you.

Chandler: Wait, I know!  The whole hair isn't gray, just the top part.  I'll just it cut it off!

Ross (with sarcasm): Wow, what a brilliant plan.

Chandler: I know!  (He runs into the bathroom.)

Ross (grabbing his briefcase): I've got to get to work; I'm looking forward to lecturing about the hunting habits of velociraptors.  I think that'll finally get the class excited about paleontology.

Rachel: Your class wouldn't be excited even if real velocirap-whatever started getting it on in the room.

Ross: Thanks for the encouragement, Rach.  Bye guys.

(Byes are exchanged.)

Joey: I've got to go too; I'm meeting with Phoebe and Mike to prepare for Phase I of Operation Get Lucky.

Monica (completely confused): I'll ask about that later.  See you, Joe.

Rachel: Bye, honey.  (Monica and Rachel sit down.)

Monica: That was an interesting morning.

Rachel: Yeah.

(Chandler emerges from the bathroom holding a mirror.)  Would either of you a pair of garden shears?

Monica: We have scissors.

Chandler: I know, but I figure if I have big cutting tools, it'll scare the gray hair so it'll never come back.

New York University – Ross' Palentology Class (Ross has just finished his lecture and is about to dismiss his class.)

Ross: Make sure all of you read Chapters 15 and 17 for the upcoming test.  I've also posted grades for your midterm on the bulletin board in the hallway.  Also, can I speak to Mr. Adams, Ms. Savoy, and Mr. Biggins?

(The students leave and three mentioned students head to Ross' desk.)

Adams: Is there a problem, Professor?

Ross: Yes, there is; I had three of you zeros for your midterms.

Biggins: What?!  Why?

Ross: During the test, I saw the three of you looking at each other's tests and whispering.  I almost didn't catch you since you were sitting so far back.  Bottom line, cheating is unacceptable and I will fail people if they do it.

Savoy: Why are you picking on us, Professor?  There were a lot of other people cheating too.

Ross: What?  There were others?

Biggins: Yeah, lots of kids cheat all the time, it's almost common nowadays.

Ross: I never cheated in school.

Adams: That's because you're old.  (Ross glares at him.)  Sorry.

Ross: Well, that kind of thing is not going to happen in my classroom anymore.

Savoy: But now that you know about everybody cheating, can you let us go with a stern warning?

Ross (sighing): I'll think about it, maybe; you can go.

Monica and Chandler's Apartment (Monica and Rachel are in the living room, talking.)

Monica: So have you been having sex with my brother lately?

Rachel: No!

Monica: Well, we all saw you two naked in your apartment the other day.

Rachel: We were just talking Mon.

Monica: I didn't realize talking without your clothes on was the new thing.

Rachel: We both like occasionally doing normal things naked but we only did them when one was us was alone.  But Ross suggested that we shouldn't care.

Monica: Isn't that awkward?  You're not together with him anymore.

Rachel: It ended up being really fun.  We're not uptight about it at all now.

Monica: So you're saying there's no attraction at all when you two do this?

Rachel (hesitating, just a little): I wouldn't say no attraction.  I still find him attractive even with his clothes on.

Monica (smiling): Do you think this could lead somewhere, someday?

Rachel: No…maybe.  I really don't know, Mon.  You know I never stopped loving him, I'm not sure if I could ever get back together with him.  I think Ross feels the same way.

(Chandler enters, looking tired and depressed.  He drops his briefcase on the floor and sits next to Monica, where he holds her.)

Monica: Did you have a bad day at work, or did someone make fun of you?

Chandler: I feel old.

Rachel: Didn't you get rid of that gray hair?

Chandler (sits back up): I did, but I shouldn't have had to; I read all the time that thirty is supposed one of your last peaks of youth, but instead it's like the beginning of the end.  You know, by the time I'm forty, little kids will scream, "Let's throw rocks at that geezer Bing's house!"  And then I'll come out with my broom, shaking my hand like some kind of poorly acted cartoon character. (to Monica) And what's worse is that you'll be there when I'm old too.

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: I mean you'll still be beautiful and wonderful, being way too good for an old man like me.

Monica: Chandler, you're not old; you're not even close.

Rachel: Yeah, instead of looking of that hair as omen, look at it as a sign that you're growing up.  You're working hard to support your family.  I remember how aloof you were when I first met you.  Now you have a purpose in life and that's a good thing.

Monica: Rachel's right; you once told me that no matter what I looked like, how big or small I became, you'd always love me.  Well, that goes for you too.

Rachel: So stop going through this pre mid-life crisis.  You're not supposed to have it for at least another fifteen years, ok?

(Chandler hugs Monica and Rachel.)

Chandler: Thanks.  Hey Mon, is that a gray hair? (Monica looks around frantically.)

Monica (hits him in the arm): Don't joke around like that!

Jerry's Fine Delicatessen and Eatery (Joey is eating lunch with his date, Miranda.  The restaurant is bustling with activity.)

Miranda:…so that's when I knew I wanted to become a teacher.  When I saw that kid smile and understand, it felt so good.

Joey: That's great; you like kids?

Miranda: I love working with them.  Do you enjoy your job at Days of our Lives?

Joey: I really enjoy it, but I'm always for other projects to expand my range.  Hey, can I ask you a question?

Miranda: Sure.

Joey: Now, even though I've only known you for a little while, I can already tell that you're so smart and funny and motivated.

Miranda: Thanks, that's sweet.

Joey: Yeah, I know.  But if I could ask you, if you had kids, do you think you'd be a good mother?

Miranda: Uh, I haven't really thought about that; I'd try to be the best mom I could.

Joey: Ok…oh let's assume we were married and had kids.  I have to work full time.  Would you have the patience to wait until the kids were at a decent age before going back to work?

Miranda: What?  I don't think this is an appropriate question for our first date.

Joey: Well, I'm just trying to see how much of a match we are.

Miranda: What are you talking about?

Joey: I didn't want to mention this, but I made a list of qualities that I'm looking for in a woman.  I mean, if we don't match on enough of these, we shouldn't waste our time, you know?

(The scene cuts to Phoebe's apartment.  Phoebe and Mike are talking to Joey.)

Phoebe: You told her about the list?!  What did we say?

Joey: Hey, I wanted –

Phoebe: What did we say?

Joey: Don't talk about the list.  But I wanted to get to the point.  You guys said I should get to know her during the date and that's what I was doing.

Mike: You don't try to know everything on the first date.  Some of the stuff you wrote down is really personal; you shouldn't talk about it too soon.  It'll just scare women away.

Joey (sighing in frustration): This is so hard.  Why can't I just find the right girl now?

Phoebe (hugging Joey): It's never that easy, Joey; I had to go through so many failed relationships and Mike suffered through a terrible marriage before we found each other.  But it feels so worth it when it happens.  Trust us on that.

Joey: Thanks Pheebs, you too Mike.

New York University – Ross' Paleontology Class (Ross' class is taking a test; he's walking up and down the aisles, observing and making sure no one is cheating.)

Ross (notices a student stretching his neck): Hey hey hey, mister.  Keep your eyes on your paper.

(A few minutes pass.)

Ross: Ok time's up.  Finish whatever answer you're on and make a stack of tests on the tests.  Have a good weekend, everyone. (He looks at the top test paper; it reads "Bite me, Mr. Geller.")  Insults are not appreciated, Mr. Fuller!

[ENDING CREDITS]

Chandler and Monica's Apartment (It is early morning as Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Mike are standing on the balcony.  They are each holding a yellow rose.)

(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in a stroller.  They're holding yellow roses as well.)

Ross (to Monica): I hope we're not late.

Monica: You're just in time.  (Ross, Rachel, and Emma join the others.  There's a radio on the ledge.)

Radio: And on this day, we commemorate the second anniversary of September 11, 2001.  Let us observe a moment of silence in remembrance.

(Everyone holds hands and bow their heads, their yellow flowers fluttering in the wind.)

Remember, reflect, and never forget.  In memory of September 11, 2001.