PotC: The Curse of the MARY SUES!!!
Disclaimer: I own nothing PotC related. But I do own the SOUNDTRACK!!! *holds up disc* BOW TO THE SOUNDTRACK-Y GOODNESS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough choke hack*
Note: Woo-hoo! 32 Reviews! *does the happy dance*. Thank you SO very much to all of my reviewers! Love ya! *muah!*
Another Note: For my next chapter, I need your help. Please tell me whether you'd like it to be about . . .
21st-century-dropped-in-the-1700's Mary Sue
Canon!Sue Elizabeth or Ana Maria (shudder) *Thanks Jehan's Muse!*
Bitchy-hates-all-men-but-somehow-falls-in-love-with-Jack-and/or-Will Sue
Fated-Sue ("upon reaching maturity, proceeds to re-enact the adventures of her "parent" [i.e. Jack or Will], often gathering other Sues to her side in the process.")
The Last Note (I swear): If you'd like to read up on the common types of Sues out there, I recommend h t t p : / / m h a r I . f a t e b a c k . c o m / s u e s . h t m l (without the spaces, of course). It is a very good website that gives you in-depth information and the classifications of each type of Sue out there. Very interesting, indeed.
Chapter 4: The Many Adventures of Helpless-Maiden Mary Sue: Part II
A very drunk (and very out of character) Will Turner swayed around the pub, clutching a massive mug full of some absurdly strong alcoholic drink in his right hand. In his other, he held on to his long lost twin sister, Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow -Turner. No one knew why she also had Jack's last name. But heck, most Mary Sue stories make no sense anyway.
"And so, " slurred Will, extremely drunk, "Jack and I set off after the Black Pearl, but I don't remember why. I think it was to rescue some girl, but she's not in this story, so we won't talk about her."
Pearlescent smiled, flashing her pearly-whites. She nodded.
"That's fascinating, Will. Now, where did your friend Jack run off to?" she asked, glancing out the window. For in Mary-Sue stories, it is best to get to the smut as soon as possible.
"Jack?" Will responded, looking confused. "I dunno, why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason," replied Pearlescent. She decided to change the subject. "So, Will, what have you been up to these past eight years?" "Not much, " answered Will. "I WAS a blacksmith, but now I'm a . . .a. . .PIRATE!!!!" he shouted, waving his arms in the air. "YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR M-" he began, but was abruptly cut off when a glass bottle was smashed over his head. He teetered for a moment, and then hit the floor, utterly unconscious.
Pearlescent dropped what remained of the broken bottle to the floor. With that annoying Will out of the way, she could move on to *other* things.
My plan is falling into place, she thought, as her eyes changed to a demonic-cherry shade of red. It was getting dark outside; best be off to find Jack. . .
***Meanwhile. . . ***
Jack Sparrow paced back and forth across the deck of his ship. What was going on? Will had a twin sister? Why the bloody hell did she have his last name? And her name was PEARLESCENT?!? What WAS going on?
Just then, a horrible thought struck him. He had heard tales. . . tales of an evil so incredibly EVIL that it struck without warning. So EVIL that it plagued the world, polluting the minds of its inhabitants. This dreaded EVIL was known as. . .as. . . a Mary Sue!
Bloody hell! Mary Sues! Jack had heard of those things when he was a young boy. He had never believed the tales, until they became the REAL cause of the death of his old friend Bootstrap Bill. The whole cannon-to-the- bootstraps thing was just the cover up story. No, the sad truth of it was that a few years before, poor old Bill had been trampled to death by a raging hoard of Sues and fangirls. Jack could still hear their hellish cries. . .
"Oh, like, look, it's BOOTSTRAP BILL!!! ORLI'S DAD!! AIEEEE!!!!"
Jack shuddered, trying to shake that awful memory from his mind. He had other things to do. He had to find Will, and tell him what was going on. He turned to the ladder that would lower him down to his rowboat, but stopped dead when he saw what was slowly making its way up the ladder. . .
"Pearlescent!" Jack cried, slowly backing away, looking for a weapon to use against this otherworldly monstrosity.
"Hello, Jack," said Pearlescent in a voice that Jack assumed was supposed to be seductive.
"Oh, uh, hullo, er, d'you know where Will is?" he asked, in a feeble attempt at stalling the creature slowly making her way over to him.
"Will? Oh, let's not worry about him right now. . ." Pearlescent said, shaking her head. "We have more important things to do . . . " she said, giggling and playing with a strand of her golden hair.
Jack looked puzzled. "What?. . . Oh. . . YAAAHHH!!!" He screamed, quickening his backward-walking pace so that now it was more of a backward- run.
"Oh, come on Jack, you know you can't resist me! No one can! I'm a Mary S-. . . I mean, I'm Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow-Turner!" She cried, continuing to advance slowly towards Jack.
"No, no, NO! I know what you are!" Bellowed Jack. "You're a M-. . . Merry . . . Mary. . . Mary Stew. . . Marry Soon. . .Merry Spoon. . ." he said, trying to remember exactly WHAT it was that she . . . er, was.
"Mary Sue?" Pearlescent suggested, and then clamped a hand over her Maybelline-lipstick-ad mouth.
"Yes, that's it, Mary Sue! You're a Mary Sue!" cried Jack, looking quite pleased with himself.
"What? No, I'm. . .I'm. . ." started Pearlescent-the-Mary-Sue, but stopped abruptly when a bolt of lightning zapped the deck right next to her.
"MY SHIP!!" Jack cried, flinging himself down onto the deck of the Pearl. "Look, you can do whatever you want to me, but please don't hurt me ship!"
"That. . .that wasn't me. . . I don't think it was me. . ." stuttered Pearlescent.
(I know what all you readers must be thinking right about now: the traditional Mary Sue discovery-of-the-unknown-powers ceremony. But, for the protection of all things sacred, I decided to leave out that little ditty. This just shows how much I CARE about the mental health of my readers! *sniffle*)
But before she could say anymore, a powerful voice boomed, "SILENCE!!"
Jack looked over to the spot where the bolt of lightning had hit the deck. In the place of a very charred chunk of wood, there stood a woman. The MOST beautiful woman that Jack EVER seen. (This time, she really was.) She was a moderately tall woman with lavender hair that cascaded down her shoulders like a waterfall. She was extremely skinny, and wore a light blue dress that almost covered her ankles. Her enormous white wings stretched out behind her, and her light pink eyes sparkled like diamonds. In her hand, she held a long silver staff, and on the very tip was a massive ruby, carved into a circular symbol and on which the letters 'MS' were written.
When Jack finally had the courage to speak, he asked rather abruptly, "Who are YOU?"
"Silence, mere mortal! I am Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow, the Queen of all Mary Sues!" She thundered, and then turned toward Pearlescent.
"You!" she roared. "You are Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow-Turner, correct?"
"Y-yes," replied Pearlescent, looking absolutely terrified.
"You have defiled the laws set down by myself, and I, in all my glory, banish you to the depths of the realm of Author-self-insertions for ETERNITY!!!" she yelled.
"NO! Please, oh mighty Queen! I didn't mean to, I was just trying to-" Pearlescent stammered, bowing to the Queen.
"You know the law, " answered Queen Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow. "A proper Mary Sue is NEVER to admit to a mortal that she is, in fact, a Mary Sue! She must deny this at least 17 times in the Authors Notes, with phrases such as "I swear to you that this is not a Mary Sue" or , even better, "dis storie is no Mary Sue, whateva dat is. this is my firsst storie, so pleeze no flamez and be nice and R&R !!!1!!!11!!!!1!".
"Queen, no, please, don't do this to me-" Pearlescent whimpered.
"SILENCE!!" Bellowed the Queen, brandishing her staff and aiming it at the Mary Sue before her. "Be gone!"
There was a flash of white light, and Pearlescent screamed. Jack, who had been watching this whole ordeal rather intently, yelped and shielded his eyes against the blast. When he was able to look up, Pearlescent was gone.
The mighty Queen looked down at him. "My work here is done. I must return to my own realm." She explained. She turned to leave, but then glanced back. "Say, you're one good looking fellow. Why don't you come live with me in the Land of Eternal Sparkly-ness? You can be my King!"
Jack sprung up from his current position on the deck, and, with a yelp, threw himself into the ocean.
Queen Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow sighed. And with another flash of light, she was gone.
Ta-da! There's chapter 4, and I must say that it's the longest chapter I've written yet! Go me! Woot!
And now, in response to your reviews!! :D
krenya-alenak - Thanks! I will!
Al Starkey - Hehe. . .Thanks so much!
Roz Morgan - Great! You think so? Aw, shucks. . . *blush*
Daroga's Rainy Daae - LOL, I like that part as well (. And thank you for the script location! I was looking for it for SO friggin' long. . .
Maien - Yes, thanks so much for the email, I fixed that 'anonymous' thing right after you emailed me :D. Your review certainly brightened my week, thank you so very much!!! And I'm on your Fave Authors list?!?! Weee!!! But I'm not so sure about the sanity thing. . . *laughs like an idiot* Bwahahahaha!! *choke*
Shadow Phenix - Yeah, I just had to say something about that. It was annoying me GREATLY. And tell the other chick in the lab I said hi! LOL!
Oni3 - THANK YOU SO MUCH!! *grins* That is a very good suggestion, maybe I shall include that Sue as well! And tell your cuz I said hello as well! XD
Tabitha Sly - Hehe, brilliant? Thank you! And I am sad to say that I am not. Thanks again :) !
panther7x - I'm glad you think so! XD And I hate them as well! Death to the Sues!
DuncanAndTheSpork - Thanks! I hate them as well. With a passion. And I have no idea why anybody doesn't realize that. There are only a few good OC stories out there that DON'T involve some sort of romance between them and a canon character. Yuck. And you'll have to teach me that dance! *attempts dance and falls on arse*. Oh well. Thanks for the pizza! *munches on pizza* Whawuacawupffctgy? Jksprowucurs! [translation: What would I call a perfect guy? Jack Sparrow, o' course!!] *cheesy grin*
Stefynae - Thanks, I tried to make this chapter a lot longer :)
Jehan's Muse - I've never read any Norringtion sues, but I'm sure they're just as revolting as the rest. And Canon!Sues are a deadly breed of their own. So I guess I'll eventually include them to torment Jack and Will! Jack: Hey! Will: Yeah, what's that all about? Do you hate us? *sniffle* Beads: Of course not! Will: *cries* Beads: Great.
DeadRoses - Thank you thank you thank you!!! They ALL must DIE!!! *insane look* And you are right, I have noticed some of the signs. (i.e. the whole "my place is between you and Jack" speech). Yup X).
Professor Weasley - Huzzah! I am incredibly hyper as well! (RED BULL!! WOOT!) Good luck with your story, I look forward to reading it! And I plan on eventually having a future-to-the-past or whatever you'd like to call it Sue.
Very, very sorry if I missed anyone. Please continue to review, I love them all so very much! *hugs reviews*. And I'm such a good mood today, I've decided to let you all have Jack and Will. For a day.
Jack: Hey! When did we agree to this?
Beads: You didn't.
Will: So we don't have to do it!
Beads: Oh, yes you do! *holds up a pen and paper* Or else I shall write my own SELF INSERTION FIC involving the BOTH OF YOU!!
Both: ACK!!
Beads: I thought so.
That's all for now, adios!!!
-Beads
Disclaimer: I own nothing PotC related. But I do own the SOUNDTRACK!!! *holds up disc* BOW TO THE SOUNDTRACK-Y GOODNESS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough choke hack*
Note: Woo-hoo! 32 Reviews! *does the happy dance*. Thank you SO very much to all of my reviewers! Love ya! *muah!*
Another Note: For my next chapter, I need your help. Please tell me whether you'd like it to be about . . .
21st-century-dropped-in-the-1700's Mary Sue
Canon!Sue Elizabeth or Ana Maria (shudder) *Thanks Jehan's Muse!*
Bitchy-hates-all-men-but-somehow-falls-in-love-with-Jack-and/or-Will Sue
Fated-Sue ("upon reaching maturity, proceeds to re-enact the adventures of her "parent" [i.e. Jack or Will], often gathering other Sues to her side in the process.")
The Last Note (I swear): If you'd like to read up on the common types of Sues out there, I recommend h t t p : / / m h a r I . f a t e b a c k . c o m / s u e s . h t m l (without the spaces, of course). It is a very good website that gives you in-depth information and the classifications of each type of Sue out there. Very interesting, indeed.
Chapter 4: The Many Adventures of Helpless-Maiden Mary Sue: Part II
A very drunk (and very out of character) Will Turner swayed around the pub, clutching a massive mug full of some absurdly strong alcoholic drink in his right hand. In his other, he held on to his long lost twin sister, Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow -Turner. No one knew why she also had Jack's last name. But heck, most Mary Sue stories make no sense anyway.
"And so, " slurred Will, extremely drunk, "Jack and I set off after the Black Pearl, but I don't remember why. I think it was to rescue some girl, but she's not in this story, so we won't talk about her."
Pearlescent smiled, flashing her pearly-whites. She nodded.
"That's fascinating, Will. Now, where did your friend Jack run off to?" she asked, glancing out the window. For in Mary-Sue stories, it is best to get to the smut as soon as possible.
"Jack?" Will responded, looking confused. "I dunno, why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason," replied Pearlescent. She decided to change the subject. "So, Will, what have you been up to these past eight years?" "Not much, " answered Will. "I WAS a blacksmith, but now I'm a . . .a. . .PIRATE!!!!" he shouted, waving his arms in the air. "YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR M-" he began, but was abruptly cut off when a glass bottle was smashed over his head. He teetered for a moment, and then hit the floor, utterly unconscious.
Pearlescent dropped what remained of the broken bottle to the floor. With that annoying Will out of the way, she could move on to *other* things.
My plan is falling into place, she thought, as her eyes changed to a demonic-cherry shade of red. It was getting dark outside; best be off to find Jack. . .
***Meanwhile. . . ***
Jack Sparrow paced back and forth across the deck of his ship. What was going on? Will had a twin sister? Why the bloody hell did she have his last name? And her name was PEARLESCENT?!? What WAS going on?
Just then, a horrible thought struck him. He had heard tales. . . tales of an evil so incredibly EVIL that it struck without warning. So EVIL that it plagued the world, polluting the minds of its inhabitants. This dreaded EVIL was known as. . .as. . . a Mary Sue!
Bloody hell! Mary Sues! Jack had heard of those things when he was a young boy. He had never believed the tales, until they became the REAL cause of the death of his old friend Bootstrap Bill. The whole cannon-to-the- bootstraps thing was just the cover up story. No, the sad truth of it was that a few years before, poor old Bill had been trampled to death by a raging hoard of Sues and fangirls. Jack could still hear their hellish cries. . .
"Oh, like, look, it's BOOTSTRAP BILL!!! ORLI'S DAD!! AIEEEE!!!!"
Jack shuddered, trying to shake that awful memory from his mind. He had other things to do. He had to find Will, and tell him what was going on. He turned to the ladder that would lower him down to his rowboat, but stopped dead when he saw what was slowly making its way up the ladder. . .
"Pearlescent!" Jack cried, slowly backing away, looking for a weapon to use against this otherworldly monstrosity.
"Hello, Jack," said Pearlescent in a voice that Jack assumed was supposed to be seductive.
"Oh, uh, hullo, er, d'you know where Will is?" he asked, in a feeble attempt at stalling the creature slowly making her way over to him.
"Will? Oh, let's not worry about him right now. . ." Pearlescent said, shaking her head. "We have more important things to do . . . " she said, giggling and playing with a strand of her golden hair.
Jack looked puzzled. "What?. . . Oh. . . YAAAHHH!!!" He screamed, quickening his backward-walking pace so that now it was more of a backward- run.
"Oh, come on Jack, you know you can't resist me! No one can! I'm a Mary S-. . . I mean, I'm Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow-Turner!" She cried, continuing to advance slowly towards Jack.
"No, no, NO! I know what you are!" Bellowed Jack. "You're a M-. . . Merry . . . Mary. . . Mary Stew. . . Marry Soon. . .Merry Spoon. . ." he said, trying to remember exactly WHAT it was that she . . . er, was.
"Mary Sue?" Pearlescent suggested, and then clamped a hand over her Maybelline-lipstick-ad mouth.
"Yes, that's it, Mary Sue! You're a Mary Sue!" cried Jack, looking quite pleased with himself.
"What? No, I'm. . .I'm. . ." started Pearlescent-the-Mary-Sue, but stopped abruptly when a bolt of lightning zapped the deck right next to her.
"MY SHIP!!" Jack cried, flinging himself down onto the deck of the Pearl. "Look, you can do whatever you want to me, but please don't hurt me ship!"
"That. . .that wasn't me. . . I don't think it was me. . ." stuttered Pearlescent.
(I know what all you readers must be thinking right about now: the traditional Mary Sue discovery-of-the-unknown-powers ceremony. But, for the protection of all things sacred, I decided to leave out that little ditty. This just shows how much I CARE about the mental health of my readers! *sniffle*)
But before she could say anymore, a powerful voice boomed, "SILENCE!!"
Jack looked over to the spot where the bolt of lightning had hit the deck. In the place of a very charred chunk of wood, there stood a woman. The MOST beautiful woman that Jack EVER seen. (This time, she really was.) She was a moderately tall woman with lavender hair that cascaded down her shoulders like a waterfall. She was extremely skinny, and wore a light blue dress that almost covered her ankles. Her enormous white wings stretched out behind her, and her light pink eyes sparkled like diamonds. In her hand, she held a long silver staff, and on the very tip was a massive ruby, carved into a circular symbol and on which the letters 'MS' were written.
When Jack finally had the courage to speak, he asked rather abruptly, "Who are YOU?"
"Silence, mere mortal! I am Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow, the Queen of all Mary Sues!" She thundered, and then turned toward Pearlescent.
"You!" she roared. "You are Pearlescent Sirenadies Sparrow-Turner, correct?"
"Y-yes," replied Pearlescent, looking absolutely terrified.
"You have defiled the laws set down by myself, and I, in all my glory, banish you to the depths of the realm of Author-self-insertions for ETERNITY!!!" she yelled.
"NO! Please, oh mighty Queen! I didn't mean to, I was just trying to-" Pearlescent stammered, bowing to the Queen.
"You know the law, " answered Queen Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow. "A proper Mary Sue is NEVER to admit to a mortal that she is, in fact, a Mary Sue! She must deny this at least 17 times in the Authors Notes, with phrases such as "I swear to you that this is not a Mary Sue" or , even better, "dis storie is no Mary Sue, whateva dat is. this is my firsst storie, so pleeze no flamez and be nice and R&R !!!1!!!11!!!!1!".
"Queen, no, please, don't do this to me-" Pearlescent whimpered.
"SILENCE!!" Bellowed the Queen, brandishing her staff and aiming it at the Mary Sue before her. "Be gone!"
There was a flash of white light, and Pearlescent screamed. Jack, who had been watching this whole ordeal rather intently, yelped and shielded his eyes against the blast. When he was able to look up, Pearlescent was gone.
The mighty Queen looked down at him. "My work here is done. I must return to my own realm." She explained. She turned to leave, but then glanced back. "Say, you're one good looking fellow. Why don't you come live with me in the Land of Eternal Sparkly-ness? You can be my King!"
Jack sprung up from his current position on the deck, and, with a yelp, threw himself into the ocean.
Queen Jade Kat Raven Celeste Ruby Mystique Marie Rose Stella Moonshadow sighed. And with another flash of light, she was gone.
Ta-da! There's chapter 4, and I must say that it's the longest chapter I've written yet! Go me! Woot!
And now, in response to your reviews!! :D
krenya-alenak - Thanks! I will!
Al Starkey - Hehe. . .Thanks so much!
Roz Morgan - Great! You think so? Aw, shucks. . . *blush*
Daroga's Rainy Daae - LOL, I like that part as well (. And thank you for the script location! I was looking for it for SO friggin' long. . .
Maien - Yes, thanks so much for the email, I fixed that 'anonymous' thing right after you emailed me :D. Your review certainly brightened my week, thank you so very much!!! And I'm on your Fave Authors list?!?! Weee!!! But I'm not so sure about the sanity thing. . . *laughs like an idiot* Bwahahahaha!! *choke*
Shadow Phenix - Yeah, I just had to say something about that. It was annoying me GREATLY. And tell the other chick in the lab I said hi! LOL!
Oni3 - THANK YOU SO MUCH!! *grins* That is a very good suggestion, maybe I shall include that Sue as well! And tell your cuz I said hello as well! XD
Tabitha Sly - Hehe, brilliant? Thank you! And I am sad to say that I am not. Thanks again :) !
panther7x - I'm glad you think so! XD And I hate them as well! Death to the Sues!
DuncanAndTheSpork - Thanks! I hate them as well. With a passion. And I have no idea why anybody doesn't realize that. There are only a few good OC stories out there that DON'T involve some sort of romance between them and a canon character. Yuck. And you'll have to teach me that dance! *attempts dance and falls on arse*. Oh well. Thanks for the pizza! *munches on pizza* Whawuacawupffctgy? Jksprowucurs! [translation: What would I call a perfect guy? Jack Sparrow, o' course!!] *cheesy grin*
Stefynae - Thanks, I tried to make this chapter a lot longer :)
Jehan's Muse - I've never read any Norringtion sues, but I'm sure they're just as revolting as the rest. And Canon!Sues are a deadly breed of their own. So I guess I'll eventually include them to torment Jack and Will! Jack: Hey! Will: Yeah, what's that all about? Do you hate us? *sniffle* Beads: Of course not! Will: *cries* Beads: Great.
DeadRoses - Thank you thank you thank you!!! They ALL must DIE!!! *insane look* And you are right, I have noticed some of the signs. (i.e. the whole "my place is between you and Jack" speech). Yup X).
Professor Weasley - Huzzah! I am incredibly hyper as well! (RED BULL!! WOOT!) Good luck with your story, I look forward to reading it! And I plan on eventually having a future-to-the-past or whatever you'd like to call it Sue.
Very, very sorry if I missed anyone. Please continue to review, I love them all so very much! *hugs reviews*. And I'm such a good mood today, I've decided to let you all have Jack and Will. For a day.
Jack: Hey! When did we agree to this?
Beads: You didn't.
Will: So we don't have to do it!
Beads: Oh, yes you do! *holds up a pen and paper* Or else I shall write my own SELF INSERTION FIC involving the BOTH OF YOU!!
Both: ACK!!
Beads: I thought so.
That's all for now, adios!!!
-Beads
