by: TRVMB
Pretty Wife's mind was racing as she pulled into Rebecca the Sassy's driveway. She wasn't sure what was going on, or what to expect, but she knew that Rebecca had taken Junior/Baby Heir, and he was her main concern. As she stepped out of her sensible vehicle, she flung her pursestrap over her shoulder, pushed her hand into her purse, and wrapped her fingers around her trusty can of Mace. She needed to be prepared, and if Rebecca the Sassy wanted to fight, then Pretty Wife was going to give her a run for her money.
The front door opened as Pretty Wife approached. Rebecca the Sassy, with Junior on her hip, ushered her into the house. Pretty Wife entered, her hand still clinging to the mace. She needed to be careful in her approach, so as not to endanger Baby Heir.
"What the freak are you doing here? Do you have any freaking idea how dangerous this is? Did anyone see you?" Rebecca whispered, shutting the door.
"What do you mean? And what the H-E-Double Hockeysticks are you doing with my son?" Pretty Wife responded. She wasn't afraid to talk like a sailor, either, when the occasion arose.
"I know how this looks, P.W., and I'd be just as upset as you are right now if someone ever took my baby, LeRoy, like I had to take Junior. But you have to trust me--he was in danger. With Consolation Husband at your side during your hospital stay, there was no way I could explain all this to you. So I did what I had to do to keep your son safe."
"What are you talking about? Give me my son," Pretty Wife demanded, reaching for Baby Heir.
Rebecca the Sassy stepped out of her reach. "I will, P.W., I will. But first, I need you to sit down and listen to what I have to say. Everything you've come to know as the truth is a lie."
Pretty Wife stumbled into Rebecca the Sassy's humble living room and sat down on a well-worn ottoman. Her purse and Mace forgotten, she stammered, "Please, Rebecca the Sassy, please tell me what is going on. My world has been turned upside down within the last week, ever since Stranger appeared. I can't help but think there must be some sort of a connection. Please... Tell me everything you know."
Seeing that Pretty Wife was being receptive, Rebecca the Sassy sat Baby Heir down on the floor. He immediately crawled over to his mother, and she picked him up and sat him in her lap. Rebecca the Sassy seated herself on her circa 1976, brown and lime-green plaid couch, and began to speak. "P.W., you've got to be confused by now. Anyone would be. But believe me when I say that Consolation Husband is not to be trusted. He is involved in a scheme that is more far-reaching than you can imagine. The FBI has been probing into his activities for years now, long before you and Junior were in the picture."
Pretty Wife could not believe her ears. What was this woman saying to her? Could this be true of Consolation Husband, the man to whom she'd given her heart, the man with whom she had borne a son, the man who had supported her financially, if not emotionally, all this time?
"I know it sounds outrageous. That's why we've kept it from you for so long. We didn't want to frighten you, or to jeopardize our investigation."
"What?! Who is "we"? Who are you, Rebecca the Sassy? Do I even know you? Do I know ANYONE?!" Pretty Wife began to sob, and reached into her purse for a Puffs Plus.
"I am your friend, P.W. But I also work for the FBI. I've been posing as a waitress at Phil's Diner, just like Dan the Dry has been posing as a drycleaner." Before Rebecca the Sassy could even finish the sentence, Dan the Dry entered the living room from a bedroom in the back of the house. His head was bandaged, but other than that, he looked pretty well, considering he had been hit by an American-made blue Buick just days before. He winked at Pretty Wife and smiled a dimply smile, sitting down on the couch by Rebecca the Sassy.
"This doesn't make any sense, Rebecca the Sassy. How could you two be working for the FBI together, when you so clearly were the one who hit Dan the Dry in front of my home, which is neatly positioned within a lovely development?" Pretty Wife understandably questioned.
"It wasn't Rebecca the Sassy who hit me with the blue Buick, Pretty Wife," Dan the Dry cooed. "Someone used her vehicle to commit that crime. Which is why we have to act now--it seems that they are onto us. And we're going to need your help to seal this case air-tight. How do you feel about that?"
Pretty Wife wasn't sure how she felt about anything--much less sealing deals at a time like this. She was numb from the top of her well-coiffed head to the tip of her polished toenails. She held Junior tightly as she stammered, "Tell me everything."
"Well, we thought we'd let your father explain it all to you, Pretty Wife," said Rebecca the Sassy.
"My father? My father is dead. He was killed when I was three years old, in a freak craft-show accident. I thought you worked for the FBI--shouldn't you know that?" Pretty Wife was on the edge, and for her, that meant sarcasm.
"Pretty Wife, you don't know? Your mother never told you, after all these years? Your father is alive and well," Dan the Dry said softly, walking over to Pretty Wife as she trembled on the well-worn ottoman. He put his strong, virile arm around her, as she clung to him and began to sob into his muscled, hairless chest. How many secrets had been kept from her? Why would her mother keep her from her father all her life? What was going on? And why, oh why, did Dan the Dry have to be so darn chiseled and good-smelling?
"You've never before met your father?" Rebecca the Sassy asked. "Well, honey, comb your hair and paint and powder-- you're meeting him today. He'll answer all your questions."
DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a work of parody and satirical fiction, and claims no affiliation with the Lifetime Network and remains the exclusive intellectual property of its respective authors at MBTV4Supalazy; AAB, TRVMB, JMG, and KLS. Posted by Neftzer (c) 2003
Hank Williams lyric from "Settin' the Woods on Fire"
