by: KLS
Previously on ASiT: Pretty Wife snuck out of her luxurious but tasteful house to drive to Rebecca the Sassy's house where RtS was holding Junior for his own safety, allegedly. We also learned that incest is bad, and Stranger is allegedly Pretty Wife's husband AND half-brother. The accident that changed P.W's life forever was caused by P.W.'s presumed dead father. And P.W. was going to meet her father for the very first time. Dan the Dry, still alive.
Pretty Wife couldn't do much but stare as a man that Rebecca the Sassy was calling her dead father entered the room.
"Pretty Wife," presumed dead Dad said as he walked towards PW.
Sassy and Dan the Dry just stood beaming as though watching this special reunion reaffirmed everything about their lives.
Pretty Wife stumbled to stand and backed away. She held Junior close. "Don't come any closer. You stay away from me. Now, I want someone to explain what's going on." Everything was so convoluted. The past few days had just been a tangle of twists and turns, identities revealed and secrets kept. Pretty Wife couldn't keep up with it all. Pretty Wife, of course, had her own secrets. About a night, a drive, a bridge, and a man who wasn't her husband.
Sassy reached her arm out towards Pretty Wife, but Pretty Wife jerked it away. "We understand P.W." the Sassy said reassuringly. "This must be very difficult for you. I think I have some nice colorful graphs from our police meeting last week."
"When's the last time you had something to eat?" Dan the Dry asked, bandaged but still looking like a manly piece of man-flesh.
Pretty Wife shook her head. She felt like she was on the verge of losing it and at any moment she would just run screaming from the house. As tempting as that was, she needed to think of Junior. Having a crazy mother was just not good for a child's development. That's what all the books told her.
"I think the Sassy has some leftovers from the diner in the kitchen," Dan the Dry said, leaving Pretty Wife alone with presumed dead Dad.
"Is that my grandson?" presumed dead Dad said gruffly, as though he were about to cry--because even a tough-cop from New York can get choked up about his grandchildren.
"He's my son. Mine. I don't know who you are. You can't be my father. My father wouldn't leave me and my mother all alone." Pretty Wife stroked the hair on Junior's head.
Dan the Dry came in with a sandwich and chips on a plate. "Eat this, Pretty Wife. You need to keep up your strength. For Junior."
Pretty Wife looked at him.
"Here, I'll take him. It's okay."
Pretty Wife relinquished Junior to the strong and stable arms of Dan the Dry and sat down to eat. She stared at him approvingly. She would need to find a father for Junior after all this was over, seeing as CH was unfit due to his criminal tendencies. At least, that's if these people were to be believed.
Rebecca the Sassy set up the four-color "Time-Line Flow Chart of Full Disclosure" on an easel in her living room.
With Junior on his hip, Dan the Dry began to explain. "We've been investigating Consolation Husband for three years." He pointed to the chart and followed the jagged lines up and down as he spoke. "Ever since the announcement of your engagement appeared in the society page of Town Falls. We knew that he had to be up to something, and that maybe we'd be able to get some hard evidence."
"Maybe it wasn't criminal. Maybe he loved me," Pretty Wife said with her mouth full.
Dan the Dry continued, "You are the sole benefactor of the controlling interests of Big Business Competitor in the Big City. CH has been after this company for years. Now, married to you, he may get control, and with the technology of Big Business there will be no stopping him."
"Except he's gotten sloppy," presumed dead Dad interrupted. "He's left a trail of bodies that leads right to his front door."
"Everything clear?" Rebecca the Sassy asked, putting away the visual aid.
"What's he have to do with it?" Pretty Wife said, pointing to presumed dead Dad.
And then her father told her everything from Part Eighteen. About his other life, about dear departed dead boy being her half-brother and how presumed dead dad would've done anything to prevent their union--and did.
"So I wasn't imagining it, Stranger IS dear departed dead boy," Pretty Wife said. "And you caused the accident?"
Presumed Dead Dad nodded his head. "But he remembers nothing of that life. Of me."
Pretty Wife stood dramatically. "Oh, no. How could you? How could you have done something like that?"
Presumed Dead Dad wasn't quite sure which one of the horrible things he was supposed to have done she was referring to, so he kept his mouth shut.
"Don't you get it?" PW shrieked. "I was with Dear Departed Dead Boy. I wasn't in the car with my husband!"
DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a work of parody and satirical fiction, and claims no affiliation with the Lifetime Network and remains the exclusive intellectual property of its respective authors at MBTV4Supalazy; AAB, TRVMB, JMG, and KLS. Posted by Neftzer (c) 2003
As this portion was written by KLS, there are no Hank Williams lyrics.
