Faith, Trust and. . .Pixie Dust?

Chapter 1

PG-13

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I don't own them ~ they're all Tim's.  I just borrow them for stories ~ or they borrow my head!  :0)

Song lyrics: "I'll Try" from Return to Neverland, by Jonatha Brooke ~~ I'm just borrowing them as well.

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Jordan. . .

Great.  Here I am, sitting alone in the window in my loft.  I can't sleep.  At least not since. . .  I don't want to think about all that crap with Malden.  I was an idiot.  Jeeze I can be so stupid sometimes!  I try to act all big and grown-up, like I can take care of myself.  But that's all it is.  An act.  You'd think I'd be better at it by now.  After all, I've only been doing it for 24 years now.

What is that noise?  Oh.  Guess I'm not the only one still awake.  Someone somewhere close has their TV on or something.  I can hear the voices.  Great.  A musical.  Probably some Disney cartoon or something.  Hmm. . .  Interesting words. . .

I am not a child now

I can take care of myself

I mustn't let them down now

Mustn't let them see me cry

I'm fine, I'm fine

Oh yeah.  I know that feeling only too well.  I lived it after. . .after Mom died.  The first few days I was in shock ~ not crying or anything.  Everyone said how well I was doing, how strong I was being.  I guess it stuck and I figured that's how I was supposed to be.  After all, I'd never been through death before.  I was only ten.  How the hell was I supposed to know how to act.

I'm too tired to listen

I'm too old to believe

All these childish stories

There is no such thing as faith

And trust and pixie dust

Ain't that the truth?  "Have faith," everyone said.  "God will bring you through this."  Oh yeah.  Right.  Where was God when Mom was being murdered?  And then there was all that crap about how it was her time, how God called her to be with him.  Didn't God care about me?  I was only ten.  Dad tried.  He tried everything.  He said we'd be ok, that things would all be alright.  I guess in a way they were ~ are. 

I try

But it's so hard to believe

I try

But I can't see what you see

I try, I try, I try. . .

And then there was Confirmation Class.  I hated that ~ well, I didn't get it.  Everyone else was talking about faith.  About how God talked with them in their prayers.  They had some grand vision of things, and maybe they were right.  At least Paul was.  He seemed to always know what he was called to be.  Even when we went out, he was always somewhere else.  But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see it, couldn't hear any voice.  I didn't see or hear anything about someone speaking to me, giving me divine guidance.  I hadn't since that day. . .  Yeah, I went through the motions.  Had my confirmation.  But it didn't mean anything to me.  Yeah, I slept with the rosary under my pillow.  But I thought Mom had gotten it for me.  I thought maybe somehow I could connect with her.  Dad tried, but I needed my mother.  Especially. . .

My whole world is changing

I don't know where to turn

I can't leave you waiting

But I can't stay and watch this city burn

Watch it burn

Good God this song is appropriate.  Ok, so it's not quite this long. . .it's just stuck in my head.  If that isn't my life in a nutshell.  First there was the whole residency thing.  And what came after.  The pills, the whiskey, the hospital. . .  If that wasn't a time when I needed my mother, I don't know what was.

And then there was the whole affair thing.  But I don't want to go into that right now.  Been there, done that. . .got the scars to prove it.

I've gotta get out of here. Guess I'll go for a run.  At least it's something to do. . .  And it's not like I don't know the precautions to take to protect myself.  Especially after what happened 13 years or so ago!

Cause I try

But it's so hard to believe

I try

But I can't see what you see

I try, I try

What the. . .?  Where am I?  I've been here before.  But when. . .?  That case.  The one with the guy who claimed to be Saint Francis.  The homeless shelter.  But what the hell am I doing outside the homeless shelter?  It's not like I. . .  Oh well, might as well see if Paul's here.  Maybe he can help me make sense of all these things flying around in my mind.

I try and try to understand

The distance in between

The love I feel

And the things I fear

And every single dream

"Jordan?"

"Hey Paul.  Sorry to come by so late, but. . ."

"Are you ok?  What's wrong?"  He reached out and wiped a tear I didn't even know was there from my cheek.

"I just. . .  Paul, can we talk?"

"Sure, Jordan.  Come on in."

. . .to be continued. . .