Part IV
Summers' living room after Giles and Dawn's departure...
"So, you gonna tell me about the bruises now?"
"Sorry, luv. Can't, not ready for sharing."
"Well, in that case, you gonna tell me what you talked to Giles about?" she asked incredulously.
"Just your average 'how are' deal. Look, maybe I should-"
"Please don't finish that sentence if it involves you leaving." she said, looking steadily into his blue orbs.
"Buffy, it just hurts so much to here, in this house. You were right, Buffy. I'm nothing but 'an evil, disgusting thing." He said breaking her gaze and looking at his feet. "All I do is hurt people."
"No. That's not true and you know it." She said, grabbing his shoulders and then raising his chin so that he would look at her.
"Spike, when I said those things, I didn't mean it. I was kidding myself. I -"
"But Slayer, you were in denial for a reason. Buffy, you were ashamed of me, and I don't blame you. Not only am I vampire, but no soul, remember? You were punishing me because I wasn't Pe-, Angel and I wasn't Capn' Cardboard. And you were punishing yourself because I'm not them or like them, deep down, you loved me anyway. Or, so I hoped." He said with his spike grin, then tilted his head to the side and looked at her intently, locking her with his eyes.
"When you told me that you could never love me, it was like losin' you all over again. To be that close to you and not have you.... Kinda reminds me of white bread."
She about questioning on what he meant, but thought better of it. She walked to the couch and sat down, his back facing her as he remained standing in the foyer.
"Spike, if what we have is only lust, I'd be able to banish it from my mind as well as my heart. But I can't because, we have a passion- or a 'dance' as you'd call it. It's not finished yet. Not until one of us dies anyway."
He slowly turned around and sat on the coffee table across from her.
"Life is to short. I'm not sure if I've got too many lives yet so listen to me." she said with wide eyes and grasping his room temperature hands.
"You are the one for me. You were right. No other man could ever truly understand me the way you do. Hell, since we first met, you could see things about me that others couldn't. I want to be with you." he just stared at her unbelieving.
"I'm an adult and am completely capable of making my own decisions. I want you, all of you. I hope that you still want me."
"Always, luv." he said caressing her cheek.
"Hey, can you promise me something?" she said lowering her head. "Just promise no more ultimatums and leaving. I've had enough of those." she said nervously.
"Never, ever again. Promise." he said, then gently pulled her into a tender kiss. Buffy broke the kiss and beamed at him.
"Come on." she said as she got up and led him up the stairs.
Spike, please stop!
"I- I can't." he said shakily, eyes misty.
"What's wrong?" Buffy said, looking scarred at the uncertainty of what he meant.
"I'm scared." he said with a strained voice. Then it dawned on her.
"The bathroom." she said almost inaudibly. He turned his head away.
"I was just taking you to my room. We've never been there like this and, well it means a lot to me." she gave a pleading look. It was true, they'd been everywhere else...
"Right, then." he said while continuing to ascend the stairs. They entered the room and he tossed his coat aside.
"Buffy, I want to tell you something." he said as he held her hips and locked eyes with her.
"Shh." she said while pressing her index finger to his lips. She leaned up and gently kissed him. He pulled her closer and lifted her up. They continued their kiss as he carried her over to her bed. He sat down so that she'd be on top this time. He wanted her to lead the dance this time. He needed her to be in control because he felt utterly drained of power.
He succumbed to her every demand, every wish, every touch. He wanted her to make him feel like everything was going to be all right, though he severely thought otherwise.
She pulled off his black tee shirt and softly placed kisses on his lean, muscular chest. He pulled her blue sweater over her head and unbuttoned her pants. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, and felt her wetness. She lightly closed her eyes at this, and closed them tighter as he moved his fingers in slow circular motions. He was good with his circles.
After a couple of minutes, she removed his hand from her and proceeded to move from him so that she could slip her pants off. As she did this, he did the same, but in a slower, more sensuous manner. He shook his pants away from his ankles and stood there as she gazed at his incredible erection for what seemed like the thousandth time, yet it never ceased to amaze her.
He stepped towards her and unclasped her black bra with ease and let the straps slide down her tanned soldiers. He then tenderly kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. She brought her hands up hi s back and grasped his shoulders, pressing herself into him....
As they made love for the second, third, and fourth time that night, he couldn't stopped the tears. He cried out of happiness for having her in his arms, for her to hold him back.. But he also cried from grief, but not the typical brooding from all of the havoc he'd caused from his 120 years, but from the pain he caused her. He felt as if the feeling would never go away. He didn't feel worthy of looking at her at that moment. He was too disgusted with himself.
"Spike, why won't you look at me?" she said while cradling his face with her hands.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." he said while taking a glance at her and turning away again.
"Spike, what happened to you? Where'd you go?"
"I, not now, please." he said while abruptly getting up from her bed. Buffy could feel herself tensing up from her frustration at her injured vampire lover and tried helplessly to hold back tears. She sat up and asked, " why are you shutting me out? Why won't you tell me?"
"I will, it's just, I don't think now is the time, alright?"
"Then when is it time? I mean, you've got an eternity. When is it time for me?"
"If I tell you, it'll just make you more upset."
"Please just tell me. I want to know. I need to know."
"All right then, but brace yourself, Slayer." Buffy pulled the sheet up to her and watched as he paced the length of the room naked.
"Okay, I left good ol' Sunny D to get the chip removed from my head. Thought maybe it'd be better for the both of us if I could stop loving you. Seemed to me it was a whole lot easier when we was fightin' and hatin' each other. But I was stupid to think that. Me and you couldn't even inflict real pain towards each other till we started to care." He gave one of his barely audible raspy laughs and stopped pacing. He looked over at her- his 'effulgent' angel. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.
"So, I took a trip and found this demon and asked him to restore me. Make me the way I was..." he said as his voice lowered. "So I had to do these trials, which were really nothing but fights and challenges to death against these other demons. That's how I got the burns and bruises. And finally, he said that I'd passed. But he didn't remove the chip..." Buffy held her breath out of anticipation of what he was going to say next. He sighed heavily and continued.
"Well, he made me the way I was, kept his promise in a manner of speaking. He, he restored my soul, Buffy." He lowered his head and ran his hand through his hair.
She sat there for a moment, watching and thinking until it all sunk in.
"Do you still have it?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yea."
"Well, I guess I wasn't your complete happiness then, huh."
"What? Oh, no Buffy, of course you are, luv. It's just that I can't lose my soul. I'm not cursed. The soul is a 'gift'. There's no stipulation on me losin' it unless by magic or something."
"So, let me get this straight; you left to get rid of the chip and instead got your soul- a soul you can't lose, and are all upset and mopey 'cause of your reasons for leaving in the first place right?" she asked as she maneuvered herself with the sheet off the bed, walking towards him.
"Yea." He said while watching as she approached him.
"And, you're afraid that this'll put a glitch in our relationship." she said, caressing his face with light fingers. He just slightly nodded.
"Spike, as many problems that we've had, this would probably be at the bottom of the list." She said while moving her hand to stroke his hair. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "Buffy, I'm just scared. I don't want to lose you." Hugging him tighter in the embrace, she whispered back, " Never again."
*********************
The next day at Xander's....
"Willow, you ready to go?" Xander called from the bathroom as he got ready to go to Buffy's.
"I'm ready as in dressed, but I don't think I'm ready to go face her and Dawnie. Maybe we can do this next week?"
"Sorry, Will, it's been a long time already. You can do this. Buff's still your friend and she wants to help." He said while coming out of the bathroom while buttoning his shirt.
"You believe in me that much, huh?" she said with a slight smile.
"Always. Now, to the Xander- Mobile!"
*******************
later at Buffy's....
"Spike, how can you watch this stuff?" she said as she was curled up next to him on the couch with only a tee- shirt and her panties on.
"Hey, don't mock this. Passions is a very intriguing show." he said, only in his jeans.
"Yeah, well, it seems silly to me. Hey, let's watch Jenny Jones. I can always get a laugh out that show."
"Yeah, well-"
"Hey Buff! Just came by to say- oh god." Xander said with his eyes narrowed.
"Xander!"
TBC
Summers' living room after Giles and Dawn's departure...
"So, you gonna tell me about the bruises now?"
"Sorry, luv. Can't, not ready for sharing."
"Well, in that case, you gonna tell me what you talked to Giles about?" she asked incredulously.
"Just your average 'how are' deal. Look, maybe I should-"
"Please don't finish that sentence if it involves you leaving." she said, looking steadily into his blue orbs.
"Buffy, it just hurts so much to here, in this house. You were right, Buffy. I'm nothing but 'an evil, disgusting thing." He said breaking her gaze and looking at his feet. "All I do is hurt people."
"No. That's not true and you know it." She said, grabbing his shoulders and then raising his chin so that he would look at her.
"Spike, when I said those things, I didn't mean it. I was kidding myself. I -"
"But Slayer, you were in denial for a reason. Buffy, you were ashamed of me, and I don't blame you. Not only am I vampire, but no soul, remember? You were punishing me because I wasn't Pe-, Angel and I wasn't Capn' Cardboard. And you were punishing yourself because I'm not them or like them, deep down, you loved me anyway. Or, so I hoped." He said with his spike grin, then tilted his head to the side and looked at her intently, locking her with his eyes.
"When you told me that you could never love me, it was like losin' you all over again. To be that close to you and not have you.... Kinda reminds me of white bread."
She about questioning on what he meant, but thought better of it. She walked to the couch and sat down, his back facing her as he remained standing in the foyer.
"Spike, if what we have is only lust, I'd be able to banish it from my mind as well as my heart. But I can't because, we have a passion- or a 'dance' as you'd call it. It's not finished yet. Not until one of us dies anyway."
He slowly turned around and sat on the coffee table across from her.
"Life is to short. I'm not sure if I've got too many lives yet so listen to me." she said with wide eyes and grasping his room temperature hands.
"You are the one for me. You were right. No other man could ever truly understand me the way you do. Hell, since we first met, you could see things about me that others couldn't. I want to be with you." he just stared at her unbelieving.
"I'm an adult and am completely capable of making my own decisions. I want you, all of you. I hope that you still want me."
"Always, luv." he said caressing her cheek.
"Hey, can you promise me something?" she said lowering her head. "Just promise no more ultimatums and leaving. I've had enough of those." she said nervously.
"Never, ever again. Promise." he said, then gently pulled her into a tender kiss. Buffy broke the kiss and beamed at him.
"Come on." she said as she got up and led him up the stairs.
Spike, please stop!
"I- I can't." he said shakily, eyes misty.
"What's wrong?" Buffy said, looking scarred at the uncertainty of what he meant.
"I'm scared." he said with a strained voice. Then it dawned on her.
"The bathroom." she said almost inaudibly. He turned his head away.
"I was just taking you to my room. We've never been there like this and, well it means a lot to me." she gave a pleading look. It was true, they'd been everywhere else...
"Right, then." he said while continuing to ascend the stairs. They entered the room and he tossed his coat aside.
"Buffy, I want to tell you something." he said as he held her hips and locked eyes with her.
"Shh." she said while pressing her index finger to his lips. She leaned up and gently kissed him. He pulled her closer and lifted her up. They continued their kiss as he carried her over to her bed. He sat down so that she'd be on top this time. He wanted her to lead the dance this time. He needed her to be in control because he felt utterly drained of power.
He succumbed to her every demand, every wish, every touch. He wanted her to make him feel like everything was going to be all right, though he severely thought otherwise.
She pulled off his black tee shirt and softly placed kisses on his lean, muscular chest. He pulled her blue sweater over her head and unbuttoned her pants. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, and felt her wetness. She lightly closed her eyes at this, and closed them tighter as he moved his fingers in slow circular motions. He was good with his circles.
After a couple of minutes, she removed his hand from her and proceeded to move from him so that she could slip her pants off. As she did this, he did the same, but in a slower, more sensuous manner. He shook his pants away from his ankles and stood there as she gazed at his incredible erection for what seemed like the thousandth time, yet it never ceased to amaze her.
He stepped towards her and unclasped her black bra with ease and let the straps slide down her tanned soldiers. He then tenderly kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. She brought her hands up hi s back and grasped his shoulders, pressing herself into him....
As they made love for the second, third, and fourth time that night, he couldn't stopped the tears. He cried out of happiness for having her in his arms, for her to hold him back.. But he also cried from grief, but not the typical brooding from all of the havoc he'd caused from his 120 years, but from the pain he caused her. He felt as if the feeling would never go away. He didn't feel worthy of looking at her at that moment. He was too disgusted with himself.
"Spike, why won't you look at me?" she said while cradling his face with her hands.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." he said while taking a glance at her and turning away again.
"Spike, what happened to you? Where'd you go?"
"I, not now, please." he said while abruptly getting up from her bed. Buffy could feel herself tensing up from her frustration at her injured vampire lover and tried helplessly to hold back tears. She sat up and asked, " why are you shutting me out? Why won't you tell me?"
"I will, it's just, I don't think now is the time, alright?"
"Then when is it time? I mean, you've got an eternity. When is it time for me?"
"If I tell you, it'll just make you more upset."
"Please just tell me. I want to know. I need to know."
"All right then, but brace yourself, Slayer." Buffy pulled the sheet up to her and watched as he paced the length of the room naked.
"Okay, I left good ol' Sunny D to get the chip removed from my head. Thought maybe it'd be better for the both of us if I could stop loving you. Seemed to me it was a whole lot easier when we was fightin' and hatin' each other. But I was stupid to think that. Me and you couldn't even inflict real pain towards each other till we started to care." He gave one of his barely audible raspy laughs and stopped pacing. He looked over at her- his 'effulgent' angel. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.
"So, I took a trip and found this demon and asked him to restore me. Make me the way I was..." he said as his voice lowered. "So I had to do these trials, which were really nothing but fights and challenges to death against these other demons. That's how I got the burns and bruises. And finally, he said that I'd passed. But he didn't remove the chip..." Buffy held her breath out of anticipation of what he was going to say next. He sighed heavily and continued.
"Well, he made me the way I was, kept his promise in a manner of speaking. He, he restored my soul, Buffy." He lowered his head and ran his hand through his hair.
She sat there for a moment, watching and thinking until it all sunk in.
"Do you still have it?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yea."
"Well, I guess I wasn't your complete happiness then, huh."
"What? Oh, no Buffy, of course you are, luv. It's just that I can't lose my soul. I'm not cursed. The soul is a 'gift'. There's no stipulation on me losin' it unless by magic or something."
"So, let me get this straight; you left to get rid of the chip and instead got your soul- a soul you can't lose, and are all upset and mopey 'cause of your reasons for leaving in the first place right?" she asked as she maneuvered herself with the sheet off the bed, walking towards him.
"Yea." He said while watching as she approached him.
"And, you're afraid that this'll put a glitch in our relationship." she said, caressing his face with light fingers. He just slightly nodded.
"Spike, as many problems that we've had, this would probably be at the bottom of the list." She said while moving her hand to stroke his hair. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "Buffy, I'm just scared. I don't want to lose you." Hugging him tighter in the embrace, she whispered back, " Never again."
*********************
The next day at Xander's....
"Willow, you ready to go?" Xander called from the bathroom as he got ready to go to Buffy's.
"I'm ready as in dressed, but I don't think I'm ready to go face her and Dawnie. Maybe we can do this next week?"
"Sorry, Will, it's been a long time already. You can do this. Buff's still your friend and she wants to help." He said while coming out of the bathroom while buttoning his shirt.
"You believe in me that much, huh?" she said with a slight smile.
"Always. Now, to the Xander- Mobile!"
*******************
later at Buffy's....
"Spike, how can you watch this stuff?" she said as she was curled up next to him on the couch with only a tee- shirt and her panties on.
"Hey, don't mock this. Passions is a very intriguing show." he said, only in his jeans.
"Yeah, well, it seems silly to me. Hey, let's watch Jenny Jones. I can always get a laugh out that show."
"Yeah, well-"
"Hey Buff! Just came by to say- oh god." Xander said with his eyes narrowed.
"Xander!"
TBC
