Endless Love

-by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross-

Author: Ryuen

Genre: Romance/Angst/General

Pairing: SenRu

Warning/s: a bit OOC; uh… crap?!

Rating: PG

A/N: Another songfic… to those asking for a sequel to 'Tearin Up My Heart', I'm currently on it, not done yet though but very much trying my best to make it good for all of you, thanks so much to all those who reviewed all of my fics, you always made my day… ^_^ Uhm, I'm sorry if this will be a bit 'angsty', though I'll try my best to make it an 'angsty but nice' fic! ^^" [uh, since when did an 'angsty' fic became 'nice'?! argh!] I'm, so in the mood for angst fics so, forgive me, minna-san! Next, this fic is going to be a bit 'reverse' in terms of the manner of the story, gosh I dunno how to explain it- I mean, like, you see the 'song' itself talks about 'true love' […and rather, happiness…], right, and for me… well, err… I'm going to try my 'own' way of showing what 'true love' is… er… yess… in an 'angsty' way, I guess… *gulps* Ack, enough of this crap… Ja! R&R please….   ^-^' Last thingy, I know this is quite an old' song but damn, this is one of my all-time favorites! *sniffs*

::Standard Disclaimers Apply::

10:00 pm

He must be sleeping already. I just hope so I walked with careful steps from the kitchen to our room, carrying with me a tray with the meal I cooked for him a while ago. This has been the third attempt since seven a while ago, that I went to check up on him, and pleaded… for him to eat so that he will regain his strength. Akira… onegai

As I came face-to-face with the door, I slowly put down the tray on a table nearby and knocked ever-so-softly…

No answer… He must be already sleeping…

But, being the persistent type of guy I am, I gently turned the knob and pushed the door slowly. I peeped inside the room only to see his sleeping form… his chest was rising up and down… indicating that he was breathing slowly… accurately. Indicating that he's still with me… that he's going to get well soon… sooner…

I opened the door a bit wider, got the tray from the desk and walked in, closing the door behind me with a push from my right foot from behind. I took a deep breath and started walking towards that familiar bed where he has been lying for quite some time by now… Please get well soon… As I approached the bed and him, I slowly put the tray down on the table beside the bed and sat on the chair beside it.

I looked intently on the meal I prepared and sighed wearily. Why all of these… I tried to blank my mind… too tired to think of what really happened… too tired to accept the hurting truth over and over again… I can't accept it… I really can't… Gods, I *just* can't…  I felt tears slowly forming at the corner of my eyes, but I tried my very best not to let it cascade down on my face… I don't want for him to see that I'm this weak… I have to be strong for him… because all these years of being with him… he had only done two things in his life… and that is…

He had love me With all of his heart and soul… and,

He had been strong for me… Amidst the pain he has been enduring all along…

For he doesn't want to see me cry… for he doesn't want seeing me in panic whenever he has to feel that immeasurable pain in his head… always. Akira…

It is during this times I have always wished to cry and break down in front of him… for it is at these times, I wish I don't have to put up a fake façade in front of him… telling him that I'm okay wherein the hurting truth was that I'm never okay… I will never be, until you get well soon…

Akira… how could you… how could you take that… asking me whether I'm okay or not, when it is *me* who should be asking *you* that… I could only wonder… But that was then… tonight, I don't have to wonder anymore… for the truth is…

I was never strong… He had been the one who is…

I was never a fighter like what everyone thinks I am… He has been the one on the battlefield, whereas me… I was just always behind him all along…. Watching him… supporting him… Despite the strong urge within me to join him, he will never allow such thing, he is not being selfish… he just wont allow it…because…

He *loves* me with all of his heart….and life…. and,

He doesn't want to see me get hurt…

Damn you Akira… cant you see that you're just hurting me even more… cant you see that I'm trying to be that somebody I can never be for the sake of you… godammit, please… open your eyes for me… say that you will be well… say that…

I felt a tear slipped from the corner of my eyes… I'm so pathetic…

I cant help it… I didn't help it… It feels like there's a lump in my throat Its so hard to breathe now… I wiped that stubborn tear on my face with the back of my hand and sniffed.

…say that you'll never leave me…

For I can never bear the thought…. …no…

I looked at him and almost gasped when I saw his eyes… He's awake…

I stood up from the chair and slowly went over to him…

"Akira…" I whispered, my voice almost letting me down… wanting to sob. He shifted his gaze from the ceiling to me… he looked intently to me. Are those your unshed tears…

"…why don't… you… just leave… me…" I felt a dagger plunged deeply in my heart upon hearing those words. His voice… slowly but surely he spoke… I tried to swallow even though it feels like there's this huge thing in my throat… Why… why are you asking me to leave you… I can never do that…not now… not ever!

I looked at him and bit my lower lip… I leaned closer and tried to smile at him.Gods, putting up another façade… The pain in my heart is so tormenting… ripping me whole… But it is also at these times I know, I have to try harder… I needed to understand you better… no… more! It is at these times I have to be strong and extend this limited patience of mine to its length until I become so numb… Numb to all the possible physical hurting you might be inflicting on me over and over again… For deep inside of me, I know that you didn't mean to do those things to me… Right, Akira?… tell me… onegai… You don't mean all of those hurtings to me- physically or emotionally…. You just needed to do 'something' in order for you not to feel the extreme pain… And I had allow myself to be your sort-of 'punching bag' or whatever… It is better this way than to see you banging your head on something hard…

You are trying to endure that pain… and as for me… my part is just to try also to endure the pain… the pain that was You- - hurting me or not…

For I know that I have to *understand* you even more now… And that is exactly what I have been doing during those past four months of you being sick…

"I cant do that…you needed me, ne Aki-?!" I was cut in the middle of my statement.

"NO-… just GO away… LEAVE me alone, Kaede!" His words stung me like a million pieces of needles… pricking me endlessly… wanting me badly to bleed into its deepest sorrow… I tried to find 'him' by looking at his blue orbs that has always been a reflection as mine. Nani Akira… you know very well that I can't leave… besides, I have no place to go… I have no one…in fact, I had none… I had only YOU… and you have always been the reason why I can endure the pains of life… I grabbed him firmly on the shoulders, trying to calm him… I said,

"…Akira… I can't go… I have no place to go…this is my home…" My vision was now getting blurry, and as I try my very best to get into his senses… I felt my tears fell upon my face… like the unending flow of river… never ceasing.

He looked at me, anger and pain within his eyes… then… Tears… He held my arms firmly and as if expecting for him pull me down into his warm embrace… I couldn't expect for more… He shoved my arms away from his shoulders, sat abruptly from the bed… and…. And….

I felt pain at my back…

It felt so bad but I have to get up…

He pushed me ever so hardly that I found my back colliding with force at the chair behind me…

I winced in pain…

You didn't mean it, ne Akira? Its just that fucking pain again in your head again, ne?! I tried to get up and unconsciously wrapped an arm on my left shoulder…. Felt better, Akira?… I just hope so… I very much hope so… Gods, I have come to depend and loved you so much that to be dying for you was just an easy task… I have successfully pulled myself up from the ground and went over the table to get his very late dinner.

"Akira… you have to eat… please… even for a little…" I tried to smile as I looked at him. Smile, like the way he used to smile at me… I missed that smile Akira… could you… could you just do that…. For me… even for just once… gods I… I…

I love you oh so much…

I sat on the bed and held the bowl of soup in my left hand and tried to feed him. Please help yourself…

"Akira… you have to eat… please…" As I tried to near the spoon with the soup to him, I suddenly froze when he shoved my hand away—knocking the bowl onto me…& down… instantly crashing to the floor into many pieces.

"Dammit Kaede… how many times must I tell you that I DON'T want eat the goddamn tasteless food of yours!!! Get away from me… LEAVE  me alone…. GO AWAY!!!" His voice was loud and clear… You wanted me away… don't you love me anymore… I felt pain once again as the hot bowl of soup was toppled over me…its painful… …but not as painful as the words he just released awhile ago… I bent over slightly to picked up the pieces of the broken bowl. Kami-sama, please help me… give me enough strength and understanding… make me strong…

"But you have to…the doctor said that-?!" I was cut for the second time around.

"…the DOCTOR very well said that I wont be LIVING much too long… that I have only TWO more fucking months before I sleep endlessly…. And before….before… I…-?!!!!!"

I heard him scream in pain. I immediately averted my eyes on him, forgetting the broken pieces of glass on the floor…. Akira… oh no, please…not this pain again… I held him on his shoulders…

"Akira, what's wrong… please… what's wrong…" I seemed to choke every word I said. He kept on screaming, his hands on both sides of his head… I tried to hugged him tightly, wrapping my arms around him… as if it's the only thing I could do… I rocked him back and forth, hushing him up… trying to comfort him… God, why does it have to be him…he has not done anything wrong in his life…. Why not me, instead…

"Ssshh now… Akira…. Please… please…. I'm here love, I'm not going to leave you… not now… not ever…" God knows how much I love you… Kami-sama, onegai, do something! I almost shouted and hissed at the same time. Why is he letting for this to happen… why is he not doing something… for pete's sake, he cant take this pain… its all too much for him… For me…

"Aaaarrgghh… Kaede…. He…help… me… my he… head… he..lp…aaarrghh…!!" He pounded his fist on my chest and I almost let him go but I held on to him tighter… That's it Akira… just… just hurt me… if it will appeased the pain… just…. Just go on…

"Akira…. Hush now… it'll be alright… I'm here… and I love you…" I tried to reach for his medicine, which was in the drawer of the table beside the bed. And as I reached for it, I tried to open it up for him, not letting go of one arm wrapped around him, as he continue to banged his head on my shoulder… I cant stop crying…

"Kae…de… I'm…. so…. arrggghhh…. Tired….my head…. Oh god…."

I pushed him gently away from me for a while and urged him to drink the small piece of tablet in my hand. I held the small medicine in front of him, holding his forehead with my right palm, I pleaded for him to take the medicine.

"Onegai Aki… drink this up… it'll stop the pain…I promise-?!" I cant even be strong for him… not even for once….

"NO!! It'll will never worked… no more used… even if take that…. NO, this pain… it'll never leave me…. NEVER!!!!" He slapped my hand away and I gasped in surprised as the small piece of tablet was thrown somewhere. He held both of his hands to his head and started screaming and sobbing and… chanting my name, over and over again!

I could only cry in return. I embraced him, kissed him on the forehead and started rocking him once again…Are you just going to give up like that Akira… you who thought me on how to be strong… I can't believe that you will also be the one who's going to teach me on how to be weak…. Akira…. "Akira, hush now, I'm here… I. Am. Here. Please…." stop screaming now… please… oh god…

I prayed for courage…

…for strength…

…for patience…

…for him and me…

…our love…

***

We stayed in that way for almost an hour or so…. I, hugging him tightly as he sleep soundly on my chest…hearing his faint, and ragged breathing… You're so tired, ne Akira? I put my chin on top of his head and started caressing his back, drawing circles. How I wished for time to stop… I wanted to stay like this forever… Us… forever… I slowly fixated my eye son the wall clock on the wall, it read 11:45 pm. I wearily sighed and felt sleep slowly claiming me… my eyes were already on the verge of closing when I suddenly shook my head. I can't sleep… I have to be awake… for him… For he might need something, and I want all of my attention to be directed towards to him… and him alone

As I was staring into nothing in particular, I felt his body stirring from my embrace. He's waking up…

I looked down to him inquiringly. I hoped that pain left you….

"Akira… do you… need something?"

He looked at me as if he doesn't see me at all… his blue orbs that shimmers with so much life before…now, it is as if they were all gone… Gone with your hopes… no… please, don't ever give up Akira… for I can never stand it…

"Kae…de…"

He seems to have difficulty in saying out my name. I put my right palm on top of his forehead and once again, I felt my tears threatening to fall at the corner of my eyes. Not again, I want to be strong for him… and now, I'm acting like a five-year old kid who has lost its way…

"Yes…" Don't cry yet Kaede…

He tried to smile weakly and whispered the words he has promised to say forever to me.

"I… love you."

I chuckled. I don't know why I did that but I feel like doing it. Am I loosing it already?! I caressed his forehead and bit my lower lip… God knows Akira…

"I know…"

…how much I love you….

"Know what Kaede…?"

"…know that…" Why are we 'talking' in this way… It is not as if we were bidding farewell to each other… Or is it… I tried to look at his lips for I cant stand to look at him straight into his eyes… I don't want to look at him there… I don't want to see his eyes closed… I don't want to see his eyes telling me the tormenting truth… That he is…

"Kaede…"

I tried to swallow the huge lump within my throat and I felt an endless pain surging within me. I looked away from him for a while and shifted my gaze to the right and focused shortly at the door. I turned to look at him and cock my head lightly to the left while smiling at him… I wanted to change the subject of course… Gods, I cant bear this!!

"Stop crying Kaede…" He saw me…

I tried to sound indignant but to no avail, I know that I have failed.

"I'm not…"

"Yeah right…"

He held my right wrist with his right hand and let our fingers entwined. He sighed deeply and gave my hand a soft squeeze.

"…I'll tell a joke, Kaede…"

I averted my gaze from our interlocked hands to him. Silly… you and your corny jokes! I almost laughed at the thought but instead, I turned to look at him, inquiringly… urging him to continue…

"Alright… what is it then?"

"…you have to make a promise first…" Akira… what are you saying now… Don't do this to me… I'm willing to agree with that, but I don't know if I can keep it…

"Promise…?" I blinked once in confusion…

"Yes….  Promise that you will laugh at my joke! So?"

It seems that he'll never tell that joke of his to me, not until I agree to promise.

"Alright then…I promised…" Do'ahou Akira… sometimes I see myself in you… unpredictable…

"Good…now… I want you to answer this question…"

I nodded.

"Why is six afraid of seven?" A smile slowly crept out on his lips and I once again, found myself blinking in confusion… I was thinking also of the answer.

I found my lips parting slightly… my brows furrowed as I tried my best to answer his question, or his supposed-to-be-'joke'. He chuckled slightly; maybe quite amused on the way I perhaps looked.

"What… you don't know the answer…"

"Hn… I… I'm thinking…" My dearest Akira… You don't know how much this is hurting me… Because deep inside me, I know… I very much know that you are just doing this to make me happy For you never wanted to see me sad… Or worst, you don't want to see me cry… But I cant control it, Akira… Deep inside of me, I have been crying… how could I ever tell you that I have been so grateful to have you in my life…The last thing you ever wanted is to make me happy… And you did…

You have always made me happy…

"What's taking you so long…" He squeezed my hand lightly, probably waiting for my answer.

"I… I dunno…" I looked at him endearingly.

"C'mon… just guess!" He smiled even further now… You're such an amazing person Sendoh Akira… amidst the pain, here you are… still trying to sound as if, everything's okay…

"….I guess because… seven is greater than six…"

He chuckled in amusement. I must have given him the stupidest answer…

"Wrong, darling…." His eyes seems to sparkle… as if life has once again been poured upon those ocean-deep orbs… And I think I liked the sight of it… Kami-sama, are you giving us your miracles?! Onegai… He's going to get well soon….

"Then what…?" I asked with much curiosity.

"Because… seven 'eight' nine!" And he grinned, like the way he used to.

"Huh…" I didn't quite get it… really, call me 'slow' but…

He chuckled some more and untwined our fingers to lift his hand on my cheek and caressed it.

"Listen…. 'because seven ''eight'' nine'!" Do'ahou Akira! Now I get it… I pouted at him and gave him a glare.

"…because seven 'ate' (8) nine'? That's it, right Akira?"

"Hai… so what about your promised, hmm?"

"Ha-ha-ha…" I said word-by-word. He pouted and pinched my cheek, which I know later on that will surely leave a mark.

"Unfair Kae-chan…" I chuckled in amusement… amused on how could he be childish sometimes.

"Its corny Akira…" Nonetheless I smiled at him…and he smiled back. Thank /you/ so much Akira…

"Hmph… 'was just trying to make you smile…"

"I know…"  You always make me smile…

He sighed deeply once again and turned to looked at the window to our left. He then closed his eyes momentarily. Don't sleep Akira… Let's talk… I felt a knot of pain in my stomach, and I don't know what it means.

Akira…

Akira Sendoh…

Memories of him soon came back rushing to me as if a great flood washing over… when was the time that there have been 'us'… It all came so suddenly to me… and the last thing I needed to know is I have fallen in love with you… and then… and then, here I am… living with you for the past three years… I didn't regret anything Akira… Loving you was the best decision I have made… loving you brought meaning to my existence… loving you brought color to my life…

Loving you was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me….

Loving you…

Loving you is…

"Akira…"

He turned to look up to me and stared inquiringly.

"What is it Kaede…?"

I looked straight into his eyes and placed a finger on his lips.

"Loving you is what I lived for…" So don't go… don't leave me… for I…

He smiled at me and kissed my finger so lightly.

"Live… and be strong for me, Kaede…"

…I will surely…die

***

2:45 am

Outside, it was unusually dark. I can see it through our windows; a heavy burst of rain is threatening to pour down… Here I am again, sitting on the bed with him on my arms. He was sleeping soundly. I continue to look onto nothing in particular outside… too anxious for morning to come… A new day… perhaps… a new life…

Little did I know…

Akira stirred once gain from his sleep and opened his eyes. Is something wrong… you don't look… too well I was snapped back to reality and I turned to looked down on him.

"Akira…"

He looked at me… Why the look Akira… You looked so tired….

"Kaede… I… I'm so… sorry…for-?!!" He coughed out loud and I found myself panicking. I rubbed his chest back and forth, trying my very best to soothe him. No… not this feeling of pain again… why won't it leave me…

"Akira… are you okay…. Here, let me help you up…" I helped him up, thus now, we were both sitting on the bed- his back facing me while I continue to calm him down. He is still coughing out loud… Please stop… I turned to look at the windows-- they were all closed and I have lowered the temperature of the air conditioner if ever it gets a bit too cold for him.

He has stopped coughing and I felt a pang of relief for once.

"Kaede…"

"Hmm…"

"I'm so sorry for everything…"

"You didn't do anything…"

"I have… hurt you… a lot of times…"

"No… you didn't mean it Akira… I understand…" I fully understand… Stop this Akira, you're starting this kind of conversation again with me… He looked at me from his shoulder and gently smiled…

"Kaede… do you remember our favorite song… we used to sing it together… in duet of course, during chores…?

I don't know how to react at first but heaven helped my sanity.

I nodded.

"Of course…"

"Let's sing it, ne?" I felt my heart beat faster more than ever… Am I feeling nervous… But why?

I nodded once again and urged him to lay on my chest so that he will not have a back ache.

"Sure…but… you have to make a promise first…" I don't know what made me say this at this very time. I guess this feeling of nervous is the sole reason for this… Gods, heaven helped me, onegai… why do I feel so afraid… so suddenly afraid…

"What promise…?" He was now lying on my chest while I, on the other hand has my back on the headboard of the bed.

"That we'll finished the song together…ne?" Promised me that Akira… just… Kami-sama, helped me… am I trembling now… Promise, Akira…

He softly chuckled.

"Alright… I promised…."

"Sure?"

"I promised Kaede…"

He started to sing the first phrase… That bedroom voice never ceased to captivate me…

Akira:

My love, there's only you in my life

The only thing that's right

Kaede:

My first love, you're every breath

That I take

You're every step I make

Both:

And I, I want to share

All my love with you

No one else will do

And your eyes

They tell me how much you care

Oh yes, you will always be

My endless love…

Both:

Two hearts, two hearts that beat as one

Our lives has just begun

Forever, I'll hold you close in my arms

I can't resist your charms

And love (Oh love) I'll be a fool

For you, I'm sure

You know I don't mind (Oh, you know I don't mind)

Cause' you, you mean the world to me

Oh, I know, I found in you

My endless love…

***

The thunder clapped so loudly outside the window, followed by the fierce strike of lightning. Sooner, it has started raining. Big drops of rain pounded heavily on the window frame. I lay my head on the headboard… tears streaming endlessly onto my face. I have been crying for the past three hours by now. He forgot…

It's been two months since he has passed away. Yes, he died. Brain tumor was the sole cause of his departure.  It's been two months already but it feels like as if it was only yesterday. And now, as I lay alone in this bed… like what I have been doing for the past two months, I still couldn't help but to sobbed endlessly at his sudden loss…

Why Akira…

You damn promised me… tears once again cascaded onto my face… endlessly… You damn promised me that we will both finished the entire song… That you will finish your part… I did mine Akira… I did mine…. You forgot your promised…

I sobbed. The heavy rain continues to pour its might on the roof and onto the window. Pattering heavily… the heavens has been crying… They have been weeping with me… all these time…

I tried to wake you up back then Akira… because I found myself singing alone already… we were no longer doing a duet…      I was already singing solo that time… I remembered it all very clearly… I turned to look down to you and saw your eyes closed… I looked at your chest and saw that it was no longer rising up and down like the way it used too… I placed my palm on your cheek and felt that you were damn cold… Cold… dead…

Flashback

"Akira….Akira…" Oh God, no…

No response.

"Please…. Akira… please wake up… what's the next line…" Dammit, open your eyes, onegai… I cock my head lightly on the left and tried to smile although the tears that have flown freely from my eyes indicates clearly that I already know that he is no longer with me…  I wont give up… I saw my very own tears dropped one-by-one on his handsome face… Open you reyes for me… please, gods, I'm begging you… don't /leave/ me alone… I sobbed even harder.

"Akira… stop this, please…. I know you're just joking again… open your eyes, ne… its your turn now to sing the next line….Aki…" And that is where it hit me. He left me already… I found myself slapping his face and pounding his chest harder now… still not giving up, still wanting for him to wake although deep inside of me, I already know that I have lost him minutes ago…

I started breaking down…. All of my vulnerabilities showing… I have fallen to pieces…

Kami-sama…. Why did you took him away from me…

You know very well that he is the reason for my existence….

I cried uncontrollably onto him, I held him in my arms and started rocking him back and forth… Akira… Akira…. Onegai… wake up… don't go yet… don't leave me…

End of Flashback

***

I shifted my gaze to the bedside table and saw a picture of us… You were so full of life back then… I reached out my hand to held that frame that was on the table. Now what… tell me what I'm supposed to do now… How will I able to make it without you now…  A sobbed escaped my throat. I looked down at our smiling faces on the picture, a tear stubbornly dropped from my eyes and onto the glass of the photo frame. I found myself wiping the glass with my right thumb…

I found myself humming the old tune once again… Let me finished your part for you Akira…

"… And love…I'll be that fool for you, I'm sure… you know I don't mind…" Dearest Akira, wherever you may now, I just wanted you to know that I will never ever forget you… You were the one who made me *lived* again…

"…and yes, you'll be that only one…cause no one can deny this love I have inside…" You will always be my one and only… thank you so much… you have helped me changed and because of that patience and love of yours, I have come to be a better person, and I have learned to love myself even more…

"…and I'll give it all to you…" Endless tears streamed onto my cheeks…

"…my love…my love…"  Akira, the last thing you asked of me is to live and be strong for you… I don't know how far can I endure the harshness that life may offer me… but I'm willing to try… For you… I will… … /live/ and be /strong/…

…because deep inside of me… I know…

…you will always be here….

…you will always be that love who will continue to guide and watched over me…

…and I'll never forget you…

I hugged the picture closed to my chest. I'll always love you, Akira…

…from now…forever…

"…my Endless Love…"

::owari:: Ryuen 2003

A/N: *Ryuen remains speechless for a couple of minutes* Wwaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! *sniffs* omigosh…… onegai… R&R please……. ;_______; I don't know what has gotten into me… I was listening to the song while typing the final paragraphs….. *sniffs some more*  Anyway, just don't forget to Review… okay… gosh, I'm so speechless…. Thanks, guys! ^_____________^'' Oops, one more thing… sorry fer that CORNY joke!!!!!! –lolz-

Sen: So you killed me, huh?! ¬_¬ and damn that joke!

Ryuen: er, yes… ^^"

Ru: damn, my eyes were sore due to all those crying! @_@

Ryuen: ehehehe…… ^.~ damn right!

Minna-san: ;_____; lets kill her!!!!!! She made another angst!!!!! Charge!!!!!

AAAArrrghhh, damn-damn-damn, it took me a month before I was able to post this up at last! Actually I finished writing this one last August but due to some 'unavoidable' circumstances, I was only able to post this up just now so… there! Just R&R okay, I really need that badly! Uhm… currently working on three fics- yep, simultaneously !!… hope I can finish them up before the second week of October! Ja! ^_^  Uh, I guess this fic will have its 'effect' especially if you either read this up while listening to the song! Or… either you sing the song to yourself… *shrugs* Yipes! ^^" I am terribly sorry if this sux! Gomen ne, minna! ^.~

***