Warnings: shounen-ai, angst, English is not my first language
Always There
by akai megami
The 2nd part
He was feeling uneasy stepping into the silent glory of the church. He had to admit it, it was beautiful, strangely so while being so simple. The walls were white, as were the columns supporting the high ceiling, the windows were made of white tainted glass, making the light delicate and ambient, the shadows barely there. It was all so pure and that purity was indeed concentrating in the figure of the Virgin made of white marble, placed over the altar. She was just smiling sadly and kindly down at everyone who decided to visit this place and the tears running down her cheeks in rich rivulets were carved in the stone as well.
Duo was everywhere in here, in every single detail. After all, he'd been the one to make this place into what it was. With its silence and ambience and sad, broken purity, with the unconditional love and benevolence towards everyone who ever needed it reflecting in its central statue's face, with its peace.
But at the same time, the lateral altars were dark, the one at the right, with the Christ's dying on the cross small statue made of silver, that was looking old and like if burned, half-melted in the fire some time ago, at its center, with black walls and hundreds of small candles casting the red light onto it, red like the blood, lit up by those who were coming here to pray for whatever reason.
The altar at the left was black as well, with a painting representing the Virgin's face, a sad face once again.
Someone had asked Duo once when he'd been already a priest why the Virgin was so often made sad by the artists painting or carving her. He'd answered that it was the only way she could be - sad, being the Mother of every human being that'd ever lived since the death of her Son. Her children were hurting her so much, by rebelling against her and each other, by killing each other, over and over again in yet another war, she could only be sad, but she still loved them.
Duo had also said once that the unconditional love it'd promised was what had brought him back to the catholic religion after the war.
It could be not - the Virgin, Christ and everything else, but as long as anyone believed in them, they were bringing that unconditional love into this world, Duo had wanted to be able to give it. Duo had wanted to be just like them, give everything away to the others. He'd given his childhood and his youth already, he'd given his innocence, his conscience, he'd taken the blood onto his hands and the regrets onto his soul and still, he felt it was not enough, that he still could give more.
But how long could he just be giving, not getting anything in return ? Everyone was so selfish, just taking, taking and taking and believing that if Duo was able to give, then he had to be happy.
But Heero knew that Duo was not happy, not with his loneliness that the weekly talks with almost all of their friends could not keep at bay for him, not even with the love of the orphaned children raised at the parish who were much like his own by now. He was just not. He was losing it, smoking, drinking, going crazy because he needed something else.
Heero tried hard not to get to believe it was him who was needed.
He admitted though that, definetely, Duo missed something and it was hurting him, in the worst way possible, creeping into this seemingly perfect life he'd set for himself, destroying it, no matter what he was doing to stop the process. Was it the loneliness ? The craving of the warmth that only love could give ? Love Duo had never really encountered for a time long enough to get secure with it, that was always taken away from him all too soon if it even appeared in the first place, in his sad, lonely life of an orphan spending its childhood on the streets. Was this it ?
Then why wouldn't Duo accept his love as his solace ? Why wouldn't he ? What was there more important for him than his own happiness and sanity, now, when he'd given almost everything he'd had away to others already ? What was there ? Did he want to give them all of himself ? Make an offering of him whole ? Give away the last bit of cheerfulness and warmth he still possessed, the last bit of ability to love his heart had, the last bit of life inside of him ? And stay the breathing doll drowning his sorrow over what he'd done to himself in whisky ?
One bottle a day. Duo's usual dose. A lot, one might say.
How could he ?! How could he be doing this to himself ?! To himself and to him, Heero, all the same. This hurt.
This hurt more than anything he could ever imagine, than self-destructing in Wing, than the death itself, this hurt with the worse kind of pain, the one coming from the inside. But he could not stop it. Even his unhumanly determined strong will could not banish the feelings for Duo out of his heart, it just stubbornly refused to let go. Beside that, Duo needed him, really did. He needed anyone who could see his pain, anyone who would really be there for him. Therefore he decided he was doing the right thing letting Duo know he'd always be near.
He looked up at the crying Virgin's face once again. Smiling sadly and crying, smiling warmly down at those who needed her even through the tears, just like Duo. Putting a though happy front for the others so they did not need to worry, as not to cause them pain.
What had that others ever do to ensure such treatement ? That kind of sacrifice on Duo's part ? They were just taking whatever he had to offer, not really caring if he was giving the last bit of his optimism away while he was helping them, just letting him do so. Ungrateful, blind bastards. He hated them, dammit, hated them for hurting his Duo, the best person he'd ever met, so much.
But Duo did not. Duo was taking all of their burden upon himself, was giving himself away and suffered like if he was supposed to do just that, like if it was his fate.
But it was not, Heero was sure about that, Duo had every law to be happy, just like everyone else. And if no one else cared enough to do so, he was going to make Duo happy, along his will or against it, somehow, someday...
He took a deep breath and crossed the distance separating him from the
confessional, made of bright wood and white stone. There was just one person
just standing up from kneeling in front of it and leaving at this early
hour of morning. Heero took its place, not hesitating any longer.
His church was beautiful, strangely so while being so simple. The walls and floor were white, as were the columns supporting the high ceiling. The tainted glass of the windows was just white as well, making the light here delicate and ambient, the shadows barely there. There was the unbelievable simple purity all around and the silent glory, having its center in the Virgin's statue, made of white marble, placed over the altar, drowning in the sea of white flowers. She was smiling sadly down at her countless children and there were the tears rolling down her cheeks carved in the stone as well. She was so...
She was his Mother, as she was the one of all people, but unlike for most of them, She was the only mother he'd ever known. And she was sad, they were making her sad, her children, rebelling against her and against each other over and over again in the neverending wars.
Duo smiled up at her, like if trying to make her better. Like always, he was trying to make everything and everyone better.
" Father Duo !"
He turned around at the sound, only to have a small child wrapped tightly around his legs the very next instant. His hand fell onto the tiny's girl blonde head almost on its own.
" What is it ?" He asked softly.
" I'm glowing my hair, you remeber, father Duo ?"
" Yeah. So ?"
" It is long already, isn't it ?" She said. She sounded the slightest bit at the verge of the tears, as she would've been if he told her that no, it wasn't, but he just smiled reassuringly. " It's long ? Can I have a blaid like you already, father Duo ?"
Endlessly trusting bright blue eyes looked up at him, shinining with hope.
" Let's see..." He said, kneeling down next to the child. Her hair wasn't really long yet, just barely reaching her slender shoulders, but he turned her around and made an attempt on braiding it anyway.
He could just not fail her. He'd promised her, a few months ago, that by the end of autumn she'd have her hair long enough to wear it a braid like him.
" You have a band ?"
She nodded, as much as she could while he was still holding her head back by the hair.
" I do ! Here !"
A small hand forced a pink band with a tiny flower attached to it into his. Duo smiled to himself, while putting the perfect little-girly band at the end of the short braid of delicate, almost white, childlike hair. She turned to face him the very instant when he released her hair, looking proud.
" Why do you insist so much on having a braid anyway, little one ?"
" It's pletty."
" You think ?"
" Yes, your blaid is very pletty, father Duo."
Duo grinned down at her.
" `kay, but if you want to wear your hair like that, you need to learn to braid it yourself some time soon. I'll teach you, if you like it."
" Okay !" She said, nodding lively.
" Let's go for lunch now, shall we ?" He asked, her little hand slipping into his automatically as he stood up.
They went outside and back into the parish together, with her almost running trying to keep up her tiny steps with his bigger ones, her small braid hitting her on her shoulders every once in a while.
What was there sheduled after the lunch ? Of course, Tro was supposed to come. Duo smiled. Tro had sounded happy on the phone when they'd been setting this up. There was something... different in him compared to these times when him and Quatre were going through the last phase of their dying relationship. Had he found someone new ?
Duo was anxious to get to know.
He didn't eat much. Somehow, he'd lost his appetite sometime during the last years, even though the food at his parish was delicious. He could just not force himself to eat more than any of the children, therefore leaving his larger plate half untouched. He knew this, combined with the cigarettes and alcohol, wasn't serving him right, he'd been losing weight for four years now, bit by bit and it was beginning to get apparent as he'd been thin even before. He was turning skinny, his hair going out in fistfuls after each washing, his eyes losing its unusual gleam, turning dull, grayish blue, instead of the lively violet. He was noticing it, every time he was looking at himself in a mirror, but he could not force himself to eat more, stop smoking and drinking. Maybe the last, but not for extended periods of time. There just were the days when he could not go on any longer without some help.
All had turned out to be so difficult... Three children that had joined his orphanage at the parish, taken in directly from the streets, varying from the age of eight to eleven years old, experienced trouble communicating with the other children, didn't know how to play and to make it worse, after a psychological evaluation it was discovered that the two older ones had been sexually abused by various adult men, over and over again. Each time Duo was, more than anything, trying to talk with these children, he felt ready to rip the bastard's throats open with his bare hands if they ever appeared anywhere near.
At the same time, his friends were almost all having hard time, excluding Hilde, of course, she was getting married with the man of her dreams, and all of this was having its toll on Duo, one that could not be apparent, for the sake of his children, of his friends, of everything.
Hopefully, everyone seemed to buy it that he was all right, everyone, except Heero, that is.
Heero had come to him during the confession time, something he'd never done before and...
Duo shook his head, trying not to think of it right now, excused himself from the table and headed to his office, the children's voices and laughs following him on the corridor.
He sat down at his soft chair heavily, straightened the papers covering his desk, careful not to cause the amethyst figurine at its edge to fall down, ran a tentative hand through his chestnut bangs and just waited, sqeezing his eyes shut to block out everything, the light, the distant laughs and sounds, the images assaulting his mind, especially one of them, the one of Prussian blue eyes looking at him closely from behind the confessional's lattice, eyes full of care, worry and love, so great he could not begin to comprehend from where had it come, how could he provoke it at all.
" I love you, Duo. It seems for me now like if I always did, like if in the times before I did it wasn't me, but someone else having the same body. You've made me better, you proved to me that there still are the good people around, that the world isn't all evil just because the wars are ripping it apart, you showed me how every living being is precious, how it is destroying you when you enjoy killing others. You've given me a reason to live after the wars, you are that reason..."
" Stop..." The silent word escaped Duo's lips even against his will. He could not take it ! He could not go on like that, with Heero, always there, somewhere close, so tempting with his warmth, with his love... But it would've been so selfish to go to him, disregarding the others, leaving the children alone.
" Good morning, Duo !" The cheerful voice sounded from the doorway.
Tro ? Tro was supposed to come, right ? Not Lena.
" Yeah, that's right, that's me." She went on, coming closer in graceful tiny steps. " Speechless, are we ?" She asked playfully, bending over the desk, getting almost nose to nose with him. " I came to say `goodbye` to my old crush."
" Wha..."
If Duo was speechless before, stunned by her mere appearance, then he definitely got even more speechless now, as her pale pink lipstick covered lips pressed to his cheek briefly, leaving the sensation of softness there.
" You turn even more handsome when you blush, Duo."
" Leave you alone for a minute..." Another voice came from the doorway.
Duo composed himself, brushed the back of his hand over his cheek and looked past Relena at the newcomer. Tro ? Relena winked to him when he looked back to her face. He didn't want to jump to conclusions, but...
" Yeah, that's it, Duo. We are together." She said, sounding serious, while she sat down opposite him at least. " Me and Trowa, I mean."
He looked at her like if she'd grown a second head and she couldn't stop herself from exploding in giggles. Trowa sat down next to her, seemingly uneasy.
" Don't get so flustered." She said, poking him in the arm. " I just wanted to kiss him once after all those nights spent dreaming about him as a teenager."
" I thought you were after Heero." Trowa pointed.
" Among others... After he threatened to kill me hundred times over, I did what every girl at my place would do, switched interests. Just that then he turned nicer and..." She flailed her manicured hand. " Whatever. Beside that, I can scratch another name from my `Gundam pilots I need to kiss someday` list."
" Proceed until you turn old and ugly." Trowa muttered in a seemingly unaffected voice.
She rolled her eyes.
" You see how he is, Duo ? He shows me how he doesn't care and ends up glaring at every man who is turning to look at me on the streets."
" You mean, Lena, you are not kidding me ?" Asked Duo doubtfully, turning his eyes to Trowa then.
" She is not, Duo. Lena, leave us alone for a while."
" Of course, if you wish so, just don't take too long. Can I go to the children, Duo ?"
" Yeah, of course."
She nodded and went out.
Duo released some air he had not realized he was holding up to this moment.
" You mean, you and her, together ? Have you gone crazy, Trowa ?"
" No. She is not how she seems, and you know it as well as I do. You've probably known way before me. She needs to be strong, nosy and demanding in order to reach her goals. But she is not like that deep down. In fact, despite how entertaining her social life may seem, she is terribly lonely and it was always like that, since her early childhood. She always had admirers, never friends, and therefore those who denied her anything fascinated her the most. "
" You want to help her out ?"
" As much as I want her to help me out."
" Then you do love her, but it's just... strange."
" I never said I was strictly gay."
" Not that. Just you and the Princess, together... Heero was always afraid that if he let her close, he'll lose his freedom, you are not ?"
" Catherine is getting married. She was my home up to this point, but she's going away now and I still need a place that I could come back to and be welcomed." He said softly.
Duo smiled. There was something real and running deep flickering in Tro's green eyes. As strange as his decision might seem, he was all right with it as long as it was bringing his friend happiness he surely deserved.
" What with Quatre ? He haven't contacted me in quite a while."
" He decided to accompany Wufei to L5. Though his colony may be destroyed, something's still pulling Chang there. I think he decided to get at ease with his past once and for good, Quatre decided to follow him. "
" May I ask, as who ?"
Trowa looked dumbfounded.
" They're still just friends then ?" Asked Duo again, sounding almost a bit disappointed.
" And why would they be something more ?"
Duo grinned misheviously.
" I have my reasons to think they'll be once they're back from there." He said, winking to the other man. " And, by the way, what is it with Zechs and Noin ? Now that you're close with the Princess you should know first hand."
" They're getting divorced, as far as I know. It's hard to get to know anything from Lena, really. She's torn apart between her sympathy for one and the other, but I think that has something to do with Une getting pregnant."
" Yeah..." Duo said thoughtfully. " I think so, too. From the very beginning I thought it had to be either you or Zechs unhappy with Noin who made her that. Noin will have hard time coping now."
" And you ?"
" Me ?" Duo asked, sounding truly stunned. " I'm a priest. What could there be with me ?"
" Heero came to me some time ago." Trowa said calmly, studying Duo closely as his eyes went twice their size in an instant.
Duo's blood ran cold.
" He told he needed to talk out at least, even him. I bet it was the very same night when I broke up with Quatre. He told me he kissed you then, for the second time in his life and he's going to go crazy and do something terrible either to you or to himself, if you won't let him close. I thought for a while that he was extremely selfish having thoughts like that, that he was disregarding your choice of way to live and your happiness, but it is not like that, because you are not happy. I realized it only as he'd pointed it out to me. I'm sorry I had not earlier. I always thought you were not taking enough care of yourself, but that was all, I'd realized how you..."
" That's not right. I am happy." Snapped him Duo, taking his eyes down, carefully avoiding Trowa's gaze.
" Since when you began to lie ?"
" Why do you lie to them, all of them ? Why do you try to lie to me ? You do run away, from the happiness life has to offer to you, you do hide, lock up with your anguish and a bottle of whisky in your room every single night, but you do lie as well, to everyone. That's not an excuse that you're doing this to save them the pain, you're hurting yourself with this and destroying yourself is a sin as well, am I right ?"
There was no answer to this question on Duo's part. He kept sitting there, staring dully at the table top, looking as miserable as such lively boy as him once could get, with his eyes grayed and dulled, with his lips set in a firm, thin line, as he was stubbornly refusing the happiness that was at hand.
Trowa looked through the window, and indeed, down there, under the tree, was the cloaked figure of a young man, just standing there and waiting.
" I'll be waiting for you, Duo, always. You won't get me to leave. You can threaten me, you can tell me you hate me, I won't leave. I'll be always there so one day, when you decide to quit that life that's destroying you, you have someone to go to. That's what friends are all about. You were the one to learn me that."
" He really loves you, Duo..."
" I know."
" Then why won't you let him ?"
" Because I can't."
" You probably have no clue how much it costed me to get as blatant as to kiss you then, during the war. But it was worth it. Even with the way you treated me after. That one kiss in itself was worth tormenting myself for months on the end before it and after and so I think... the life with you will be worth any amount of time I'll spend waiting for you. That's why I will be waiting, always."
" Sometimes I really wish I would've never become a priest, never had that life and so instead could start one with Heero. I really do, but then I look around, see my children, my parish, my church and don't want to give it all away, for anything, even for the happiness he promises to me."
" I can only blame myself I hadn't guts to tell you how I still felt about you just after the war, before you became a priest. It all just happened too quickly, I haven't really time to recover and then all was over, there was another barrier put between the two of us, beside the one we can never take away, the fact that we're both male. It does repulse you, doesn't it ? Is it just because of that you won't let me close ?"
" I'm not really gay. I loved Hilde once. And when then, during the war, Heero kissed me for the first time I honestly assumed it was some kind of a sick joke and punched him. I never really thought about this as a possibility, never considered, imagined things like that. Not before I realized what was happening between you and Quatre, only then I really grasped the idea."
" What are you going to do ? Keep him waiting forever ?"
" I cannot do nothing else."
" Consider it, Duo, so you won't regret when many years ahead you'll be dying alone, after a life spent in loneliness."
Duo smiled sadly, though there were tears shining in his eyes, or maybe, Trowa was just seeing things.
" I'm not alone. I have you, all of you and my children."
" And how would you feel if Heero was to leave ? Get to know a nice girl and marry her and leave truly alone ? Without him always there, just out of reach ? How would you feel, Duo ?"
The answer never came, but twin tears slid down paled cheeks.
" Leave me alone." Duo whispered, taking pleading eyes up at him. " Please, now."
Trowa stood up and left without another word.
" And how would you feel if Heero was to leave ?"
" He would not leave me, he promised he'll be always there, always..." Duo whispered to himself, reaching a shaking hand to the drawer, taking out another bottle of whisky, opening it and drinking the burning golden liquid in rapid gulps. He was feeling bad, so bad...
" Destroying yourself is a sin as well, am I right ? "
" Stop !" He screamed, throwing the empty bottle ahead, so it crushed against the opposite wall, exploding in countless pieces of glass.
" You've given me a reason to live after the wars, you are that reason..."
" Look at me now, Heero... Look how hopeless I turned..." He whispered, standing up to go collect the glass, to tidy to room. To do anything, just that the voices, the images, the thoughts...
It needed to stop !
" I'll be always there so one day, when you decide to quit that life that's destroying you, you have someone to go to."
Someone to go to... To take him out from here, away from the responsibilities put onto his shoulders without considering his age and sensitive nature, since he'd been a kid, away from the loneliness... Never be alone anymore, never sleep in a cold, empty bed, never spend his nights with a bottle of whisky as only company, never again...
" When you decide to quit that life that's destroying you..."
Never again...
He reached for the cellphone, lying under the papers on the table and typed the message, quickly, very quickly, before he had time to think about what he was doing, how was it going to change everything, how much it was going to hurt his children, how bad it was to...
` Take me out from here. I mean it, Heero. I quit. D.`
I quit. I'm going to go away, with you, wherever you wish to take me, to whatever place you wish for me to call my home. That doesn't matter, just do not let me be alone anymore...
Never again...
Never...
"The life with you will be worth any amount of time I've spent waiting
for you. That's why I was waiting, that's why I've been always there as
I'm going to be, till the death will us part and then, ever after..."
The End
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