The whole village was lit with firelight as Leia leaned against a tall birsha tree, closing her eyes for a minute to lay some thoughts to rest. All she wanted was a little peace for the moment, with the calming smell of the sweet-bark burning in the fires and the solace and simplicity of nothing happening.
This was their last night on Hodan, the last night before going home to a world constantly teeming with decisions, and technology, and power without a thought to true life. Or at least that was what it had become for Leia. No matter where she went: Hapes, Coruscant, or even with her memories to Alderaan; she was stuck in civilization. With comms ringing, initiatives to draft, people to serve, events to dress up for, and none of it meaning anything.
It all went back to one thing, the whole existence she'd built, the whole of everything she had: this silly little thing called love. Avoiding it, walking away from it, scorning it, and refuting its existence, it all lead down the path towards where she stood: on a pillar of loneliness looking out on the universe.
She had cut herself off from the rest of reality, from everything that had reminded her, every little remembrance. Her brother, her son, her own face, they all plagued her with inklings of the feeling which she had possessed one time, but could no longer allow herself to have.
~This silly little thing called love.~ Ten years and she was back where she'd always been. No manner of doubt, or logic or mental strength could deny the energy in her heart which wished itself free from suppression.
Running hadn't done her any good. She'd hidden behind the Senate, behind duty and responsibly, she'd never stood on her own two feet to face it. The little Princess without a planet, no place to hold her ground and nowhere to be saved. What an idiot to think that feigning strength could make it true.
She had ripped apart her own happiness, torn it too shreds and let it rot. Her suicide of the soul had carried a heavy sentence, the rest of her life behind decorated prison cells in lavish palaces, locked behind paperwork and suffocated by solitude.
He was the only other option, the only thing holding her back, but Han Solo didn't want her. His attraction to her was some rogue affection he hadn't let go, nothing more. As she'd lain on her bed, her arms wrapped around his chest and her eyes staring off into the distance, it had all come together.
When the time had come and her choice had been made, she'd held it in, harnessing the aching just to reach out to him, to ask him to save her. He could have said anything, offered her some kind of reassurance that there was something in him that loved her as much as she wouldn't admit. But when it came down to it, she didn't even want to hear him say a word, she wouldn't believe it.
She'd been so stupid. It wasn't till after it was over that she'd realized she was bound to him forever, whether he knew it or not, she had something of his he didn't know was missing. She had been too much of a coward to tell him.
Leia exhaled and opened her eyes. They met with the warm, dim light of the fires hugging the walls of the huts and the bodies of the trees around her. There were some mistakes worth fixing, if nothing else, there we some things that had to change. Even if it had taken her this long to push past the pride and guilt and regret, there were some truths that deserved to be told.
"It's kinda pretty, isn't it?" Leia heard Han's voice come from a little behind her.
"Very," she said, maintaining her gaze. Somehow she had expected him, even wanted him to be there. It felt right in this different atmosphere.
"I think I might actually miss this place when we're gone," Han said, coming up beside her and sitting on a stray log near the fire.
Leia smiled though taken aback that his sentiments should so echo her own. "It's so peaceful," she found herself saying, "it's like being able to breathe again."
Han looked down at the ground, becoming a little more serious in demeanor though he was still trying to make a joke of it. "I doubt you'll be singing the same tune when you get back with old iron skull in your little palace."
She laughed slightly, not taking offense though she thought she should've. "Being buried under datapads in my office is more like it. But I don't sing… Besides, I haven't seen Isolder in months, save for a few communiqués, I doubt it'll be any different now." It was strange how honesty came so easily after years of lying. She felt as if she might be breaking some kind of law and yet it felt so freeing.
Han was quiet for a moment, seeming to make an attempt at taking in the information presented, though he appeared to have no idea what to do with it. "That's gotta be rough on a marriage," he said, trying not to seem uncomfortable on the topic.
"It's been that way for years… you get used to it." Leia said soberly. "We haven't slept in the same *wing* of the palace in five years…"
Han showed his discomfort with this topic without restraint, but Leia could tell he was falling into the rhythm of the conversation; the cadence of candor wasn't hard to identify. "No offense, but that was never my favorite topic… you and him and…"
Leia shook her head in amusement, "There isn't anything to talk about."
Han lifted an eyebrow as he looked up at her, "Don't act all innocent, Princess, with that kid running around it's not so easy to pretend. You expect me to believe that you never," Han made an attempt at gesturing the word before giving up, "you know what I mean."
Leia could feel her face's expression change without her command, putting on a countenance of resolve though hinting of a lingering fear. "I couldn't ever… he understood after awhile, but we never… were together."
The words were slow in the coming, but the look on Han's face had shown their purpose to be attained. He adjusted his posture and remained quiet for a long while, letting only the sound of his breath be a response.
"He's not Isolder's," Han mumbled, appearing to be holding back an aggression Leia wasn't sure she understood. "So who was it?" he questioned, nearly gritting his teeth.
Leia closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled. It registered in her mind that Han was only angry because he thought that she'd taken another lover, but though the fact confused her, it was of little consequence at the time. "You remember that night…"
"How could I forget?" Han asked, drifting off at the end as though he'd already come to a conclusion and was simply waiting for her to confirm.
She kneeled down next to him as his eyes found hers, "I took something with me when I left…" her words trailed off as she looked for the right phrase to end it.
"Anakin," Han finished for her. He stood up, looking away in a manner that made Leia dread the moment he would turn back to face her. She didn't need his anger right now.
"Before you say anything…just let me talk," Han began again, turning back to face her, showing an expression of calm she hadn't expected, "I'm not angry. I can't do it. Believe me, hun, when I say I want with all the galaxy to hate you right now, but it's not working. All I can come up with his that I'm glad that after all these years I can think of one good thing that came out of this whole mess. If that kid's all that's left…" he sighed, walking up to her and smiling, "Ten years and we're exactly where we were before."
"I don't want another ten years of this," Leia said as she and Han both sunk into a sitting position on the log next to them.
"Well then at least we can agree on something."
This was their last night on Hodan, the last night before going home to a world constantly teeming with decisions, and technology, and power without a thought to true life. Or at least that was what it had become for Leia. No matter where she went: Hapes, Coruscant, or even with her memories to Alderaan; she was stuck in civilization. With comms ringing, initiatives to draft, people to serve, events to dress up for, and none of it meaning anything.
It all went back to one thing, the whole existence she'd built, the whole of everything she had: this silly little thing called love. Avoiding it, walking away from it, scorning it, and refuting its existence, it all lead down the path towards where she stood: on a pillar of loneliness looking out on the universe.
She had cut herself off from the rest of reality, from everything that had reminded her, every little remembrance. Her brother, her son, her own face, they all plagued her with inklings of the feeling which she had possessed one time, but could no longer allow herself to have.
~This silly little thing called love.~ Ten years and she was back where she'd always been. No manner of doubt, or logic or mental strength could deny the energy in her heart which wished itself free from suppression.
Running hadn't done her any good. She'd hidden behind the Senate, behind duty and responsibly, she'd never stood on her own two feet to face it. The little Princess without a planet, no place to hold her ground and nowhere to be saved. What an idiot to think that feigning strength could make it true.
She had ripped apart her own happiness, torn it too shreds and let it rot. Her suicide of the soul had carried a heavy sentence, the rest of her life behind decorated prison cells in lavish palaces, locked behind paperwork and suffocated by solitude.
He was the only other option, the only thing holding her back, but Han Solo didn't want her. His attraction to her was some rogue affection he hadn't let go, nothing more. As she'd lain on her bed, her arms wrapped around his chest and her eyes staring off into the distance, it had all come together.
When the time had come and her choice had been made, she'd held it in, harnessing the aching just to reach out to him, to ask him to save her. He could have said anything, offered her some kind of reassurance that there was something in him that loved her as much as she wouldn't admit. But when it came down to it, she didn't even want to hear him say a word, she wouldn't believe it.
She'd been so stupid. It wasn't till after it was over that she'd realized she was bound to him forever, whether he knew it or not, she had something of his he didn't know was missing. She had been too much of a coward to tell him.
Leia exhaled and opened her eyes. They met with the warm, dim light of the fires hugging the walls of the huts and the bodies of the trees around her. There were some mistakes worth fixing, if nothing else, there we some things that had to change. Even if it had taken her this long to push past the pride and guilt and regret, there were some truths that deserved to be told.
"It's kinda pretty, isn't it?" Leia heard Han's voice come from a little behind her.
"Very," she said, maintaining her gaze. Somehow she had expected him, even wanted him to be there. It felt right in this different atmosphere.
"I think I might actually miss this place when we're gone," Han said, coming up beside her and sitting on a stray log near the fire.
Leia smiled though taken aback that his sentiments should so echo her own. "It's so peaceful," she found herself saying, "it's like being able to breathe again."
Han looked down at the ground, becoming a little more serious in demeanor though he was still trying to make a joke of it. "I doubt you'll be singing the same tune when you get back with old iron skull in your little palace."
She laughed slightly, not taking offense though she thought she should've. "Being buried under datapads in my office is more like it. But I don't sing… Besides, I haven't seen Isolder in months, save for a few communiqués, I doubt it'll be any different now." It was strange how honesty came so easily after years of lying. She felt as if she might be breaking some kind of law and yet it felt so freeing.
Han was quiet for a moment, seeming to make an attempt at taking in the information presented, though he appeared to have no idea what to do with it. "That's gotta be rough on a marriage," he said, trying not to seem uncomfortable on the topic.
"It's been that way for years… you get used to it." Leia said soberly. "We haven't slept in the same *wing* of the palace in five years…"
Han showed his discomfort with this topic without restraint, but Leia could tell he was falling into the rhythm of the conversation; the cadence of candor wasn't hard to identify. "No offense, but that was never my favorite topic… you and him and…"
Leia shook her head in amusement, "There isn't anything to talk about."
Han lifted an eyebrow as he looked up at her, "Don't act all innocent, Princess, with that kid running around it's not so easy to pretend. You expect me to believe that you never," Han made an attempt at gesturing the word before giving up, "you know what I mean."
Leia could feel her face's expression change without her command, putting on a countenance of resolve though hinting of a lingering fear. "I couldn't ever… he understood after awhile, but we never… were together."
The words were slow in the coming, but the look on Han's face had shown their purpose to be attained. He adjusted his posture and remained quiet for a long while, letting only the sound of his breath be a response.
"He's not Isolder's," Han mumbled, appearing to be holding back an aggression Leia wasn't sure she understood. "So who was it?" he questioned, nearly gritting his teeth.
Leia closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled. It registered in her mind that Han was only angry because he thought that she'd taken another lover, but though the fact confused her, it was of little consequence at the time. "You remember that night…"
"How could I forget?" Han asked, drifting off at the end as though he'd already come to a conclusion and was simply waiting for her to confirm.
She kneeled down next to him as his eyes found hers, "I took something with me when I left…" her words trailed off as she looked for the right phrase to end it.
"Anakin," Han finished for her. He stood up, looking away in a manner that made Leia dread the moment he would turn back to face her. She didn't need his anger right now.
"Before you say anything…just let me talk," Han began again, turning back to face her, showing an expression of calm she hadn't expected, "I'm not angry. I can't do it. Believe me, hun, when I say I want with all the galaxy to hate you right now, but it's not working. All I can come up with his that I'm glad that after all these years I can think of one good thing that came out of this whole mess. If that kid's all that's left…" he sighed, walking up to her and smiling, "Ten years and we're exactly where we were before."
"I don't want another ten years of this," Leia said as she and Han both sunk into a sitting position on the log next to them.
"Well then at least we can agree on something."
