CH3 Heart of Gold

When reality finally noticed the two strange beings floating on a cocktail umbrella on the CoComo it deemed it necessary to right what mistakes it had made and placed them on the deck of a huge ship spray painted gold.

"What," Arthur asked after he regained his senses. "was that?"

"That most unfortunately, was the improbability drive." a saddened voice said behind them.

They turned around to see a robot about six feet tall slumping over as it walked. "My name is Marvin. Now you know and one day use it against me. Oh, everyone does." He sighed and walked away.

"I think we should follow the robot." Fnord Prefect said and Arthur followed having no inclination to understand what was going on. He in fact, likened it to a bad dream where upon waking he'd laughingly tell Fnord he dreamt that Fnord was an alien.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says this about the Improbability Drive:

IMPROBABILITY DRIVE: The likeliness of this device being built is, well, improbable. The fact that the only working Improbability Drive in existence is in the hands of Zaphod Beeblebrox is just as improbable. The Drive works by an assimilation of how cold it is waiting for the bus and the lateness of the bus in the respects of the fact that the colder it is, the later the bus is. This used such highly complicated math that people could only come to about a rough approximation of it. Which is why they built the ship computer Eddie; for that precise reason.

"If there's one thing that I absolutely loathe about this ship," Marvin was raving to himself as he walked the two up to the control room. "Is that this ship is too happy. The door does nothing but tell you that it was happy to open for you. Oh I blame it on that blasted Cybernetics corporation."

Arthur threw a look in Fnord's direction. Fnord shrugged. The door opened and sighed happily. Marvin rolled his eyes.

The door had happily opened to the control room of the heart of gold. Sitting in a chair was a being with two heads and three arms. For a second Arthur was confused, he couldn't tell if there were two people sitting in the chair or one.

"These two loathsome travelers were found here. They were picked up along the way." Marvin introduced.

"I knew I felt a bump as we entered warp space!" The being said. "Oh by the way, My name is Zaphod Beeblebrox."

"Did I hear that right?" Arthur whispered.

"And who are you?" Zaphod looked Arthur up and down.

"I am Arthur Dent." Arthur said holing his hand out to shake. Zaphod looked at it as if it was a snaggleblaster, a vile creature who lives off the coast of a tiny planet called Toast.

Arthur took his hand back and stood there. "I'm Fnord Prefect." He said and looked around. "Good man, is there anything to drink around here?"

Zaphod pointed towards a machine in the wall that said DRINK. He walked over and left Arthur and Zaphod in an awkward position. Neither of the two knowing what the other one's like so killing any conversation that might pass between the two.

In that moment Fnord started running around hand at his throat screaming. "What in the bloody hell was that vile drink?" He fell to all fours and began coughing.

"I have no clue, but it's all the machine can make." Zaphod said and Arthur walked up to the machine to see what it was. It called itself PepiBlue.

"Oh," Arthur said. "We got lots of that at home." He walked over got himself a drink and much to Zaphod and Fnord's amazement, drank it. "It's all made by Americans anyway."

"Well it's rumored that if your planet can make PepiBlu in any form or spelling then your planet is destined for doom." Zaph said.

"Well yeah," Fnord said flippantly. "His planet was plowed in headway for a highway."

Both shrugged whereas Arthur was over at the machine coaxing it to make tea. "Well then after we discovered fire..." They overheard him say.

"So what were you doing with the ship anyway?" Fnord asked to make conversation.

"Oh there was this thing where they were making a ship. They wanted to prove to the world that it could be done with an improbability drive. So they invited the president of the Universe."

"Oh? And who was that?" Fnord said as the real effects of the PepiBlue started affecting him.

"Well me."

"Oh." Fnord said and found a nearby chair. He sat. "Bet that's really going to kill your chances of ever rerunning as President."

"And then, the Homo Erectus finally went extinct thanks to the 'out of Africa' theory of Homo Sapiens. They then started going into China and other areas..." Arthur was still going on.

Back over at Fnord Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox, they had stopped talking and were playing a couple games of rock, paper, scissors. "But see, scissors can cut through paper." Fnord was saying.

"No, but you can wrap paper around scissors so they don't work!" Zaph said.

Fnord shook his head at the futile game and looked over at Arthur who was sitting on the floor and still telling the story of tea to the machine. "Well finally they started making tea and it was delicious. They made it their staple. That didn't work, so they made it something they drank a lot. Then we noticed how many varieties of tea there were..."

Fnord shrugged again and Zaphod was looking out the window. "So where were you going to go?" Fnord asked him.

"I wouldn't know." One of Zaph's heads said to him. "I just thought to myself, steal the ship. So I did. And here I am. I think I'm headed out to the far end of the universe."

"Well that works." Fnord said.

"Yeah, I'm guessing so."

"And my favorite tea is the western Isle tea. It's got this tang to it, that conversely is sweet. Now you know what lemons and sugar are right?" The computer muttered an affirmative, "Good 'cause I don't want to go into those. Now some like a little lemon and a lot of sugar, then there's those who like a lot of lemon and a little sugar, and there are those who don't give a damn. I however am a delicate constitution..."

"Delicate constitution, there's no lying there." Fnord muttered under his breath. "So that's ONE way to get out of being President of the Universe."

"Yeah," His left head nodded. "It's a joke anyway. There's always someone else over your head that you can't account for."

"Who?" Fnord asked.

"I haven't the foggiest. I know he's started a few wars in his name." Zaph said.

"And then I started drinking tea. I have loved it since." Arthur finished. "So do you think you can get me some besides this unsightly beverage?"

"I'll have to think about it." The computer said. "I'll confer with Eddie. He's got to have as good idea as I do."

"Yo?" Eddie said and the other computer talked to him: "This being wants tea. I just got the gist of the whole deal with tea. But I'm still wondering."

"Hmmm." Was the last thing audible that Eddie said.

"Doesn't something feel strange?" Fnord said. They looked around and realized why. The whole deck had dimmed as if somewhat thinking. "Oh it's just the lighting."

Zaph looked around and nodded as well. They looked out the rearview mirror (Mirror and it's base made out of gold.) There was a ship, that looked like it was thrown together from spare parts and completely ducttaped from front to back. Only this time it was that yellow duct tape you find in some hardware stores. Zaph turned a beet red. "Crap. Volgons."

"Vulcans?" Arthur asked as he just entered the conversation. "The live long and prosperous people?" He put his hands up in the annoying 'V' that many a Sci-Fi convention go-er knows.

"There is no live long and prosperous with these Volgons. They like to demolish anything. And if something of their work lasts, then they have to destroy it."

All two of them looked over at Arthur. "What?" Arthur asked pretending to be innocent.

"Eddie, get us into warp drive." Zaph said.

"I'm sorry but I'm currently working on a problem here. Now, here's some Yanni for your convenience!" The sounds of the annoying player started coming through the computer ports.

"Eddie!" Zaph said.

"Is Yanni too bad for you? Here's Enya's first CD, cause man, you're sounding stressed out as hell." Eddie went back to working on the problem.

"EDDIE!" Zaph screeched. "I think NOW would be a good time to put us into warp drive! NOW!"

"Well shoot, don't get that stressed out. It's only tea." Eddie said.

Both Zaph and Fnord looked over at Arthur who had turned a beet red.