A/N: All I can say is, 'Poor Kibito.' ^-^;; Oh...and there's mild Yamcha and Bulma bashing, too. Just a heads up.

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Kibito's Vacation

By Meressefers

Part 2: Let's Make a Date

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The first two weeks of Kibito's vacation were similarly mediocre. Nothing of particular interest happened. Kibito managed to beat everyone in the household at checkers except, to his utmost surprise, Goten, who was delighted to have beaten a grown-up. Kibito judged an eating contest between Goku and Gohan. (Goku won.) The loser persuaded him to read up on mortal history and sciences. Thus Kibito was spending the time he didn't want in the first place reading stacks of books he couldn't care less about, but it was something to do, and that was all that mattered.

However, Chi-chi misconstrued Kibito's behavior. She took the fact that he pretty much just sat around all day to mean that he was depressed. Why? She couldn't come up with a solid explanation, but his perpetually dour expression was pushing her to new levels of exasperation. What right had he to be miserable?

One day at the supermarket, Chi-chi had an epiphany. The cashier, a teenage girl, cast a scornful glance at Kibito, who just looked confused and annoyed by such unmerited contempt. Chi-chi mistook his bewilderment for another emotion entirely and finally decided on the cure for Kibito's problems: love.

"Kibito, have you ever had a girlfriend?" she asked once they were putting groceries away back at the house.

"Why do you ask?" the pink giant asked suspiciously, having picked up the gist of Chi-chi's previous thoughts.

"Oh, I was just wondering," Chi-chi said innocently. She soon came up with another question. "Have you thought about getting a haircut for the summer?"

"I'm going to pretend," said Kibito, "that this inquiry is in no way related to the first. No, I have not given a haircut a serious thought, as I neither want nor need one."

Chi-chi kept plugging. "We're having an unusually warm summer this year. If you'd like, we can go buy you some more suitable clothes for the weather."

Kibito smiled acrimoniously. "Subtlety is not your strong point, Chi-chi. I do not want a haircut. I do not want a new wardrobe. And I definitely don't want a girlfriend."

"What do you want then, a boyfriend?!?" Chi-chi screeched, finally losing her patience. "I'm only trying to help you here; SHEESH!"

"I understand that, but I do not need your help." Kibito looked down nervously at the little woman with a frying pan. "I am quite content the way I am."

"I don't want you moping around my house all day!"

"I don't want to mope around your house at all, but it's not as if I have a choice in the matter."

"ARRRGH!!!" Chi-chi deftly brought her frying pan down on Kibito's head. His eyes subsequently swirled.

"Maybe I...maybe I should invest in some short-pants...?" he managed to choke out.

***

Two days later, Chi-chi dragged Kibito down the sidewalks in the shopping district of Satan City. "I fail to see the necessity of this," said the divine assistant.

"I fail to see why you're complaining," Chi-chi snapped back. "I let you keep the hairdo and the earrings; what more do you want?"

"Solitude."

"Is that so? Because it seems like you want to meet the frying pan again."

"No...that's quite all right." Kibito sweatdropped, and they stopped in front of a store called Big & Tall.

"Here we are," said Chi-chi, pulling Kibito inside.

Ha! he thought. The store may be for larger men, but they couldn't possibly have clothing to fit *me*!

Poor Kibito. He was dead wrong.

***

"Kibito, let's see the tuxedo."

"No," replied the recalcitrant immortal from inside a changing room. "This is ridiculous!"

"KIBITO..."

"Fine." Kibito huffed and stepped out of the changing room, frowning. He was wearing a nice black suit. "You told me we were only going to shop for summer clothing."

"Well, since we're here, you might as well try on everything," Chi-chi replied gleefully. Kibito nearly fell over. "Besides, you look very nice in that."

"Urrgh..."

"She'th right, you know," said the overtly effeminate salesman standing next to Chi-chi. "You look abtholutely thpectacular, thir!"

Spectacular enough for your tastes, 'thir'? Kibito thought caustically and went back into the changing room. He reluctantly came out in a t-shirt and shorts. "I hope you're happy now that you've completely humiliated me."

"I'm not humiliating you," Chi-chi shot back. "For once, you look like a normal person." Kibito was about to comment dryly on just how 'normal' he looked regardless of any new clothing when the salesman butted in.

"I think that thtyle thuits you very well; the color, too..." the salesman lisped. "Have you conthidered thomething, I don't know, thomething a bit tighter? To show off your muthscles, of courthe."

"That's it," said Kibito, sneering. "I'm sticking with my old clothing." Chi-chi flexed her skillet swinging arm, and an hour later, they stood in the kitchen amidst a plethora of shopping bags.

"Well, that was a productive afternoon, don't you think?" she finally said.

"Futile is the word I would use," Kibito muttered. "Spending my hard-earned money on clothes that won't help me in any way."

Chi-chi gave him a dirty look. "You don't have to be so negative, you know. Besides, materializing money is not the same as earning it." She began sorting through the purchases. "Come over here. I want you to pick out an outfit for tonight."

Kibito gulped. "What do you mean, 'for tonight'?"

"Well, you're going out..."

"Since when?"

"Since now. Don't be difficult."

"I am not going anywhere."

"You will if I have to drag you out there myself!" Chi-chi asserted.

"That sounds exceedingly fine. All those women whom you insist would be swarming me will assume that you and I are a couple."

"That does present a problem..." Chi-chi thought for a moment. "I suppose Goku could go with you instead."

"Even better. They'll assume that your husband and I are a couple."

"Stop making excuses! You're going out whether you like it or not." Chi-chi glared and thrust a pile of clothing at her project...er, guest. "Now try these on again. I want you to make sure they fit before you go downtown in them." Kibito sighed and did as he was told.

***

At 7:30 that night, Kibito and Goku flew into the city. Kibito, all gussied up in jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers, was markedly uncomfortable. Goku, also wearing more normal garb, didn't notice.

A low rumbling startled them as they walked the sidewalks. "Hmm..." said Goku. "Hey, Kibito?"

"What?"

"I'm starving. I know Chi-chi said for us to find you a girlfriend and everything, but you wouldn't mind if we stopped for a bite to eat, would you?"

"No, not at all." Inside Kibito's head, the gears were turning.

***

"YOU SPENT ALL NIGHT AT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET?!?!"

It was 2:30 AM in the kitchen. Goku and Kibito, having barely walked in the door, were standing before Chi-chi, who was in her nightclothes. A vein throbbed in her forehead, and she brandished her frying pan.

"Erm...yeah," said Goku, scratching his head. "Sorry, honey."

"Don't 'sorry' me!" Chi-chi snapped back. "Seven hours! You've been gone seven hours, and you've been stuffing your face the whole time! Do you even remember what you were supposed to be doing?!?"

"Um...helping Kibito get a girlfriend?"

"And what kind of girl could you possibly find at a buffet in the middle of the night?"

"...someone who likes to eat?"

"ARRRGH!" Chi-chi slapped her forehead. "Goku, get out of my sight!" Goku scampered off hastily, and his wife turned to Kibito. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Kibito eyed Chi-chi suspiciously.

"Just because I'm a mortal doesn't mean I'm STUPID. I know full well what you did," said Chi-chi. Kibito opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off. "You're not stupid, either, so don't play it. Everyone knows to say no to Goku when he asks to eat. It's *only* common sense."

"But --"

"No 'buts'. You could have had this whole thing over and done with by now, and I'm sure it would've been a sight more interesting than Goku shoveling food into his mouth."

"If you didn't --"

"I don't see what your problem is," Chi-chi propounded. "I'm trying my best to help you, and you don't seem to care." She gave him a look which would have reduced the most hardened criminal to tears for shame. "Will you at least put in some effort, Kibito?"

Kibito nodded quickly. Damn, he thought. How is it that I've been bested by a mortal woman? He hastily excused himself and rushed to his bedroom.

***

"I can't believe I got sucked into this," said Piccolo as he, Dende, and Kibito strolled downtown the next night.

"Believe it," replied Kibito. He and Piccolo wore the same grim expression, though anyone else would have been hard-pressed to keep a straight face. Chi-chi forced Piccolo to wear some of Kibito's new clothing, and the Namek looked quite the homie in his overlarge garb. Dende was forced to wear Gohan's hand-me-downs.

"Aw, it can't be that bad, guys," said Dende hopefully.

"Easy for you to say," Piccolo grunted. "You haven't gone through this before."

"What?!?" Dende and Kibito's jaws dropped. "Don't tell us you --"

"That's right. Chi-chi tried to find me a girlfriend." Piccolo turned purple.

"Well, what happened?" Dende asked.

"She found out that Nameks are asexual."

"Oh."

"That's all fine and wonderful," said Kibito, the corner of his mouth twitching, "but it really doesn't help me."

"Help you find a girlfriend or help you get out of this?" Piccolo asked smugly.

"Neither!" Kibito fumed. "Give it a rest, Piccolo!"

"All right, all right. Calm down." Piccolo looked around. "Do you have any idea what you want to do?"

"I assume that's why you're here, to tell me what to do."

"Well, do you have any hobbies?" Dende asked. "I'm sure that's the best way to go about it, to look for someone with similar interests."

"No, not really," Kibito muttered. As if most mortal women care about celestial affairs and the like...

"That puts a damper on one solution." The Earth's guardian pondered for a moment. "Why don't we go to a café and sit down?" We'll certainly see lots of people that way."

"I suppose," said Kibito, not seeing any less compromising way out. He and the two Nameks took a table at the nearest coffee shop and watched passers-by. Unfortunately, it seemed to be a slow night for business, as the only adult females who entered the café were a few little old ladies here and there who made Kibito (no spring chicken himself) look much, much younger than his three thousand and some odd years. One brought in a five-year old granddaughter with her, and the little girl burst into tears upon seeing Kibito's face. As you can imagine, this hardly boosted Kibito's ego, and things were not going well for him.

"Do you have any other ideas?" he asked Dende. "I can't afford to go back without any proof that I've actually tried to find a female companion." Dende shook his head.

"I have an idea," said Piccolo quietly.

"Well, what is it?"

"A nightclub."

"Um, okaaay." Kibito stared blankly at Piccolo, not sure what he meant by 'nightclub'. They soon left the coffee shop.

***

"Is this some kind of a joke?!" Kibito shouted. They stood outside of an ugly building decorated with gaudy neon lights. Techno music blared forth like there was no tomorrow, making it nearly impossible to hear anything under a few hundred decibels.

"I said 'nightclub'; I assumed you knew what I meant!" Piccolo yelled back. Kibito scowled.

"Hey, take it easy, you two!" shouted Dende, pulling the two into the club. Somehow, it was worse inside. The music was louder, the people noisier and stupider. They danced everywhere, making it impossible to get around. And then there was the bouncer, who insisted on asking for Dende's ID.

"What's an ID?" Dende asked. The bouncer promptly asked him to leave. Dende shrugged. "Oh well. Guess I'm just a kid, anyway." He told them he'd be waiting outside and left.

"Oh, so he gets out of this?" Kibito snarled.

"Shut up already and start looking around." Piccolo thrust Kibito towards the main dance floor.

"I don't think so. I don't know how to dance...particularly not like them."

"Make something up."

"Are you crazy?!?" Too late. Piccolo had already disappeared into the depths of the club. Kibito inwardly cursed the Namek and shoved his way to the edge of the dance floor, apprehensively watching the mass of bodies undulating to the beat of the music under the colorful lights.

"Wanna dance?" drawled a voice behind him. Kibito nearly jumped, it scared him so badly. He turned around to see a very tall (by human standards, not his), not particularly attractive woman. "Well, do you?"

"Er..." Kibito sweated. Something seemed...*wrong*, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. "I...I'd rather not."

"That's all right." To Kibito's dismay, the woman took his arm and smiled up at him. "How 'bout a drink?" Before Kibito could object, she pulled him towards the bar, pushed him onto a stool, sat on his lap, and called to the bartender.

***

Five minutes later, Kibito ran screaming out of the club. "UGH!!! BLECH!!! I'VE BEEN DISGRACED!!! I'M GOING TO VOMIT!!!"

Dende, who was sitting on the curb outside, got up, stopped him, and told him to calm down. "What's wrong?"

"SHE -- IT WAS A MAN!!!"

"What are you talking about?" said Dende, looking up concernedly. Kibito merely hopped from foot to foot, pointing fearfully at the building. "Okaaay...I'm not quite sure what you mean..."

Kibito finally composed himself and explained about a certain "woman" who tried to get him to dance and to drink; who sat in his lap, tried to kiss him, and eventually revealed "herself" to be a male in drag.

"Ew," said Dende, making a face. Even he, someone who couldn't fully understand anything to do with genders, was grossed out. "I take it you want to go home then?" he asked, expecting Kibito to nod vigorously.

Instead, the big pink guy hunched over and shook nervously. "Can't...go back..." he whispered. "Chi-chi will beat me..."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll understand," Dende soothed. "I mean, you did have a pretty nasty surprise." He looked around. "Well, let's go back in and get Piccolo..." He trailed off as he noticed that Kibito was shaking again. "On second thought, let's just wait out here for him. Yeah." The two sat down on the curb.

A little while later, Piccolo rushed out of the building with a sly grin spread across his face. "There you are, Kibito! I've been looking for you for the past twenty minutes." Kibito and Dende looked up. "You guys won't believe what I saw!"

"Was it a transvestite?" Kibito remarked pointedly.

"What? No." Piccolo gave Kibito a confused look.

"A cross-dresser hit on him," Dende told Piccolo quietly.

"Oh." The taller Namek stifled his laughter and continued with what he was saying. "I saw -- I saw Bulma in there...with Yamcha. They were making out and dancing...shit like that."

"So? Bulma's of no importance, and Yamcha...I don't even remember who he is."

"It doesn't matter. Point is, you can tell Chi-chi about this, and she'll forget all about getting you a girlfriend for the time being."

"I think he has excuses enough for tonight," said Dende.

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To be continued...why? Because this ended up being much, much longer than I expected. So next time, expect the end to this misadventure before we move on to other forms of Kibito torture.