A/N: Sorry bout the long wait. It's been strange writing this, just coming from a weird shounen-ai/yaoi kick. Oh well. I don't like this chapter so much as the second one, but I wanted to get this part done and over with.
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Kibito's Vacation
Part 3: Last Resort
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Dende was surprisingly right. Chi-chi was sympathetic to Kibito's plight. She told him to take it easy for a day or so. Then Piccolo elbowed Kibito, and he told Chi-chi about Bulma and Yamcha's little date. Flabbergasted, Chi-chi forgot all about Kibito's love life for an entire week. Kibito enjoyed his little vacation from vacation.
Unfortunately, the week ended, and Chi-chi got her mind back on track. "Kibito," she said one day, "I know you've had quite a jarring experience, but do you think you're ready to start looking again?"
Kibito, not wishing to ruin this motherly and seemingly PMS-free streak of conversation, quickly nodded. "But I'm not going back to that club. EVER," he asserted.
"No one's making you go there, Kibito." Chi-chi walked over to the phone, sighed, and gave him a dubious look. "I really hate to do this..." she muttered.
"Pardon?" said Kibito, wide-eyed. "Do what?"
Chi-chi picked up the phone and began dialing. A few moments later, she said, "Master Roshi? It's Chi-chi. I have a favor to ask you"
***
I left one dirty old man when I came here, thought Kibito. Why is it that I have to spend my time with another? He was none too pleased. Roshi was apparently Chi-chi's last resort for finding Kibito a girlfriend. Kibito couldn't even see how he fit into the scheme; the perverted old man seemed like lady repellent more than anything else. He pinched one young woman's butt and got himself beat over the head with a handbag. He asked another if she would hold it against him if he told her she had a nice body, which got him a smack across the face. After this specific act of lechery, Roshi turned to Kibito. "It's easy to pick up chicks, you know."
"Yes, you've proven that yourself," Kibito replied stiffly.
Roshi, missing the sarcasm, grinned. "You know it." The setting sun glinted off his glasses. "You must have been going about it the wrong way. You can't just wait for the hot ones to come to you. It doesn't work like that. You have to make the moves."
Oh brother. Kibito sweatdropped.
"Now, this works anywhere, not just in clubs. In fact, you probably shouldn't go to a club; they're a bad place for beginners," Roshi said with expertise. "But you want a brainy girl, go to a library; a bohemian girl, the artsy-fartsy section of town; a girl in a bikini, the beach..." His nose bled.
Kibito couldn't contain himself any longer. "How could you possibly get a date for me, much less yourself, when you objectify women to such an extent?!?"
Roshi looked blankly at him, then started to laugh. "That's a good one. Now come on, let's go chase some skirts." He walked off. Kibito followed him, prevented from hauling and slugging the old man by some degree of courtesy.
They ended up at the grocery store, where Roshi ogled a blonde girl behind the cash register (ironically, the same girl whose contempt had launched Chi-chi's crusade in the first place). As one can imagine, Kibito was bored, annoyed, and quickly losing patience. In the name of all things good...even Rou Dai-Kaioshin-sama isn't this bad! He glowered and finally decided to leave.
Gohan was the only person home when Kibito appeared back at the house. "How did it go?" asked the demi-Saiyan good-naturedly.
"It was a waste of time." Kibito snorted. "I'm a lost cause if incorrigible old lechers are my only help. We ended up at the supermarket so he could leer at the cashier. Disgusting, utterly disgusting. I took off."
Far from affirming Kibito's disgust (as the immortal expected him to do), Gohan stared at him in shock. "You left Master Roshi alone in the city?!? You're kidding, right?"
Kibito gulped. "Um, no..."
"Kibito!" said Gohan frantically. "We've got to go find him before he gets himself slapped with a lawsuit!" He pulled on his shoes, pushed Kibito out the door, and they Kai-kaied to the grocery store.
The two warriors nearly had a heart attack when they got there. Roshi was nowhere to be found; a little asking around told them that the bearded pervert had been escorted out of the store by security after hitting on the cashier. Kibito and Gohan stepped outside.
"Where else might he have gone?"
"I dunno," Gohan said, scratching his head, "Let's think...where would there be lots of women?"
Kibito's eyes bulged. "Why are you asking *ME*?!? I can't even get a girlfriend!"
"Hey, take it easy." Gohan thought for a moment. "I think I know where he may have gone..."
***
"Ah no...I am NOT going in there!"
"Well, I don't want to go in there, either, but we kind of have to..." pleaded Gohan, scratching his head and blushing.
"I don't care! I am not going into a...a...a store like *that*!" Kibito was bright red, and for good reason. The two were standing in front of a lingerie store in the mall. "Why here?!?"
"Roshi and Oolong are always talking about this place...I just imagined this would be the first place he'd go..."
"I hate you."
"Don't get mad at me! You're the one who left him alone." Gohan sweatdropped. "We can't afford to waste any more time now, so you're just going to have to grin and bear it." He grabbed Kibito's arm and pulled him into the shop.
As Gohan nervously searched the store, Kibito caught a glimpse of, well, undergarments. (How could he not? I mean, really...) Quickly, he closed his eyes, but the unfortunate seed of thought had been planted in his mind. Bras and panties were swimming around in his head, and he couldn't get them out.
A saleswoman walked up to the two men quizzically. "Can I help you?"
"AH! GOD, NO! BRAS AND PANTIES!" Kibito shrieked and ran out of the store,
Gohan turned scarlet and fell over. "I don't know...I just don't know..."
***
Five minutes later, Gohan found a hyperventilating Kibito at the back of the mall's bookstore and dragged him away. "Did you have to embarrass me like that?" complained the demi-Saiyan. Kibito merely whimpered. "Oh well; I found out what I wanted to know, anyway." Gohan explained that the saleswoman had seen Master Roshi, and that he had mentioned going to a certain bar downtown. That was now Gohan and Kibito's destination.
Upon arriving at the bar, they learned that Roshi had gone to a flower shop, where they encountered the same problem. Soon they were being shunted from place to place in search of the turtle hermit: the café, the public swimming pool, a dance studio, a gynecologist's office (much to Kibito's horror), and (even more so) an adult bookstore. Finally, they ended up at the Satan City Cinema.
"Do you think he's in here?" Gohan asked. "I mean, do you think someone like him would come here?"
"When I turn into a raunchy old man, I'll let you know." Kibito looked around contemptuously, calm after the lingerie store episode. Inwardly, however, the pink giant was hopping around nervously like a frightened old lady. Everything was going wrong, and it could so easily get worse. And it was ALL HIS FAULT. Not that he would admit that. "Come on, let's go in there and look for him."
"You're the boss." The two warriors entered the cinema to find a vast horde of people crowding the place. Gohan gulped. "Erm...this is going to be harder than I thought."
"Hn."
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"Any ideas?"
Kibito looked down at his feet. "No, not really."
"Hmm...maybe you should check the separate
theaters, and I'll look through the lobby?"
"So be it." Kibito sighed and Kai-kaied away.
***
By the end of thirty or so minutes, Kibito had accomplished a great deal: he had stepped on a big ol' wad of chewed gum, been screeched at by some harridan who insisted that he was blocking her view, and learned that Leonardo DiCaprio is a shitty, shitty actor -- a fact that took the vast majority of Americans much longer than half an hour to figure out. However, Kibito did not find Master Roshi in any of the theaters, and so he Kai-kaied back to the lobby.
The crowd was just as bad as before, and Kibito could not see Gohan anywhere. With a exasperated sigh, he looked over the whole room, but in this case, his height didn't help; all he could see were the tops of people's heads...most with dark hair. Kibito growled and resisted the urge to say anything blasphemous. Why must these mortals all look so...so SIMILAR?!? A little more searching revealed nothing, but all of a sudden, a voice rang out over the dull roar of the crowd.
"ROSHI!"
Kibito jumped at the sound. It was Gohan, all right. He looked toward the source of the sound, but his eyes caught on a sight a few yards ahead of the teenager. A gleaming bald head...shining sunglasses...a hand reaching out eagerly and a white beard framing a lascivious smirk...
"Nooooooo!"
Quickly, Kibito shoved away across the room, picked up Roshi by collar, and glared down into the old man's surprised face. "What," the pink giant snarled, "do you think you are doing?"
Roshi grinned nervously. "Heh...you see, it's a long story..."
"I'm sure it is," Kibito said disgustedly, his voice growing quiet and more dangerous. "Now knock it off. Such behavior is completely...completely unacceptable!!!" He practically spat the words. "Awful old pervert..."
"I -- I see," Roshi said. "Could you, ah, put me down?" Kibito glowered and dropped Master Roshi, just in time for a beet-red Gohan to take the old man aside and whisper an embarrassed admonition to the turtle hermit. Kibito turned to Roshi's intended victim, who was gawking at her champion. "I apologize for anything he might have done," he said, jerking his head toward Roshi.
The woman's stare of shock turned into one of admiration, and she colored prettily. "Oh, he didn't do anything yet. But thank you..." She smiled up at him quizzically.
Kibito blinked down at her dumbly. "UhKibito."
"Thank you, Kibito." Her smile was making the divine assistant feel interestingly uneasy. "I'm Janine. It's nice to meet you."
"Um, yeah," said Kibito. Seeing an opportunity, Gohan nudged Kibito. "The feeling is mutual."
Janine beamed brighter. "Would you like to, I don't know, see a movie?"
Kibito finally returned the smile. "Just so long as it doesn't involve that Leonardo DiCaprio fellow."
And this, Kibby-chan got himself a girlfriend. Janine and he went out every night, to the movies or to restaurants or to museums. He hadn't felt this happy in thousands of years, when he had had a family. Janine was truly a wonderful person.
She dumped him after two weeks. Said he was too stuffy.
Poor Kibito.
As for Roshi, rest assured that he got a good piece of Chi-chi's mind...and her frying pan.
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To be continued... just think, next time will involve a party at Mr. Satan's. Oh, goody.
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::::Just an afterthought here::::
Rou Kaioshin: Ha! "Too stuffy," eh?
Kibito: -_-" What are you doing here, sir?
Rou: I dunno, why aren't you fused with my descendant?
Kibito: .
Rou: I thought so. So, are you still lookin' for a girl?
Kibito: No.
Rou: *ignores him* Hmm, what about that one? Not much to look at, but she seems to like writing about you.
Meressefers: *bats eyelashes at Kibito over her notebook*
Kibito: NO! She...she's evil...she'll call me Kibby-chan and make me listen to her one-person performance of Oedipus Rex...eeeeeee... *cowers*
Meressefers: That I will! ^_^x
Kibito: *sweatdrops & falls over*
Meressefers: Ah, my job here is done.
Rou: Or is it? *leers*
Meresssefers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming* That's it for now; the next chapter is coming soon!
