Kibito's Vacation

Part 5: He Sees You When You're Sleeping

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"*YAWN*!"

Kibito stretched as he got out of bed. It was nine o'clock in the morning, and although he had, having nothing better to do, gotten used to not waking up at the crack of dawn, it was still pretty strange to open his eyes and see sunlight pouring in his room every morning.

He took a deep breath and smiled. The smell of Chi-chi's waffles was wafting up from the kitchen. "Ah, just in time for breakfast." He grabbed his slippers and headed downstairs, humming "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" under his breath.

Kibito made it halfway down the stairs before realizing that he was humming...and that he was humming that song. "Urgh," he said, shuddering. He went down a couple more steps and then realized that he was still in his pajamas. Wow, he thought. If Kaioshin-sama was really watching me, humming and walking around in my nightclothes, he'd think that I'd lost my mind. He pushed this thought aside and continued on his way.

Kibito entered the kitchen, where the three Saiyajins were already chowing down. Goku took a giant stack of waffles, already dripping with maple syrup, and shoved it into his mouth with his bare hands, swallowing the whole lot at once. Kibito gasped, his knees buckling.

"You see this every day, Kibito; don't act so shocked," said Chi-chi, not once lifting her eyes from the bowl of batter she was stirring. But it was not at Goku's copious eating habits that Kibito gawked.

Rather, the divine assistant had one heck of an itch...on his butt.

It must have been a fresh bug bite or something of that nature, but it little mattered to Kibito where it came from. All he knew was that all of a sudden, his posterior had started to itch like mad. Irresistibly, he reached down to scratch it.

"Tsk, tsk, Kibito," said a little voice inside his head, halting him. "What would Kaioshin say if he saw you scratch your behind in front of all these people? For he could very well see you right now. Are you willing to dishonor your lord like that?"

"No," said Kibito timidly. He quickly retracted his hand.

"What was that, Kibito?" Goku said between huge bites of food.

"I s-said, 'N-n-n--'" Kibito stopped, imagining just how nutty he'd sound if he told them he'd just said no to the voice in his head. He put on a stern face. "I--I mean, NO FOOD?! Woman, get cooking; I'm not going to wait a day and a half for my breakfast!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?!?" Chi-chi finally looked up from her stirring, her eyes gleaming murderously.

"N-nothing!" Kibito whimpered. He pulled up a chair and sat down, which relieved the itch for a moment. However, it soon started up again, and he bit his lip, trying to ignore it.

Chi-chi eventually set a big stack of waffles -- not nearly as gigantic as what Goku had downed in one gulp, but still pretty big -- in front of Kibito. Still trying to disregard his itch, Kibito picked up his knife and fork and began eating.

"Don't you want some syrup with that?" Gohan asked, pointing with his fork at Kibito's dish.

"Uh..." Kibito blinked down at his dry waffles. How strange I must seem to them...and to Kaioshin! Hastily, he set down his utensils and reached for the container closest to him, dumping its contents on his meal. His eyes bugged out. "Red..." He looked up in fear. "Why is it red?!?"

"Um...because it's strawberry jelly...?"

"I knew that!" Kibito snapped. Gohan shrugged and went back to eating. Kibito looked dubiously at his strawberry-ified waffles and picked up his silverware. They ended up not being half-bad at all, but once Kibito got over his shock, his butt resumed its, well, itchiness. The harder he tried not to think about it, the more he thought about it, and the more he thought about it, the more it itched. By the time he put away the last bite of waffle, he was squirming in his chair.

"Do you have to go pee or something?" Goten asked curiously.

"No, I..." Kibito trailed off, shut his mouth, and managed to restrain himself from squirming. He looked around the table frantically, then squeaked out a few minutes later, "Do we have any coffee?"

"Yeah, there's some in the coffee maker now. It should be just about ready," said Chi-chi, who had finally sat down with her own breakfast. "Go ahead and help yourself."

"O-Okay," said Kibito shakily. He got up and walked, stiff-legged, over to the coffee machine, only to remember that he needed a cup, too. He staggered across the kitchen toward the cupboard where the mugs were kept.

"Is everything okay, Kibito?" Goku asked, scratching his head. "You're walking kinda funny."

"No, I'm not," Kibito lied.

"Yeah, you are," Goten piped in. "You're walking like a robot." He got up and circled the room, performing an exaggerated, stiff-limbed gait.

"Yeah, I know." Kibito sighed.

"So, what's the problem?" Chi-chi queried.

"I have an itch." Kibito looked around shiftily. "On my backside."

"Yeah?" Chi-chi raised an eyebrow. "Scratch it."

"I...can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"Because...it wouldn't...it wouldn't be proper!"

Chi-chi face-faulted. "Honestly, Kibito, we're not at the party anymore. I don't care what you do so long as you do it within the confines of this house." She glanced around. "Besides, you're in good company."

"*BURP*!" Goku grinned from ear to ear.

"See?" said Chi-chi, gesturing to her husband.

"But Kaioshin-- I mean, if he was here --" Kibito stammered.

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Chi-chi pointed out. "Even if he were, I don't think he would begrudge you scratching your butt. Sheesh." She rolled her eyes. "All that time with Hercule must have gotten to your brain."

"Uh-huh." Kibito put on that particularly forbidding face that he used to hide his embarrassment. "Well, I suppose that's about right." Calmly, he scratched his butt and slumped back against the kitchen counter. "Ahhhhhhhh..."

"There you go, you big dummy," Chi-chi said. "See how easy that was?"

Kibito's nostrils flared. "Who are you calling a big dum--" He stopped mid-sentence, stood straight up, and walked out of the room, shaking. Chi-chi, Goku, and their sons shared a confused look.

"Hey! Uh...didn't you want some coffee?" Gohan called out after him. There was no response. "Hmm, wonder what his deal was..."

***

Back upstairs, Kibito panicked mentally. Oh God oh God oh God! he thought. He supposed it really didn't matter about the whole butt-scratching incident; after all, the Sons didn't seem to care, and in any case, Kaioshin must have seen him scratch his butt hundreds of times. But then there was the fact that 'Shin could easily have viewed that ridiculous, humiliating scene downstairs. I'll bet he's sitting right there with his crystal ball and laughing. He could see it, too: his master, staring into the orb, teary-eyed from laughing so hard, while Rou Kaioshin peered over his shoulder and snickered. Good thing I got out of there before getting myself into an argument with Chi-chi.

He stopped pacing around the room and sat down on his bed. Boy, am I DOOMED! There were so many things that Kaioshin might have possibly seen, so many embarrassing moments. So many moments that might land him in trouble, had Kaioshin watched them. Kissing Janine...being kissed by that *twitch* man in drag...constant frying-pan-beatings...losing to Goten in checkers...using up that last roll of toilet paper and not replacing it... He gulped, thinking of the previous day. What if Kaioshin-sama saw that woman--the mayor's wife--walk into the bathroom and mistake me for a child molester?

"Well, of course he did," said the little voice from earlier. It sounded smug. "He can see everything, you know."

"...Eeeeee..." Kibito went wide-eyed.

"But then again, he might not have been watching everything, per se. He might just have decided on the spur of the moment, 'Let's watch Kibito,' and seen you, Goten standing close, while Livia screamed about a child molester. He could easily put two and two together."

"Noooooooooo!!!" Kibito screamed.

"Don't be ridiculous," said another, calmer voice in his head. "Why would Kaioshin watch you constantly? He has more important duties to tend to, and he trusts you more than that. Besides, if he really wanted to know what you've been up to, he'd ask you psychically. He can read minds, after all."

"That's right; he reads minds," the first voice sniggered. "And the Potara fusion between you two made that metaphysical bond between you all the stronger. He can read into your deepest, darkest thoughts. In fact, he's probably listening to this right now. He knows that you know that he's watching you, and he isn't going to be pleased."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

***

Nearly nine hours later...

"DINNERTIME!" Chi-chi yelled from the kitchen. In a split second, Goku and sons were sitting at the table, silverware in hands, ready to eat.

One seat stood empty.

Chi-chi frowned. "Where is that big oaf?" she muttered, throwing her spatula and marching to the bottom of the stairs. "KIBITO!"

There was no response.

"C'mon, Chi-chi, make with the food!" Goku whined from the kitchen.

"All right, all right already. Sheesh." Chi-chi went back into the kitchen and served them all dinner. She sat down with her own meal, then thought out loud. "What on Earth is with Kibito today? He never misses my meals, even if he doesn't gorge himself like the rest of you."

"Yeah, kinda strange, isn't it?" Gohan said between bites. Goku nodded and mumbled his assent, his words muffled by a mouthful of casserole. "You don't think he's getting sick or anything, do you?"

"I don't know." Chi-chi fell back to eating, and there was silence for awhile.

"Mom, what are we having for dessert?" Goten asked, finishing his dinner.

Chi-chi stopped eating abruptly and glared at no one in particular. "Nothing."

"Nothing?!" All three Saiyajins gaped at her.

"No way!" said Gohan.

"You're kidding, right, Chi-chi?!?" Goku panicked.

"No, I'm not kidding; I couldn't find that huge cake pan Dad got me."

"And you're not mad?" Gohan scratched his head. "Normally, I'd think--"

"Of course I'm mad!" Chi-chi crossed her arms. "But it's not like I lost my FRYING PAN or anything. I couldn't live without THAT."

Goku and Gohan sweatdropped, and the dinner ended rather anti-climatically.

***

A little while later...

"Okay, we've just got to sneak in there and grab the food off the table," Goten whispered to his elder brother. The two boys were standing just outside the kitchen door and peering in at their mother, who was seemingly staring off into space. "If the food's already in the fridge, we'll pretend that we're getting a can of soda."

"You sound like Trunks," Gohan said, sweatdropping. "Almost, anyway."

"I don't care who I sound like!" Goten glared up at his brother, then looked down and whimpered. "I'm just hungry. Mom promised us she'd make that chocolate cake today."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." Gohan patted his own rumbling belly. "But I just said 'almost.' You almost sound like Trunks."

"Huh?"

"You made a dumb mistake--no one would ever buy that excuse. You aren't allowed to drink soda."

"Oh, yeah." Goten scratched his head. "Mom says it makes me hyper!"

Gohan sweatdropped again. "Yeah...let's just do this thing, okay?"

"Okay!" The two tiptoed into the kitchen, flattening themselves against the wall as they approached the table. Indeed, there was the last dish of beef casserole, sitting in front of Kibito's still-empty chair. Chi-chi sat at the opposite end of the table, flipping absently through a recipe book while she spaced out. Apparently, she didn't notice the boys' entrance.

Perfect! though Gohan. He tapped Goten on the shoulder and nodded. The younger demi-Saiyajin sneaked up to the table and--

"*WHACK*!"

"Ow!" said Goten, his hand having been slapped away from the plate. He looked up to see Chi-chi towering overhead, looking quite peeved.

"Aah! Mom!" Gohan went wide-eyed, then gulped. "I--I mean, h-hi, Mom, n-n-nice weather we're having, huh?"

Chi-chi merely glowered. "You two are trying to take Kibito's dinner, aren't you?"

"Yes, Mother," the two squeaked out in unison.

"Well, DON'T!" Chi-chi's voice reverberated throughout the kitchen. Her sons flinched.

"But I'm hungry." Goten rubbed his ears,

"And it's been over an hour since we ate," Gohan added quietly. "I don't think Kibito's coming down for this."

"Over an hour?" In her confusion, Chi-chi calmed down. "Well, I'll just have to wrap it up so he can have it later."

Both demi-Saiyajins face-faulted.

"Can I at least have that?" Goten asked, pointing to a biscuit on the plate.

"No, but you can help Mommy find some foil to wrap it up."

"Yes, Mom." The younger boy trudged to a drawer on the other side of the kitchen. Chi-chi began searching the cupboards, looking for a tupperware container. Gohan stood around stupidly.

"Gohan?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"Go check on Kibito."

"Um, okay." Gohan turned and left the kitchen. Chi-chi found what she was looking for and began putting the casserole into the container. Goten dug through the drawer a couple of times, then looked up, perplexed.

"Uh, Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I can't find the aluminum foil."

"You can't?" Chi-chi cocked an eyebrow. She walked over to the drawer and pawed through it unsuccessfully. "That's funny; I could've sworn I just bought two rolls of it."

Goten shrugged.

"Well, we'll have to use--" Chi-chi started, only to be interrupted by her eldest son from upstairs.

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

***

On Kaioshin-kai, the god of gods was losing a game of chess to his ancestor.

"Cheeeeeeeckmate!" Rou Kaioshin cried out, soundly defeating the younger god. He grinned. "Heh heh...wow. Didn't think I had it in me; I haven't played that game in so long!"

"Yes, you certainly beat me," 'Shin smiled graciously. Rou immediately stopped grinning. "What's the matter, sir?"

"What's the matter?! You're supposed to get mad and struggle to remain respectful while I gloat. I'm baiting you. It's supposed to be funny!" The ancient deity twisted his mouth to the side in irritation. "You're no fun."

'Shin laughed mentally at his predecessor. "I'm sorry, Elder; I didn't realize I was 'supposed' to do that."

"Kibito would have gotten mad."

"With all due respect, Elder, you do taunt him mercilessly." Kaioshin scooped up the chessboard and game pieces out of the grass and neatly put them away. "But I'm glad to hear that you're finally warming up to him."

"Yeah, yeah," Rou snorted, "warm up to that grump."

"He'll be less grumpy when he comes back. He just needed a break," said 'Shin. "Besides, you're just as cranky as him."

"Does that mean I get a vacation to Earth?" Rou looked hopefully at his descendant.

"No, sir, it's not safe to put you on any planet where over half the population is female." 'Shin sweatdropped. "In any case, you have duties to fulfill here."

"An' Big Ugly doesn't?"

"Kibito's duties are entirely optional," the younger god said. "He's my best friend; I don't mean to keep him here as a beast of burden."

Rou Kaioshin merely muttered something crude about "best friends" and "beasts of burden" under his breath.

Kaioshin sighed and thought to himself. I wonder what Kibito's doing right now...I haven't heard from him since he left. He focused his thoughts on Kibito's mind, hoping to convey his greetings and ask how things were going. What he found was an anxious jumble of nerves. Faintly, he could sense Kibito's ki fluctuating wildly, like that of one near-paralyzed by fear. That's odd...I hope he's not in any danger. Curious, 'Shin whipped out his crystal ball, only to see a most disquieting sight. "What the...?!"

***

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

Gohan, standing in the doorway to Kibito's room, looked on in shock. There, in the middle of the floor, sat Kibito, his knees tucked up to his chin. He was wrapped from head to toe in aluminum foil, except for the bottom portion of his right calf (apparently, he'd run out of foil), and had a garbage can lid strapped to his head. As soon as he heard Gohan, he pulled up a metal shield of some sort--Gohan recognized it as his mom's gigantic, three-foot-in-diameter cake pan--and shouted, "Get away! Get away!"

"Kibito?!" Gohan squeaked out. There was no articulate response from the pink giant, so Gohan stepped into the room. "Kibi--" He stopped as his hair caught on a metal coat hanger, which was bent up and dangling upside down from the ceiling. He managed to free himself and call down the stairs. "Uhh...Mom?"

"Just a minute, Gohan; I have to find the aluminum foil first!" came the reply.

"Heh...yeah." Gohan laughed nervously, then turned back to the room. Kibito lowered the cake pan and narrowed his eyes at Gohan.

"You--come here," he grunted, gesturing to the demi-Saiyajin. Gohan started towards him, uneasy. Kibito flailed his arms spastically. "No! No! No! Close the door! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!"

"..." Gohan backed up slowly, eyes wide. "...Okaaaaaaay..." He closed the door and walked back towards Kibito. "So...you feeling all ri--"

"KEEP IT DOWN, YOU FOOL!" Kibito shrieked fearfully. "What do you think you're doing? HE can hear you!!!"

Gohan blinked. "Who's 'he'?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" Kibito hissed. "You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

"I do?" Gohan eyed Kibito dubiously, then decided that the best course of action would be to humor him. "Um...of course, Kibito. Wh-what's with the, um, get-up?"

"It's to shield my body from psychic penetration," Kibito said matter-of-factly. "And my mind. Brain waves are electromagnetic, right?"

"..." Gohan blinked, years of study now escaping him.

"Well?" Kibito demanded. "Are they or not?"

"..." Gohan chuckled nervously. "I--I don't think a garbage can lid and some foil are, uh, going to protect your mind...?"

Kibito nodded in a curt yet anxious fashion. "That's what the hangers are for."

Gohan twitched slightly and inclined his head toward the door. "MOOOOOM!" he called out, his voice wavering.

"What are you summoning your mother for?" Kibito whispered, his fear apparently turning into frustration. "She can't save you from him." His eyes went wide again. "She can't save me from him!"

"Who's 'HIM'?!?" Gohan shrieked, puzzled and not just a wee bit frightened by Kibito's behavior.

"GOHAN!" said a voice outside the door. "You know better than to shout in the--" Here the door opened, and Chi-chi poked her head in, halting at the sight of Kibito. "--in the--in the house." A moment passed in complete silence as Chi-chi registered what she was seeing. "All right, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?"

"Keep it down!" Kibito snapped at her. "He might hear you!!!"

"WHO IS 'HE'?!?!" Gohan and Chi-chi shouted simultaneously.

"KAIOSHIN-SAMA!!!" Kibito roared, then went even wider-eyed and clamped a hand over his mouth, looking fearfully around. "He--he might hear you..."

"Why should I care if he hears me?!" Chi-chi yelled right back. "That's his job, isn't it?"

"But he'll be able to find me!!" Kibito whimpered, pulling the cake pan up again.

"Well, he already knows you're here, you big ba--HEY, THAT'S MY CAKE PAN!!!" Chi-chi pointed at said object and shook in rage; a vein bulged in her forehead. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SPENT LOOKING FOR THAT DAMNED THING TODAY?!?! DO YOU?!?!?"

Kibito peered over the pan with wary eyes. "Um, I don't know?" he squeaked out.

"KIBITOOOOOOO!!!!" Chi-chi lunged at the pink giant and attempted to wrest the pan from him, but with no luck. Kibito held onto the pan, steadfast, and Chi-chi, not being nearly as strong as her guest, couldn't get it to budge. "GIVE ME BACK MY CAKE PAN, DAMMIT!!!"

"NEVER!" Kibito screamed back, holding the pan all the closer. Chi-chi smacked him hard across the face, then pulled his hair. Kibito gasped in pain, then clubbed Chi-chi upside the head with his fist. The former warrior princess (for lack of a better term) stumbled back for a moment, then flew at him again, her fists landing blow after blow to his face. Kibito quickly thrust the cake pan up, catching one of Chi-chi's hands between that and the garbage can lid. Unfortunately, the two metal objects collided, producing a tremendous, gong-like echo.

"WAH!!!" Both fighters fell back, Chi-chi nursing her throbbing red hand and Kibito, swirly-eyed, clutching his ears. Gohan looked on, bewildered.

"Only in this house," he muttered, sweatdropping as Chi-chi and Kibito stood up and glared at one another. Chi-chi clenched her fists, and Kibito snorted, the pan tucked under his arm. Both looked as if they were about to charge each other with their full strength. Gohan gulped and nervously stepped between the two. "...Don't you think we could resolve this without fighting?"

Chi-chi growled. "Gohan, get out of the way."

"Yes, Mom!" Gohan scampered back to where he had formerly been standing. Kibito and Chi-chi circled each other belligerently, and Gohan felt his stomach knot up. "Uh...Kibito? Don't you think Kaioshin can see this? You fighting my mom, I mean. Over a cake pan."

"SWEET LORD, you're right!" Kibito dropped the pan and cowered in a corner. Chi-chi, eye twitching, picked up her pan and stomped toward the door. Turning back for a moment, she said to her son, "Watch him. I'm going to get your father...and some tranquilizers."

***

Three days and a whole lot of horse tranquilizers later...

"Ah..." said Chi-chi, sinking onto the couch in relief. Her family (adopted pink men included) was pretty much back to normal. She had taken Kibito, considerably calmed from the drugs she and her eldest son had pumped into him, to a shrink and gotten him a more correct prescription to ease him from paranoia. Everything was as it should be...well, almost.

Kibito was sitting on the other end of the couch, seemingly gazing in rapture at the talk show Chi-chi was watching. On closer inspection, however, Chi-chi found that Kibito was not staring at but directly above the television--at absolutely nothing. She cocked an eyebrow. "Kibito?"

There was no response from the divine assistant, who did not appear to have heard her at all.

"Kibito!"

Kibito jumped to attention. "Yes?"

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" Kibito gave her a confused look.

"Well, you're staring off into space."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Or were. Whatever."

"..."

"..."

"..." Kibito returned to his staring. Chi-chi twitched.

"THAT'S IT!" she finally yelled. "We're going to Bulma's tomorrow. Your medicine must have some weird side effects; you're acting like a total nut!"

"She's got that right, Dum-dum," snickered the little, imaginary green man that had been talking to Kibito.

"I know," Kibito whispered, a dopey grin on his face. "Sometimes you feel like a nut."

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TBC... A day at Capsule Corp.? Hoo-boy...

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::Just an afterthought here…::

Kibito: The Great Gazoo? The Great Gazoo?!

Meressefers: Yup!

Kibito: -_-" The torture never ends, does it?

Meres: Nope!

Kibito: *sweatdrops*

Meres: You make it far too easy, Kibito. *smiles* Anyway, that was the fifth chapter of "Kibito's Vacation."

Kibito: And it took you a month to get it up.

Meres: Yeah, I know. I have no excuse; I got lazy, and then school started up. :P But I finished this chapter, didn't I?

Kibito: And made me extremely and completely OOC on top of that.

Meres: That's 'coz you're losing your marbles in this chapter...but I promise that you'll get better. Paranoid, near schizophrenic you isn't nearly as fun to annoy as dignified, intellectually superior you.

Kibito: *sarcastically* Well, that's a relief.

Meres: And speaking of annoying Kibito, I pose a question to you, devoted readers. Kibito's summer vacation is now halfway over, so if you would like to see anything in particular happen to ol' Pinkie, feel free to email me (MercuryGirl37@aol.com) or to leave a suggestion in a review.

Kibito: *smirks* Running out of ideas already?

Meres: No, not at all. I have a whole load of plot ideas swimming around my head; it's just a matter of whether I use them or not. And I'm sure that someone must have a really interesting idea that they want to see happen, and HEY! Why the heck not?

Kibito: Damn.

Meres: I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, or how long this story will end up being, but please bear with me. I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten from everyone.

Kibito: Yes, they're charming people, really. All reveling in my agony.

Meres: That is the meaning of life, after all, O vir magnus.

Kibito: -_-" "Vir magnus" indeed...