Hello, everyone! Today I've decided to do something special to test your loyalty! No, you won't be forced to endure Teletubbies, but that's a good idea! Watch... LOOK! OVER THERE!!! FREE RIBBON!!!! Okay. Uriko, how many people are still reading?

Uriko: What am I, your servant?

Ooookay. Shippo, would you enlighten us? (Shippo is tied up) Oh right. Kaibosh Computer, how many viewers we still got?

KC: Just one Maverick.

One? That's it? Okay. Hello, loyal viewer you, despite great temptation, have decided to stay and read this crappy fic. That's all I got. Roll it ya freeloaders!

-Lost Woods

Link W: (Crawling on the ground with a beard and dirty hat and tunic) Green guy... Green guy... How long have we been adrift on this island?

Link T: Uh, dude, you've been here, like two hours.

Link W: (Takes off beard) Oh yeah.

Navi: The kid still looks a little crazy.

Link T: I know just what he needs. Come on! We'll take him to the village.

-Kokiri Village

Link T: Hey random Kokiri!

Kokiri#1: Hey Link! Hey Epona! Hey Navi! Hey Link! What a nice two guys.

Link T: (Walks by Deku Tree) Hey Deku Tree!

Link W: Hey Deku Tree!

Great Deku Tree: Link, do you realize there are two of you?

Links: Hu wha?

Navi: They realize mien furher, but I believe they are too stoned to care.

Great Deku Tree: Whatever. It's not my job to watch over the green hatted children.

Link T: Hey Mido!

Mido: (Makes cross with fingers)

Link T: Cursed.

Navi: We got it.

Link W: Whatever.

-Saria's House

Link T: Deku told me about Saria's secret piggy bank he found while he was in one of his "barmy" moods. (That means drunk)

Link W: So where is this Barmy? Shouldn't he be here?

Link T: I don't know. They're probably... (Saria's song plays) Hold on, I got a page. (Takes out Ocarina and uses it like a cell phone) A hoy-hoy?

Saria: (Breathing heavily) I'm sooo scared. Link! Me, and Deku, and Ruto, and some weirdoes who say they know you are, well they is... we is.

Ruto: AHHH! There it is!

Medli: Valoo help us!

Makar: No way! We're praying to my god!

Deku-Link: (In a meditative state) Oh mani-paymay ho. Oh mani-paymay ho. Praise Buddha!

Saria: Link! You gotta... oh no! NOOOOOOOO........................

Link T: Oh no!

Link W: What? What is it?

Link T: Some one cleaned out all the loot! There's nothing left!

Link W: Can't we hock anything?

Link T: Not unless they wanna buy some old Tic Tacs or a sage seal.

Link W: Well, we're lost with one of them, but maybe some one will buy the Tic Tacs!

Link T: No it's hopeless. We'll never get drug money!

Navi: Why don't you just go chop down some bushes?

Link T: Now really Navi, when was the last time you had good advice?

Navi: Uh.....

Link T: Never. You were never right. Okay, we have but one option, we'll have to get high off of whatever we have. Empty your pockets! Okay, I got a couple of Deku Nuts, a couple of Fairies, some chocolate, some scraps of weed, and the remains of some guy named Goht. You okay with eating a mechanical beast?

Link W: Uh, okay.

Link T: Good, what'cha got?

Link W: I got some blue Chu Jellies...

Link T: They're blue now?

Link W: Some Golden Feathers, the blood of a Moblin...

Link T: Is it fresh?

Link W: (Smells and then drinks the blood) Eh? It'll do. And, I got some of this blue sh*t Makar made me out of seeds.

Link T: Is it legal? More to the point, is it depth blurring?

Link W: Couldn't hurt.

Link T: Good enough for me! (Takes all ingredients, shoves them in a bottle and shakes it up)

Link W: Are you sure this is drug making and not summoning of evil beasts?

Link T: That's for Satan to decide. (Sets down glass) Okay try it dude.

Link W: No way, I ain't tryin' it! You try it!

Navi: Would you guys stop being such pansies and... (As she is talking, Link W shoves the drink down her throat) O.o **************************** (Starts flying around in circles) Weeeeeeee! I'm the green fairy! WEEEEEEE!

Links: O.o (Look at the drink and promptly begin to drink)

Link T: I don't feel anything yet.

Link W: Me neither. Stupid fairies! They have less of a tolerance for drugs!

Link T: Well, we better burn it. (Sets the drink on fire with a Deku stick and causes an evil demon to rise out of the drug brew)

Demon: HAHAHA! I am finally FREE!!! Wait no... I don't wanna go back to the nothing! ( Is sucked into the drink turning it black)

All: O.o

Link W: (Takes the drink and drinks it) WOO! THAT'S GOOD EVIL! (Starts flipping out)

Link T: Gimme some of that! (Drinks and also goes crazy) @.@ SNAP!

Snap indeed Link. Snap indeed. We'll check back with the pot heads later, now let's see how the crime syndicate is doing.

-Hyrule Fields

(A carriage drives through the hills with Hyrule two, most notorious, non-Gerudo, thieves and the worlds biggest supply of loot)

Tetra: (In a tiny kiddy pool full of rupees and gold) Mmm Money! Mmmm Hyrule's Money!

Zelda: (Dressed as Sheik) Uh Tetra? You gonna be done soon?

Tetra: Now, Zelda what did I tell you was rule one of thievery?

Zelda: Leave no witnesses.

Tetra: Besides that.

Zelda: Always go for the shiniest loot.

Tetra: BESIDES THAT!

Malon: The truth is out there.

Tetra & Zelda: WHO'S DRIVING THE HORSES?

Malon: Sorry, sorry. Yeesh! People are so finicky. (The cart hits something)

Tetra & Zelda: O.O

Malon: It was probably a dog.

Ingo: (Was run over by cart) Oh my back. MAAA-LON!

Malon: Snap. (Rides off)

Zelda: Remind me, why is she here?

Tetra: Zelda, every great thief outfit needs an equal balance of brains, skill, and futility.

Zelda: Eh?

Tetra: Look, we need your smarts to case the joint, we need my skills to rob the place, and we need her to supply and drive the getaway cart.

Malon: Finally I have a purpose!

Zelda: But it's my cart!

Malon: Your cart, my donkey, it's only fair!

Zelda: But it's my donkey!

Malon: Well yeah.

Tetra: Look, she's the best we can do without the Yellow Submarine.

Zelda: You named your boat the Yellow Submarine?

Tetra: (Meekly) Yes.

Zelda & Malon: .......... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Suddenly a bomb is through at them by Tetra) O.o (The two through it to each other back and forth until Zelda finally wises up and throws it out the carriage)

-A Ways down the Road

Ingo: Oh, quite a daring escape from the jaws of death. (Bomb falls at his feet) Why do I even bother?

You don't wanna see this, or do you? Yes you do!

Ingo: O.o (Bomb explodes) MAAAA-LON!!!!

-Elsewhere

Malon: Did you guys hear something?

Tetra: Never mind that. Now, I need to talk to you guys about something. As you know we already have stolen the Grande Toothpick, the golden Wind Fish of the Squirrel Master, and the Shores of Tripoli.

Zelda: But the shores of Tripoli aren't in Hyrule.

Tetra: They are now. =)

Malon: Oh, yeah. I remember that. So many memories, so many deaths, so many abducted cattle, WHHHHYYYY!! (Starts crying)

Tetra: It's okay Malon, we'll get those dirt bags who stole your cattle. I have my top men working on it!

Zelda: And by top men you mean...?

Tetra: You, Zelda. You're working on it.

Zelda: (Groans)

Tetra: Anyway, remember last week when we jumped that Goron and stole his clicker?

Zelda: Do I! (Is playing with clicker)

Malon: Hey don't hog it!

Zelda & Tetra: DON'T LET GO OF THE WHEEL!

Malon: Sorry.

Tetra: Anyway, I really wanted THIS! (Takes out Goron Ruby) Shing! Sparkle, Sparkle!

Zelda: Is that that Goron Ruby?

Tetra: That it is Zelda! For you see we are going after the biggest prize of them all, The Triforce!

Zelda: Tetra, the Triforce was already stolen, remember?

Tetra: Yeah I know! But I figured I went back in time to before Gannondorf got it, so it must still be there!

Zelda: Tetra, it...

Malon: Don't try arguing with her. She's gone off the stealing deep end! First she wants the Triforce, next she'll want the earth's core.

Tetra: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NEXT HIEST?!?!?!

Malon: O.o

Tetra: Uh, sorry. Anyway according to this place mat from the restaurant we ate breakfast at last night, it says we need the three elemental stones and the Ocarina of Time to get the Triforce! We got the Ruby and Zelda's Link has us covered on the Ocarina, so all we need is the Zora Sapphire and the Kokiri Emerald, carried by the sages of Forest and Water, who also according to the same place mat, are Saria and Ruto! (Bump, bump, bump!)

Zelda: Uh, Tetra, why exactly do you want the Triforce? Ultimate evil?

Tetra: Hell no! Everyone knows the Triforce is the shiniest of all golds, baring the center of the Earth, and if I, er we, stole it we would be the worlds greatest thieves! We could go up to Riku, Lupin III, and hell even Sly Cooper and blow smoke in their stupid monkey faces! Except Sly, who would have a raccoon face. Plus we can finally make ten-million dollars!

Malon: You know, Sly has a thief manual.

Tetra: (Holds up page of Thievious Raccoonus) Does he now?

Malon: Woah!

Zelda: Where'd you get the page?

Tetra: I bought it from the bat-girl we met in the last town. You think this could have any bad ramifications? (A cane is rammed through the carriages roof)

Zelda: Oh yeah.

-Elsewhere in the land of Hyrule

Makar: (Holding some sort of pufferfish/cat) Thus ends the mystery of the haunted cat balloon! (Puts it on his head) Like my new hat?

Medli: You should probably burn that thing.

Makar: I little early for should.

Deku Link: (Is now struggling to limp forward) So tired, can't keep going. Saria? Saria? If I don't make it, tell my dad, he's weird.

Saria: Uh, Deku? We've only been walking two minutes. (Points to the sign that says "You are now leaving the Kokiri Forest")

Deku Link: I hate you all, so very, very much.

-Later

Deku Link: Now I'm so tired! How the hell did Link ever do this?

Talon: (Rides up on a horse) Get a horse! (Rides away)

Deku Link: That guy was a jerk! Let's do what he says!

Ruto: No.

Deku Link: There are some Cuccus! We could ride Cuccus!

Saria: Uh, that's not a good idea Deku, those Cuccus are f*cking crazy, and anyway...

Makar: (Rides up on a Cuccu) High-ho clucky! (Suddenly a very pissed off Cuccu calls upon its allies who promptly attack Saria, Makar, Deku, and Ruto)

All except Medli: AHHHHHHHH!

Meldi: (Talking to Cuccus) Yes, that's it! Dance minions, dance! (A Cuccu starts clucking at her) Get out of here you feathered mother f...

-Minutes Later

Medli: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'M TO YOUNG, AND FULL OF HATRED FOR HUMANS TO DIE!!! (The entire Cuccu is now chasing her)

Cuccu: BWAK! Translation: We have her now men! Get the hippie!!!

-Many Minutes Later

Deku Link: So Hungry! Gotta eat something! Like fried chicken! (Looks at Medli and sees KFC bucket and starts drooling)

Medli: (Looking at Ruto and seeing a plate of carp and starts drooling as well)

Ruto: (Looking at Deku Link and seeing an acorn) Uh... wait maybe... (Now sees a giant Sequoia tree slab) Whatever I can get. (Starts drooling)

All three: (Look toward Saria to see a hot dog (That's what they're made of))

Saria: O.o Uh, I'm flattered but I don't swing that way. And Deku Link scares the hell outta me!

Makar: Eureka! I've found it! According to this map I just drew with no sources or foundation, the lost land of Hyrule should be just over that ridge!

Saria: Uh, Makar? There is no ridge around here.

Makar: Uh, did I say ridge cause I meant crevasse!

Ruto: Uh, uh.

Makar: Well where the duce are we!? (Camera pans out to show the ocean)

Ruto: Would you believe Lon Lon Ranch?

-Local Bar

Saria: I can't believe we walked all the way from the forest to the beach without even bumping into Hyrule! Makar, what kind of weird ass map you reading?

Makar: I don't know, my calculations were right.

Medli: Makar? This is a map of Disney Land.

Makar: Really? Then I've been getting my groceries from the Pirates of the Caribbean for three years!

-Flashback, Ghost Ship

Makar: (Is checking out groceries at a ghost cash register) Hmm, I think I'd like my groceries bagged in order I'll eat it on the way home!

Zombie Cashier: Sir, you've already had me bag them by shape, color, and order Ganon would destroy them in! Please your holding up the other fiends. (A large burst of fire is shot at Makar and the Zombie Cashier)

-Back

Ruto: Look, relax guys. I road to the forest on Lord Jabu Jabu! I'm sure he can take us to Hyrule.

-Ocean Shore

Ruto: What do you mean hundred rupees a ride!

Deku Link: That's Bull Sh*t!

Jabu Jabu: Hey, times are getting worse!

Ruto: I was just here this morning and it was free!

Jabu Jabu: Look princess. It's all supply and demand. I demand that you supply me with some bling-bling!

Deku Link: Well, we're boned!

Medli: Come on! I'm sure together we must have near one hundred rupees!

-Later

Medli: Okay, together we have four sage seals, a shiny hat...

Deku Link: (Takes hat back) Don't touch the hat.

Medli: And a box of Tic Tacs.

Makar: My Tic Tacs!

Medli: Which comes to a total of... negative thirty seven cents.

Makar: Well, we're boned! Who wants some blue stuff?

Deku Link: Yeah, that sounds good. Give me some of that stuff!

Medli: Well, the writings on the wall. For us to get to Hyrule, we'll have to kill one of us and sell their carcass as meat, and I would like to volunteer Ruto!

Ruto: What? Why me?

Medli: Because you've said the least during this fic!

Deku Link: Yeah! No one will mind if you're gone!

Saria: Also, if we let you stay, we know you're gonna start going on about Link in a few chapters.

Makar: Make her pay!

Ruto: Now, I'm sure there are better ways to get the money than murder and extortion.

Makar: (Whispering to Deku Link) How'd she learn about part two?

Ruto: I mean we could steal the money.

Saria: No way! Stealing is for losers and raccoons! (Suddenly a cane jabs out of the sand)

All: AHHH!

Maverick: Where does that cane keep coming from?

Uriko: (Hides cane behind back) No where.

Maverick: Uhhhhh right. Back to the fic.

-Ganon's Tower

Ganon (W): (No longer in pig mode and very exhausted) Okay, I think we've discovered that fighting will get us no where.

Ganondorf (T): You're just a sore loser, ya pansy!

Ganon: Shut it! Don't you see? We've been given another chance! With the power of the Triforce and the combined strength of me times two, we shall rule the universe!

Ganondorf: Yeah! We shall rule the world! Yo, this dude is a f*cking dork! As soon as we rule I am going to...

Ganon: Lift him by his brains and kick him in the nuts!

Both: O.o Oh sh*t he can read my thoughts!

Ganon: Well, it's become bluntly apparent that deception will not work.

Ganondorf: It will if I close my eyes and say "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!"

Ganon: Please Ganondorf, I may be five hundred and twenty-six years older than you, but I'm also five hundred and twenty-six years smarter than you!

Ganondorf: Not to mention five hundred and twenty-six pounds fatter!

Ganon: =( (Zaps Ganon with laser eyes) I also got high on quite a lot of blow and discovered how to shot lasers from my eyes.

Ganondorf: (Burned) You don't say?

Ganon: Let's just work together for now, and when we rule we'll have a thumb war! Winner takes Hyrule loser goes back in the sacred realm! Agreed?

Ganondorf: Agreed.

Helmaroc King: BWAK?

Ganondorf: Yes, yes. There'll be punch and pie!

Ganon: Okay, we've spent far too much time quibbling on formalities! We must think of a plan to take over Hyrule, and quickly! Link and Zelda may already know we're planing! (The three sit down and think)

Ganondorf: ...So, how the hell did I live to five hundred?

All three: ???

Helmaroc King: BWAK!!!

Ganondorf: Yes! The Highlander theory does make sense!

-Zora Domain Night Club

Zora MC: Ands now, put your, uh, whatever the hell you fish weirdoes have together for Saria and Deku Link!

Saria: (Is holding Deku Link like a wooden dummy) Hi, I'm Saria, and this is little Knot Head!

Deku Link: This is humiliating, I'm a famous Deku Warrior with many point weapons!

Saria: Well "lord" Knot Head, why don't you sing for the people, while I drink this glass of water! (Starts drinking)

Deku Link: (Starts humming the theme from Super Mario Brothers and then begins break dancing) I spit in that water.

Saria: (Spits out water) KNOT HEAD!!

(Elsewhere in the room, Medli and Ruto are playing the harp, for two audiences on opposite sides)

Ruto: (Begins playing faster and attracts people from Medli's side of the room)

Medli: = (Plays even harder)

Ruto: = (Plays harder and is almost hit by Medli's harp)

Medli: (Is now standing in a ninja stance)

Ruto: You have insulted... this wall. WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT!!! (Tears off cloths to reveal white ninja suit)

Medli: Very well! I've been expecting this! (Does the same to reveal a business suit) Huh? (Does it again to reveal a clown suit, peter pan suit, super hero costume, gorilla suit, tuxedo, and finally her original cloths) O.o

Makar: Uh, Medli? You gonna be done anytime soon?

Medli: Oh right. I don't wear my ninja suit on Saturdays.

(Universal Facefault)

Medli: Very well! (Throws scarf over mouth like a Shinobi) Hi-Yah! (Runs on the wall over to Ruto and wall kicks her Enter the Matrix style)

Ruto: (Takes out ninja death stars and throws them at Medli)

Medli: O.o! (Dodges them all in slow motion as causing them all to hit an innocent bystander)

Bystander: (Hit with death star) What the!? (Hit by a second) Oh my! (Hit by two more) Oh my no! (Hit by one in the head) Ow. (Dies)

Medli: = (Runs to one side of the room and jumps from there to Ruto (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon style) and begins kicking Ruto continuously, in the air still) Ya,ya,ya,ya! I could keep this up all night! Ya,ya,...! (Does a roundhouse kick, knocking Ruto out and lands on the ground) And stay down sucka! (Walks over to wall and pulls harps out. She the walks over to where she was sitting and begins to play softly again) No wait that's not right. (Turns dial on harp and begins to play "Welcome to the Jungle")

Makar, Deku Link, and Saria: O.o

Saria: Guys, let's never piss off Medli again.

Makar: Deal.

-Later

Medli: (Counting the money they made as Ruto sneaks up behind her with a sledge hammer)

Makar: Hey Medli, great idea with the karate fighting.

Ruto: Uh, idea.

Medli: Yeah, I knew that people would pay more money for a cat fight! Ha! Foolish testosterone!

Ruto: Uh, of course. Heh. (Hides hammer behind back)

Medli: Uh, what's with the hammer?

Ruto: What? Oh this! Uh, this is to clock Deku Link with!

Deku Link: (Walks in) Hey guys! (Is smashed on the ground)

Makar: Oooo! You bashed him right on the noggin!

Medli: Okay, according to this, we made three hundred rupees! We already got more than enough!

Deku Link: (Gets back up) Nice try demons, but it takes more than that to stop the mighty Deku Link! Sooooooooo, anyone gonna talk about my hat? Huh? Huh?

Medli: Okay, we'll bite. What's new with your hat?

Deku Link: I got it upgraded! (The hat is now solid gold) Behold the gilded hat in all it's gilded hat glory! And it only cost one hundred rupees!

Others: O.o

Medli: Well, at least we still got two hundred rupees.

Saria: Hey Ruto! Check it out! I got the Zora Sapphire and the Kokiri Emerald made into large novelty rings, just like you asked! And it only cost fifty rupees each. (Everyone looks at Ruto)

Ruto: Heh heh. No Saria I said drinks. Not rings.

Medli: Ruto, I swear I will f*cking kill and eat you!

Ruto: Come on! We still got enough to go to Hyrule!

Medli: Uh, actually, I sort of lied. I spent eighty bucks.

Ruto: On what?

Medli: (Is wearing a gem stone engraved cloths) Would you believe, the fight against cancer?

Saria: Well, at least we made some money.

Makar: Uh...

Saria: Oh no! Oh please no!

Makar: I sort of spent twenty bucks. (Holds up a new solid gold fiddle) He also let me make a free CD! (Holds up CD) Makar let's loose! Only six ninety-five!

-Mountain Smithy

Smithy: (Rolling in money) Wow, those little forest sprites were sure gullible!

Big Smithy: ROOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!! ME SMASH!!! (Beats tiny smith's head in) NOW ME LORD OF RINGS!!!!! LALALALALA!!!!!

-Zora Domain

Saria: CURSE YOU MOUNTAIN SCHMITY!!!! CURSE YOU!!!!!

Makar: Well, we're screwed three days to Sunday. Who wants a Tic Tac? (Takes out Tic Tacs, and suddenly a giant whale rises out of the sea)

Jabu Jabu: Are those Tic Tacs you got there? Can I have some Tic Tacs?

Makar: No way! Sod off!

Medli: Get um! (They all pile drive on to Makar and get the Tic Tacs from him) Okay, here's your stupid pay! Now take us to stupid Hyrule!

Jabu Jabu: (Eating) Okay. Just climb on my back and ride the barnacle!

Saria: Finally! The nightmare is over!

Medli: Can I still kill Ruto?

Maverick: Well, once again we ended a chapter with out doing anything of relevance! Sorry for the extremely long subplot, I swear I'll make the next chapter shorter. (Crosses fingers) Well, see ya next chapter and... (In the background people are looting) Hey! What the hell is going on? (Sees who the people are) What? Rikku, Lupin III, Sly Cooper, Rouge! What are you guys doing here?

Rikku: Oh hello!

Lupin: We are the master thieves and we're here to rob you blind!

Sly: We already drugged Uriko and mister Shippa.

Maverick: Ya'll got Shippo?

Rouge: Less talk more take.

Lupin: Wait! Could you guys get a picture of us with Maverick?

Rouge: Okay. (Starts taking picture) Done.

Lupin: Great. Goemon's gonna love this. He's a big fan of your work.

Rikku: Okay, let's get him out of here! Bender! Gambit!

Maverick: (Is carried away by a very angry Cajun and a wonderful mechanical man) Help! This ain't no act bitch! HELP!!!!!!