Chapter 8

I watched the shock and confusion cross his young face, the tears still silently falling as he stood tall in front of me, demanding answers to questions that he had every right to ask. As odd as it might sound, I was proud of him at that moment. It couldn't have been easy to come in and confront me as calmly and coolly as he did. I'd imagine that most kids would have come in ranting and raving, demanding and accusing; but not my Danny. Even though his voice rose at times, even though it shook with anger, he still approached me with respect...and, I hoped fervently, with love.

I was so damn sorry I hurt him. I could see it in his brown eyes as they stared at me, desiring answers, but still afraid of what they might be. I had a feeling from the moment he and Grace had walked into the barn that something big was going on. I'd had an unsettled feeling ever since Grace and I had talked about my time at Pearl. She was a clever one. While I had felt uncomfortable at times, she never pressed hard enough to make me suspicious of her motives.

Truth was, I had been thinking about Danny all week. We, Rafe, Evelyn and I, had always planned on telling him the truth, but the time just never seemed right. And as the years passed and Evelyn was unable to become pregnant, I just couldn't see pushing the issue. I didn't want to cause Rafe any more pain by taking away the only son he had, so I settled for being his friend.

I was proud of the relationship I had with Danny. It was much easier to be a friend than to be a parent. I was the one he came to whenever something was bothering him. I had chalked it up to like personalities, but still...he came to me...not Rafe. It was the one thing that was just ours.

Still, we should have told him sooner. It might not have mitigated the pain he was so obviously going through now, but at least if we would have told him he wouldn't have had to wonder if I had...wanted and loved him. If only he knew how much I did. How much I had thought of him, and watched over him. It hadn't been easy for me to step aside and let Rafe be his father. I couldn't expect that Danny would understand that, but I knew I had to try. This wonderful, intelligent, and caring boy had to know that he was loved and cherished everyday of his life...by me and by Rafe.

Bewildered, he shook his head at me, silently repeating my words. "But you just said.... I don't understand." The hostility had momentarily left his face. My words had confused him and why wouldn't they? They were in total contradiction to what I had just admitted. But as contradictory as they might have sounded, it was true. There was more to being a father than biology.

"I know," I responded, running a hand over my face. I wasn't ready to talk about this. I didn't know what to say...to make things better.… And I definitely didn't want to make them worse. "It's complicated. Things between me and Rafe...and your mom back then were very...complicated." I was beginning to sound like a broken record, but what other word could describe our situation? There was nothing normal or conventional about it. I looked around trying to figure out what to do. "Look, your mom should be home from the hospital soon. We can go get Rafe and we can all....."

"No," Danny said, shaking his head emphatically. "I want to know now. I want to know why you let me believe that...Rafe...was my father. Why you all lied to me."

"Okay," I agreed slowly, seeing the determination in his young eyes. Prolonging this would only make it worse, I realized. As much as I wanted Rafe and Evelyn to be there I was going to have to go it alone. "Let's sit down and talk. I'll tell you...whatever I can," I hedged, knowing that as much as I wanted to tell him whatever he wanted to know, some things weren't mine to tell. Only Rafe and Evelyn could explain their sides of the story.

Danny nodded, accepting my invitation, and walked towards the back wall where Rafe had put some old easy chairs. The upholstery was torn in places and stuffing was coming out of the arms, but they were comfortable enough. My throat tightened as I sat down, thinking of all the conversations we'd had in those very chairs. Just two weeks before we had talked about his little stunt in the plane. He couldn't fully understand Rafe's strong reaction and why he was being ignored and needed someone to talk to about it.

No one had been prepared for Rafe's reaction, actually, though Evelyn and I could at least understand it a bit.

Once his initial anger had been spent Rafe had been unable to talk to Danny. This confused the boy, of course. I did my best to try to explain the situation to him, but I don't know if he truly understood how traumatic it was for Rafe; watching someone he loved dearly crash - again.

We had all been scared to death, watching Danny try and repeatedly fail to restart the plane. Rafe and I had been working in the hangar that afternoon. Danny had come in earlier, begging to be able to dust the near field. Neither Rafe nor I thought anything of it. He'd been flying solo since he was 12, though for only short flights within sight distance of the farm. He'd be up and back down in 10 minutes, or so we thought.

I remember smiling at Rafe as we listened to the plane take off, both of us proud of what a natural flyer he was. Then Sam came into the hangar complaining that Danny was doing stunts. Danny, Sam and Grace knew that they weren't allowed to do stunts unless either Rafe or I were with them. I was surprised by Danny's actions, but I didn't want to encourage Sam's habit of tattling. A rule is a rule, though, and Rafe and I moved outside the barn to see if we could catch him in the act.

That's when we heard the heart stopping sound of the plane stalling. Time seemed to slow as we scanned the sky. My first thought, once I spotted him high to the south, was 'thank God he has altitude.' I was immediately terrified - that was my son up there - but still hopeful. Danny was a good pilot. Both Rafe and I had drilled him on what to do in case something like this actually happened. I had even purposely stalled the plane and let him recover, just in case. He'd been calm and cool, and he'd done it. I prayed that he'd be able to do it this time, without me there to back him up.

I glanced briefly over at Rafe, who was mumbling under his breath. I could only catch a few words, but those were revealing enough. "Jesus...no...not again...level off...Danny...Jesus!...pull the choke...again!....come on...Oh Jesus....please....." His eyes remained focused on the plane the whole time, not once letting it out of his sight. From somewhere behind me I vaguely recognized Evelyn's choked scream. She was 20 feet away from me, but it might as well have been miles. My whole being was focused on the plane gliding above me. I stood there and prayed silently beside Rafe. "Jesus...Please..."

My heart had almost stopped beating by the time the plane finally sputtered to life. I glanced over at Rafe, his face still as pale as death, his eyes squeezed shut tight as he whispered, "thank you, thank you," repeatedly.

Danny landed without a problem, the wide grin on his face evidence of how proud he was of himself. What pilot wouldn't have been? As kids, Rafe and I had pulled off many dangerous stunts that, had his father known, would have left us grounded for life, not to mention unable to sit down for days. But Danny wasn't us - he was our son. And we weren't the same kids we used to be. We had lived through combat, seen our friends shot down and killed. We knew what it meant to crash a plane and it was not something we ever wanted to see again; especially not in our own backyard, and not with Danny in the plane.

Rafe was halfway to the plane before I had recovered enough to move. I glanced briefly back at Evelyn. Seeing Kate and Grace with her, I quickly jogged after Rafe.

"Dad! Did you see that?" Danny crowed proudly. "Did you see, Uncle Danny?" He quickly clambered down, pulling off his goggles and looked at us expectantly, a wide smile on his face. It slowly faded as we stared at him silently.

Neither Rafe nor I could say anything at first. I was far too relieved to have him safely on the ground. I wanted to run to him and hug him, just to reassure myself that he was truly alright, but Rafe stood between us and from the look on his face I knew that he was about to explode.

"Just what in the hell did you think you were doing up there!" Rafe bellowed as he marched up to Danny. "What were you thinking?"

Danny backed up a step, looking bewilderingly between Rafe and myself, obviously shocked by the depth of Rafe's anger. "I...I...was trying to...restart...the plane," he stuttered, not taking his eyes off Rafe. "I did just like you guys taught me...."

"What were you doing up there?" Rafe asked again, not listening to Danny's words. He took another step towards him, trying to be intimidating. It didn't quite work out the way he planned though. While Rafe was larger in frame, Danny stood just as tall as he did, which left them staring eyeball to eyeball.

Danny glanced around nervously. Rafe didn't get mad very often, but it was obvious that he was well beyond mad now. His face was bright red, his fists were clenched tightly and his eyes were practically bulging from their sockets. "I was just dusting the field...." Danny offered meekly, looking over at me briefly, before focusing on Rafe again.

"'Just dusting the field,'" Rafe mocked, his face turning redder as he took another step forward, backing Danny against the plane. "Just dusting the field and the plane happens to stall?" He prodded Danny in the chest with a finger. "Or were you doing stunts? Huh, Danny?" he poked again. "Is that what you were doing? When you know it's not allowed?" Rafe's voice was rising and I could tell from the way Danny flinched that Rafe was jabbing him harder with each question he asked.

I reached a hand out, placing it on Rafe's shoulder, trying to calm him down. I could feel his coiled and trembling muscles. "Rafe," I said softly. He didn't so much as acknowledge that I had spoken. "Rafe," I said louder. "Give him some space."

Wildly he turned to face me, his eyes flashing angrily. "I...let me handle this," he said through clenched teeth.

I took a step back, not sure if he was angry with Danny or with me too. I held my hands out wide. "Of course... just give him some space. Let him explain. I know you're upset...we all are...but we just need to calm down." It was hard for me to not interfere, even after all these years. I wanted to sit and talk to Danny, but it wasn't my place. I had relinquished it years ago, and it still pained me.

Rafe made an effort to calm himself, taking a deep breath. "So, explain," he barked at Danny, turning back around to face him.

Danny swallowed. "I...I was...finished dusting.." he began hesitantly, watching Rafe warily. "And I was just going to do a roll...or two... and the plane...stalled...I didn't think..."

"That's exactly right," Rafe interrupted. "You didn't think." His hand came up, pointing at Danny's chest, but he consciously brought it back down to his side, his fist clenched tightly. "Are you supposed to be doing stunts when you're flying solo?" Rafe asked. Danny shook his head. "Answer me!" Rafe barked.

"No, sir," Danny replied, staring down at his shoes.

"But you did it anyways..."

"Yes, sir."

"Why?" Rafe snapped.

Danny jumped slightly at Rafe's sharp tone, his shoulders hunching defensively. "I...I...well..." he stammered, trying to look at Rafe, but failing. "I didn't think..."

"You could have been killed!" Rafe yelled at him. "You were just fooling around. You don't fool around in a plane, Danny. You know that. Don't you listen to anything?"

"I listen," Danny protested, his head popping up to look at us. "I listen to everything you and Uncle Danny tell me."

"Obviously not," Rafe scoffed.

"I do!" Danny argued. "I know I'm not supposed to do stunts without one of you with me, but I did and I'm sorry," he said contritely, his eyes pleading for Rafe to soften a little bit. "But I've done them before and nothing ever happened."

Rafe crossed his arms forbiddingly across his chest. "Well, this time it did," he said nastily. "All it takes is one mistake and you're dead, Danny. If you can't take flying seriously....."

"I do take it seriously," Danny countered, his face beginning to redden. "I shouldn't've done the rolls, but it wasn't like I was trying to do an outside loop...or...or...dive bombing the barn! The plane stalled. I don't know why, but I recovered. I did just what you and Uncle Danny taught me to do...and I landed safely....I'm sorry...I...."

Rafe ran a hand roughly over his face. "You scared us to death. Me...Danny....your mother," his voice began to tremble. "I won't live through that again...I can't..." Rafe's voice broke. Danny looked at him, a confused expression on his face. He couldn't understand Rafe's sudden change in moods. But I did.

After a moment, Rafe collected himself and looked up at Danny, his eyes hard. "No more flying."

"But...Dad..." Danny sputtered. Rafe held up his hand to stop Danny from saying more.

"Don't argue with me Danny. I don't know how long or...if.… when you can fly again. You need to think about your actions...."

"But Dad!"

"Damn it Danny! Don't argue with me!" Rafe barked. "For now you are on extra chore duty. You go to school, you can play ball, and then you come home and see to your chores. I'll make a list of them for tomorrow." Rafe sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily. "Until then.… Just go. I don't want to see you."

"Dad..." Danny began hesitantly, glancing beseechingly at me, though I didn't know how to help him.

"Just go, Danny," Rafe said tiredly, not bothering to look up.

Silently Danny began walking away. I tried to smile at him, to let him know that I was relieved that he was okay. I was still too shaken by his close call and by how much it had affected Rafe. "Go see your mom," I told him, resting my hand on his shoulder briefly. "I think she needs to make sure you're really all right."

Danny nodded as he began to shuffle off. When he had just passed me he turned back. "I am sorry," he said softly. Glancing from me to Rafe's rigid back.

"I know," I replied. Smiling sheepishly, Danny turned and hurried to the house, where Evelyn enveloped him in a tight hug, his tall frame dwarfing hers as she clung to him. I watched as Kate and Grace hugged him in turn. When they finally retreated into the house, I turned my attention to Rafe. Gone was the rigid, angry man of moments before. Rafe stood with his head resting against the plane's fuselage, his arms hanging limply at his sides, seemingly drained of energy. I took a couple of steps towards him.

"We never should have taught him to fly," Rafe told me softly.

I understood why he would say such a thing, but I knew he didn't really believe it. "He's a natural. He would have learned whether we taught him or not," I replied softly.

Rafe turned to face me, his face a tortured mask. "Look Danny, I know you probably think that I....."

"I don't think anything, Rafe," I interrupted, not wanting Rafe to feel that he had to justify his actions to me. I knew what he was feeling, watching that plane in the air, and I saw how terrified he had been. He might have reacted harsher than I would have, but I understood why. He didn't need to explain it to me. "We were all scared watching Danny in that plane...and we all react...differently..."

Rafe shook his head. "I can't live through that again," he said softly. "It almost killed me...in...China. I can't lose Danny."

"He's a good pilot. Better than we were at the same age. He certainly has more flight time," I smiled weakly at Rafe, wanting desperately to lighten the situation somehow. Danny was safe, that was what was important to me. But I knew Rafe well, and he was more likely to dwell on the darker aspects of today. Not that I didn't believe that Danny should be punished...but, there was more to it than that. Danny didn't need Rafe to be in one of his dark moods, he needed Rafe to be calm...to explain things

"How can you be so goddamn calm about this," Rafe asked, his anger flaring momentarily. "He could have died today."

I ran a hand through my hair, watching Rafe carefully. "Calm? I don't feel calm at all. I feel sick...and worried...and damn proud that he was able to land that plane on his own. Think of all the stunts we did when we were his age...is he really any different than us?"

"He could have died!"

"He didn't," I countered. "We taught him well."

"He's just a kid," Rafe said, staring out into the fields, probably reliving Danny's harrowing minutes in the air once again.

"Yes, but he's a good one," I said.

"You just don't understand," Rafe continued. "To see him up there...with no power...he's my son...my only son," he whispered quietly.

"He's my son, too," I responded just as quietly, sorry to see the hurt in Rafe's eyes, but not willing to let him think that I thought any less of the situation because Danny didn't call me dad.

Rafe hung his head for a moment. "Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean..."

"It's okay, Rafe," I interrupted. "We both love him. We both want him safe. He's a good kid and a good pilot."

Rafe didn't respond.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked.

"Fine," he answered tonelessly.

"Rafe...." I tried again.

His head snapped up at me. "Look, Danny. Let me handle this okay. I'm fine. I will be fine. Just leave me alone for awhile, okay?"

"Sure, Rafe," I said, backing away, hoping that he would soon get over his fear and anger.

Unfortunately he didn't. Three weeks later and I was in the daunting position of not only explaining to Danny why his father was so upset, but also why he wasn't told who his real father was.