Chapter 9
We sat facing each other for a long minute. Danny's eyes never leaving my face as I cast about the room, trying to find some inspiration in the old plane parts and worn tools strewn about the corner of the hangar. The small window above us provided enough light for me to make out the determined look on Danny's face. He leaned forward in his chair, his arms resting on his knees as he waited for me to start talking.
"Where do you want me to start?" I finally asked, knowing that I couldn't avoid it any longer.
Danny shrugged. "At the beginning," he suggested. "I know that you and...Rafe," he faltered slightly, "met mom during your flight physicals. How did you two get together? Did you start dating then or at Pearl? How long did you date? When did she tell you about me? Why did you leave us?" The questions came rushing out, shocking us both, I guessed, watching as Danny's face flushed with embarrassment.
I sighed deeply. This wasn't going to be easy. How could I explain the twists and turns of life, love and friendship to an almost 15-year-old boy who had barely experienced them?
"Rafe and your mom started...dating...after our flight physicals," I told him. "They fell in love."
Danny stared at me silently for a moment, his face showing his surprise. I could tell that that wasn't what he had expected, even though we had always talked openly about Rafe and Evelyn's courtship whenever it came up over the years. Obviously, Danny had assumed that since I was his father...I had been the one to date Evelyn.
"When Rafe left to join the Eagle Squadron he asked me to be the one to tell her if anything happened to him," I continued.
"So you did," Danny guessed, surprising me with a sudden show of anger. "You told her and then you started dating your best friend's girl?!"
I was shocked at how quickly he had jumped to that conclusion. It was the truth...but not the way he assumed. I could hear the indignation at what he assumed was my slight of Rafe's memory, but I decided to ignore it. He was dealing with so much already, anger was expected. And it was good to hear him defending Rafe. "It wasn't that simple," I tried to explain. "I was the one to tell her. She was devastated. So was I. Rafe was the only family I had and Evelyn...well, he was her future, but he was dead. Or so we thought."
Danny scoffed at me. "So you just moved on in," he said, shaking his head. "Mom must not have loved him very much if she...."
"Watch it Danny," I warned him sharply. He could lash out at me all he wanted, but I wasn't about to let him insult his mother - even in misdirected anger. "You don't know the whole story and you will never fully understand what happened. I understand that you are angry and upset, but don't you ever - ever - be disrespectful of your mother. Do you understand me?" I asked, a hard edge to my voice.
I watched as some of his anger drained away, his face flushing slightly in embarrassment. It was rare that I raised my voice at any of my children, but when I did they knew I was serious. "Yes sir," he nodded, not meeting my eyes.
"Good," I replied, softening my tone. "Now, like I said," I continued. "I told your mother. We talked and cried and then I didn't see her for...awhile," I hedged, not wanting to give out too much information unless Danny asked for it. "We were basically avoiding each other because.… Well to see the other was to be reminded of Rafe and that just hurt too much. I spent a lot of time in the air or at Hickham doing maintenance. And Evelyn spent a lot of time working." I paused trying to think of what to say next; how to explain to him how things changed.
"When did you start...dating?" Danny asked. I could tell by the way that he was watching me, his head cocked to the side, that he was carefully cataloging and sorting everything I was saying, looking for patterns and loopholes.
"We met up at the movies one night - by accident," I told him. "We had both gone to see a show...a comedy, but the newsreels," I shook my head, not knowing how to explain how the images of those newsreels had brought back all the pain of losing Rafe. "We bumped into each other outside the theater and went out for coffee. For the first time I was able to talk about Rafe without it hurting." I sighed, unsure of how much more to say. "And things just progressed from there," I shrugged.
"When?" Danny asked.
"When what?" I asked back, though I knew exactly what he wanted.
"When did you guys have coffee?" he persisted.
I looked over at him, seeing the piercing look in his eyes. I felt my stomach tighten knowing that I couldn't avoid this question, even though it might hurt him to know. "You want a specific date?" I asked, skirting around the issue.
Danny shrugged. Though he acted as if the question didn't matter, I knew that if I were to avoid it, I would lose any trust he might still have in me.
"It was a Friday in October. A week or so before Halloween," I said, unable to contain a small sigh as I watched as Danny did the calculations in his head. "You were conceived a couple days later," I told him softly knowing that there was no point in hiding it from him.
He took a moment to digest the information, absently picking at the stuffing in the arm of his chair. "That was fast," he said bitterly, finally looking up at me. I could see his anger in the set of his chin as he stared at me. "You have coffee and then...Bam!...You're going to be parents? She couldn't have loved dad...Rafe...that much if..."
"Watch it Danny," I warned him again. "You're mother never stopped loving Rafe."
"That didn't stop her from sleeping with you!" he retorted hotly. "His best friend no less!"
I shook my head sadly, trying to find the right way to explain things without going into too much detail. "Danny, you're almost 15 years old," I started slowly. "You've never been in love, or lost a friend...I don't know how to explain to you what happened between your mother and I." I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "There was a lot going on in our lives and we both needed someone......"
"Did you love her?" Danny interrupted.
"Yes," I answered without hesitation.
Danny's eyes narrowed with uncommon perception for a boy his age. "Like you love Aunt Kate?" he asked.
I sat back heavily in my chair. "No," I admitted truthfully. "I loved your mother, but not the way I love Kate. Just like Evelyn loved me, but not the way she loves Rafe."
Danny sat there for a moment, his eyes focused on the wall behind me, his hands clenching the arms of the chair. "So what am I? Some kind of mistake?" he asked defensively, his eyes shifting to me and pining me with their intense gaze. "You guys start...." he waved his hand in the air, his face flushing hotly, "because you miss your friend and then oops...look what happened? You didn't even really love each other!" he declared, tears once again pooling in his eyes as he blinked furiously to keep them from falling.
"Yes we did," I told him.
Danny snorted in response. "I may only be 14 years old, but I know that it takes more than a week to fall in love," he said bitterly. "I'm a great big mistake," he whispered softly, hanging his head.
My heart broke hearing the pain in his voice. For him to think...it was too much. "No you are not," I told him harshly. "You were never a mistake."
Danny snorted bitterly, angrily wiping away a tear that had fallen against his will. "Oh sure, yeah. You meant to knock up your best friend's girl."
I paled slightly at his words, seeing the anger and confusion on his face that was making him lash out. I wanted to reassure him, but I didn't know how. All I knew was that I couldn't lie to him...I couldn't make everything into a grand romance. He deserved to know the truth.
"No, I didn't plan to...for anything to happen with Evelyn," I said softly, looking directly into Danny's eyes; wanting him to see that I wasn't holding anything back. "And you are right - I didn't love her the night we made love. I cared for her a great deal...she was a good friend, but I wasn't in love with her. The love came later, as we spent more time together. But you Danny," I smiled shakily. "While you were a...surprise...you were never unwanted. And even if Evelyn and I weren't...in love..." I fumbled for some way to help him understand. "You were conceived in love...our love, Evelyn's and mine....for Rafe. He is what brought us together."
I'd never thought of Danny's conception in those terms before, but I suddenly realized that it was the truth. He wasn't a product of our love for each other, but of our love of Rafe. It stunned me as I thought it over. Maybe that explained why things had developed the way they had. Why I had decided what I did, even though it had torn me apart. I meant the words to be soothing to Danny, to make him realize that he had always been loved, but he wasn't ready to calm down.
"So what?" he asked hotly. "Rafe comes back and you happily step aside and let him claim your....girlfriend...and your child? Cause you loved him so much?" he snorted derisively, lashing out at me again.
I tried not to react to his words, choosing only to see the pain in his eyes as he tried to come to grips with everything. "No, actually we fought," I told him honestly. "Rafe got drunk and we fought." I ran a hand through my hair, looking away from Danny's stare as I remembered that bitter night. Rafe and I had never fought so viciously before. And then to hear him say that things could never be the same again...he was the only family I had and those words had hurt me terribly. "The next day all hell broke loose and we were too busy trying to survive." I shrugged. "After the attack we were busy trying to get things back to normal...helping in the harbor and around the base. We barely saw Evelyn. She was swamped at the hospital with all the wounded. Just when things started to settle down, Rafe and I were shipped stateside."
Danny looked at me carefully. "You must have talked about it at some point. You must have....."
I shook my head. "No, we didn't. We were barely talking and I think neither of us wanted to...open that topic."
"What about mom?" he asked. "You must have seen her at some point. When did she tell you about....me?" He asked it softly, but I could see how important this question was to him.
I looked over at him sadly. "She never told me...I didn't know..."
"You didn't know?" he asked incredulously. "You mean you only found out when...when you came home from China?"
I could see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and I hated to do anything to dash it, but I couldn't lie. It might have been easier to believe that I had never known about him until I came home, but it wasn't true. "Rafe told me," I replied softly.
His mouth fell open in shock. "What? When?" he sputtered momentarily. "Why'd she tell Rafe and not you?"
"She didn't want me to be distracted," I offered lamely. "Before we left Pearl she went to talk to him," I continued. "I only found that out later...in China...and then she came to meet me at the plane." I could remember that day vividly. The weight of Rafe's hand on my shoulder before he boarded the plane, the tone of his voice when he said he'd see me there. I could feel the warm Hawaiian breeze and smell the floral scent of Evelyn's favorite perfume as she stood in front of me. And, now, I could recognize the hesitation in her eyes as she looked up at me...doing what she had decided was right. Sighing I looked up at Danny. "She told me that she would be waiting for me when I got back."
Danny looked over at me, a stunned expression slowly crossing his face as understanding dawned in his eyes. "If you would have come back...if you didn't get shot...you would have...married....mom?" he said slowly.
"Yes, I would have," I agreed solemnly.
Seeming to digest this new information, Danny continued on. "When did Rafe tell you about me?"
I cleared my throat uncomfortably, the pain of remembering that night still very close to the surface. "After I got shot," I said simply, my voice suddenly hoarse. "Rafe kept telling me I couldn't die...and then he told me why. I was going to be a father." I looked over at Danny, feeling the tears gathering in my eyes once more. "Hearing those words was more painful than the bullets that had ripped through my body - because I knew that I was dying...and I knew that I would never get to see you." My vision blurred momentarily as I remembered the total despair I had felt. "You had been given to me...and then taken away in an instant. It was more painful than...anything...I have ever felt." I swallowed convulsively, absently wiping away a lone tear. I looked up at Danny beseechingly, silently willing him to understand. "I knew that Rafe loved your mom, and that she loved him, so I did what I could to make sure he got home to Evelyn...and you. It meant pretending to be dead, but I was sure it was only a matter of time anyways. It was more important that he get home to take care of you. There isn't a man in this world who I would rather entrust my child to...than Rafe."
I watched Danny carefully as he tried to absorb this new information, a slight frown marring his forehead. "But when you came back......"
"That was three years later," I pointed out gently. "Rafe and Evelyn had been married for almost as long, and," I sighed, feeling no small amount of guilt, "Kate and I were expecting Sam."
Anger flared in his eyes again. "So you just forgot about us when you were in China?" he asked.
"No, I never forgot you," I said calmly. "In fact," I admitted, "there was a time when I wished that I had died, because then I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that my child was out there being raised by someone else - even Rafe - and that the odds were I would never get to see it...you." I paused drawing in a deep breath. It had been years since this had happened, but the pain had never faded, it had only been carefully covered up. "I didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl until you walked into the living room that first day I came home," I said shakily. Leaning forward, I looked over at Danny, my face serious. "It was you I mourned most, Danny," I told him hoarsely. "It was you I cried over. I came to realize that I wasn't in love with Evelyn. I loved her, yes," I hastily corrected, not wanting to give him the wrong impression again, "but not the way that Rafe did. I didn't feel the anger and jealousy at the idea of them being together as Rafe had when he found out about me and Evelyn."
"How could you be so sure?" he asked softly, his head cocked to the side as he tried to understand.
I sat back again. "Because I fell in love with Kate," I answered simply. "But you were never far from my mind...there wasn't a day that went by...that I didn't think of you," I tried to reassure him."
"Yeah, right," he replied derisively. "Couldn't stop thinking of me. Why didn't you...say anything...claim me...when you came home, then?"
I stared off over Danny's shoulder, unable to meet his eyes. I wasn't entirely certain why I made the decision I did. At the time it had made sense - and it still did. Some of my reasons still held true, and if I had to do it all over again...I probably would do the same thing, but that didn't make it any easier. I had made my decision before I had even left China and I had stuck to it. It hadn't been easy to watch Rafe raise my son. He was a good father, but...it wasn't the same. I had my own family to raise...Grace, Sam, Josh...but it hadn't been easy watching Danny grow up from a distance. It was a decision I had made, though I regretted it often, but I had stood by it. How could I ever get Danny to understand?
"The first time I saw you," I began, clearing my throat briefly, my eyes still focused on the wall behind him, "you had just woken up from a nap. You were wearing a pair of overalls and a red shirt, trailing your green blanket behind you. You weren't wearing socks," I smiled briefly as I remembered the tiny little boy that he had once been. I looked back at him. "You walked into the room, and you looked at me with these big eyes...unsure of who I was. You were the most...wonderful thing I had ever seen..." I told him honestly. "After a moment," I continued, "You walked over to Rafe, never taking your eyes off me. You tugged on his pant leg and he picked you up. He was your father, Danny," I told him. "He was the one you called daddy. He was the one you went to for protection. You buried your face in his shirt and didn't even look at me..."
"I was three!" Danny interrupted. "How was I supposed to know! It wouldn't have mattered in the long run if you would have told me the truth then."
"It wouldn't have mattered?" I asked him, my eyebrow rose in question. I knew he was upset, but it wasn't like I had made this decision without any forethought. I had my reasons. "There was still a lot of...tension...between Rafe and I when I finally came back. He was relieved that I was alive and home safe, but...." I sighed, unsure how to go on. "It's complicated."
"How?" Danny persisted, crossing his arms and sitting back, staring at me while he waited.
"What do you think your life would have been like if I had come back and .. and ...stepped in?" I asked. "Kate and I didn't move back here permanently until you were eight. Would you have spent those years shuttling between me and your mom, never having a real home? Or would you have spent it with your mom and Rafe...a man who loved you, but wasn't your father...while I...was away and never home with you? And when I was home..." I shook my head, "things would have been different. Stressful. I don't think things...would have been...the same," I ended lamely.
"What's the difference?" Danny asked belligerently, his arms still crossed.
"The difference is," I responded patiently, "you spent those years happily with Rafe as your father - helping him, learning from him, being his son. You didn't have to wonder if you were loved or wanted, or whether you were accepted. You had one father. You didn't have to feel torn between the two of us...wondering who to love or...."
"Like I am now?" Danny asked angrily.
"Do you?" I asked him. "Do you really wonder if you are loved...by me or by Rafe? Do you really believe that Rafe was a...unsuitable father...that he didn't love you and care for you as a father should? Do you Danny?" I pressed when he remained silent.
He stared sullenly off into the distance. "I guess not," he finally choked out. "But I still don't understand why."
"It wasn't an easy decision to make," I told him. "I had lots of time to think about it while I was in China...before Kate and I..." I paused awkwardly.
Danny shook his head, standing up abruptly at the mention of Kate. "Stop, just stop. I've heard enough....I can't.....I've got to go," he said hoarsely, turning away from me.
"Okay." I stood up, too.
He took a few steps away from me and then stopped. His shoulders hunched. Slowly he turned back around, his face now streaked with tears. "You know, no matter what you say...it all comes down to one thing - you loved him, more than you loved me."
I couldn't speak for a moment so shocked was I by his words. "Danny...no..." I began. "I love you. You're my...son. Rafe's like my brother, but you.....I'd die for you, both of you. But, the decision I made...I made so that you could grow up in peace, in a loving family. I didn't want to see you torn between me and Evelyn...never fully a part of either family. Another object for small town gossipers."
He looked away from me briefly, his breathing shallow. Absently he rubbed his hands on his pants. When he had managed to get some control over himself he looked me steadily in the eye, the tears no longer falling, though I could see them pooling in his eyes. "You did it for Rafe...to make him happy...to settle the score. You messed around with his girlfriend while he was...presumed...dead, and so as penance you offer up you first born son..."
His words cut through me like a knife. For a moment I couldn't find my voice as I struggled to find the words to counter his assumption. "Danny, I did what I thought was best for you...for all of us, but especially you."
He shook his head briefly. "I...I gotta go," he turned around again, walking quickly to get out of the hangar.
"Danny," I called to his retreating back. "I'm here...if...when...you want to talk."
He glanced back briefly at me and nodded, his face wet with tears. My heart tightened painfully at the sight, his nod giving me hope that he might be willing to talk to me again eventually. I prayed that everything between us hadn't been totally damaged by the day's revelations.
I watched him blindly stumble into Rafe at the entrance. The sun was still bright and they weren't in the shadows. I could see Rafe's concerned expression as he reached a hand out to steady Danny. He said something, and an odd looked crossed Danny's face. I could see his mouth open and close, but no sound came. Quickly shaking off Rafe's hand, he jogged away. Rafe watch him bewilderingly for a moment, but he didn't follow. I knew he wouldn't. He'd want to talk to me first to find out what was wrong. I sat back down heavily, waiting for Rafe to come in, my heart pounding loudly in my chest as I tried to think of what to tell him. I sat with my elbows on my knees, my hands covering my face.
"Hey," he said as he sat down across from me. "I just saw Danny and he looked...." he trailed off as I lifted my head. I must have looked bad too. I felt pale and drawn, my eyes sore from the tears I had been holding back.
"He knows," I blurted out. "Grace wasn't writing a history paper about Pearl Harbor...she was...investigating...us. You, me, and Evelyn," I said meaningfully. "He knows."
Rafe stared at me blankly for a few moments before the meaning behind my words finally sank in. "Oh, god," he whispered, his face etched with fear.
End 9/? - but that's all I have written so far.....please be very, very patient...Life has gotten difficult lately and I don't have much time to write. :(
We sat facing each other for a long minute. Danny's eyes never leaving my face as I cast about the room, trying to find some inspiration in the old plane parts and worn tools strewn about the corner of the hangar. The small window above us provided enough light for me to make out the determined look on Danny's face. He leaned forward in his chair, his arms resting on his knees as he waited for me to start talking.
"Where do you want me to start?" I finally asked, knowing that I couldn't avoid it any longer.
Danny shrugged. "At the beginning," he suggested. "I know that you and...Rafe," he faltered slightly, "met mom during your flight physicals. How did you two get together? Did you start dating then or at Pearl? How long did you date? When did she tell you about me? Why did you leave us?" The questions came rushing out, shocking us both, I guessed, watching as Danny's face flushed with embarrassment.
I sighed deeply. This wasn't going to be easy. How could I explain the twists and turns of life, love and friendship to an almost 15-year-old boy who had barely experienced them?
"Rafe and your mom started...dating...after our flight physicals," I told him. "They fell in love."
Danny stared at me silently for a moment, his face showing his surprise. I could tell that that wasn't what he had expected, even though we had always talked openly about Rafe and Evelyn's courtship whenever it came up over the years. Obviously, Danny had assumed that since I was his father...I had been the one to date Evelyn.
"When Rafe left to join the Eagle Squadron he asked me to be the one to tell her if anything happened to him," I continued.
"So you did," Danny guessed, surprising me with a sudden show of anger. "You told her and then you started dating your best friend's girl?!"
I was shocked at how quickly he had jumped to that conclusion. It was the truth...but not the way he assumed. I could hear the indignation at what he assumed was my slight of Rafe's memory, but I decided to ignore it. He was dealing with so much already, anger was expected. And it was good to hear him defending Rafe. "It wasn't that simple," I tried to explain. "I was the one to tell her. She was devastated. So was I. Rafe was the only family I had and Evelyn...well, he was her future, but he was dead. Or so we thought."
Danny scoffed at me. "So you just moved on in," he said, shaking his head. "Mom must not have loved him very much if she...."
"Watch it Danny," I warned him sharply. He could lash out at me all he wanted, but I wasn't about to let him insult his mother - even in misdirected anger. "You don't know the whole story and you will never fully understand what happened. I understand that you are angry and upset, but don't you ever - ever - be disrespectful of your mother. Do you understand me?" I asked, a hard edge to my voice.
I watched as some of his anger drained away, his face flushing slightly in embarrassment. It was rare that I raised my voice at any of my children, but when I did they knew I was serious. "Yes sir," he nodded, not meeting my eyes.
"Good," I replied, softening my tone. "Now, like I said," I continued. "I told your mother. We talked and cried and then I didn't see her for...awhile," I hedged, not wanting to give out too much information unless Danny asked for it. "We were basically avoiding each other because.… Well to see the other was to be reminded of Rafe and that just hurt too much. I spent a lot of time in the air or at Hickham doing maintenance. And Evelyn spent a lot of time working." I paused trying to think of what to say next; how to explain to him how things changed.
"When did you start...dating?" Danny asked. I could tell by the way that he was watching me, his head cocked to the side, that he was carefully cataloging and sorting everything I was saying, looking for patterns and loopholes.
"We met up at the movies one night - by accident," I told him. "We had both gone to see a show...a comedy, but the newsreels," I shook my head, not knowing how to explain how the images of those newsreels had brought back all the pain of losing Rafe. "We bumped into each other outside the theater and went out for coffee. For the first time I was able to talk about Rafe without it hurting." I sighed, unsure of how much more to say. "And things just progressed from there," I shrugged.
"When?" Danny asked.
"When what?" I asked back, though I knew exactly what he wanted.
"When did you guys have coffee?" he persisted.
I looked over at him, seeing the piercing look in his eyes. I felt my stomach tighten knowing that I couldn't avoid this question, even though it might hurt him to know. "You want a specific date?" I asked, skirting around the issue.
Danny shrugged. Though he acted as if the question didn't matter, I knew that if I were to avoid it, I would lose any trust he might still have in me.
"It was a Friday in October. A week or so before Halloween," I said, unable to contain a small sigh as I watched as Danny did the calculations in his head. "You were conceived a couple days later," I told him softly knowing that there was no point in hiding it from him.
He took a moment to digest the information, absently picking at the stuffing in the arm of his chair. "That was fast," he said bitterly, finally looking up at me. I could see his anger in the set of his chin as he stared at me. "You have coffee and then...Bam!...You're going to be parents? She couldn't have loved dad...Rafe...that much if..."
"Watch it Danny," I warned him again. "You're mother never stopped loving Rafe."
"That didn't stop her from sleeping with you!" he retorted hotly. "His best friend no less!"
I shook my head sadly, trying to find the right way to explain things without going into too much detail. "Danny, you're almost 15 years old," I started slowly. "You've never been in love, or lost a friend...I don't know how to explain to you what happened between your mother and I." I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "There was a lot going on in our lives and we both needed someone......"
"Did you love her?" Danny interrupted.
"Yes," I answered without hesitation.
Danny's eyes narrowed with uncommon perception for a boy his age. "Like you love Aunt Kate?" he asked.
I sat back heavily in my chair. "No," I admitted truthfully. "I loved your mother, but not the way I love Kate. Just like Evelyn loved me, but not the way she loves Rafe."
Danny sat there for a moment, his eyes focused on the wall behind me, his hands clenching the arms of the chair. "So what am I? Some kind of mistake?" he asked defensively, his eyes shifting to me and pining me with their intense gaze. "You guys start...." he waved his hand in the air, his face flushing hotly, "because you miss your friend and then oops...look what happened? You didn't even really love each other!" he declared, tears once again pooling in his eyes as he blinked furiously to keep them from falling.
"Yes we did," I told him.
Danny snorted in response. "I may only be 14 years old, but I know that it takes more than a week to fall in love," he said bitterly. "I'm a great big mistake," he whispered softly, hanging his head.
My heart broke hearing the pain in his voice. For him to think...it was too much. "No you are not," I told him harshly. "You were never a mistake."
Danny snorted bitterly, angrily wiping away a tear that had fallen against his will. "Oh sure, yeah. You meant to knock up your best friend's girl."
I paled slightly at his words, seeing the anger and confusion on his face that was making him lash out. I wanted to reassure him, but I didn't know how. All I knew was that I couldn't lie to him...I couldn't make everything into a grand romance. He deserved to know the truth.
"No, I didn't plan to...for anything to happen with Evelyn," I said softly, looking directly into Danny's eyes; wanting him to see that I wasn't holding anything back. "And you are right - I didn't love her the night we made love. I cared for her a great deal...she was a good friend, but I wasn't in love with her. The love came later, as we spent more time together. But you Danny," I smiled shakily. "While you were a...surprise...you were never unwanted. And even if Evelyn and I weren't...in love..." I fumbled for some way to help him understand. "You were conceived in love...our love, Evelyn's and mine....for Rafe. He is what brought us together."
I'd never thought of Danny's conception in those terms before, but I suddenly realized that it was the truth. He wasn't a product of our love for each other, but of our love of Rafe. It stunned me as I thought it over. Maybe that explained why things had developed the way they had. Why I had decided what I did, even though it had torn me apart. I meant the words to be soothing to Danny, to make him realize that he had always been loved, but he wasn't ready to calm down.
"So what?" he asked hotly. "Rafe comes back and you happily step aside and let him claim your....girlfriend...and your child? Cause you loved him so much?" he snorted derisively, lashing out at me again.
I tried not to react to his words, choosing only to see the pain in his eyes as he tried to come to grips with everything. "No, actually we fought," I told him honestly. "Rafe got drunk and we fought." I ran a hand through my hair, looking away from Danny's stare as I remembered that bitter night. Rafe and I had never fought so viciously before. And then to hear him say that things could never be the same again...he was the only family I had and those words had hurt me terribly. "The next day all hell broke loose and we were too busy trying to survive." I shrugged. "After the attack we were busy trying to get things back to normal...helping in the harbor and around the base. We barely saw Evelyn. She was swamped at the hospital with all the wounded. Just when things started to settle down, Rafe and I were shipped stateside."
Danny looked at me carefully. "You must have talked about it at some point. You must have....."
I shook my head. "No, we didn't. We were barely talking and I think neither of us wanted to...open that topic."
"What about mom?" he asked. "You must have seen her at some point. When did she tell you about....me?" He asked it softly, but I could see how important this question was to him.
I looked over at him sadly. "She never told me...I didn't know..."
"You didn't know?" he asked incredulously. "You mean you only found out when...when you came home from China?"
I could see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and I hated to do anything to dash it, but I couldn't lie. It might have been easier to believe that I had never known about him until I came home, but it wasn't true. "Rafe told me," I replied softly.
His mouth fell open in shock. "What? When?" he sputtered momentarily. "Why'd she tell Rafe and not you?"
"She didn't want me to be distracted," I offered lamely. "Before we left Pearl she went to talk to him," I continued. "I only found that out later...in China...and then she came to meet me at the plane." I could remember that day vividly. The weight of Rafe's hand on my shoulder before he boarded the plane, the tone of his voice when he said he'd see me there. I could feel the warm Hawaiian breeze and smell the floral scent of Evelyn's favorite perfume as she stood in front of me. And, now, I could recognize the hesitation in her eyes as she looked up at me...doing what she had decided was right. Sighing I looked up at Danny. "She told me that she would be waiting for me when I got back."
Danny looked over at me, a stunned expression slowly crossing his face as understanding dawned in his eyes. "If you would have come back...if you didn't get shot...you would have...married....mom?" he said slowly.
"Yes, I would have," I agreed solemnly.
Seeming to digest this new information, Danny continued on. "When did Rafe tell you about me?"
I cleared my throat uncomfortably, the pain of remembering that night still very close to the surface. "After I got shot," I said simply, my voice suddenly hoarse. "Rafe kept telling me I couldn't die...and then he told me why. I was going to be a father." I looked over at Danny, feeling the tears gathering in my eyes once more. "Hearing those words was more painful than the bullets that had ripped through my body - because I knew that I was dying...and I knew that I would never get to see you." My vision blurred momentarily as I remembered the total despair I had felt. "You had been given to me...and then taken away in an instant. It was more painful than...anything...I have ever felt." I swallowed convulsively, absently wiping away a lone tear. I looked up at Danny beseechingly, silently willing him to understand. "I knew that Rafe loved your mom, and that she loved him, so I did what I could to make sure he got home to Evelyn...and you. It meant pretending to be dead, but I was sure it was only a matter of time anyways. It was more important that he get home to take care of you. There isn't a man in this world who I would rather entrust my child to...than Rafe."
I watched Danny carefully as he tried to absorb this new information, a slight frown marring his forehead. "But when you came back......"
"That was three years later," I pointed out gently. "Rafe and Evelyn had been married for almost as long, and," I sighed, feeling no small amount of guilt, "Kate and I were expecting Sam."
Anger flared in his eyes again. "So you just forgot about us when you were in China?" he asked.
"No, I never forgot you," I said calmly. "In fact," I admitted, "there was a time when I wished that I had died, because then I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that my child was out there being raised by someone else - even Rafe - and that the odds were I would never get to see it...you." I paused drawing in a deep breath. It had been years since this had happened, but the pain had never faded, it had only been carefully covered up. "I didn't even know if you were a boy or a girl until you walked into the living room that first day I came home," I said shakily. Leaning forward, I looked over at Danny, my face serious. "It was you I mourned most, Danny," I told him hoarsely. "It was you I cried over. I came to realize that I wasn't in love with Evelyn. I loved her, yes," I hastily corrected, not wanting to give him the wrong impression again, "but not the way that Rafe did. I didn't feel the anger and jealousy at the idea of them being together as Rafe had when he found out about me and Evelyn."
"How could you be so sure?" he asked softly, his head cocked to the side as he tried to understand.
I sat back again. "Because I fell in love with Kate," I answered simply. "But you were never far from my mind...there wasn't a day that went by...that I didn't think of you," I tried to reassure him."
"Yeah, right," he replied derisively. "Couldn't stop thinking of me. Why didn't you...say anything...claim me...when you came home, then?"
I stared off over Danny's shoulder, unable to meet his eyes. I wasn't entirely certain why I made the decision I did. At the time it had made sense - and it still did. Some of my reasons still held true, and if I had to do it all over again...I probably would do the same thing, but that didn't make it any easier. I had made my decision before I had even left China and I had stuck to it. It hadn't been easy to watch Rafe raise my son. He was a good father, but...it wasn't the same. I had my own family to raise...Grace, Sam, Josh...but it hadn't been easy watching Danny grow up from a distance. It was a decision I had made, though I regretted it often, but I had stood by it. How could I ever get Danny to understand?
"The first time I saw you," I began, clearing my throat briefly, my eyes still focused on the wall behind him, "you had just woken up from a nap. You were wearing a pair of overalls and a red shirt, trailing your green blanket behind you. You weren't wearing socks," I smiled briefly as I remembered the tiny little boy that he had once been. I looked back at him. "You walked into the room, and you looked at me with these big eyes...unsure of who I was. You were the most...wonderful thing I had ever seen..." I told him honestly. "After a moment," I continued, "You walked over to Rafe, never taking your eyes off me. You tugged on his pant leg and he picked you up. He was your father, Danny," I told him. "He was the one you called daddy. He was the one you went to for protection. You buried your face in his shirt and didn't even look at me..."
"I was three!" Danny interrupted. "How was I supposed to know! It wouldn't have mattered in the long run if you would have told me the truth then."
"It wouldn't have mattered?" I asked him, my eyebrow rose in question. I knew he was upset, but it wasn't like I had made this decision without any forethought. I had my reasons. "There was still a lot of...tension...between Rafe and I when I finally came back. He was relieved that I was alive and home safe, but...." I sighed, unsure how to go on. "It's complicated."
"How?" Danny persisted, crossing his arms and sitting back, staring at me while he waited.
"What do you think your life would have been like if I had come back and .. and ...stepped in?" I asked. "Kate and I didn't move back here permanently until you were eight. Would you have spent those years shuttling between me and your mom, never having a real home? Or would you have spent it with your mom and Rafe...a man who loved you, but wasn't your father...while I...was away and never home with you? And when I was home..." I shook my head, "things would have been different. Stressful. I don't think things...would have been...the same," I ended lamely.
"What's the difference?" Danny asked belligerently, his arms still crossed.
"The difference is," I responded patiently, "you spent those years happily with Rafe as your father - helping him, learning from him, being his son. You didn't have to wonder if you were loved or wanted, or whether you were accepted. You had one father. You didn't have to feel torn between the two of us...wondering who to love or...."
"Like I am now?" Danny asked angrily.
"Do you?" I asked him. "Do you really wonder if you are loved...by me or by Rafe? Do you really believe that Rafe was a...unsuitable father...that he didn't love you and care for you as a father should? Do you Danny?" I pressed when he remained silent.
He stared sullenly off into the distance. "I guess not," he finally choked out. "But I still don't understand why."
"It wasn't an easy decision to make," I told him. "I had lots of time to think about it while I was in China...before Kate and I..." I paused awkwardly.
Danny shook his head, standing up abruptly at the mention of Kate. "Stop, just stop. I've heard enough....I can't.....I've got to go," he said hoarsely, turning away from me.
"Okay." I stood up, too.
He took a few steps away from me and then stopped. His shoulders hunched. Slowly he turned back around, his face now streaked with tears. "You know, no matter what you say...it all comes down to one thing - you loved him, more than you loved me."
I couldn't speak for a moment so shocked was I by his words. "Danny...no..." I began. "I love you. You're my...son. Rafe's like my brother, but you.....I'd die for you, both of you. But, the decision I made...I made so that you could grow up in peace, in a loving family. I didn't want to see you torn between me and Evelyn...never fully a part of either family. Another object for small town gossipers."
He looked away from me briefly, his breathing shallow. Absently he rubbed his hands on his pants. When he had managed to get some control over himself he looked me steadily in the eye, the tears no longer falling, though I could see them pooling in his eyes. "You did it for Rafe...to make him happy...to settle the score. You messed around with his girlfriend while he was...presumed...dead, and so as penance you offer up you first born son..."
His words cut through me like a knife. For a moment I couldn't find my voice as I struggled to find the words to counter his assumption. "Danny, I did what I thought was best for you...for all of us, but especially you."
He shook his head briefly. "I...I gotta go," he turned around again, walking quickly to get out of the hangar.
"Danny," I called to his retreating back. "I'm here...if...when...you want to talk."
He glanced back briefly at me and nodded, his face wet with tears. My heart tightened painfully at the sight, his nod giving me hope that he might be willing to talk to me again eventually. I prayed that everything between us hadn't been totally damaged by the day's revelations.
I watched him blindly stumble into Rafe at the entrance. The sun was still bright and they weren't in the shadows. I could see Rafe's concerned expression as he reached a hand out to steady Danny. He said something, and an odd looked crossed Danny's face. I could see his mouth open and close, but no sound came. Quickly shaking off Rafe's hand, he jogged away. Rafe watch him bewilderingly for a moment, but he didn't follow. I knew he wouldn't. He'd want to talk to me first to find out what was wrong. I sat back down heavily, waiting for Rafe to come in, my heart pounding loudly in my chest as I tried to think of what to tell him. I sat with my elbows on my knees, my hands covering my face.
"Hey," he said as he sat down across from me. "I just saw Danny and he looked...." he trailed off as I lifted my head. I must have looked bad too. I felt pale and drawn, my eyes sore from the tears I had been holding back.
"He knows," I blurted out. "Grace wasn't writing a history paper about Pearl Harbor...she was...investigating...us. You, me, and Evelyn," I said meaningfully. "He knows."
Rafe stared at me blankly for a few moments before the meaning behind my words finally sank in. "Oh, god," he whispered, his face etched with fear.
End 9/? - but that's all I have written so far.....please be very, very patient...Life has gotten difficult lately and I don't have much time to write. :(
