Author's Notes: Hi, everyone. Thank you, kayladie, Jade the Sith, and
Lady Evenstar, for your wonderful reviews. They're so encouraging. I've
done a lot of thinking about what Luke and Anakin's relationship would have
been like if Anakin had survived, and I do think they would be close, but
still would have to work some things out. I just don't think that Luke
could get over such a traumatic experience like Bespin unscathed
emotionally. I'm so happy you approve of my portrayal.
Okay, on with Chapter 14. Be warned-lots of father/son mush in here.
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns SW. I write for fun, not money.
The Lost Ones Part 14
Bespin.
Luke found it surprisingly easy to locate the carbon-freezing chamber. He let the Force lead him through the passages of Cloud City until he came to one that seemed familiar. He followed it to the end and there it was- the chamber where Leia had watched Han be encased in carbonite, where he had begun the ill-fated duel with his father.
He hesitated at the doorway, then stepped in and looked about. It was just a large, dimly lit room with a carbon-freezing unit. There was no sign of the terror and tragedy that had once played out here.
The tall staircase lay ahead, and Luke slowly walked up them, remembering how he had climbed them before to face an imposing, dark spector at the top. He sighed, thinking of how he had been the aggressor then. //That was a mistake. The Force should only be used for defense, never attacking..// For a moment, he wondered how things might have been different if he had waited, let his father make the first move. Or if Vader had disclosed the truth of their kinship at the beginning. Or if Ben and Yoda had told him, and he'd already known. Could everything still have worked out for the best? Or would he himself have turned to darkness?
Luke shook his head. Whatever might have been didn't matter now. It was useless to speculate. He thought about how the duel had begun. He had been so brash and impetuous then. How Vader must have held him in contempt! //But I learned . Too quickly.// Luke went back down the stairs and wandered to a maintenance and control room. The room where his father had really begun to demonstrate his domination.
Everything seemed to be back in place. There were no large pieces of equipment lying about. The great circular window had been repaired. Tears blurred Luke's vision as he thought of how his father had beaten and bloodied him here. And it had only gotten worse. He went to the window and looked out. //I crashed through and fell to the gantry. What if I had fallen all the way then? Would Father have stopped me? Probably, he couldn't lure me to the dark side if I were dead. But he didn't mind placing me in danger. Most parents would die themselves before letting any harm come to their children. Why was he different then?//
Because he had been on the dark side. Luke knew that, but realized that maybe he didn't fully understand. He was expecting his father to have shown some sort of caring for him even then. But relationships were different on the dark side. //Still, was not killing me the best he could do?//
Luke rested his forehead against the cool glass of a window pane. He decided to try to find a way to the gantry. He'd come this far. He might as well see that, too.
He found a turbolift and went down. It opened onto a narrow catwalk that led to the gantry. Luke made his way to the end of the walkway and stared at the spot where he had lost his hand to his father. Where Vader had told him the truth that would change his life forever. Where he had first chosen to risk death rather than turn to the darkness that had consumed his father.
He remembered the agony of the lightsaber slicing through his wrist, the terrible scent of burned flesh. And his father gazing at him dispassionately from behind black sockets, not caring how he had maimed and destroyed his son. Luke slid to the floor. He rested his head on his knees and wept.
Suddenly, Anakin was there. He knelt in front of Luke and reached to embrace him, then paused, unsure if Luke would welcome his touch now. "I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling his own heart break at the sight of his son's tears.
Luke looked beyond him to the gantry. "Why?" he choked.
Anakin understood that Luke was asking about the past. He, too, looked at the gantry, then, with a shudder, he looked back at Luke. How could he ever explain his actions? They were incomprehensible to him now as well. He could remember what he had been thinking and feeling, but he could no longer understand how he could have been so brutal, so unfeeling. But Luke deserved an answer.
"I wanted you with me," he said simply. "At the time, I thought the only way that could happen would be if you turned to the dark side. I did everything possible to make you angry and afraid." Anakin's throat constricted and tears spilled down his cheeks. "I hurt you," he whispered. "Because I wanted to stop the fight, and I wanted to turn you to the dark side. I know how inexcusable that sounds. And it is. I mean, I can never give you a reason that would make my behavior here justifiable. It wasn't."
For a few moments they wept quietly. Then Anakin gathered his courage and though he was almost afraid to hear the answer, he asked in a hoarse voice, "Can you still forgive me?"
Even through his tears, Luke looked surprised. "I already forgave you," he said. His voice caught and he began sobbing again.
"Can I hold you?" Anakin whispered.
For answer, Luke moved into his arms and rested his head on his father's shoulder. Anakin hugged him close and buried his face against the top of his son's head, his tears falling on Luke's fair hair. He sent the love and fierce protectiveness he now felt across their mind-link, hoping it would be some comfort to his son, and felt a small thrill in the midst of his anguish as he realized that Luke had dropped the shields that had blocked him these past weeks.
Anakin tentatively reached out again through the link, offering to help bear the burden of the past. This time Luke let him see the memories and, hurtful as it was for both of them, somehow sharing the experience and feeling the love and comfort that flowed between them now eased the pain. Healing tears fell freely, and father and son clung to one another for a long time.
After a while, when the tide of memories began to ebb, Anakin asked softly, "Is this what's been bothering you, son?"
Luke nodded without raising his head from his father's shoulder. Wordlessly he showed Anakin the events from Nar Shaddaa to the present that had brought the past back to him so vividly.
/Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you then./ Anakin sent as he ran his fingers through his son's hair and rested his cheek against the top of Luke's head.
/I didn't want to hurt you./
/It hurts me even more to think about you suffering all alone, Luke. Promise me you won't ever shut me out again./
Luke nodded again. /I won't./
/Because traumatic events are not easy to get over. I probably know that better than anyone. If anything starts to upset you again, I want you to come to me. Even if it's about me. Especially if it's about me. If I can help you, then I feel just a little better, too. Okay?/ Anakin leaned back enough to gaze deeply into Luke's eyes, though he still kept his arms around him.
His heart lifted when Luke gave him a small smile. /Okay./
Anakin pulled him close once more and held Luke to his heart. /My poor baby. I'm so sorry. I'd give anything if I could only go back in time and change things./
/I know, Father./ Luke leaned against him a few minutes more, feeling more at peace than he had in a long while. /I love you./
/And I love you, son./ Anakin kissed his forehead.
Finally Luke looked up and said aloud, "Let's go back to the Angel now, Father."
Anakin helped him to his feet and kept an arm around his shoulders as they made their way through Cloud City to their ship. Indeed, Anakin tended to him almost as if he were a little boy the rest of the day. He guided Luke to the sofa in the lounge and tucked a blanket around him. He flipped through holonet channels until he found Luke's favorite show and then fixed them both steaming bowls of soup. He brought their meal into the lounge and hesitated before handing Luke a bowl and spoon.
Luke raised his eyebrows and grinned, "You know, Father, I can feed myself. I walk and dress myself, too. And a few years ago, I even learned to talk."
"Smart alec." But Anakin grinned back, pleased to see that Luke was recovering his cheerful personality.
They called Coruscant and spoke to Leia, reassuring her that everything was all right now, then spent a quiet evening sitting side by side on the sofa, watching the holonet and not saying much, but it was a comfortable silence. Luke leaned against his father, and Anakin had an arm around him the whole time.
Luke could feel himself growing drowsy when a thought occurred to him and he mumbled, "We didn't check the records today."
"We'll do it tomorrow," Anakin replied easily.
Luke reached to take his father's hand. "Together," he promised.
Anakin smiled and with his other hand, he smoothed Luke's hair. "Yes, together," he agreed softly. "Rest now, son. I'm here."
They fell asleep like that. Anakin briefly considered getting Luke up and each of them going to their own rooms, but he just didn't want to be apart from his son anymore. They had nearly lost one another so many times before, and this last time had been particularly disturbing to Anakin. But it was all right now, he reflected as he stroked Luke's hair once more. Obi-Wan had been right. They were closer and stronger than before, and he felt that never again would they face a problem like this. The past could well come back to trouble them, and it probably would. Anakin realized the truth of his earlier words. Traumatic events often came back to haunt people. But at least now he and Luke knew they could work through it together.
TBC
Okay, on with Chapter 14. Be warned-lots of father/son mush in here.
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns SW. I write for fun, not money.
The Lost Ones Part 14
Bespin.
Luke found it surprisingly easy to locate the carbon-freezing chamber. He let the Force lead him through the passages of Cloud City until he came to one that seemed familiar. He followed it to the end and there it was- the chamber where Leia had watched Han be encased in carbonite, where he had begun the ill-fated duel with his father.
He hesitated at the doorway, then stepped in and looked about. It was just a large, dimly lit room with a carbon-freezing unit. There was no sign of the terror and tragedy that had once played out here.
The tall staircase lay ahead, and Luke slowly walked up them, remembering how he had climbed them before to face an imposing, dark spector at the top. He sighed, thinking of how he had been the aggressor then. //That was a mistake. The Force should only be used for defense, never attacking..// For a moment, he wondered how things might have been different if he had waited, let his father make the first move. Or if Vader had disclosed the truth of their kinship at the beginning. Or if Ben and Yoda had told him, and he'd already known. Could everything still have worked out for the best? Or would he himself have turned to darkness?
Luke shook his head. Whatever might have been didn't matter now. It was useless to speculate. He thought about how the duel had begun. He had been so brash and impetuous then. How Vader must have held him in contempt! //But I learned . Too quickly.// Luke went back down the stairs and wandered to a maintenance and control room. The room where his father had really begun to demonstrate his domination.
Everything seemed to be back in place. There were no large pieces of equipment lying about. The great circular window had been repaired. Tears blurred Luke's vision as he thought of how his father had beaten and bloodied him here. And it had only gotten worse. He went to the window and looked out. //I crashed through and fell to the gantry. What if I had fallen all the way then? Would Father have stopped me? Probably, he couldn't lure me to the dark side if I were dead. But he didn't mind placing me in danger. Most parents would die themselves before letting any harm come to their children. Why was he different then?//
Because he had been on the dark side. Luke knew that, but realized that maybe he didn't fully understand. He was expecting his father to have shown some sort of caring for him even then. But relationships were different on the dark side. //Still, was not killing me the best he could do?//
Luke rested his forehead against the cool glass of a window pane. He decided to try to find a way to the gantry. He'd come this far. He might as well see that, too.
He found a turbolift and went down. It opened onto a narrow catwalk that led to the gantry. Luke made his way to the end of the walkway and stared at the spot where he had lost his hand to his father. Where Vader had told him the truth that would change his life forever. Where he had first chosen to risk death rather than turn to the darkness that had consumed his father.
He remembered the agony of the lightsaber slicing through his wrist, the terrible scent of burned flesh. And his father gazing at him dispassionately from behind black sockets, not caring how he had maimed and destroyed his son. Luke slid to the floor. He rested his head on his knees and wept.
Suddenly, Anakin was there. He knelt in front of Luke and reached to embrace him, then paused, unsure if Luke would welcome his touch now. "I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling his own heart break at the sight of his son's tears.
Luke looked beyond him to the gantry. "Why?" he choked.
Anakin understood that Luke was asking about the past. He, too, looked at the gantry, then, with a shudder, he looked back at Luke. How could he ever explain his actions? They were incomprehensible to him now as well. He could remember what he had been thinking and feeling, but he could no longer understand how he could have been so brutal, so unfeeling. But Luke deserved an answer.
"I wanted you with me," he said simply. "At the time, I thought the only way that could happen would be if you turned to the dark side. I did everything possible to make you angry and afraid." Anakin's throat constricted and tears spilled down his cheeks. "I hurt you," he whispered. "Because I wanted to stop the fight, and I wanted to turn you to the dark side. I know how inexcusable that sounds. And it is. I mean, I can never give you a reason that would make my behavior here justifiable. It wasn't."
For a few moments they wept quietly. Then Anakin gathered his courage and though he was almost afraid to hear the answer, he asked in a hoarse voice, "Can you still forgive me?"
Even through his tears, Luke looked surprised. "I already forgave you," he said. His voice caught and he began sobbing again.
"Can I hold you?" Anakin whispered.
For answer, Luke moved into his arms and rested his head on his father's shoulder. Anakin hugged him close and buried his face against the top of his son's head, his tears falling on Luke's fair hair. He sent the love and fierce protectiveness he now felt across their mind-link, hoping it would be some comfort to his son, and felt a small thrill in the midst of his anguish as he realized that Luke had dropped the shields that had blocked him these past weeks.
Anakin tentatively reached out again through the link, offering to help bear the burden of the past. This time Luke let him see the memories and, hurtful as it was for both of them, somehow sharing the experience and feeling the love and comfort that flowed between them now eased the pain. Healing tears fell freely, and father and son clung to one another for a long time.
After a while, when the tide of memories began to ebb, Anakin asked softly, "Is this what's been bothering you, son?"
Luke nodded without raising his head from his father's shoulder. Wordlessly he showed Anakin the events from Nar Shaddaa to the present that had brought the past back to him so vividly.
/Why didn't you say something? I could have helped you then./ Anakin sent as he ran his fingers through his son's hair and rested his cheek against the top of Luke's head.
/I didn't want to hurt you./
/It hurts me even more to think about you suffering all alone, Luke. Promise me you won't ever shut me out again./
Luke nodded again. /I won't./
/Because traumatic events are not easy to get over. I probably know that better than anyone. If anything starts to upset you again, I want you to come to me. Even if it's about me. Especially if it's about me. If I can help you, then I feel just a little better, too. Okay?/ Anakin leaned back enough to gaze deeply into Luke's eyes, though he still kept his arms around him.
His heart lifted when Luke gave him a small smile. /Okay./
Anakin pulled him close once more and held Luke to his heart. /My poor baby. I'm so sorry. I'd give anything if I could only go back in time and change things./
/I know, Father./ Luke leaned against him a few minutes more, feeling more at peace than he had in a long while. /I love you./
/And I love you, son./ Anakin kissed his forehead.
Finally Luke looked up and said aloud, "Let's go back to the Angel now, Father."
Anakin helped him to his feet and kept an arm around his shoulders as they made their way through Cloud City to their ship. Indeed, Anakin tended to him almost as if he were a little boy the rest of the day. He guided Luke to the sofa in the lounge and tucked a blanket around him. He flipped through holonet channels until he found Luke's favorite show and then fixed them both steaming bowls of soup. He brought their meal into the lounge and hesitated before handing Luke a bowl and spoon.
Luke raised his eyebrows and grinned, "You know, Father, I can feed myself. I walk and dress myself, too. And a few years ago, I even learned to talk."
"Smart alec." But Anakin grinned back, pleased to see that Luke was recovering his cheerful personality.
They called Coruscant and spoke to Leia, reassuring her that everything was all right now, then spent a quiet evening sitting side by side on the sofa, watching the holonet and not saying much, but it was a comfortable silence. Luke leaned against his father, and Anakin had an arm around him the whole time.
Luke could feel himself growing drowsy when a thought occurred to him and he mumbled, "We didn't check the records today."
"We'll do it tomorrow," Anakin replied easily.
Luke reached to take his father's hand. "Together," he promised.
Anakin smiled and with his other hand, he smoothed Luke's hair. "Yes, together," he agreed softly. "Rest now, son. I'm here."
They fell asleep like that. Anakin briefly considered getting Luke up and each of them going to their own rooms, but he just didn't want to be apart from his son anymore. They had nearly lost one another so many times before, and this last time had been particularly disturbing to Anakin. But it was all right now, he reflected as he stroked Luke's hair once more. Obi-Wan had been right. They were closer and stronger than before, and he felt that never again would they face a problem like this. The past could well come back to trouble them, and it probably would. Anakin realized the truth of his earlier words. Traumatic events often came back to haunt people. But at least now he and Luke knew they could work through it together.
TBC
