Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! : ) You can use the review button or email me: nette_mails@yahoo.de
Category: Carby
Spoilers: None I think. Though I might mention things that happened in S9.
Summary: Hard to describe without giving anything away. ; ) It's not about what it seems to be, at least not in the beginning. Please just read. : ) It's totally Carby, but also contains a bit of Lusan. : )
Disclaimer: I don't own anything … ; )
Author's Notes: I wanted to write this for quite some time already, and now I did. ; ) I hope you'll like it a bit. It would make me happy if you had a second to let me know what you think about it. : ) Thanks.
Oh, and maybe you should know that English is not my first language, so be gentle, but I tried my best as usual. ; )
Chapter 1: "Between Fear And Hope"She tossed and turned the whole night, not being able to find some much needed sleep.
She glanced at the red shining numbers of the alarm clock and sighed deeply when she saw that it was already 5 am. And her shift started at 8 am.
Actually, she was used to it already, because it had been the same the night before and the night before that.
She didn't really know what was wrong. She just did not feel well in general. That she felt nauseous was the main reason why she couldn't sleep.
She decided that it was the best if she just lay on her back and stared at the ceiling, like she did the nights before.
She did it carefully, to not wake the sleeping figure next to her.
Of course it was John, the most important man in her life.
He lay next to her, sound asleep, snoring slightly.
It was not an annoying noise. No, she loved to listen to him when he was sleeping. To listen to him inhaling and exhaling and his snoring usually calmed her down and let her fall asleep, too. And when she had her head on his chest, she could even hear the rhythm of his strong heartbeat and feel his soft skin on her own.
There was no place where she'd rather be in moments like that with him. She couldn't get enough of just feeling his presence.
But this night was different. She tried to be as far away from him as possible.
She didn't want him to know that she was not feeling well. Especially since it was the third night in a row. She didn't want him to worry about her. And she knew he would, since he loved her and cared about her like she loved him and cared about him. She would feel the same way if it was him.
And there was another reason why she couldn't blame him if he was worried about her. It was because she started to be worried herself.
A certain thought was on her mind and didn't want to go away.
It was the fear of being pregnant.
Most women would be happy, not scared about it. But it was different in her life. Like a lot of things were.
Of course they used protection, but everything was like it was a few years ago, when she was pregnant and decided not to have her child. Their child, Richard's and Abby's.
She felt restless and couldn't sleep at nights, felt nauseous. So it was possible that she was pregnant again.
She couldn't have her first child. Her marriage with Richard was not going well. She didn't really love him. At least not enough to overcome the fear of having a bipolar child.
She couldn't even tell him that she was pregnant, that she was thinking about having an abortion. She was desperate and just did it. It was the hardest decision in her life. And the one she regretted the most.
She was pretty good at ignoring her feelings for that baby. But sometimes she couldn't help but think about it. She knew exactly how old it would be by now, wondered whether it was a boy or a girl. And it hurt her more than anything else not to be able to hold that child in her arms now.
But it seemed right back then and the only way.
Now it was different.
There was still her fear of having a child that was bipolar, but this time she was with a man she loved deeply and truly and he loved her as much as she did. And it would be his child, too. She couldn't just do it like she did it before. She owed him to tell him the truth.
And she was sure that she could never pretend that everything was alright in front of him. That would never work. He knew her too well, he would know immediately. It was hard enough already to hide from him that she was feeling sick. He already asked, but she told him that she was okay. She wasn't sure if she convinced him, but he didn't ask further questions.
And she couldn't handle a loss like that again, especially not with John as the father.
So if she was really pregnant, it would be a hard time for both of them.
But, even if she decided for a child, she didn't know how Carter would react.
Well, she knew actually, even though they never talked about having children yet, because she successfully avoided that topic. They knew each other for more than 4 years, were together for more than 2 years and married for a little more than 1 year, but she was still successful in avoiding it.
Of course he'd tell her that they'd be okay and that the child won't be bipolar. And that he'd love it no matter what, even if it was, that they'd make it together, he'd never leave her.
And she knew he'd truly mean it, but she wasn't sure if he really knew what it's like to live with a bipolar person you love. Abby had to go through it all her life, she knew.
But Carter only got a hint of what it's like when he met Maggie or Eric.
The more she thought about it, the more she knew that she could not do that to him. She could not bring that trouble in his life, she loved him too much.
Though she had to admit that the thought of having a child with him was wonderful. He would be a great father, she was sure about that.
Tears were forming in her eyes when she thought about them having children, when she pictured herself with John and their child. Sometimes in her dreams they even had several children, all healthy and beautiful. Just perfect.
He'd play soccer with their son while she'd watch them with their daughter. Or he'd show their children how to ride a bike. There were so many beautiful images in her head.
But she was sure that she would never have that in her life because of the disease that was running in her family.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she suddenly felt that she actually had to throw up.
She tried to get out of the bed as careful as possible.
When she reached the bathroom she switched on the light and kneeled down in front of the toilet.
The nights before she just didn't feel well, but this time she did not know how to avoid the noise she'd eventually make.
***
Carter awoke from a noise.
His eyelids opened slowly. With tired eyes he read on the alarm clock that it was only 5.20 am. It was not even 3 hours before his shift started.
He leaned over to Abby's side of the bed, but she was not there.
He turned over, when he heard the toilet flushing, to be able to see the bathroom door.
He saw that light was coming from underneath it.
When she did not come out after several minutes and he didn't hear anything, he started to worry and decided to get up and check on her, since she did seem different during the last couple of days.
Yesterday he asked her if she was okay and she answered that she was.
Though he was not convinced by her answer, he decided not to push her and let her come and tell him when she was ready.
He rolled over, got out of the bed and walked over to the bathroom.
He knocked at the door carefully before he opened it.
He found her sitting crawled up in front of the toilet, staring at the bathroom floor. Her legs were pulled up to her chest, she was hugging them. She looked so vulnerable, sad and hurt, it broke his heart to see her like that.
She was wearing one of his T-shirts. They were much too large for her, but she liked to wear them at nights. She always said she felt secure and protected in his clothes. And he didn't mind, he thought she looked cute in them.
It seemed like she didn't even notice him when he closed the door behind himself.
"Hey.", he said, walking towards her.
He could see the sad expression on her face when she looked up at him. But her face lit up a little when she saw him.
When he reached her he sat down next to her. He kissed her forehead gently, put his hand on her back and started to move it up and down slowly to comfort her.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"
"No, it's okay. What's wrong with you?
"Nothing, really. I just wasn't feeling well. I don't know why."
"Are you sick? You didn't seem well during the last couple of days."
She was staring at the floor again. She just couldn't lie and look him into the eyes.
"Yeah, probably. It's nothing serious, though. You don't have to worry."
He knew she was not telling him the truth, he could see it in her eyes. He could see right through them, the windows to her soul.
He was not blaming her for that, though. He knew that she loved him and trusted him, that she needed him. But she still didn't want other people to worry about her. He knew she thought she wasn't worth it and that hurt him. She'd rather suffer alone silently before she let other people worry about her. But he could always convince her to talk to him in the end. He was the only person who could do that. But he was also the only person who could help her, who understood her completely.
"Come on, it's more than that."
She sighed deeply. He got up and held out both hands for her.
"Let's talk about it, okay? But not here on the cold bathroom floor."
He wanted her to talk about it, get it off her chest, so that she'd feel better. He wished he could take away all her worries, but he knew that was not possible. So he wanted at least talk about them. He knew that helped, too.
She took his hands and he helped her up.
He put his right arm around her and took her left hand in his to lead her over to the bedroom again.
He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her down to make her sit on his lap.
She put her left arm around him while he put his right arm around her and took her other hand in his.
She looked at him helplessly, not sure if she should tell him that she thought she was pregnant or not. She wasn't even sure and it was better if he didn't know. She knew that he wanted children and that it would hurt him if she told him that she couldn't keep their child.
And she feared that she had to tell him about her abortion now. He still didn't know. She wanted to tell him several times already because she wanted him to know and he deserved to know. But she didn't find the right moment yet. And she feared his reaction.
On the other hand, she had to tell him sooner or later. And this was a good moment to do it.
She still looked at him, not sure how to start the conversation.
He wasn't sure what exactly was bothering her, but he knew that there was something she wanted to tell him.
He let go of her hand, stroked her face and kissed her cheek before he took her hand again and started to speak.
"You know you can talk to me about whatever you want, right? I will love you no matter what. I care about you. Let me help you, please."
When she looked into his warm and understanding eyes she could see that he really meant what he said. But she still couldn't find the right words.
" I … I don't know … ", she sighed.
Suddenly he could put two and two together.
She wasn't feeling well in the mornings, that told him something, especially since he was a doctor.
"Is it possible that you are … pregnant?"
He couldn't help but smile a little. He always wanted a family, especially with Abby. But she still looked sad.
"If you worry what I'd think about it … I'd love it!", he said and smiled a little more.
When she saw the happiness in his face she knew that she had to tell him now. She didn't want him to hope for a baby, a family, while she knew that they'd never have that together.
"I … I don't know. I don't think so. We were always careful. And … I hope I am not."
The words were out before she could think about them. She could see the sad and hurt expression on his face when she looked at him.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that. There is nothing in the world I'd love to have more than a wonderful child with you! It's just that … you know my mother and my brother. They are both bipolar and … "
"You think our child could be bipolar, too?", he asked her, while the expression on his face changed. He knew her fear of having a bipolar child.
She was glad to see that he seemed to understand.
"Yeah.", she brought out, hardly above a whisper. She blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall when she thought about what she'd have to tell him next.
"And because I know I couldn't keep the child, even though I know that we'd love it, even if it was bipolar, I hope that I am not pregnant. Because I couldn't do it again, especially not with your child."
He looked at her in confusion.
"Do what again?"
"I was pregnant once, when I was married to Richard.", she sighed deeply while her tears started to fall slowly.
He looked at her in surprise. When he saw her tears he reached up to her face again and wiped them away with his thumb. He had an idea of what she was about to tell him, but didn't know what to say, so he just listened to her.
"But I couldn't keep it. I couldn't risk to have a bipolar child with him. Our marriage was not the best, I didn't know if we'd still be together when the child would have been born. And I couldn't live with a bipolar child, not after my life with Maggie and Eric. I love them, but that's why it hurts so much to see them suffer. So I had an abortion. I never told him, and that was the end of our marriage."
She was crying freely now, her face buried deeply in his neck, while he wrapped his arms around her tightly to comfort her.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you yet. But I just couldn't. I didn't know how. I was scared about how you'd react, if you'd understand. Or if you'd think that I'm horrible person.", she sobbed, her face still in his neck.
"Abby, I know what it's like with your mother and your brother, that it's not easy. But I also know how much you love them and take care of them, even though most of the time they hurt you in the end. I could never think that you're a horrible person, I still love you as much as before. I understand why you did it. But you have to promise me something. If you should ever be pregnant with our child, please come to me and tell me, that we can talk about it, okay?"
He was against abortion and knew that usually she was, too. But he understood her intentions, it was a special situation. But he was also hoping that she'd not do the same with their child.
She just nodded.
"I know I couldn't abort our child. I hope I will never even have to think about it. But I promise that I'd tell you."
He tightened his embrace around her even more and kissed the top of her head. He could feel how much it hurt her and how much she regretted the decision she made a few years ago. And he hoped that he could convince her to keep the child if she ever was pregnant, to have a family with him. But he also knew that this was not the right time to talk about it. She needed comfort now, no talk about the future.
He just held her for a while, with tears in his own eyes, before he spoke again.
"You also have to promise me that you get a check up tomorrow. There has to be a reason why you are not feeling well."
She lifted her head up from his neck and smiled slightly.
"See, that's why I didn't want to tell you that I was sick. I knew the mother in you would come out."
He smiled. He was glad that she was feeling better now.
"It's not the mother, it's the doctor. And now let's go to sleep. You need some rest. Doctor's orders! Do you still feel nauseous?"
She nodded. "A little."
He made her stand up from his lap and lay down on the bed on his right side and stretched his arm out over her pillow. She lay down in front of him, with her back against his chest and her head on his arm.
He reached over her with his left hand and slipped under her shirt to put it on her bare stomach. He started to form round patterns with his flat hand on her skin to make the nausea go away.
There she was again, wrapped in his embrace. Listening to his breathing, feeling his heartbeat against her back. And it still had the same effect on her. She calmed down and thought about that possible child again. Maybe she could have a child with this wonderful man. She decided to have a pregnancy test the next day, just to be sure. But she also decided not to tell him about it. She'd keep her promise to tell him, but not immediately. She wasn't sure about her own feelings and how she'd react, no matter if it was positive or negative. She wanted to think about it alone first and not bring up his hopes if she was pregnant.
Feeling loved and secure in his arms, she fell asleep quickly.
***
They awoke in the morning, still in the same position, from the noise of the alarm clock.
Abby immediately remembered the dream she had. It was about having a baby and it was a beautiful dream. She thought that this could only be a good sign.
She kept thinking about the child the whole day. She even caught herself resting her hand on her stomach.
But she was still scared of the results she'd get from her pregnancy test later.
They both had to work, so there was not much time to spent together. But the little time they had, they felt closer to each other than ever before.
Abby was glad that she told John about the abortion. And that they talked about children and that he understood.
He was also glad that she let him in a little more.
