In a boring boring country there was a boring boring suberb and in the boring boring suberb there was a boring boring street. On the boring boring street there was a boring boring house and in that boring boring house a wizard lived.

Harry Potter had to be invisible. That was his life's mission in this house. The Dersley's were having dinner guests and, as usual, our little hero was in his room, pretending that he didn't exist.

Now, the author of this story wishes you to feel sorry for our poor, misguided hero, so give him your heartfelt sympathy.

It was very boring pretending you didn't exist. You had to stay still and not do anything. Now come on. How long do you expect a 12 year old to sit still? They can't even pose for photos, for crying out loud!

But Harry was a special boy. (Not in that way!) He was the wizarding world's next Dumbledore. Yay for the old senile protector of the teabags! Albus Dumbledore was Harry's mentor.

Anyway, getting back on track, Harry went to the bathroom, and when he came back there was a shriveled up prune bouncing on his bed. Ahem. I mean a house elf.

This house elf was no ordinary house elf, because who sends anything ordinary to the great Harry Potter? No, this was the Malfoy's elf, those dastardly cunning bastards that tried to make his life hell, well, tried to. Draco's mudblood, Potty and Weasel jokes were so last season!

"What the hell are you?!" Harry cried, before remembering he was supposed to be pretending to be furniture, not moving or speaking.

"The great Harry Potter! I have come to tell you that you will be dying at Hogwarts this year, so don't go back!" The prune, ahem, house elf, raised his hand to disappear.

"Wait! I'm to young to die! I haven't even reached puberty. I don't want to die a virgin!" Harry ran over to grab the prune.elf..thing.

"Then don't go back to Hogwarts! By the way, Draco sends you kind regards, as well as this!" The elf kicked our dashing young hero in a truly below the belt kinda place, and disappeared.

"Hey, you could have damaged me for life! Think of my children.!"

The house elf popped back into existence. "You don't have any children!"

"Someday I might!"

(The author then realises she is taking lines out of another movie and tries to smooth over the matter)

The house elf disappears for good then, leaving a dazed young man rolling around on the floor yelling something to the extent of "He kicked me mummy! I want my dummy! Ahhhhhhhh!"

Harry Potter is then yelled at for hours by his Uncle Vernon, who's spit made Harry long for an umbrella. He had made so much noise trying to salvage his manhood that the clients had thought the house was going to collapse on top of them and had left.

Harry was grabbed by his rather skinny arm and chucked into his room. Uncle Vernon covered the door from top to bottom with locks, hammering his fingers to the door twice, and attached bats, I mean bars to Harry's window, because of course, who wanted Aunt Petunia screaming like a banshee when she saw the bats? On the way down the ladder, dear old Uncle Vernon fell of into the holly bushes bellow, which broke his fall..barely..and he came into the house covered in scratches and cuts, with a few burs stuck to his rather voluminous buttocks.

Poor old Harry was only allowed out to go to the loo. Hedwig was truly disgusted at her treatment, and demanded that the animal cruelty department take her away from the stupid boy-who-attracted-trouble-like-a-magnet. Unfortunately, due to the storyline, Hedwig was denied, and she had to continue to eat vegetable scraps.

***

When next the author can be bothered to write, she will then go on to tell the epic tale of how Harry escaped and made it to the run down shanty that was The Burrow.