Snippet #2: Romanticizing the Situation

Harry Potter, now in his seventh year at Hogwarts, once again found himself in Headmaster Dumbledore's office for a reason wholly unrelated to academics, yet- surprisingly- one not directly concerning himself. He sat in conference around a mahogany table with the headmaster, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Severus Snape. Remus's and Dumbledore's faces were neutral; they did not know what to anticipate. Sirius, however, looked quite sheepish while Severus regarded the scene with his usual sneer.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I am under the impression that you two wish to make an announcement?"

Sirius nodded. "That's correct." He took a deep breath. "Severus and I are having-"

"We are not having anything!" Severus immediately snapped. "I am the one thrust into this entirely undignified condition and I would appreciate it if you would stop romanticizing the situation!"

With a huff, he crossed his arms and glared at Sirius.

"And what condition might that be, Severus?" Dumbledore prodded gently.

Severus bit his lip and darted his eyes to the tabletop.

"I'm pregnant."

Harry adequately summed up everyone's reaction by falling out of his chair.

"What?" the Potions Master barked at him.

"Na- nothing," Harry stuttered as he peeked his head over the tabletop. "But… aren't you a man?"

Severus's stare quickly convinced Harry to duck back under the table.

"For that to be possible, you'd have to be partially transfigured," Remus remarked. "How did that happen?"

"Yes, I would quite like to know that," Dumbledore seconded.

Sirius and Severus immediately turned away from each other, trying very hard- and failing miserably- not to turn bright red.

Harry thought the headmaster would let the matter drop, but instead Dumbledore inquired suggestively, "Severus?"

"We were experimenting," he replied.

"With what?"

"I'm afraid it really was potions this time," he confessed miserably and dropped his head into his hands, still blushing with furious embarrassment.

Harry, Remus, and Dumbledore refocused their inquiring gazes upon Sirius.

"What!" the Animagus exclaimed. "It wasn't my idea!"

Incisively, the headmaster stated, "I take it the true accident in this matter was not the transfiguration of Severus, but forgetting a contraceptive spell?"

Severus's raised his head and exclaimed, "Damn it, Albus, the warnings never said it would make me fertile!"

"You intend to keep the child?" Dumbledore asked.

"Sirius wanted one anyway and I can't in good conscience kill something just because I find it inconvenient," Severus answered sourly.

The latter part of that statement, Harry reflected, was probably the only reason Neville Longbottom was still alive.

Dumbledore smiled at him. "A child is a treasure-"

"With all due respect, Albus, I can't stand Sirius spewing that idealistic crap and I don't really want to hear it from you."

The Potions Master continued, "My… condition does present several problems. Firstly, I can no longer teach class. Several of the ingredients which the fifth, sixth, and seventh years use generate fumes that can cause birth defects. That fact presents us with a more serious issue. I will not be able to brew the Wolfsbane Potion."

Remus nodded. "I certainly don't want you to do anything to jeopardize your baby. I can use the Shrieking Shack…"

"…and I should be able to keep him in line, just as long as nobody goes through the Willow," Sirius added.

An odd, rather angry look crossed Severus's face. Sirius flinched.

"I'm certain we can find someone else to brew your potion temporarily," Dumbledore assured Remus, then inquired of Sirius and Severus, "Have you considered how you will explain the child's existence?"

"What do you mean?" Severus asked.

"Surely you realize that until Sirius's name is cleared, it would be dangerous for both him and yourself to reveal that he is the father."

Sirius clasped Severus's hand possessively. "No… I'm afraid we haven't. What would you suggest, headmaster? A… a substitute?" Timidly, he glanced towards the werewolf and suggested, "Remus?"

Remus and Severus regarded each other with pure shock.

"Bloody hell," Remus swore. "Well… if it's really necessary-"

"NO," Severus stated firmly.

"Well, who else is there?" Sirius demanded, then quipped sarcastically, "Harry?"

Harry's stomach did a flip-flop and his face turned bright red.

Severus snorted. "Sure- I purposely transfigured myself so I could bear the child of an underage student. And Albus hasn't fired me why?"

"Um… Imperius Curse?" Harry offered.

"It wasn't a serious suggestion!" he snapped.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I was going to suggest artificial insemination."

After a pause, Sirius answered, "Oh. Well… that would work."

"What?" Severus gasped. "That… that implies I was so desperate to have a baby that I had to bear it myself! That's pathetic!"

"No offence to anyone here," Remus ventured, "but I don't think anybody is going to believe that."

"They do not have to believe it, Remus. The proof," the headmaster countered with a significant glance towards Severus, "will be undeniable."

The Potions Master crossed his arms and fumed, "Great. I'm the sod nobody could love."

"Stop it. You know that's not true," Sirius insisted. "Now do I have to embarrass you horribly by snogging you in front of everyone present to prove it?"

Severus sighed. "No."

Sirius kissed him anyway.