Chapter 27
Keelin pinned her hair up listlessly, her arms moving slowly, languidly. Her face was very pale, serving to reinforce Alinda's concerns that she was ill, especially since Keelin did nothing to attempt to disprove Alinda's assertions of her being ill. Keelin simply did not have the energy to deny her friend. She was ill, although ill with a sickness of the heart and mind and not a sickness of the body, as Alinda suspected.
She knew it was selfish of her to have such feelings, but she found that she could not help herself. She had meant what she said to Sir Edwyn, for she did feel that her life was but a small sacrifice to be made for the good of the kingdom, but that knowledge did nothing to dispel the pain that she was feeling. That the prince was now lost to her forever she knew to be just, knew to be right. If she had it in her power to change her situation, she would not do so. She would far rather lose him than see the kingdom collapse around her. She would far rather lose him than do anything that would bring him pain. Still, she felt she no longer had any purpose. She had served her king, her prince, and her prince's friend and now felt that there was nothing left for her. She had no one to blame but herself for her foolish notions about the prince.
It was as if she were now living in a dream. The events around her seemed surreal. Her mind was in a perpetual haze and she could not seem to understand anything that anyone said to her. She knew not how she managed to ready herself, knew not how she arrived at the cathedral, yet she was suddenly there, watching the prince as he made his procession up the aisle. He was much too far away for her to see his face and, with a painful twinge in her heart, she watched him walk slowly up the aisle, her eyes following the tail of his rich velvet, satin, and ermine cape as it slid along the red velvet carpet and trailed him up to the altar. She moved her lips mechanically, reciting prayers in Latin with the rest of those present.
The ceremony seemed much, much too short to her. It seemed that the crown of England was being placed upon his head no more than seconds after he had made his procession up to the altar. It seemed no more than a heartbeat between the time that he had first entered the cathedral and when the royal scepter was laid in his hands. As he rose and was presented as king, she felt herself sway and was suddenly terrified that she would collapse right there in front of everyone. She forced her legs to remain steady as the new king made his way out of the cathedral and to his carriage. She felt a searing pain in her heart as she caught a distant glimpse of him in all his splendor, his crown on his head and his scepter in his hands.
It was to her enormous relief when the crowd finally began to surge out of the cathedral. She burst away from them as soon as she could and fled straight for the forest, her tears blinding her. She ran into several others in the crowd as she fled, but she was heedless of their shouts of surprise and annoyance. Her only thought was to break free, to go where she could finally, blessedly, be alone.
Once in the forest, she ran straight to the clearing that had been the site of her first forest meeting with the prince. She sat down upon a fallen log and cried as if her heart would break, her heart-wrenching sobs startling the birds and animals and sending them fleeing. She cried herself to the point of exhaustion, deciding to lay down there and sleep forever when she heard the sound of approaching footsteps. Keelin was too tired to rise, too tired to even attempt to conceal the signs of her grief and she found that she did not even care any longer.
Her shock was so great when she saw that it was the king who approached her that she felt all the blood drain from her face. He was dressed just as he had been for the coronation ceremony, minus the long cape and scepter. She could do nothing more than think dumbly that he must have left them behind because he feared they would hamper his progress through the forest. He still wore the crown on his head and the ceremonial sword at his side. He looked so handsome, so regal that she was struck dumb.
Almost against her will, her gaze moved from his spotless white raiment to his face. She was surprised and perplexed by what she saw there. His emotions seemed to be nearly as turbulent as her own and she watched as the expressions on his face changed from surprise to relief to nervousness.
"Your-Your Majesty," Keelin stuttered clumsily, pulling herself up from the tree limb and nearly flinging herself into a bow at his feet. "I pray Your Majesty, forgive me. I-I did not expect Your Majesty to…I-I did not know Your Majesty intended…" She gave up trying to speak and merely kept her face pointed toward the ground, hoping he would hurry on past her.
"I-I came here on purpose," the king replied and Keelin was surprised to realize that his voice was just as shaky as hers.
She nearly leapt to her feet. "Of course, I shall leave Your Majesty alone." She turned to flee but he caught her elbow, stopping her.
Keelin's heart raced in her chest as she turned to face him once more. He studied her with an intense, anguished look on his face. He caught her hands and pulled them up into his view, a look of devastation on his face.
"Have you rid yourself of the ring I gave you?" he asked her.
She was dumbfounded by the question. It did not make sense. The feel of her hands in his was nearly making her mad. She had craved his touch so often that it had become something of a permanent ache. To feel it now was like sweet torture. She pulled her hands from his hastily and extracted the ring from her gown, pulling the cord over her head and holding it out to him.
"Nay, Your Majesty. I have it here. I-I concealed it so that I would not be questioned about it. I did not wish to embarrass Your Majesty. It belongs to Your Majesty and I wish to return it now."
"Do you think I ask for it back?" he asked her, pain evident on his face.
"Your Majesty cannot wish me to keep it any longer," she said, nearly sobbing the words out. She felt pure, physical pain at the thought of losing the precious object.
"I certainly do not wish to have it back unless it repulses you."
"Oh, nay, Your Majesty. How could it repulse me? How could it be anything less than…" Her voice trailed off and she felt an increasing sense of alarm. She had nearly done the unthinkable; she had nearly confessed her feelings to him.
"Keelin, I pray you, do not address me in that manner. I know you mean it as a sign of respect but such words coming from your lips torment me," the king said, continuing to ignore to proffered ring.
"But how else shall I…" she began to ask, but he did not give her a chance to finish.
"I wish for you to address me by my name, to call me Rhain."
"Never," Keelin said in a horrified voice. She took a step back. "I cannot even imagine myself equal to such a liberty."
"Then know yourself to be superior to it," he said, his voice sounding both tender and fearful at the same time.
"I do not understand," Keelin said, her panic rising. "I pray Your Majesty, take the ring."
To her astonishment, he did as she told him, but instead of keeping it for himself, he untied the cord and tossed it aside. He then picked up her trembling right hand and slid the ring onto her finger.
"I will never take it. You may wish to have nothing more to do with me, but I will never accept that ring. 'Twas meant for you and you alone. If you truly do not wish to keep it, you may dispose of it as you see fit, but I could not bear for you to return it. I cannot tell you how much that would pain me."
Keelin's relief at his refusal to take the ring back was only second to her distress at the refusal. She could not bear it any longer. She pulled her hand from his, turned her back to him, and wept, burying her face in his hands.
A moment passed, the only sound that of her weeping, and then she tore her hands from her face and tilted her head back, shouting to the sky in a voice filled with anguish, "I am a fool!" She buried her face in her hands once more, her body wracked by sobs.
"Why are you a fool?" the king asked, his voice exquisitely gentle. He placed his hands gently on her heaving shoulders.
She whirled around to face him, unable to keep her secret for another moment. As soon as she opened her mouth to speak, she was certain she would live to regret her words, but she could not stop herself. "I am a fool because of what I feel for you," she shouted at him. She half-hoped that the vehemence and meaning of her words would repulse him and cause him to leave her.
"Then I am a fool as well," he said, without recoiling from her words at all. On the contrary, as she stared up at him in amazement, she saw that the expression on his face was equal to her own.
"Nay. It cannot be," she said, trying to take a step back from him. Instead, he pulled her to him and held her tightly in his arms, though she struggled against him with all her might.
"Oh, Keelin, I love you so much more than words can express. End my torment and say that you love me as well," he said in a ragged voice.
Keelin was so shocked by his words that she ceased to struggle against him. For him to feel what she felt was impossible, she was certain of it. He could not love her as she loved him, he who was king of England. How could he feel for an insignificant servant woman as herself? Even if she were more than a servant, how could he feel for her? This incredible man, this man that she loved so much that it hurt, this man whom she felt could move heaven and Earth if he tried. She felt such reverence for him that even if she were a queen of all the world she would not feel herself equal to him. He was everything that a man should be and more and she did not deserve him.
"This is wrong," she said, struggling against him once more. "Your Majesty is the king and I am only a servant! It cannot be."
"Nay, you are wrong," he insisted. "It can be and it is. I love you more with every breath that I draw. You are everything in the world to me and I shall never be satisfied with any other woman. I pray you, Keelin, tell me that you feel the same. Or if you do not, only say the word and I shall never speak of it again to you. All I want in this world is your happiness."
Keelin's tears flowed freely. Never had she imagined that hearing him speak such words would bring her such pain. She now knew that it was worse to know that he loved her as she loved him and that she could not have him. She would rather have loved him as she did for the rest of her life without his returning her feelings.
"Nay, it cannot be. I can never be worthy of Your Majesty," she wept.
"Is that your only argument? Do you mean to convince me that I should not love you as I do merely because I happened to be born into royalty and you happened to be born into servitude? Nay, Keelin, nay. I cannot, will not believe it. I have come to understand a great many things this day and one thing that I do truly understand is that I would not love you as I do if it were not meant to be."
"I cannot…" she began, but he cut her off once more.
"The only way I shall ever leave you is if you tell me that you do not feel as I do." He paused to look at her for a moment but she was too overcome to speak and so he continued, "Do you believe that I was meant to be king at this moment? I did not, but yet here I am. Everything in this life happens for a reason and I know why you were brought into my life. You were brought to save me from myself, to show me what it meant to put another entirely before myself. There is nothing that I would not do for you, Keelin, nothing. I would give my life for you. I know that you fear that we cannot overcome the difference in our social standing, but that is nothing to me. A union between us can serve no other purpose than good. It can only serve as an example to my kingdom of the power of love and acceptance, of the reality that there is no difference between those of different social classes other than an imaginary title. If you take away my title, I am a man just like any other man."
"Your Majesty is not! Your Majesty is king!" Keelin cried.
"I pray you, Keelin, hear me. I mean every word that I say. I would know if this were wrong, but can such a pure, unselfish, beautiful feeling be wrong? I want you forever by my side so that I may always benefit from your company. I want you to be my queen, to be the example for my people. I can think of no other woman more fitted for the position. You are everything that a woman should be, everything that I have always dreamed of finding. I have known many women in my life and not a one is your equal. You may think that a title somehow makes a person more than what they are, but I can tell you that I know a great many noble women and not a single one has your virtue."
"I cannot consent to it. I cannot consent to anything that may hurt Your Majesty. I would die if I were the cause of any pain, any misfortune to Your Majesty and a union between us could bring Your Majesty nothing but pain and misfortune," she insisted.
"I have always trusted your judgment and thought you wise, but I know that you are wrong this time. Your thoughts are based too much on fear and apprehension and not enough on logic. If you could but calm your fears, you would understand that no harm can come of a union between us, that nothing but good can result from it."
Keelin wanted so badly to believe what he said. He was right, she was afraid, but she did not think her fear made her foolish. She believed that her fear made her wary of allowing such bewitching thoughts to enter her head. She could not ignore the social order of the world, even if he felt he could.
"I cannot hope to change the world and as long as the world is as it is, I shall never be able to consent to such a union. It may be true that Your Majesty and I may be able to overcome the traditions of society and look toward a new future, but that is not true of everyone. As long as there are those in the kingdom who do not believe it fit for a sewing woman to marry a king, there can be nothing but pain resulting from such a union," she told him. "And even if Your Majesty were just a man and not a king, I would not be able to consent to it. I do not deserve Your Majesty."
The king gently tilted her head back so that she was looking into his eyes. He caressed her face softly for several moments, calming her and stopping the uncontrollable flood of tears. He made her feel so safe, so loved, that she wanted nothing more than to sink into his embrace and forget all of her objections.
After a short while, he began to speak to her again in a very gentle voice. "I understand your objections and only think more highly of you because of them. Still, everything must start somewhere, Keelin, and we must be brave enough to become the instruments of change. Do you not wish to see more equality and union in your kingdom? That we will face opposition is certain, but when does anything ever happen without opposition? This is right, Keelin, I know it and I know that if you look deep in your heart you will know it too. You are the bravest woman I know and I refuse to accept that you do not have enough courage for this.
"You must tell me the truth now. If you do not love me, there is no reason to continue thus any further. I will not force you to try to feel something that you do not. But if you do love me, then you must trust in my judgment. You must believe me when I say that I have thought this all over with a very clear head and I know it to be right. I wish to do many great things for my kingdom, but I cannot do them alone. I want you by my side; I need you by my side. Let us make this difference, let us bring about great changes that will benefit all. Say that you will be my wife, my queen, my everything."
Keelin was silent for some time. She thought carefully about what he had said and she began to see the truth in his words. She would never forgive herself for rejecting him simply because she was too afraid of facing the difficulties that lay ahead. She thought of how she had felt when he left for Germany and she knew that she could not refuse him. He would soon leave for war with France and she would not be able to bear his parting knowing that she had refused him and made him unhappy. For his happiness, for her own happiness, and for her hopes of being useful to the kingdom, she knew that she would accept him. They would face any adversity together. His love gave her the strength she needed to face any difficulty and his faith in her was an honor and an inspiration.
"What is your answer?" he finally asked, gently.
"I have never loved any man but you," she told him, her voice a whisper as she spoke the sweet words. He held her face cupped in his hands and wiped her tears away with his thumbs as they began to flow. "You are right, 'tis my fear that is holding me back, but if you are to be by my side, I shall fear nothing. There may be those who oppose us but we will face them together. I do consent to wed you because I love you and because I wish for nothing more than to be of service to you and to make you happy. I shall do everything in my power to do both."
"And I shall do everything in my power to make up for the pain and loneliness you have been forced to feel in the past. I wish for nothing more than to be of service to you and to make you happy. I offer you all that I am and all that I have. I shall always think of you as my equal, as my superior in many ways. I promise you that I will love you forever."
His words were so sweet, so wonderful that Keelin felt ecstatic with a joy that was almost painful. She did not know how she would ever bear such happiness as this. To know herself beloved of him was to be given the greatest gift in the world. It was a blessing for which she would never stop giving thanks.
"I will love you forever as well, my most darling Rhain."
The look of joy on his face as she spoke his name brought fresh tears to her eyes. His face, which had been mere inches from hers, lowered until his lips claimed hers with a kiss of such exquisite tenderness that it made Keelin's heart ache.
