Part 3: Missing you, missing me

Today is now day four of me being on the straight and narrow. I still haven't called Carter to find out how he is doing. I am still a little worried since he didn't come over again last night after work, but I know that things will work about between us. I know they will. We love each other a lot maybe we just need a little space for a few days to figure out what we really want from each other. Even though I haven't been able to tell him that I love him, I know that he knows, otherwise why would he have stayed around as long as he has? We are two people who are completely different, yet we are so much the same. We both have our devils in the closet, but have managed to move on and continue with our lives.

Alex had suggested that she start writing in a journal and she had taken her advice. Writing everything down seemed to make it all make so much more sense. Although she didn't know if she would ever be able to figure out her and Carter's relationship. It hadn't been easy ever, but they had seemed to come to an understanding that this is how life was for them. She wasn't going to think about it anymore. She was tired and needed to go to bed. She had to be at the hospital in the morning. Her days off had come to an end for now. Abby laid her pen down on the nightstand and turned out the light out. She was sure that she would probably bump into him tomorrow at work. She would deal with that when the time arrived.

The alarm clock went off earlier than Abby would have liked. She batted at the snooze button a couple of times, unable to find it; she stretched and got up out of bed. She slipped on her slippers and padded into the bathroom. She started the shower and let the warm water run down her body slowing waking up every inch of herself. She got out of the shower and finished getting ready to leave for work. She caught the EL. The train ride was quiet and uneventful. She hoped off at the stop right across the street from the ER and walked down into the hospital. The sun was shinning and the weather was beautiful she almost hated to be stuck inside on a day like this. There weren't many people there yet and that made her feel better. She didn't want to start her morning off by going into a hospital packed full of people

"Good morning Abby." Jerry said as he saw her heading into the ER.

"Morning Jerry." Abby said, "Dr. Carter here yet?"

"I haven't seen him yet but he's on the board." Jerry said, "he might be in one of the exam rooms, do you want me to tell him that you are looking for him if I see him."

"No that's okay Jerry, I am sure that I will bump into him. It's not like he could have gone very far. It's not a big hospital."

Jerry nodded and Abby headed into the lounge. She threw her stuff into the locker. She didn't know if she wanted to see Carter or not. She knew that she couldn't avoid him all day. She was going to meet Alex for coffee before going to the AA meeting. She had been doing so well. She hadn't had a cigarette in four days now and she hadn't had a drink in just as long. Things were starting to look up and she really did like the way that her life was going now. This was the dawning of a new period in her life. If Carter was going to be there with her, then so be it, if not then that was the way it was going to be. She wasn't going to stress either way.

She headed out and started into what patients were there for the morning. She was sure that it was going to be a long day. She grabbed a chart to start an IV, when she came around the corner she bumped into Carter. She hadn't expected to run into him so soon during the day. Their eyes met and they exchanged quick glances. She didn't know what to say to him, or if she should say anything to him at all.

"Good morning Abby." Carter said breaking the silence that was unnerving between to the two of them.

"Hi Carter," Abby said, she didn't want to stay right there. There was a knot in her stomach and it was making her feel as if she wanted to bolt down the hallway. She wasn't looking forward to the conversation that they were going to need to have. She knew that when they starting talking he would know that she knew and it, and it was something that she wanted to wait and do when they were along. Preferably after she had gone and had her AA meeting. Hell Carter didn't even know that she had started going to them again, and she was sure that he didn't know that she had stopped smoking too. He hadn't talked to her in five days; there was a lot that he didn't know about her now. She wasn't sure why he hadn't bothered to call her. She was sure that he knew how to dial a phone.

Abby headed into an exam room, and Carter didn't bother to follow her, that was a relief to Abby. She was happy that right now they weren't going to have to have that talk after all. But she was sure that he would corner her later in the day if she let him. And Abby had no intention of that happening. Right now why he didn't ask her to marry him was the least of her concerns. She had patients to take care of, and the needed to be her top priority, not John Carter and his disappearing proposal.

"Abby," Susan said bumping into her.

"What Dr. Lewis." Abby said.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing?" She asked.

"I am fine." Abby said.

Susan was trying to get a good look at her hand to see if the ring was there. "Nothing new and exciting happen?"

"Nope, just enjoyed two days to myself with nothing to do." She said.

Susan looked a little disappointed that Abby didn't have any new for her as she walked away. Carter must have told Susan that he was going to ask her, and now Susan was digging around trying to be subtle in finding out.

Abby ran around the hospital doing various odd jobs during the day she managed to keep busy and away from Carter for the majority of the day. It was nearing the end of her shift when Carter managed to catch her at the admit desk.

"Do you want to do something tonight?" Carter asked her, "I thought that maybe we could do dinner and a movie tonight."

"Sorry Carter, I am meeting with my sponsor and then I have an AA meeting that I need to go to." She said.

Carter just looked at her. He wasn't sure what to say to her now. Meeting with her sponsor, and going to AA meetings again. That wasn't like her at all. The last time he saw her she had no interest in going to either of those things. He wanted to know what brought on the sudden change in her.

Abby headed to the lounge to pick up her things and head off to meet her sponsor. She didn't want to be late meeting up with Alex. She was doing so well and she didn't want to screw things up now. She picked up her things and headed outside. It had rained during the day and the streets were glistening from the water, and there was a mist in the air. Carter came up behind her.

"Why all the changes all of a sudden?" He asked.

"Because I woke up Carter and wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror." She said to him as she kept walking.

"Wait Abby." He said,

"What Carter I am going to be late meeting my sponsor." She said to him impatiently.

"She can wait a minute, you won't be that late. Abby, you're not doing this because of me are you."

"No Carter, as much as you would like to think so, the world doesn't revolve around you." She said.

"You know don't you?" He asked.

"Yes Carter, I know." She said, "but this has nothing to do with you."

"I wish I knew why I didn't but I don't have an answer to that." He said looking at her.

"I have the only answer I need Carter. You don't have to explain anything to me." She said

"Well then let me in, cause I don't. I don't know why I didn't ask you. Something just didn't seem right at the time. But enlighten me Abby tell me why I didn't do it." He said.

Abby started to walk off.

"Don't walk away from me Abby." Carter said grabbing her arm. "Stop shutting me out when things get tough."

"Carter don't. I am not going to get into this with you right now. I am not shutting you out. I'm not the one who didn't call for five days. This is the first time in almost a week that you have said anything to me. What do you want from me?" She said looking at him, "I have given you everything that I can right now. I have nothing more to give to you. I am not going to prove myself to you or to anyone else."

"I want you to be you. I want you to stop being so down on everything. You are always so negative Abby. It drives me insane that you never have seen anything in a positive light. It's almost like you can't. Everything with you is so damn depressing. Abby I love you, but things just seemed to start going to fast. You don't have to prove anything to me." He said starting to yell at her.

"Walk away Carter. Just walk away and don't ever look back. That would be the best thing for you. I am whom I am and nothing is going to change that except me. I am doing what I can, but people don't change overnight, and they don't change unless they want to. Everything that has happened in the past two months has been a wake up call for me. I am doing this because I need to. Not because you want me to. I am an alcoholic that's a fact of life Carter right now, so you can either except it and take me as I am right now or don't." She said as she walked away. She was going to deal with Carter right now. She had more pressing things to take care of. She could tell that he was angry and needed time to cool off.