Announcer: Our next guest has been loved and made fun of by Leighlei, and is worshipped by millions of retarded fangirls all over the globe. Please Welcome, Legolas Greenleaf!

[Thirty bajillion teenage girls scream in the Audience as I'm too sexy starts to play and Legolas gets up from the bar and heads up to the podium, he puts a piece of paper- probably notes- down in front of him, and the music stops.]

Legolas: First of all, I thought your name was Leighlei, not Leia. [He points, indicating her hair, and the audience laughs.] But… um, whatever. Dunkin' Donuts head over there is always whining about her looks; "I'm so fat!" or "I look like sh~Beep~t!" But, I mean, she would, because not only am I prettier than her, but I'm also prettier than all of you. [Audience Laughs.] That wasn't a joke. I was serious. Honestly, I don't know what it is about her, it just makes me want to shoot her with a silver bullet; THEY'RE CALLED COLORS, LEI! You should look into them! Life isn't an MGM movie; this isn't 'Gone with The Wind,' Get a tan, at least, you look like a newspaper or something. And you seriously need a manicure… God. [ Legolas flips his hair over his shoulder in a very prissy way and everyone stifles a giggle.] And don't get me started on her ideas… were you raised in a Gondor Brothel? There's got to be more to your life than sex and violence…

Lei: [ Interjecting ] Actually, there isn't. [ Audience Laughs.]

Legolas: Well, you should start by adding a stylist! And next time you wear eyeliner; USE A MIRROR TO PUT IT ON! [ Laughter from the audience.] Geez. [ Legolas walks down the steps on the right of the stage, a distinct wiggle in his hips, and Lei rises and hugs him. They kiss-kiss, and she tousles his hair. Legolas shoos her away and walks back to the bar adjusting his locks, flustered. ]

Announcer: Next We—[ The Announcer is interrupted by a loud crash coming from offstage left, and Connor comes barging in as The Grudge by Tool starts to play. He grabs the Podium as he stops, and nobody in the audience really knows who he is. Those who do promptly 'Boo' him. Leighlei laughs.]

Connor: She's f~Beep~ing insane! Who the hell writes a fanfiction about me?! [ He turns towards her and shakes his head.] SHAME! Were you really that bored?! Did you suddenly have the idea to write about someone everyone hates and think they'd read it!? Why are you smiling? It's not funny! I was created to be hated! What the hell is wrong with you!? [ Connor leans towards the microphone confidentially.] Do you know that My Dad wanted to kill this girl? Not only is she a SUCKY vampire- no pun intended- but she writes ludicrous and absurd fanfiction! About ME! [ The crowd seems a little shocked by the revelation of Leighlei being a vampire, but everyone at the bar is unphased.] You didn't know she was a vampire? Come on! Look at her! It's a dead giveaway! And who else listens to Tears for Fears!? Come ON! [ Connor stomps down the stairs and gives Leighlei a big hug, lifting her off of her feet, and then setting her back down. Then he promptly runs back up the stairs and back out the way he came.]

Lei: [ Looking around. ] Aren't you all minors?! Shouldn't you be guzzling the Bacardi? DRINK! DRINK! [ Nemesis shakes his head again and takes a sip from the Martini in his hand. Lei pats his knee.]